Original subtitles

Now this is the kind of case that really breaks your heart.

This woman was hit by a recycling truck even as she separated her glass from her

plastics.

She's been in a coma for two weeks.

She suffered cranial confusions and multiple fractures.

The only thing we can really do for her now is keep her as...

comfortable as possible.

Get out, Arkin, you big baby.

God, Adam.

Hey, you know, she started it, okay?

She's supposed to be in a coma. She keeps making all these noises.

I can't believe you're still mad about Camelot. It was an accident. Get over

Yeah, you took a big flamboyant bow and you broke my nose.

I was just giving the people what they wanted. After all, they had to sit

through your solo.

You know, you were just jealous back then because I got better reviews than

Better reviews?

They said you were no Robert Goulet. Oh, and that's a bad thing?

Somebody please let me down.

I'm feeling another flamboyant bow coming on. With pleasure.

Thank you.

I'd like you to meet the actress who will be playing our newest surgeon.

Andrea Stone, come eat Sybil's shirt in our vegetable du jour.

Sybil, alone in bed, as usual.

Listen, Andrea, you're not going to steal this part from me.

They've already fitted me for the casket.

I know.

I heard they went over budget.

And at our funeral scene, I'm still going to be less of a stiff than you.

Well, darling, this is your last chance to learn from a pro because I'm getting

married and retiring from the business. Really?

Retiring? Yes!

I'm so happy for you.

No, Sybil, I'll envy you. So cheerfully suffering all the degradation they heap

upon you aging character actresses.

Well, we can't all be like you, Andrea, playing the ingenue decade after decade

after decade after decade.

Besides... Ron Howard's going to degrade me into taking a great little part in

his new film.

I'm having my third meeting with him Wednesday.

Ron Howard, really?

Good for you.

I guess I'll just have to make do with being a lady of leisure.

Oh, I do wish this darn thing weren't so heavy.

What, your leg?

No.

My fiancé and I met two weeks ago in the Bahamas. Oh, he's a plastic surgeon,

fabulously successful.

I'm going to be the next Mrs. Richard Thorpe.

Richard... Richard Thorpe?

You're marrying Dr.

Dick?

Hey,

Nina, check it out. You ever seen one of these chat rooms?

Tell me you're not one of those pathetic losers who talks dirty to strangers on

the Internet.

I'm next.

and Nina go upstairs? I need some privacy.

We were here first.

Fine. Stay here and help me tell Marianne her ex -husband's getting

Board up the windows, hide all the breakables, run, and don't look back.

Ira, what's today's lame excuse for coming over and hanging out?

No lame excuse. I just happen to realize you don't have a sundial.

You've got two minutes.

Hey, you want to go to Richard's wedding with me?

You know about that?

Yeah, he invited me while we were playing golf this week. By the way,

Marianne taking it?

Oh, you know Marianne.

She'll be fine until she hears about it.

Ah, you're right.

This will kill her.

So, you want to go with me?

I could never betray Marianne like that.

Oh, come on, Thib. We always have so much fun at weddings. You know the way

can sneak off and reconsummate our own nuptials?

Yeah, I remember.

You always got to I do before I did.

Oh, hi, Ira.

Hi, Miriam.

Wow. Did you see what just happened?

Yes, I did.

He came this close to noticing you.

All right.

What was so important?

Okay, I'm just going to say it right out.

No beating around the bush, no waffling, no sugarcoating.

Sybil, you're making me hungry.

Richard is getting married.

So, did he meet her or build her?

A little of both, actually.

Marianne, did you hear me?

Dr. Dick is getting remarried.

I heard you.

Who's the lucky lady?

That soap actress I threw down the canyon last year.

The blonde or the brunette?

Andrea, the blonde. The one that didn't bounce.

Are you sure this is sinking in?

Oh, you're sweet to worry, darling, but please.

I'm off to get a massage from a beefy sweet.

Ben Hallstrom.

I met him at Betty Fjord.

Betty Fjord?

I knew this would kill her.

Hola, señorita Rosa.

¿Dónde está señora Marianne?

Aquí.

Marianne, it's worse than I thought.

You're touching dirt.

This is outrageous.

14 maids in three years, and not one of them knows how to Q -tip a nude.

Don't they have nice things in Guatemala?

Did you actually say Q -tip a nude?

Stop scrubbing. You're scaring me.

We've got to talk about this.

You're right.

No more avoidance.

Oh, is that John John on the cover of Vanity Fair?

You know, Abe Lincoln's son, Tad Tad, was a hunk, too.

Coincidence? You be the judge.

Oh, my.

Richards invited me to his wedding.

After all the stalkings, the prank calls, that thing with the porcupine, he

still has the class to reach out and include me in the worst moment of my

I didn't even know he was seriously dating someone.

The one time I don't follow him on his vacation, look what happens.

That's it, Marianne. Let it all out.

And if you can't, I could use somebody twice a week.

Sorry for the delay, Sybil. Mr. Howard's meeting is just wrapping up.

Oh, that's no problem at all. I'm sure Ron and I will be spending a lot of time

together. By the way, should I fill out a W -4 form while I'm waiting?

Uh -huh.

Good, Sybil.

Should I fill out a W -4 form while I'm waiting?

Thanks a lot, Ron. I'll see you later. Bye -bye.

Sybil!

Are you making a food delivery?

Andrea, I thought you retired.

By popular demand.

Well, not quite yet, darling. You know, when you said you thought you had this

part, I just had to come down and give Opie another option.

He lets you call him Opie.

Congratulations, Andrea. I'll see you on the set.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sybil.

Ron decided to, uh...

Go another way.

He let you call him Opie?

Oh, there, there, dear. I'm sure that coma thing on Chicago Hope is going to

you lots of work.

Just not this.

Vengeance will be mine, Marianne.

Andrea screwed me out of another role.

Opie, my ass.

met him and she's auditioning to play Aunt Bea.

Dr. Doolittle is on.

Come sit.

Talk to the animals.

What is this?

Bevan up.

Get up. Walk around.

I'll make coffee.

Mary Ann, snap out of it.

Don't you see you're in denial?

You're swallowing your pain and rage and it's going to fester inside like a bad

piece of orange roughy.

Besides, we have a wedding to trash.

Richard made a beautiful gesture by inviting me, and I'm going to respond by

raising our relationship to a new level.

Germ warfare.

No.

Respect. Forgiveness.

I'm taking the high road.

This isn't you.

It's the seven -up talking.

Sorry, pal.

I'm out of the business, and my stalking days are over.

I'm hanging up my night vision binoculars and my stun gun.

The bazooka I'll keep for sentimental reasons.

Where will you go? What will you do?

I don't know.

I'll write a book.

Maybe teach.

Wow, it's the end of an era.

Think we should inform the LAPD?

They could use some good news.

It's a nice day for a white wedding.

It's a nice day to start it.

We're the first to arrive.

Marianne, this is not Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows.

I've been duped by Dr.

Dick.

Oh, he must die.

She's back.

This is going to be really ugly, isn't it?

was on the level to think I was actually planning on being noble and

gracious.

Don't worry.

It'll be our little secret.

We're about to find that wedding.

No problem.

You know who's there?

Ira.

I rather like these hot dogs, don't you?

My Ira?

A traitor?

I'm hurt.

And yet I still feel something for him.

Good news.

Ira has low jack.

We'll report his car stolen. The police will lead us right to him.

Brilliant. Almost worthy of me.

Speed dial.

LAPD.

I'd like to report a stolen BMW.

What's Ira's license plate?

I -R -A -S -B -M -W.

Taking three weeks to come up with that.

It's a nice day for a white wedding.

My, what a lovely wedding.

Oh, look, the Wagners are here.

The Robert Stacks.

My Aunt Sophie.

You should have brought explosives.

Marianne, you've got a little venom on your chin.

Thanks. Pate.

Let's get busy.

Just one of these habanero peppers can wipe out an entire village.

without a deli.

And now for the pièce de résistance.

The stink bomb.

Ooh la la.

Hydrogen sulfide.

When you hug Dr. Dick, pop the stopper off this vial and pour it into his back

pocket. You'll be the last woman who ever goes near him.

Just jam it in.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something P .U.

Let's find Dr. Dick.

Good evening, ladies.

Ira! You know, I got here an hour ago, but these cops pull up and arrest me for

stealing my own car.

You know, that Malibu lock -up isn't all cracked up to be. They use Cremora in

their lattes.

Ira, I can't believe that you would attend Dick's wedding knowing how I feel

about him.

A lesser woman wouldn't forgive.

A lesser woman wouldn't forget.

A lesser woman wouldn't offer you pate.

No. No, it's only for the guests.

What am I, chopped liver?

You get it? Pate.

Chopped liver.

Oh, I gotta tell that joke to somebody else before they serve the entree.

Well, you look at this. All of Dr.

Dick's patients.

Let's start a fire and watch them melt.

waiting to disrupt here.

You have another idea?

Pate! We've already done the pate.

Give me water!

Give me that!

What are you thinking? Nobody wants to eat pate off the floor.

lady sings.

Or till she finds the sprinkler.

It's inspired by your career.

Andrea, I'm Marianne Thorpe.

Marianne?

The Marianne?

Don't be afraid, darling. If I'd wanted you killed, you'd be dead already.

As it happens, I'm here to offer you my heartfelt congratulations.

Andrea, I know you can't relate to either of these two words, but there

class act.

But I'd still have sex with you.

You're on.

Why don't you go to the coat check room and start without me?

Okay.

May I have the stance?

Thanks, pal, but I'm not very good company right now.

Come on, Ginger. Let's show these kids how it's done.

There's a new Mrs. Richard Thorpe.

Look at the bright side.

You still have his money.

Oh, money can't buy happiness.

Yeah, but only rich people get to say that.

You know, I've spent the last three years tormenting Richard.

Because when he walked out on me, he took away the only identity I ever had.

giving it to somebody else.

Marianne, you didn't even start to get interesting until you lost that

You are a funny, intelligent, highly dangerous woman.

Who I am is a lonely, immature prankster.

And look at me.

What we did here was the ultimate in childishness.

Polish bakery in Brentwood.

Hi, Dick.

You know, it's funny.

I don't usually enjoy myself at weddings.

You have got to use this caterer. Here, why don't you try some of the...

Guacamole.

Why wedding?