Original subtitles

Oh,

yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

See,

Marianne, these are the perks of being an actress.

I beg to differ.

Yiko thinks I'm special.

They've given me two first -class tickets to Japan to do PR.

I have always wanted to go to Japan.

When I was a kid, some of my favorite toys were from there.

I wonder who I should take with me.

Sybil, it's only a plane ticket.

I'm rich.

Don't expect me to beg like a dog.

Okay, I'll take Zoe.

Please! I'm your best girlfriend and she doesn't even like you.

Okay, you can go.

Hey, you want to meet my co -star?

His name is Taki Bono.

But everybody calls him Sonny.

What did he look like before you ran him over?

Miriam, I got you, babe.

Say, take one more step and those trunks won't be the only thing you're pulling

out of your ass.

once, I'd like to catch you two playing bridge or sewing.

Honey, I'd like you to meet your real father.

Dad wants hug.

Here we come.

Drink from my head.

Well, I see it's show and tell day at the home for the sad and aimless.

If you don't mind, I'll just go pick up my mail.

Oh, all those tear -stained letters are from Sean. Oh, and he sent you this cute

little plant.

Oh, now you have to take him back. He sprung for foliage.

Mom, could you just call Sean and tell him to quit bugging me? How many times

I have to tell you, Zoe? You can't run away from your problem.

By the way, next week I'm going to Japan. I may never come back.

Japan, huh?

Mm -hmm.

You'll like it there.

They respect the agehood.

Okay. Just because of that, I am not bringing you those Hello Kitty

I can't wait to get to Tokyo.

I can finally get that last piece of... What's gay?

Small oriental carvings that Dr. Dick collects. He has every piece except for

.O., the king of hell.

I'm going to buy it and wear it around my neck and taunt him for the rest of

miserable life.

Well, it is important to have a goal.

Marianne, I'm thirsty.

I'm going to pour myself a hat.

I'd like to buy a travel iron.

is going to be fabulous. The shopping, the food.

Wait. I don't believe this.

There's no translation for martini.

Only Martian and Martin, I think.

Oh, no.

I think I just said, hello, you can buy me with a travel iron.

Good morning. Marianne Thorpe. This is Kinji Tanaka, head of advertising at

Yiko. Love your drinking hat. I wear it everywhere.

I'm honored to meet Sybil's traveling companion.

The limo is waiting to take us to the airport. Marianne, did you hear that?

got me a limo. That's because I'm special.

Oh, special one. You forgot to zip your free with any $13 Lancome purchased tote

bag. Oh, is that what this is?

Because you gave me this for my birthday.

Just about ready to... Sit here on the steps with you.

Forever.

It seems Sonny has a crush on you.

Oh, Sybil, go for it. The man has a lovely face and you've never looked

Okay, Ira.

No fear.

Jews can ski.

Excuse me, Bjorn?

Can I get a ride up with Bjorn?

I think an hour's enough.

An hour? Good one, Dad.

Now tell me again how you didn't try drugs in the 60s.

I need you to give these things back to Sean for me.

He keeps sending all this stuff to Mom's place. He doesn't know I moved.

He sent you a dying plant?

All I know is I can't look at it.

It slouches just like him.

Sounds to me like you still have feelings for him.

What makes you say that?

You're angry and contemptuous.

If that's not Zoe love, I don't know what is. Dad.

Please, just call Sean and ask him to leave me alone, will you?

He'll listen to you.

He always told me how much he respected you. I think he wishes his own father

were more like you.

I wish my own father had been like me.

All he ever did was sit around in his shorts, eat soup, and close a Venetian

blind.

It's so beautiful.

It's like we're really in Japan.

Now we're bowing.

Enough of the curtsies.

It wasn't funny in the airport, it wasn't funny in the lobby, and it's not

now.

This is a four -star hotel.

In America, we call this camping.

phone with my Netscape connection.

Yes, do you speak English?

Excellent. I need to talk to one -eyed Jim, please.

Yes, I'll help.

Come in.

Uh, I hope everything is to your liking.

Delicious.

Well, here's a list of your publicity obligations.

Key ceremony rehearsal?

The tea ceremony brings good luck in business.

The president of ICO, Mr. Matzak, he felt that a rehearsal with his wife

make you feel more comfortable.

Don't worry about a thing. I'm good with hot beverages.

See?

That's hot cocoa from the plane.

Got it. The Takashiba Pier in 20 minutes. Thank you, One -Eyed Jim.

Oh, how will I know you?

But of course.

Lucky me.

He says if you will not

love him, he will starve himself to nothing.

Oh, please. On the airplane, the man had five first -class dinners and a kosher

meal.

I've never seen a rabbi get so pissed.

Sean, come in.

I was just hanging some clothes on my $900 clothesline.

So, uh, why'd you want to see me?

Uh -oh, that's the, uh, that's the plant I gave Zoe.

Yeah. Look, Sean, I know this hurts, but Zoe thinks it's best we just leave her

alone.

Sean?

Sean?

Sean, breathe.

I want to tell you a story.

When I was 16, I fell really hard for a girl at summer camp, Jill Philbrick. Did

Zoe have fun in Europe?

Stay with me, Sean.

I knew Jill liked me, too, the day I shot myself during archery.

Is she seeing someone else?

I assume so. This was 30 years ago.

Zoe.

Oh.

No.

Anyway, all summer we were inseparable. But then over the winter, my letters

started coming back.

Where'd she move to?

Zoe.

Venice Beach.

No, I meant Jill.

Zoe moved to Venice?

Damn.

You didn't hear it from me.

Sean, go home. My work is done.

She didn't even open these.

Look, if you could just give her this one poem for me, I promise I'll never

bother her or you ever again. No, I've already done too much. Please, Mr.

Woodbine, you know what I'm going through. It's just a poem about

and friendship in the Pythagorean theorem.

I would have helped you out with Jill.

Give me that.

I've got to tell you a rhyme with Pythagorean.

Did we really have to miss an entire day of net -a -gay hunting to rehearse the

tea ceremony?

Couldn't we just come in early tomorrow and have them point us to the kettle and

bags?

Oh, look! Thank you!

Do you suppose this is the Japanese version of Pick Your Dinner at Red

Well, what do you know?

It's an M .O.

Put that back, Sybil, please.

I was running around on high heels looking for a one -eyed man and didn't

shiitake. Now, come on.

Did I say anything when you stole perfume at Macy's? No.

That's a friend.

They were samples and you know it. I know.

Oh, please.

We're guests.

You are so dead to me.

Not as long as I keep buying lunch.

I am wet and I am barefoot. If I get some kind of weird Japanese foot fungus,

I'm going to put it on a cracker and make you eat it.

You know, after all I have done for you, you can't even help me boast a little

king of hell. This ceremony is about attaining enlightenment and tranquility,

shut up before I clock you.

Do we turn, slurp, bow, ah, or bow, slurp, ah, turn?

What's that?

I thought you'd be annoyed at us.

Oh, only because you were trying to steal my Natsuki.

You speak English. Why didn't you tell us sooner?

My husband does not know I speak English.

He would not approve.

Whatever happened to progress for women in Japan?

Progress in my country, not in my husband.

I wish I could have fun like you.

As the great American philosopher Nike said, just do it.

Come on. We'll tear through this town like we're Godzilla.

No. Do you know the word for martini?

Yeah. Oh, we are so out of here. Come on.

No, no, Sonny.

Don't try the bridge.

We'll come to you.

No.

You read the poem Sean wrote for me? Dad, that's personal.

Well, I had to. I wrote it.

You wrote it?

A little. I was helping him, and he had to leave.

Well, where was he going?

You know, so I don't run into him.

He said he had a computer class.

Oh, well, that's good. He's still in school.

You know, you sound pretty interested in someone you can't stand.

How could I possibly be interested in someone who isn't clever enough to

out that I moved? I mean, if you really wanted to... He could have... All you

talk about is Sean, Sean, Sean.

God, it's like you're obsessed.

Mr.

Matsuki says he's enjoying sharing the tea ceremony with you.

Oh, look at her. She looks great.

Like a movie star or fashion model or something.

She looks like you, Thibble.

What was that about?

I don't know.

It wasn't about a travel iron.

We will see you this evening at the presentation.

You inspired me with our adventure.

I wanted to honor you by imitating your appearance.

But, as you can see, my husband feels that I have

shamed and dishonored him.

No, he likes this look. He hired me, didn't he? Good for commercial, not for

wife.

Fast car, fast woman.

Just because I have blonde hair and a red dress, that makes me fast and

Oh, my.

Sybil, that makes you Yiko's very first spokesperson.

You just tell that narrow -minded husband of yours to wake up and smell

sake.

Fast women come with all colors of hair.

Tell her, Miriam.

Hey, Zoe.

Thanks for bringing over your pictures to Europe.

Oh, no problem.

What did you need them for?

It's for a chapter in my new book.

It's about a daughter who, uh...

Goes to Europe and, uh, takes pictures.

Sean?

Zoe. Hi.

Ouch. How could you bring him over here without telling me?

Sean! You!

Here! The betrayal.

I was fixing your printer.

And you broke my printer? Is there no end to the audacity?

You talk to her, I'll take care of that.

Oh!

Pictures from your trip?

Maybe.

Did you make it to Enrico Fermi's grave?

Of course.

It was a madhouse.

I'm really happy you got to experience that. I mean, I know how much early

Italian physicists mean to you.

You have to go. There's a documentary on feet at the Newark.

I was going to catch that tonight. Would you like to go together?

Sean, no.

No, there's no way we can just pick up where we left off.

Even if we do happen to share an interest in foot films with scores by

Glass.

I guess you're right.

Listen, I didn't mean to... All right, all right.

Look, how do you want?

I'll go to the 5 .30.

You go to the 8 o 'clock.

And email me.

Okay.

Hi, y 'all.

I know you're wondering why I'm dressed like this.

It's because I'm sick of women being treated like we're either virgins or

whores. We have the right to be both of those things.

And everything in between.

Just because I like fast cars and younger men doesn't mean I can't wear

-up and enjoy it.

And the

itsy -bitsy spider went up the water spout.

He's thrilled with your message and wants to extend your contract.

Really?

Well, tell old seaweed breath he can come back to my hotel and dance for me

jockstrap.

Go ahead.

I dare you.

I hate Japan.

My knees are killing me.

I didn't get my M .O. Even the towels aren't worth stealing.

Those are the washcloths, Marianne.

The towels are my bag.

Mrs. Matsuzaki, come in.

Hi, Sybil.

Hi, Marianne.

I came over to thank you for giving me the courage finally to be a virtue and

follow my dream.

Are you sure this is okay with your husband?

Mr. Neanderthal son?

What is this American saying?

Like I care?

From now on, I'm going to speak lots of English, go back to school, get

economics degree, and learn to play American trombone.

Well, there's nothing like a big brass instrument to put the spark back in a

marriage.

This M .O. was my husband's favorite.

Here, for you.

Yes! No!

It is mine! She gave it to me! She gave it to me!

I don't know. I can't decide whether to wear it around my neck to taunt you or

just throw it away to taunt you.

Oh, my, look at Sonny.

He's so small, he looks like he bought his clothes in a store.

This is ridiculous.

Sonny, you need to eat something.

Come on.

Do as we do.

No, I'm not hungry.

You want that, M -O -O?

Mmm.

Come on.

We're eating soap.

I know.

Just keep eating.