Original subtitles

Hey, y 'all, we've got to help Farmer Johnson.

He's stuck in the well again.

But what can we do, Hambone? We don't have opposable thumbs.

Thumbs?

What's a thumb?

And some of us have brains the size of a walnut.

But are we going to let that stop us?

No.

Walnuts.

What's a walnut?

Boy,

you guys.

Dank.

Except for Sybil. All that time you've been spending on his set with Hambone

really shows.

Oh, thank you very much. I've really enjoyed it.

He smells a lot better than a lot of the co -stars I've worked with. I don't

want to name names, but his initials are Marlon Brando.

I think the rest of you can use some time studying your animals, too. I'll

you on the soundstage 8 a .m. tomorrow. Got it?

Gee, thanks a lot, Sybil.

The only job I want to study is on my plate.

swimming in orange shorts.

Uh, Sybil?

Yeah? What is going on with your hair?

Oh, don't ask.

I did a hair color commercial last week, and they fried it.

I've been told it looks like astroturf, tumbleweed, and something that baby

Jesus slept in.

I've got two words for you, girlfriend.

Mayo nays.

It's a great deep conditioner. Really, look at my hair.

Mayo? I've been using it on cold cuts.

Oh, I have some leftover tapioca for my psoriasis. And I have something on the

back of my neck I don't even want to show you.

Look, you have to be very careful when you do those commercials for hair color,

you know?

I wouldn't have done it except they paid me a fortune.

Of course I'm worth it.

Loving one who loves you And then taking that vow Nice work if you can

get it And if you get it

nose job, Marianne. Thanks.

Come on to the kitchen. I'm getting ready to put mayonnaise on my hair.

Fabulous.

Nothing from Zoe.

Three weeks in Europe, and all I've got is a lousy postcard with two words. Send

money.

Hambone. I'm in love with him. Thank you very much. Which one? You told me there

were 15 Hambones. There are 15.

There's a swimming pig, a dancing pig. There's even a pig who can crush a beer

can on his forehead.

That's disgusting.

Pigs are old men.

Not my Hambone.

He's got soul. He's charming. That's why he's the main pig.

Sybil? Yes? Why are we doing this?

I thought we were drifting apart as friends.

essential. Maybe I'll try it on Ira when he gets back from his book tour

tomorrow. Uh -huh. And let me just say ick. Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick.

Are you done?

Yes. No, wait.

Ick!

Go on. Thank you. So, as you know, Ira and I never did consummate our love

before he left.

Sure, we dallied and fiber optic erotica.

Fiber optic erotica.

You and Ira had phone sex?

Ick to infinity.

Just between you, me, and the condiment, I'm a little anxious about our

impending mattress mambo.

Mary Ann, I told you. He's less of a mambo and more of a minute wall.

Hey, a new way to waste food. How American.

and I took an earlier flight so I wouldn't have to suffer this humiliation

the airport.

Thank you so much for sending me on this trip, Mom. It was the most incredible

three weeks of my life.

So, tell us all about Europe.

What movie did they show on the plane?

Yes, tell me everything.

Where did you go? What did you see? What did you bring me? In that order,

Europe, everything and nothing.

That's okay. You can wait and tell me tomorrow. Hey, we can go bike riding,

you can meet my pig.

And I know you're dying for a good old American cheeseburger, so for lunch

go to Jacques in the Box.

Mother, can you back off? You're worse than that tour guide who hit me with a

stick at the Louvre.

Like I was really going to put the Mona Lisa in my backpack.

Listen, honey, if you want to, you can just rest up all day for your welcome

home party tomorrow night.

I can't make it. I've got plans.

See you tomorrow.

See you, lovey.

Say, forget it. You're coming.

Would you please give me five minutes to adjust to being back in this cultural

wasteland? I've just come from the birthplace of Mozart to the birthplace

Wheel of Fortune.

L .A. has culture up the wazoo.

We have a ballet company.

No, we don't.

Do we have opera? Don't ask me.

Well,

I know the Lakers got Shaq.

Sybil's out.

Oh, hello, Ira. How is Cleveland?

Really?

So tell me, cowboy, are you wearing your chaps and spurs?

Give me that.

There's not enough Lysol in the world.

I've washed my hair ten times, and I still have a head full of saturated fat.

Oh, I'm starving.

Do you mind if I dip a few chips in your head?

Very funny.

Oh, no.

I think I'm going bad.

Wow, look at him.

That's Buddy the Bull. He certainly is.

You know, he reminds me a little bit of Ira.

Wow, is she in for a letdown?

Hey, Fuentes!

Get your MTV ass over here.

What did you do? Use a whole jar of...

Maybe. Hey.

Hey, stop that. That's D -K -N -Y, not F -O -O -T.

Come on. Come on, it's not your color.

Oh, my goodness, look at this. I'm actually bonding with a duck. The next

you know, I'll be making funny golf tapes.

You want to see bonding, Deluise? Watch this.

Hand bone.

Come on. Come on, hand bone. Come on, hand bone. Come on, hand bone.

Good.

Watch Sybil, everyone, and learn.

She's feeding, she's snorting, she's loving.

She's costing me a fortune. Back to work!

All right, let's shoot the scene where Hambone warns Farmer Johnson about the

twister.

Stop that!

Okay, I can talk your language.

Money, money.

Good money, money, money, money.

Yummy, yummy money.

You bitch.

All right, then. Hold up that sleeve.

Get the pig to tug at it. Action.

Tug. Tug.

Come on.

Tug. Come on. Come on. Tug.

Tug. Tug.

Cut. This pig is a lox.

That's the fourth time this week these pigs today have absolutely no respect

the craft.

All right, this pig's finished. He's bacon.

What do you mean, bacon?

You're kidding, right?

What do you think they do with pigs who can't act?

If he can't do the job, this little piggy goes to market.

No, wait a minute. He can do it?

He's not going to do it. That pig's Ernie Borg 9 and McHale's Navy all over

again.

Come on, Hambong. Tug!

Tug! Tug!

This is a tough business. One day you're on top, and the next day you're a

football.

Billy, let's try the understudy pig.

He's been hocking me for a break.

Wait a minute. Maybe he's depressed.

Maybe he's had a trauma. Maybe somebody huffed and puffed and blew his house

down.

Rachel and Kevin have been in the living room 20 minutes and you hadn't made fun

of them once. How do you think that makes them feel?

Hang up now.

Hang up now.

Hang up!

Au revoir.

Je ne suis pas une enfant.

Bleu de bleu de bleu de bleu.

Je ne suis pas une enfant. Je ne suis pas une enfant. Je ne suis pas une

Je ne suis pas une enfant.

Oh, my.

I've never seen you two so happy.

Whenever you want to talk about what's really going on, I'm there for you.

Thanks, Mom, but we've been working out our problems and things have never been

better. Yes, never been better.

So young, so much in love, so full of crap.

Let's get something to drink. Yeah.

What's up with Mom's hair?

I don't know, but it's a real shame. That's the best thing about her.

It's been too loud. I'm hearing every word. Changing my will.

Hi, Ira. Hey, Sid.

You look different. Cut your hair?

Stop it!

I've had it.

I want everyone in this house to hear this. No, wait.

I want everyone in America to hear this.

I am not my hair!

I am not my lawn!

I caught your

show when I was in Cleveland.

That Hambone's one cute pig.

Hey, how did they come to do all those tricks anyway?

They threatened to kill him. Happy now?

Hey! Hey! Hi, honey. Welcome back. Hi, Dad.

Oh, welcome home, Zoe. I missed you. I missed you, too. Bye.

Zoe! I told you I had other plans. And I told you you had to come to your own

welcome home party.

Hello. Oh, hi, Marianne.

You know, Mom, in Europe, most parents let their children do whatever they

They can drink wine when they're nine, and they can smoke when they're four.

And some Europeans lock their children up in towers and chop their head off.

Party? Headless.

You're a call.

Mom, you cut your thumb chopping a head of lettuce.

Wait, I'll ask her. Hey, Fib, I'm seeing Marianne tomorrow night. Do you still

have that Bordello outfit you stole from the Kenny Rogers miniseries?

Yes, I believe I do. It's up in my closet.

Under your last shred of dignity.

Woo -hoo, we're in luck.

Why? Give it to me. No.

Give it to me. No.

curfew by six hours and come home and insult me.

Curfew? That was for high school.

Wait a minute.

You're not going anywhere until you tell me where you were all night.

What difference does that make? I was out all the time in Europe.

What did you do, sleep on the stairs for three weeks?

No.

After a week, I moved up to the landing.

You know, Mom, when I was gone, I learned that I can take care of myself.

really don't need advice from a mother who washes her hair with jelly spreads.

Okay, you got me on the hair.

Listen, while you live under my roof, you live by my rules.

Fine. Then I won't live under your roof any longer. I'm moving out. Oh, good. I

can't wait for you to go. Good.

And for your information, I was at Nina's all night, and we didn't answer

phone because we knew it was you.

Oh, that's very mature.

Marianne?

He said to come dressed as a sheik.

I said sheep, Ira, not sheik.

What's sexy about little Bo Peep and a Bedouin?

Bad.

We don't know what it feels like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no. What?

What? What is it? I had swimmer's ear when I was 13, and it's built in

sensitivity even to saliva.

Oh, okay.

Who needs ear?

There's other stuff.

Oh, I always make love with the lights on.

Well, I always make love with the lights off.

Let's compromise.

Turn the lights on.

Stand up. I want to watch you get undressed.

Oh, good luck.

I can't even use a public urinal.

Fine. Clothes on, lights off, no spit in the air. Is there anything else I

should know about?

Do we need a big sheet with a little hole in it?

Oh, Jose.

You saved my hair. You're a genius.

But of course.

You know, I don't usually make house calls, but your friend Marianne said you

looked too frightening to let into the shop.

Oh, that was real sweet.

I hope I can afford this.

Honey, you couldn't afford not to do this.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Whitlow. What's up?

You want me to come bond with the new pig?

But I had real chemistry with Hambone. What if the new pig has an attitude?

Okay. I'll be there tomorrow morning at nine.

They canned my ham?

Oh, poor pig. What happens to him now?

Well... Help

me!

Help me!

Help us!

What happened to us, Marianne?

Our thick life was so hot when we were hundreds of miles apart.

Talk to me, sailor.

What are you wearing?

Say, black hip boots, a studded bustier, and a smile.

No, you're not. You're wearing that Mother Goose thing.

Bo Peep.

Who cares?

Can't you just pretend you didn't see it? I wouldn't have to pretend if the

lights were off.

Oh, why don't you just come out here so I can spit in your ear?

Wait, I have another call. Hold on.

Hello?

I've got to rescue a pig.

Are you in?

Abso -frickin' -lutely.

Hey, Marianne.

Want to play Dr. Zhivago?

I'm wearing your mink coat.

He's so cute.

You know, I could get fired for stealing this pig, but I kept thinking, what's

going to happen to Hambone? And I was all...

Pig. Job.

Pig. Job. Pig job. Pig job. Pig job.

Two blondes, a Mercedes, and a pig.

Just another night in Los Angeles.

Who needs Zoe?

Huh? Tomorrow you and me will go to a spa.

What do you think? Huh? I'll get a pedicure. You'll get your feet pickled.

Bad idea. Bad idea.

I'm going to get you some water. You look thirsty.

Who wouldn't be after eating all that Mercedes interior?

You don't want to talk.

I've seen you suck a spilled daiquiri off floor mats.

Oh, ham bones.

Why does sex have to be so complicated?

You pigs have the right idea.

Wham, bam, thank you, ham.

I like what you've done with your room.

But I wouldn't have put that tree there.

As you can see, I am no longer living under your roof.

And soon I'll be off your property.

Zoe! It would have been a lot easier just to talk about our fight. You're

so childish.

Like you're not?

Oh, Mom!

Well, I have a pig.

Mom, you were right.

We do need to talk.

Good. Come on. Come here and sit down. I'm all yours.

Well, Mother Sheridan, as you know, I was denied tenure, and I was expecting

they'd give me at least a year. Kevin got laid off. He's unemployed.

Oh, no, Kevin.

Well, as you can imagine, this is a vulnerable time.

You know, I don't think my self -esteem could get any lower, but... Dibble, your

pig is in the kitchen taking a dump.

Rachel, at least I've learned how to get your mother's attention.

Marianne.

Oh, gross.

Why didn't you tell me it was right here?

Boy, that Corinthian leather goes right through you.

Muddy Canyon.

Who would pay to stand around a pit and watch us do that?

All I wanted from the 7 -Eleven guy was a couple of diapers.

He didn't have to tell me how ugly my baby was.

By the way, I love what Jose did with your hair.

There goes a couple hundred bucks, but...

I was worried sick about you.

What does it matter?

When you were in Europe, I could have been chasing livestock every night and

wouldn't have even known it.

Zoe,

I think you're right. You have grown up a lot.

I mean, you graduated from high school.

You went all over Europe by yourself.

You even managed to get cable out on the patio.

You don't have to move out. We'll figure out the new boundaries together.

Thanks, Mom. That means a lot to me.

I think we're going to be fine together.

Oh, Zoe.

Because, Mom?

Yeah?

It's still time for me to move out.

Oh.

I got a job as a tour guide at Universal Studios.

Nina and I are going to look for an apartment on Saturday.

Well, good luck finding one with ceilings this high.

What do you think? You going to be okay living in your room?

I'm going to miss you.

Maybe I'll rent your room out.

Hey, aren't you and Nina looking for a place?

Isn't that cute?

You're not really going to keep that muddy thing as a pet, are you?

I don't see why not she's here all the time anyway