Original subtitles

it, my dear.

Don't you remember?

You told me all about them round at your

from America to sing at the Albert Hall.

He sang songs of protest and fairer cares for all.

He sang how the poor were much poorer and the rich too rich by far.

Then he drove back to his penthouse in his brand new Rolls -Royce car.

What a world.

What a world. What a place.

What a place.

Now, Sally's time at the burger factory was all too brief.

She fell into the grinder and got chopped up with the beast.

Now the weights and measures man came round and kicked up such a racket that

they complied with the Trade Assistance Act. They declared her on the packet.

What a world.

What a world. Oh, what a place.

What a place. Ain't you glad you're a man of the world?

Now, to put business with life, Mary Starley, please.

He was four foot two and nobody knew who put him up to it.

He came home one night exhausted and he fell down in a heap. She said, you must

be whack. He said, I'd rather go to sleep.

What's that?

He let your number up.

Now a shepherd boy got stranded on a mountain in the fog.

To avoid starvation, he had to eat his dog.

He looked down at the pile of bones and murmured as he rose, it's a pity Rover

isn't here. He would have loved to have chewed on those.

Now the button was

pressed, the world destroyed, leaving just one solitary man.

And at the top of the Empire State Building, his lonely existence began.

But his loneliness was too much, so he jumped and he fell like a bird with one

wing. And as he passed the seventh floor, he heard the telephone ring.

side the pity you ain't got remote control

And where are you off to?

I've got to get some flowers for the wife's birthday.

And when is her birthday?

Yesterday.

Horlicks, darling, Horlicks.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather have some champagne?

Champagne? No, we're sleeping, Phil.

Forever love.

Patel and Bronco have combined to bring you the world's most romantic love

songs. Music you will cherish forever in our love story.

linger and lilt in lyrical lullabies.

Bad Ballad.

Bad Ballad.

Real Oxen Serenade.

Overture of the He -Brides by Saul Billius.

And many, many other composers who have all been castrated, have been

orchestrated.

Oh! Ooh!

Burleigh Chassie and Rich Clifford.

Shirley Bassey and Cliff Richard.

There's Dolly Parton with a couple of lovely dickies.

There's Ronnie Aldrich and his over -sex tech.

John Dankworth and Keanu Reeves.

I'm going to remember the kind of September.

Mary O 'Hara.

Liberace.

Moira Anderson.

and callow fellow try to remember

and if you think

in

December

it's nice to remember

It's nice to remember without.

Two pints, please, Malkman.

You will be so enchanted with our love story.

Many of you will want to make it your love story.

To obtain your copy of Forever Love, call free phone 3434 -333

-0606.

Or write to Mrs. Blackhead and Boyle, 1 Pimple Lane, Ackley.

I'll give you that address again.

13A Council Flats, Park Lane, W1.

Personal callers at Charlesworth House, 584 High Street, Bombay, England.

Cross your legs or something. That's terrible.

The bad news is I've just matched your general knowledge papers.

What is the purpose of the hole in the bottom of a plant pot?

It's where you stick the thermometer when the plant is dead.

Who is always happy to miss the bus?

Evil Knievel.

who's had a sex change, a transistor.

Now, the good news is, I know you'll be pleased to know that it's one of our six

-form girls who has won the poetry competition designed to launch the new

feminine dictionary.

Wherein, of course, everything masculine is replaced by the feminine equivalent.

And that man's field becomes woman's field.

Rand's gate becomes...

Boyant becomes gallant.

And a monkey becomes a nunny.

It's called Sandy and Womandy.

Sandy and Mandy's here. Don't go to sleep.

Through her open window, Sandy heard the bells of St. Paul's.

As she lay in bed and sipped a glass of water.

started singing a beautiful her by her favorite composer, Mendel's daughter.

She popped a vixen's glass of mint.

said woman D is anybody there Mandy Sandy croaked you'll

have to pardon my voice I'm afraid I'm a little mare woman D said see you at

three Sandy grabbed her life girl soap ran through the bathroom door

she paused in front of the mirror and thought I'm glad I don't have

Woman D admired her dress, and Sadie who had a camera showed Woman D all her

colour princess.

And Patty said, Sandy, I fancy a nice hot bitch.

And they said, Woman D, Sandy said, in that case, let's go to the Ritz, as they

sipped their hentail.

Sandy said, are you all right? She said, are you all right?

She said, yes, I am Arse Queen.

And then the woman, he told her off her plight.

She said, I need someone to cowie me.

To tell me what to do. I mean, I'm quite intelligent.

near ladies' cricket ground one day.

A huge crowd had turned out to see Jeff Goldcock play.

When I saw my sister Marilyn running from a shop, she leapt into my hill

car to drive like Helen Don't Stop on Hampstead Sheath.

She told me she had robbed that record store. She singles an LP

the score.

Records by girl Georgina.

Doe's Fizz.

And Simon and Garth aren't.

As well.

Not to woman -shun Johnny Maffer.

She said she's made my life a hell. She's done wrong.

But if I tell the police, well, that two things wrong somehow.

If it weren't such a terracal tragedy, it would be quite laugh -a -cal.

Sandy thought.

Then she gave her her answer.

It was the right one as both of them knew.

Sandy simply said, Ask for God, my dear.

She'll know what to do.

Does the key do that?

Don't get involved.

Let me take you there And you and I'll be dancing In the cool night air

Well, we're at a dancing party Then you're out there having

fun A

lady phoned her local cinema

manager and said, What time does your program start today?

And he said, What time can you get here?

That joke just about just

about sums up the predicament of today's independent

small cinema manager.

Facing, as he does, increased home competition.

To find out more, let us meet one such man.

Mr. Frank Scuttle.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.

I really didn't know.

Thank you, Mr.

Scuttle. That would be all, Mr. Scuttle. Mr.

Scuttle, I'm from Thames Television.

Mr.

Scuttle.

The cinema is today facing more and more competition. There are four TV

channels, video, cable TV, big screen TV.

And miniature TV nowadays, sir.

They've got a miniature TV nowadays with a screen a quarter of an inch across. A

quarter of an inch screen, sir, yes. A quarter of an inch? Yes, sir. How do you

watch it?

Well, you lick it and stick it on your eyeball.

Sir Arnold and his brother worked day and night for three weeks to get it

looking like that, sir. They'd done the seats in uncut moquette, the curtains in

crap machine, the doors in solid

mahogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogog

Well, actually, it was my wife, ugly enough.

Because, you see, we was attracting the wrong class of person, you see, sir. I

mean, my wife in here one afternoon, sir, she had to change her seat four

Some man molested her?

Eventually, yes.

And the kids was always crawling in through the exit, sir.

Arnold, our usher, had to be very vigilant, sir. Very vigilant indeed he

be, sir. He doesn't hit them. Oh, not without hurting them, sir.

Give him a bang round the head with his torch.

But not to hurt them, sir. We don't condom violence here, you see, sir.

And I mean, no, no, because it was getting very rough in here. I mean, that

little girl from the wool shop, sir. Lovely little girl, sir. And a teenager,

you know.

Very young, painfully shy, sir.

And I mean, quite honestly, puberty for a young girl can be a pretty hair

-raising time.

Well,

she was in here, sir.

One afternoon, sir.

And she was sitting next to... to this bald -headed man, you see, sir, who had

just lost his toffee.

He wouldn't have minded, only his teeth were still in it.

Now, you see, she's sitting there, you see, so he's sitting here, and he sort

starts groping around, searching for his toffee, you see, sir.

You haven't forgotten, have you? She's sitting here.

Like that, you see, sir. Well, now, sir, she looks down, sees his bald head.

hits her kneecap and covers it with her skirt.

Now, he thinks the lights have gone out and strikes a match.

Well, I can tell you, sir, she is the only person ever to get into the circle

with a stall's ticket.

You know, I mean, Arnold, he wanted to charge her the extra, you think, sir?

did you let him? Oh, no, sir. A regular customer just took it out of his wages,

sir.

And, um, How long has he been with you? Well, he hasn't been with me at all.

He's been against me from the word go. Tell you the truth. No, 30 years. He's

been an usher for 30 years. It's too long to be a cinema usher. It really is,

sir. Because it affects his brain, you see, sir. I mean, when we get a spy film

here and the customer comes in, he tears the ticket in half, memorises the

number and swallows it.

When we get a cowboy film, he goes for his torch like that and he says...

two of us going down this trail and the only one coming back.

And when they go past the gents, he says, do you want to mosey along to the

corral and water your must hang?

When we had that gambling film, sir, here, about Las Vegas, sir, after the

he goes across to the fish shop, he says, give me a stack of chips.

He picks up a flatfish, he says, this must be the place.

Get your hands off that till he says, and give me a vinegar on the rock

He says, watch it, otherwise you're going in there with that flatfish, and

they find you tomorrow, you'll be battered to death.

It was all too much.

Being a national all those years really affected you. Oh, indeed.

They got married last week and walked down the aisle backwards.

That's him, Carlos.

That's him now, sir.

What's that funny thing on his shoulders?

That's his head.

Oh, that, oh, no, that is our cue here sign, you see. That sign there is for,

says cue here, you see, so that people know that it's not for you, you great

Lomit. Get off, not you.

Go and get them posters up.

You're, um, you're expecting cues?

Yes, we don't put on rubbish here, you know, sir.

We've got a film this week.

directed by the Italian director Antonioni.

Antonioni? Yes, that's marvellous. I was going to write and congratulate him,

only, well... I know.

You can't spell Antonioni.

I can spell it, sir. I just don't know when to stop.

What's it about?

Well, it's about an hour and a half.

Oh, the storyline, sir. Oh, yes, it's a wonderful storyline. It's about this

poverty -stricken bookmaker, sir, and all the people that hang us on like the

cooling dams.

Then we see what has happened in all his life, what has taken place in the past.

Yes. It's in retrospect.

No, it's in English, sir.

Yes, indeed it is, sir. Right from the time he's dogged by ill luck when he

breaks his leg in the eye hospital.

And then he goes to this wonderful faith healer who does teeth and piles.

Not at the same time, you see.

He spends four hours with the faith healer and he gets herpes.

Well, I never did.

Well, then you'll probably be all right.

Oh,

and you know, sir, the only lady who will go out with him is the short

Bessarabian weightlifter who works at a slaughterhouse and moonlights at the

coal mine.

And she's only gone out with him since he's had the three -speed, took up his

crossbar.

But the first time he took her out, so you see, he didn't suck them. That was

it. He didn't suck them, not the first time, he didn't suck them.

He didn't suck them to her charm, you see. To her charm?

Yes, he didn't, no.

And then, all of a sudden, sir, all of a sudden like that, he fell.

Head over heels.

Bolts over colliery.

They fell in love. They got married in the colliery, sir.

Arthur Scargill was the best man.

So he said.

And there was happily ever after. Oh, it's started.

The film's started. Come inside. You'll enjoy it.

Arnold, unveil!

You

don't

have to pay to go in, sir. You don't have to pay to go in.

You can play on the way out.

You'll like this one, sir.

It's about this sailor and this woman.

And the drunker he gets, the prettier she gets, you see.

That's right.