Original subtitles

Where's Granny now?

She's where she's happiest.

At the spinning wheel.

In her room?

No, Las Vegas.

And stop spying on those girls. It'll give you a headache.

Don't be tough.

I can spy on those girls and give me a headache.

type of a tiger?

Oh, madam, how I wish I had.

Wasn't that just the ugliest baby you'd ever seen?

Ugly is hardly the word.

of people is a very nice. Tell you what I'm going to do. Make a bigger, nicer

smile on your face. Here, going to give you for nothing a nice peach there. You

don't pay. It's a peach. You know what a peach is?

It's a suede apple.

For nothing.

Bunch of grapes.

How about that?

Nice bunch of grapes.

To show you my heart in the right place, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give you this banana for your monkey.

Keepsinger, his squire, Benny.

Thank

you.

A shy young maid has took a room.

Bedside light is oh so bright and the curtains oh so thin.

At nine o 'clock she entered her room. At half past nine she sleeps.

Lord Clarendon walked quickly on that naughty Samuel Pete.

I went to rent a

lady's house. She handed me the key.

She said it's to be left as it stands with all that you can see. And are you

be let with the house? They die in a very soft tone.

She said, I'm not to be let with the house. I'm to be let alone.

Oh, no, it's white, it's black and white, and it's all written down in his

diary. He's wiped it, locked it white in her chastity belt, then climbs upon his

horse. He left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the wars.

He'd not gone far when up ran the footman shouting breathlessly.

He said, Squire, fit this. He doesn't fit it. He said, you're telling me.

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Tranmere, there is a sign that reads

Duke of Dendy was born here.

I've travelled far and I've travelled wide, but ne 'er can I recall.

Ever hearing of a duke born halfway up a wall.

Well, you know, it's quite tonight, and white day's rolling down the diary. She

locked Thursday morn, my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy.

As the doctor took me to see them, my heart was filled with joy.

When he said, he's got your husband's nose, my wife looked quite surprised.

She said, that may be, but you must agree, he's got his father's eyes.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Mr. McGee.

Thank you.

Could you lend me $5?

I beg your pardon?

Could you lend me $5?

Could you speak up, please?

Could you lend me $5?

I still can't hear you, Milton.

Could you lend me $5?

Milton, could you come around to this ear? Maybe I hear a little bit better

way. Could you lend me $10?

Could you come back to the $5?

Is that me?

Inspector Randolph Ball is coming.

Well, what's the awful news then?

He's at the station now.

Go and pick him up.

to get cleaned up when i get back i want this place like a new pin have i made

my

Who's paying for this? They are!

Have you felt it?

Read the booklet.

It'll tell you how to make your marriage work.

You'd rather know how to make your husband work.

That's in the booklet, too.

Ah, come in.

Would you like to sit down? Thank you very much.

Don't do that. What are you playing at? I've none of that.

I've got problems.

What about your problems? See, you're the one who was bending over.

Now,

now, now, we can't all talk at once.

Well, I'll give you my side of the story.

to talk to your wife, Mr. Treader. You must look upon her as a delicate,

flower waiting to blossom.

Think of her as a lovely flower.

You mean I've got to put manure on her?

You are only nominally the head of the family.

I'm a what?

A titular head.

Fish face.

Today, the sex is equal.

And why does the king beat the queen at cards?

Well, we here, we here at Marriage Guidance find that the two main causes

marriages breaking down are one, money.

Oh, money, yeah, you hit the pot on the head there with your money. That's all

she thinks about, it's money. It's all she ever wants from me. It's more money,

more, more money.

What does she do with it all?

I don't know, I never give her any.

Now, Tony,

are there still times when contact of a physical nature

between you leads to moments of tenderness?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, absolutely.

Last Friday night, she got very physical.

Hit me with a shovel.

Oh, there was moments of extreme tenderness.

Do you still have relations?

Yeah, I do.

She don't.

Your wife doesn't? Not anymore, no.

Not since her uncle died.

Relatives? Yeah, yeah. I just got the one distant relative, my sister.

How can your sister be a distant relative?

She lives in New Zealand.

Mr. Treader must have loved you once.

Oh, he did once, yes.

25th of June, 1950.

I says you'll get what I got when I got it.

Mr.

Trenner, do you wake up moody and grumpy in the morning?

Oh, no.

I let her sleep.

I always get up quiet.

I wonder you bother getting up.

I just said, I'd like to see her cycle down the cobblestone street.

Well... Come now, Mrs. Fedder. Why don't you kiss her makeup?

Well, kiss that.

After all the beer he's been swilling, have you smelt his breath?

He sneezed in my face once. I was drunk for a week.

It would seem he's the worst enemy.

You'd like to bury the hatchet. Oh, I would, yeah.

In her head.

You're evil, you are evil. I'm not evil. I'm talking about the pot calling in

the friar. You remember what Rabbi Burns said when he

said, would that God had the gift to give us to see ourselves as those that

and see. Would that God had the gift to see us.

Would that God.

to many of your problems.

I'll read it thoroughly.

I thought I told you never to ring me at work.

You stupid cow.

My father was right. I should never have married you.

You make me puke.

What has Jean got that you haven't? Nothing.

Only she hasn't had it for quite so long.

It's grew better, you ugly old bag.

If Moses had seen your face, there'd have been another commandment.

You are without doubt the ugliest, most loathsome, despicable, degenerate,

filthy scumbag.

You know, it's funny, but when people write to me, they all ask the same

question. They all say, how come, how come a... looking boy like you never

married and i always tell them the truth i fly a lot and i like a window seat

and why should i make one woman miserable when i

can make so many so happy well two or three oh with my back oh it can't be

fun being married to a comedian though can it really i mean they expect

any any time they do anything half well they expect a round of applause

They do. No, they do. I promise you.

What woman, what woman wants to wake up in the morning and say, oh, Arthur, last

night. Well done.

Bravo.

Encore.

She has to see that he's got a notebook and pencil by the side of his bed in

case he wakes up during the day.

And then there are the temptations of show business, you know. Only the other

day I was talking to Mrs. Bob Todd.

And I said, how do you feel about Bob working surrounded by all these

girls? Aren't you afraid he might get an appetite?

And she said, I don't mind him getting an appetite just so long as he eats at

home.

I think he's on a diet. I think he's on a diet anyway.

But we're not, are we? Let's meet the lovely Hills Angels. Here they are.

And I want to say this, and I mean this quite sincerely.

The other day, I saw the Miss World competition, and I honestly believe, and

think you may agree, that I don't think that one of those contestants was as

attractive, as beautiful, as charming, as delightful as I am.

And I do believe that.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Off you go, ladies, because Hills Angels now are going to give you their

interpretation of TV show titles.

And girls, spell it right this time.

Spelling at rehearsals you wouldn't believe.

We'll be right back.

Thursday, Friday, happy day. Saturday,

what a day.

have to believe.

Because, you see, words are all important. You have to be careful how

them. I had words with the wife last night, but I didn't get a chance to use

them.

You see, the trouble with our language is there are far too many anomalies.

I met a German once who thought a family butcher was a man who butchered

families.

Is a buttress a female butt?

He took his kite into the lavatory because the instructions said wait for

wind and then throw up.

I think words should describe things more accurately.

I mean, phrases should be more apt.

Cap size shouldn't be an upturned boat. It should be the size of your cap.

A boxer should be a man who boxes, not a breed of dog.

And take a word like...

Sounds like an Italian fog.

I mean, if a couple get divorced because they're incompatible, does that mean

he's got no income or she's not very pattable?

Or is the reason for the incompatibility just the fact they're incompatible and

he had more ability?

If ointment makes your elbow smart, should you rub some on your head?

wine for pork.

Do wine gums wine for gums?

And if a bricklayer's allowed to lay bricks, then why can't a plumber lay

Now take hemorrhoid.

That tells you nothing.

And it makes me so annoyed when there's a word that describes it perfectly.

The word is...

an occasional table the rest of the time?

And why is pot mispronounced in words like potpourri?

than words, it is saying that you may recall and the sweetest, loveliest of

messages.

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