Original subtitles

This is Hortense. Trust me. Give me the doll. I can't leave without my family.

She's all I have.

She'll be fine.

Those firefighters down there know what they're doing.

Good doggy.

I can't believe I'm working with the Loretta Bennett.

I've been your fan forever.

After 40 years, you're still pushing yourself and taking new chances. I mean,

like playing this... Victim with dog.

And really well.

For my first job, I had to make love to Kirk Douglas.

And all I could... think about was how much i wanted an egg salad sandwich

and kirk said kid never stop wanting that sandwich

so you're saying stay hungry keep working bingo

oh by the way when is lunch places everyone take a

break miss bennett we're bringing in your stunt double for the jump oh listen

junior i do my own stunts Not on this movie. Not at your age. Wait a minute.

What if someone said to you you're too young to direct this movie? I've been

there. I didn't get my break till I was 22.

And you're going to discriminate against her because of her age?

After all you've been through?

You're right. Ralph, lose the wig.

Loretta's jumping herself.

Okay, Sybil, let's take it from your last line.

And action.

Okay, you're next.

And try to bear to your last...

Please tell me you double -join it.

Loving what it loves you And then taking that bow Nice work if you

can get it And if you get it Won't you tell me how

Remember when I told you I

was checking out those singles chat rooms on the internet?

Uh -huh.

I've been keeping tabs on this... twisted couple, Orawagwa and Candy.

And get this, Orawagwa is my uptight, anal -retentive brother -in -law, Kevin.

How do you know? Oh, it's easy. First, he says he has a sister -in -law who's

the red -headed antichrist.

Second, Orawagwa is Spanish for Goldwater, which is Kevin's middle name.

Look at this.

I want to fondle your tics.

Watch me freak him out.

Dear Oroagua, I know where you live.

Signed, Red Devil. Oh, no, no, wait, wait, better.

Rojo Diablo.

I guess I taught Dustin Bethan acting too well.

When he had to limp in Midnight Cowboy, he actually paid me every morning to

kick him hard in the ankle.

Who's here? Loretta Bennett.

Who have I always said is my very favorite actress? You.

Besides me.

Eve Arden.

Getting warmer.

Loretta Bennett.

Right.

And guess who's responsible for Loretta breaking her arm?

Eve Arden.

I've insisted that Loretta stay here. Oh, please tell Zoe the story about how

you met Lawrence Olivier. I walked into his dressing room, and there's Larry,

sitting on Tallulah Bankhead.

Drinking a beer.

Speaking of booze, where do you keep yours?

Kitchen. Right through there.

When I come back, I'll tell you about the time Shelly Winters caught a fish in

her bra.

It was a tuna.

Shelly Winters is nothing sacred.

I'm out of here. Chloe, stay.

This is a rare opportunity.

Loretta's a crone.

I thought you liked her.

No, Nina. Mom means crone as a compliment.

A crone is an older woman, blah, blah, blah. Experience, life, yadda, yadda,

yadda. Great source of wisdom, something, something. And by then I'm

above the room looking down on Mom's head.

We could all learn something from Loretta. Every word out of her mouth is

its weight in gold.

Do you have any of the puffy Cheetos?

So now look at this.

Yet another honeymoon postcard from Dr.

Dick and his horrid new wife, the Bride of Dickinstein.

The wine is red, the ocean is blue, loving the cruise, still hating you.

Sounds like this Dr.

Dick fellow's got a great sense of humor.

There was head trauma, wasn't there?

Legendary Loretta Bennett, meet the legendary Marianne Thorpe. Oh, what are

a legend for?

I've abused my ex -husband in a fashion that blurs the line between harassment

and performance art.

I've been married a few times myself.

You don't see me living in the past.

I don't see you living in the future.

Move ahead. Get a hobby. Get a manicure. Get a life.

Get a facelift.

Why don't you put your feet up while Marianne and I change your bed?

Marianne who?

Come on, it'll be fun.

You can tell me about that time you lifted a finger.

The woman is an artist and a survivor. She has an indomitable spirit.

Think of her as a guide to the next phase of our lives.

You mean the phase where we don't care what we look like?

I'm skipping that one.

Please tell me you're not going to be one of those women who has so many

facelifts she can't stop looking surprised.

I suppose a couple of strategic nips and tucks are beneath you and the great and

powerful Loretta.

Marianne, a woman's skin is supposed to age.

Like your favorite pair of jeans.

All I'm saying is you put a patch on it now and then because there are some

things that nobody wants to look at.

Why are we friends again?

Because there are plagues that I can't visit on Dr. Dick without assistance.

Come on, meet me 8 .30 Thursday night. You can help me welcome him back from

honeymoon.

Okay, but nothing with chicken blood.

I don't need any more lip from my dry cleaner.

Nina, she's my sister. I have an obligation to tell her that her husband

cheating. Wrong!

Let me call you back. That old woman who's living here won't quit bugging me.

No, the other old woman.

You know, you old brinner, when I was doing The King and I, he accused

Lawrence of stealing the razor he used to shave his head. Turns out it was me.

Amazing. All English words and yet a foreign language.

And say, don't go to the first person you think of.

Instead of your sister, talk to her husband.

Talk to Kevin. You need to loosen your neck brace.

Oh, good. Just what I hoped for. You're bonding.

And you're hallucinating. Bye.

Okay, Loretta. Your shoes reheal. Your bath salts and your passport.

The line wasn't too long.

But what about my loom? I mean, the doctor says it's good for my arthritis.

She calls and says, want to schlep a loom? I figure it's a euphemism.

Schmuck.

Loretta Bennett, meet my ex -husband, Ira Woodbine. Nice to meet you. I gotta

get back home. They're gonna pick up my trash any minute, and I don't want to

miss it. Ira, it's only garbage. Let it go.

No, it's my book. The main character gets a job as a garbage man, and I want

get a sense of what that's like.

You know, Brando, he used to pull me aside when he wasn't trying to feel me

He'd say, a worm never eats an apple from the outside in.

Uh -huh.

Don't you get it? Outside in?

If you want to write about a garbage man, you've got to be a garbage man.

Yes.

Great idea. Me collecting garbage.

I gag if I have to rinse out a soup can.

You know, Alfred...

My first and third husband used to say, I know you love champagne, honey, but

now it's time to eat the cake.

So you're saying I loved Ira, but now it's time to find someone sweeter and

fulfilling. No, I'm saying that tomorrow's my birthday and I'm going to

cake.

It's your birthday?

Why don't you let me take you to dinner?

Oh, you don't have to do that for me and a few of my friends.

I'd love to.

A few more commands and you're

auto -exec -bat, and we are back online.

What would I do without you?

Well... Oh, um, why don't you stay a while?

We never really get a chance to chat.

Yes, but... but that's only because we're not particularly fond of one

And that's all because of me.

Can I have another chance?

Well, I must say I've been quite comfortable over here on my side of the

but I'm willing to give conversation a try.

What would you like to talk about?

Would you describe yourself as a tick man?

Tick, man?

As in, hey, Candy, can I fondle your tick?

Oh, well.

Your Rojo Diablo?

Si, senor.

How could you cheat on my sister?

I didn't cheat. Look, this is no different from fantasizing about, say, a

star or...

A certain ash -blonde bank teller who refuses to wear a bra.

Kevin, please. I knew way too much about you coming into this conversation.

This has had no effect on my marriage. You revealed your deepest dreams and

aspirations to another woman.

You know about the astronaut thing?

So you want to be the first man to walk on Pluto. I'm not here to pass judgment.

Although, parenthetically...

Hello?

Listen, Zoe, you are not going to make me feel guilty about this. I have done

nothing wrong.

How would you feel if Rachel were logging it on with some stranger?

Please, she would never cheat on me.

I just said cheat, didn't I?

I am cyber filth!

Happy birthday, dear Loretta.

Happy birthday to you.

Can I get anything else for you ladies?

You can get on top of that table and shake it one time for me.

Isabel, leave that boy alone.

He's mine.

Who's your favorite?

Oh, please. It's obvious.

This boy.

Hot for me, aren't you?

Yes. Actually, Ms. Diller, you're the only woman I've ever wanted. And I mean

that.

Oh, waiter. Another bottle of Dom Perignon, s 'il vous plaît.

What is that, three? Actually, four.

Diller put one in her purse.

How did the designated driver end up spending $600 on champagne?

Well, they won't last much longer, hopefully.

more singles.

You took all my singles.

How about a five spot?

I think we might get lucky.

My, my, my.

It's like Fellini directed an episode of The Golden Girls.

I totally forgot. I am so sorry. I was supposed to meet you for a mission.

After waiting for hours?

I tried to drain Dr.

Dick's pool myself.

Marianne, that's dangerous.

You've never even drained a bathtub yourself.

It takes two people to operate an underwater industrial drill.

I finally gave up.

Drove home soaking wet.

The chlorine completely destroyed the patina of my leather headrest.

I now have a $70 ,000 pile of junk in my driveway. I hope you're happy.

On my birthday, someone has to pay for this.

It's limbo time!

most of my mother's other friends.

No, no, no losers here. No, no.

Alice, you're drinking from a vase.

If that's Kitty Carlisle, she's going right over the back deck.

Hey, Sid.

Ira.

Is that decaying meat in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? I just

finished my first shift as a garbage man. I'm too exhilarated to sleep.

Loretta. You saved my book.

Is that Phyllis Diller under the piano?

Hi, I'm looking for Loretta. Oh, Gene!

I thought you were out of town.

And miss our annual birthday baboon?

I wouldn't dream of it.

Get off those stairs, sugar pants.

You can't do that. She saved my book. Yeah, Mom, can we keep her, please? Can

we, huh?

I said, well, could you hurry this up? I do have guests, you know.

Loretta! You're a fascinating, vibrant woman, but I need my space back.

You've taken over my entire life.

I even let my best friend down tonight.

Oh, and I'm supposed to feel guilty because two better women couldn't trash

swimming pool?

You know what you should be doing? You should be spending more time with your

daughter. Once I did a film with Patty Duke. Oh, now you're going to tell me

what my daughter needs? Well, that's it!

Out! You and Wheezy and Fleazy and the whole damn bunch!

Come on, girls!

We're not wanted here. We're going to go somewhere where we will be appreciated.

How about nude paddle tennis? It wrinkles out.

You know, this is nice.

We haven't had a romantic evening in months.

What gives, Buster?

Well, uh, Rachel,

first let me say I didn't go out looking for this. Oh, God, Kevin, you're

talking like you had some affair or something.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me explain. I was just surfing

the Internet, and I met this girl in a chat room, and one thing led to another,

and, you know, before I knew it, we were... Uh, emailing like rabbits.

Emailing? Mm.

So this is all just on your computer?

Just on the computer.

Then you've never slept with her?

Never touched her? Never even met her? Never touched, never slept, never met.

So this is nothing more than typing?

Yes, yes, exactly. You know, and just hunt and peck at that.

So what kind of stuff do you type about? Oh, nothing important. Just, uh, you

know, that Pluto thing.

and, uh, my sinus problem, and, you know, the pirate in the galley wench.

You played pirate with her? We haven't done that since William was born!

Oh, sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip

when Dr.

Dick and his brand new...

sinking ship.

You can float.

You've got implants.

Oh, how am I supposed to get anything done with these constant interruptions?

Oh, well, looky, looky, looky.

Where's your new best friend, Crony Baloney?

I kicked her out.

Oh, poor you.

Why don't we fly to Miami Beach and go shopping for a new crone?

Nice pool.

Oh, that explains why the neighbor kids are lying on the hot pavement in their

swimsuits.

Hey, why don't I take you out for a drink tonight?

We can plan some welcome home mayhem for Dr.

Dick.

I suppose I could use some inspiration.

Since the failure and subsequent shame of my last attempt, I've been drawing a

complete blank.

No, I hope you don't have vandals block

You

know anyone

who drives a cement mixer

to you i was out of line telling you how to raise your kid so you're gonna pave

my driveway better we're gonna dump this load into dr dick's swimming pool

i'm impressed but i still like you better when you're not staying in my

We'll be right back.

Dear Ora Agua, lonely, looking for action, want to play Margaret

Thatcher and the Randy Constable?

He'll know it's me.

Margaret Thatcher? Even Kevin's not going to be turned on by that.

And here he comes.

Oh my.

Can you really do that with fish and chips?

Go to your room Zoe.