All language subtitles for cybill_s02e18_an_officer_and_a_thespian

What happened here?

Another one of those stupid skydiving
weddings.

Where's the room?

Probably still at the jump site, trying
to find the room.

Yo, dead chick.

Wakey, wakey.

Time for lunch.

I'm thinking about getting a queen -size
slab for home.

Good luck trying to find sheets.

Marsha, after the wrap, you want to grab
a bite to eat?

Rigor mortis always makes me hungry.

Yeah, got to work on my next part.

Did I tell you? I'm playing a cop in the
new Eastwood movie.

Why don't I get more parts like that?

Well, I don't take this the wrong way,
but you're a big wimp.

right here on the slab.

You're on.

Marsha Warfield says. I could play a
cop.

I'm going to do so much research for
this audition that I'll blow them away

how tough and ruthless I am.

Nice bunny slippers.

I could play mothers and housewives and
oversized carrots.

I want to be bad.

I want Sharon Stone's career, but with
underwear.

Hey, you two, how was the movie?

It was a four -hour documentary on the
Irish potato famine.

I'm starving.

I've got potatoes at my house.

Why don't you come over sometime and
poke around my pantry?

That's something I didn't need to hear
today.

Gee, thanks for the offer, but I'm
trying to cut down on my pantry poking.

Do you think I've been too subtle with
Ira?

Subtle? You've done everything short of
publicly mounting him.

And that would be wrong?

Back off, Marion. Give him some room.
He'll come around.

Well, you know him best, so I'll try it.
But in my experience with men, once you

release the death grip, they run like
hell.

Hey, Zoe, tomorrow night we'll hit that
Dutch documentary on insecticides.

You'd better get there early.

Listen to yourself, Dad. Potato famine,
insecticide?

You might as well just wear a sandwich
board that says, I need a woman.

That's not true.

I love being alone.

I need to take off, do anything, go
anywhere.

Then why are you always dragging me with
you?

Because I don't want to be alone by
myself.

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hello, Mother Sheridan.

I have a little something here for you.

Wasn't it Homer who said, beware of
geeks bearing gifts?

Actually, I think it was Jethro.

What gift?

My husband wants your house.

Sorry, I'm using it now, but he can have
it when I'm dead.

I only need it Thursday evening. I just
want to have the psychology department

over for a little cocktail fiesta.

Hmm, I suppose it's possible to do
something more boring.

Part of his grand suck -up campaign to
impress his colleagues.

It is not a grand suck -up campaign,
Rachel. I am only sucking up to one

my department head, for the purpose of
getting tenure.

I want you to get tenure, too, Kevin.
But what makes you assume you have to

up your dignity?

Don't overestimate dignity, Rachel.

If it weren't for sucking up, Beverly
Hills would collapse of its own weight.

All right, you can use the house.

But Marianne comes with it.

Well, that would be fine, except the
conversation would be a little... Tall?

Haircut?

Halo? Scout me?

Big hat?

Low ceiling?

Touchdown? Seizure? They're gone. It
worked. Stop it. I can't.

I'm sorry I'm late, darling.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

You'll have to turn down your dress.

Isn't it fabulous?

It's an original Léon Marseille of
Paris.

One of a kind. A steal at $5 ,000. $5
,000 for a dress?

Lunch is on you.

Forever.

Unless I get the Eastwood movie.

By the way, tonight I'm going on a drive
-around with a real cop.

Wait a minute. You get to ride in a
squad car? I never rode in a squad car.

Well, not in the front seat.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Don't get mad, but... Please, please,
let me tell her.

Oh, look. A fight.

Where?

on probation.

Excuse me.

Did you get that dress from Léon
Marseille of Paris?

No.

Lady be cheap of Burbank.

$35 .95. Can you believe it?

It's all right, Marianne. Keep
breathing.

Gucci drive -thru.

Stole me from a faucet.

I'm not putting on that apron until you
tell me who you're fixing Dad up with.

Okay. Her name is Louise. She teaches in
Kevin's department. And she did her

dissertation on obsessive neurotics. Oh,
perfect.

I can't believe I've been driven to
this.

Why can't Dad just move on like all the
other men in Mom's life?

All right, nobody moves. Our tenure boy
here gets it.

Bravo. Bravo, Mother Sheridan.

Although sometimes a banana is just a
banana.

Oh, isn't the human mind extraordinary?
My entire career is riding on this

party, and I still manage to make jokes.

Oh, is that what that was?

Oh, the caterers. It's about time.

Okay, I'm late. I know it. What do you
people want from me? My wife left me. My

girlfriend left me. I bit my tongue on
the way over here.

Smurf cupcakes. Cool.

Blue food.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, pudding pot.

Mini wieners.

Candy apples.

Don't worry.

I'll save Papa Smurf for Dr. Anderson.

And after we eat, we can all play duck,
duck for it. Well, you know, this must

be somebody else's order.

You know, somewhere there's a room full
of children eating my brie.

Rat.

Nice, Kevin.

Did you kiss your mother with that
mouth?

Oh, good Lord, the guests. No, we can't
serve this. Relax.

There's psychologists.

Tell them it's a theme party for their
inner child.

So, Bart, you've seen a lot of action.

Drug busts, vice raids, drive -by
shootings.

What scares you the most?

My wife.

She's eight months pregnant.

You know, this is kind of late in life
to be having my first baby. I'm kind of

anxious about it. Were your deliveries
vaginal?

Very.

Have you ever killed anybody?

That's an interesting question.

Here's another one.

Cloth or disposable? I mean, we're
really torn.

Come on, Bart. I'm trying to learn
something here.

What goes through your mind when you're
staring at the business end of a

Saturday night special?

Business end?

Where'd you hear that, Barnaby Jones?

You think an episiotomy's really
necessary?

Only if you're having a baby.

Look, I only have you a couple hours. I
really want to learn something. I want

to get something out of this.

187, we have a possible 610 Cedars
-Sinai Medical Center.

Barn, that's you.

Good luck.

Okay, here we go.

A 610.

Bigger than a 510.

Not as dangerous as a 710.

Sorry, ladies.

My wife's having the baby.

Hey, what about me?

Oh.

Here's some cash.

Call a cab.

Buy yourself a cigar.

Jeez, my one night in a cop car. This is
not fair.

Excuse me, could you tell me where the
post office is? Sure, it's right over

there, across the street. Thank you,
officer.

Officer?

Thank you, Officer Sheridan.

See you at roll call, Officer Sheridan.

Better lay off those donuts.

that tree.

How can I get Ira to look at me like
those dogs did?

Easy. Don't feed him for a few days and
dab a little gravy behind your ears.

Dad and Louise really seem to be hitting
it off.

They sure do.

They've been talking for 20 minutes and
Louise is...

Look at Kevin sucking up.

If he gets any closer, he's going to
have to ask the professor to cough.

You know, I've heard that joke a
thousand times, but I'm a weaselly

sycophant.

Why am I eating cupcakes with this bore?
I could be in a hotel with a grad

student right now.

You know, I couldn't help noticing your
hair.

It's so silky and manageable.

Kevin, this is my wife, Beatrice.
Beatrice, this is Kevin Taylor. Kevin is

for tenure this year. Am I?

Oh, that's right, I am. I've just been
so immersed in my work, it completely

split my mind.

If you don't mind my asking, who cut
your hair?

Oh, brisket.

You don't really have to do that.

But since you are, you know, those three
tires are pretty flat, too.

And we've got to get that grill off the
front.

Whoa, four tires and a grill.

I bet you're glad we came along.

Who is Louise, and why am I talking to
her?

Well, she's a professor looking for a
nice, normal guy, and you're a... guy.

And I thought I'd fix you up. Before you
say anything, she loves your writing.

She thinks it's every bit as depressing
as Kafka.

Kafka? Really?

You think she's like a Tootsie Pop?

Zoe, I just saw Mrs. Anderson's stuffed
mom's crystal candy dish into her purse.

You wouldn't want to make your guests
feel self -conscious about stealing from

you.

Sometimes I blow dry, but usually I just
shake it out.

Imagine that.

Excuse me, Kevin, can I work with you?

Uh, Rachel, I'm right in the middle of
something important.

I had... Just let Mrs. Anderson put
Mom's crystal candy dish into her purse.

Don't be ridiculous, Rachel. That's not
real crystal.

They'd probably need to be washed.

What are we going to do?

Nothing. Nothing?

Have you become such a spineless toady
that you're willing to let somebody

from my mother for the sake of your job?

You betcha.

Look, this is our future.

We were adults, and we will deal with
this in an adult manner.

Now bring out the clown cake.

Tell the truth, Marianne. It feels good
to serve the people, doesn't it?

And they were so appreciative, they even
offered to host it for me.

Oh, the backbone.

Maybe it's Commissioner Gordon.

Hello?

What's wrong, Rachel?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Marianne, we have a situation on our
hands.

Light. Oh, goody. Not goody. Batty.
Siren tube.

And the shrink said gestalt. I'm Jungian
at heart.

Jungian. Oh, that is... Is rich.

You see, the reason that's funny,
Rachel, is... I get it, Kevin.

You case the kitchen. I'll stake out the
living room. Cover me. 10 -4.

Officer, this could get dangerous. I
hope you brought your banana.

Be careful, Zoe. I'm your worst
nightmare.

A mother with a badge.

Mom, Mrs. Anderson's already pocketed
your candy dish, set of tongs,

paperweight, and your Tony Bennett CD.

She took Tony? She is going down big
time.

There she is, old... Sticky fingers.

Ma 'am, could you move to the side of
the room, please?

What's going on here?

I have reason to believe this woman has
stolen articles from the owner of this

house. You're accusing my wife of
stealing?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, no.

Open first, ma 'am.

What first?

Look, sister, we can do this easy, we
can do this hard. It's your choice.

You're right.

I did it.

This isn't my candy dish.

These aren't my tongs. Okay, you can
stop looking, everybody.

Scavenger hunt's over.

Mrs. Anderson found the tongs and the
candy dish.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used again and
again, so you'd better get an attorney,

and the court will make an appointment
for you.

Jerome!

to get your attention.

What do you mean?

Look in your study.

You have dozens of pictures of people
you don't know.

I thought they came with the frames.

Explain the Heisman Trophy.

She's got you there, Doc.

Officer.

Lock me up.

Now this is a Kodak moment.

Officer, you can't arrest her. That's
right, Officer. You can't.

All right, Mrs. Anderson.

This time I'll let you off with a
warning.

Stop sealing her out!

Come, dear. I'll take you home.

It is our home, isn't it?

You can keep that.

Oh, Kevin, thank you for a most
interesting evening.

Well, this was a complete disaster.

I'm such an obvious brown nose.

You know, who am I kidding? I'm never
going to get tenure now.

But do you know what, honey?

What? At least they didn't notice your
fly was open all night.

Teeny -weeny?

Marianne, you're here.

Oh, God.

This is Louise. She's Zoe's doing.

So nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Why don't I go get us some more Kool
-Aid?

Congratulations.

Very attractive.

Look, Marianne, if I disappear, people
will know.

Ira, I know you don't believe this, but
it does my heart good to see you

enjoying yourself.

I hope you get lucky.

What does that mean, get lucky?

I mean, I know what it means.

I knew when I was 15.

Well,

19.

You would have been proud of me, Sybil.
I backed off. I gave Ira space.

Can I borrow the police car? I have to
follow that woman home.

You should have seen me, Marianne. That
kleptomaniac thought I was a real cop.

This year I am taking the sergeant's
exam. I mean it. And you could pass,

but aren't those exams for real cops?

I don't care.

I am pumped up.

I am totally ready for this audition.

Freeze, you mothers!

is it?