Original subtitles

Nearly finished.

I think you're going to like that.

Oh, yeah.

My Cynthia will be pleased.

the devil are you doing?

Tell me, Captain, is it true you have a gal in every port? I think I'd rather

have a port in every girl.

I bet you've had dozens of pops in port. Yes. Tell us about them. Do.

Very well.

In a bar in Singapore, I met lovely Eleanor, 27 stone of rippling charm.

She could wrestle, she could fight.

Her tattoos were all spelt right.

And she had pigtails, but they were underneath her arms.

I asked this lovely lass if she would join me in a gloss.

She said, I'll have a quart of gin and limes.

I gently kissed her on the cheek, but the lady didn't speak.

She was doing up her food plate at the time.

So I said to Anne -Marie one night, next time you're angry, Anne -Marie, just

count to 20 and you'll feel better and you won't feel like a fight.

She has to take her gloves off when she wants to count to 10. To count to 20,

she needs her toes as well, and that's why.

By the time she's removed her gloves and tight, she doesn't feel like a fight.

If she does it in front of me, then neither do I.

for the trip there was a failure. I went into a bar near Boogaloo.

I drank a quart of Castlemaine, kissed a barmaid called Lorraine. Then I went

out and shot a kangaroo.

Now on the journey back, I had to see old Dr.

Mac. He examined me and said, oh, I've got news for you.

He said, you did it wrong, old son.

What you should have done, you should have shot the barmaid and kissed the

kangaroo.

about his second -class passenger.

Could it be that she's a second -class passenger, too?

Well, it takes one to know one. No. Kitty, I want to tell you something.

is, you made me... I didn't want to do it. I

didn't want to do it.

You made me... And all the time you knew it. I guess you

always knew it.

of the ship's owner.

A man approaching you, his clothes are covered in blood.

Yes, he approaches you and he kills you.

And he drains off all your blood. I see a room.

make skin gloves again

Thank you.

He's doing the battle of Little Bighorn.

There's a low -budget TV program with 800 extras?

How's he going to make it pay?

He says he's going to use real bullets.

Do you think TV commercials should be more like real life?

No, Marty, I think real life should be more like the TV commercial.

We are selling dreams, dreams of elegance, of wealth, of style.

can we beat Dallas and Dynasty?

We just gotta come up with something.

You sure you wouldn't like a Bloody Mary?

No. Put lead in your pencil.

I got no one to write to.

Maybe we could learn from the British.

How? Well, all our soaps are about rich people. All the British soaps are about

poor people.

Maybe we could write about a poor family.

No, no. The American people, they don't want to see poor people. They want to

see rich people!

Because you see rich... people, well, they got more, um... Money?

Watch it, kid, just watch it. No, the American man identifies with a rich guy

because of his charisma, his presence.

Because of his Christmas presence?

Not his Christmas presence, his charisma, comma, his presence. His

presence.

Musical numbers. There are hymns, psalms, prayers, and it's full of

meaningful stories.

Parables. It's true.

Cast your bread upon the waters.

And I will come back a hundredfold.

No, honey, that's what he has.

That's not what he does. He has a slingshot.

If he doesn't sling, make that into an O, will you?

Harder than he laughs.

Harder than he laughs?

What a comedy it is.

Moses' parents. The day that Moses was born, his parents were real proud of it.

Not only did they make a fine young son, but they made a handsome prophet.

That's funny.

That's funny. Made him laugh.

And Moses, he took his people to the Red Sea, and he says, follow me, but bring

Galatia.

And the waters part and they cross over and they turn right. Because if they'd

have turned left instead of right, the Arabs would have had the oranges and

they'd have had the oil.

But old Moses, he don't care about it. He just keeps taking the tablets.

And then there was salami, the beautiful salami.

Salami. Salami, salami, the broad who danced naked in front of herons.

And Noah?

Noah, Noah, he said, hey, everybody, come and look at my ark. I just washed

Now it'll... I tell you, it's great. When I think about it,

it brings a lump to my wallet.

But the cast.

The cast.

Oh, I started at the beginning. Adam, Woody Adam.

The thief who fights the apple.

Farrah Fawcett.

Hey, with teeth like that, when they bite into an apple, they really bite it,

huh?

I wouldn't let any one of them lick my rock.

Cain and Abel? Cain and Abel? Cannon and Ball.

Cannon and Ball? Why, in the book, one of them dies.

Have you seen their act lately?

Samson and Delilah?

Samson and Delilah?

Larry Grayson? Yeah.

He's gonna play Samson.

He's gonna play Samson. He can do it. Yeah, but what about the bedroom scene?

Well, we'll get a stuntman in.

John the Baptist?

John the Baptist, Lionel Blair.

Lionel Blair, John the Baptist.

John the Baptist, Frank the Dentist. He can do it.

Don't forget, we're fighting Queen Martin, Harton, Martin, Barton, and

Productions.

mention Don Taffner. Don Taffner? I said not to mention Don Taffner.

I like it. Oh, I like it.

Tell me, who's gonna star in it?

Yeah. Who's gonna play the lead?

I think I can get Larry Hagman. Oh, great. J .R.? J .R. plays J

.C. I like it. I...

If we're really up the creek, Terry Wogan, he works cheap.

That's good thinking, PC.

Who's going to play the Virgin Mary?

Who, Al?

Joan Collins.

Or... Joan Rivers.

We'll use a lot of makeup and get wimpy then. It'll be okay.

What are we talking about? Well, we're talking up front about $60 million.

Hey, that's great. Put me down for $10 million. Yeah, $10 million. I'll have

million of that. I'll put up the other $30 million.

What do you want, honey?

Monsieur, c 'est trois francs. It's 40 drinks.

30 francs. Oh, say, do you have a credit card? Oh, you got me money. I left my

wallet.

Laughter.

Thank you.

And while I was there, a Swedish journalist came up to me and said, Mr.

are you aware that in Sweden you are regarded as an enigma?

Now, I always thought an enigma was what the nurse gave you in Boston when you

have a touch of the tapioca.

And he said, no, you see, you have never been categorized.

And I said, well, I'm not Jewish.

say, and that wasn't, you won't believe this, that there were some women in

Sweden who thought that I was sexist.

Can you believe that? Me?

Sexist? I don't know the meaning of the word sexist.

I had to look it up in my boy's own dictionary.

Nowadays, I'm almost afraid to say dictionary.

feminists nowadays, don't you, eh? You never hear of masculinists.

Perhaps there's no such word.

Perhaps the masculine equivalent of a feminist is a male chauvinist pig.

It's a bit unfair.

You never hear about female chauvinist sows, do you?

Not outside this studio.

But I will admit some shows are sexist. Obviously they are. There's a woman's

hour.

There's no man's hour.

Listen with mother. There's no listen with father.

Watch the woman. There's no watch the man. And look at the sexist magazines.

They've got this woman, this woman's mirror, woman's own, woman's realm,

weekly. Us fellas have only got one. Men only.

And what's that full of?

Pictures of women.

And how about the girls who write about the fellas in the papers? The talkative

trollops.

The telltale child.

and tell you this, it's far worse than that.

No, you see, in my day, girls used to say, oh, you won't tell, will you? I

promise you won't tell because if my mum found out, she'd kill me.

Now they say, mum, dad, uncle, the whole world, I did it lots of times with him

and him and him and him and him.

No shame.

A girl at the paper the other day, 19 years old she was, she said she had had

affairs with 20... show business stars.

20.

And the interviewer said, do you always have affairs with stars?

And she said, no, only about one in 10 is a star.

She wouldn't be interested in the others because they're not famous, you see.

At 200.

At 19, it's a wonder she had time for her O -levels.

Should it be O -O -O -O -O -levels?

Suddenly one of the chaps woke her up in the middle of the night and said, I'm

going to the bathroom.

And she said, what are you telling me? He said, will you keep your brace for

Really, I could never ever do anything like that myself, because I don't think

it's right. You shouldn't talk about things like that.

Well, you ask anybody, they'll tell you. I don't yell, I don't tell, I'm

grateful as hell.

I could tell you who my present lady friend is, and I think you'd be a bit

surprised.

No, it wouldn't be fair.

Royalty can't answer that.

Oh, come on, they're all doing it. I might as well.

Are you ready for this?

All the women I have known, and when I say known, I mean known.

Are you ready?

In alphabetical order.

There's no more time.