Original subtitles

Oh, um, I, I, I, I, I, no, no, I said two saxophones.

Cut the phone.

Cut the phone.

Ah, yeah.

The Congressional Research Service in Washington, D .C. and scientists from

University of California have made the astonishing announcement... Oi!

Oi, mate! Why don't you give it a bang?

Eh? Give it a bang!

Oh, that's up. Oh, thanks.

Why you don't get a remote control seat? I'll never know.

Issues of social significance.

That's what I said.

What did I get?

How do you tell an Irishman at a cockfight?

He's the one with the duck.

How do you tell an Italian at the cockfight?

He bets on the duck.

you tell us the mafia is present the duck wins

what's the difference between an egg a

carpet and sex you can beat an egg you can beat a carpet

now will you listen to this

myself when young did eagerly frequent doctor and and heard great arguments,

but evermore came out the same door as in Awent.

That is from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, and not, as Smith Minor calls

rubber yacht of Jaime Cohen.

But you know, what I think he was trying to say is that the more you learn, the

more you realize that there is to learn.

A boy of 14 thinks it's rather stupid.

When he's 21, he realises how much his father's learnt in the last seven years.

I think now, for instance, you should always question everything.

I mean, the other day, early evening, I was sitting there watching television

all by myself, not a soul about, and I heard a voice.

And it said, you are watching Channel 4.

How did it know?

Do you not think it is strange that in a cat's fur there are only two holes?

play otherwise he couldn't see when

God created man spectacles hadn't been invented but look where he put our ears

you pour hot liquid into a thermos flask it keeps

it hot you pour cold liquid in it keeps it cold how does it know

Tennis referees are not always right.

That's why they sit up there.

Out of the way where you can't get to them.

Why do you think surgeons wear masks?

So that if they make a mistake, you don't know who to blame.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

You shouldn't believe all you read either. You read in the paper that...

population of China is so great and it's increasing so fast that if all the

people who are living in China today were to start marching four abreast,

think deep.

Past this building, by the time they got to the end of the column, there would

be another generation marching behind them.

Think about it.

Is there marching?

Have you not noticed that all the people in favour of birth control have already

been born?

They'll tell you anything. They'll tell you that a flea can jump 40 times its

own height.

So can Matron, if you catch her right.

If a black cat crosses your path, you'll be lucky.

Not if you're a mouse.

And what do we know of our animal friends, huh? What do we know about

mean, do teenage polar bears hibernate around?

When a pig's being mated with a big, fat, ugly, dirty old sow, does he close

eyes and imagine she's a lovely young gazelle?

Or does she turn round and say, can't you think of anyone either?

You see, scientists have been searching for years for the missing link. That is

the link that links together the wild, savage animals and the cultured,

sophisticated, civilised man.

We try to find that link.

And, you know, do you not think that maybe it's us?

Well, here's a wee film that'll show you just how far man has progressed over

the years.

I shall ask questions afterwards.

Yeah.

You know?

What? Remember ten years ago in 1998?

Yes. Four thousand million people all came up on the same day.

Since then, not a soul, not a single...

Yes, Olive.

Don't you get a headache having to memorise all those brand names?

Oh, I do.

I tell you, stockpiling don't help neither, you know.

I'll tell you, the pain in my head and shoulders.

It's so bad, I hardly know what I'm doing.

I feel like it, I do.

I was once so bad, you know, I was going to commit suicide by taking 500

aspirins.

on with Belle.

Oh, Belle, she lives near me.

Yeah, oh, I must have plastered her house a dozen times.

She took me out to lunch the other day. We went to the Crest Hotel.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I had dined there all the time.

Oh, yes, she spent three pounds on me. She spent three pounds. Oh, only three

pounds? Yeah, well, that's all the money Belle had on us.

Oh, I bet her brother rekt.

he's over here.

I could contact 400.

He took me up to the park, you know, up to the aviary.

Did he bring any nuts for the budgies?

No, well, all the parrots eat them all, don't they?

That's what I thought.

Yes, he, you know, tried a thing. Oh, he wasn't as bad as I thought he was going

to be, actually.

But guess what? He said to me, he said, close your eyes, I've got something for

you. I thought, oh, that'll be nice.

then shall I put it in your palm olive?

I said, you betcha.

Knife boy.

Bloody gold spot.

Then he started trying to get matey.

And I said, come on now, I said, I'll let you put a gold spot in my hand, Rex.

I said, I'll sit there with you outside in the cold, Rex.

I think I'm going to lie down in the early morning dew, reckon you're going

be under the sun.

So what happened?

Oh, he went off with a night nurse called Val Derma.

And I never saw him again.

Have you got any of them invisible hair nets for

me, young lady?

Yes, they're lovely. These are guaranteed invisible, these. Yes,

Are they really invisible?

Oh, they are, yes.

We sold a dozen packets yesterday, and we've been out of them for a fortnight.

Some salt.

Yes. Would you like it scented?

No, I'll take it with me.

No, I mean, do you like her arse, Mick?

I like all of her.

Have you got amnesia?

I can't remember.

Oh, you know, amnesia, magnesium, you mean magnesium, amnesia, magnesium.

What's the difference?

Well, with amnesia, you don't know where you're going.

I mean, you've known me ever since I was a child.

Don't you remember you used to ask if I'd been a good girl or I'd been a

girl?

And if we was naughty eucalyptus round the year old?

And your wife, Jill, when that nasty man embarrassed her, well, I went to Mrs.

Lucas, eh?

I see sex powder our noses. I got her away.

do with it.

Just follow the instructions.

Sorry, darling, but your lip seems too stuck.

Yeah, Brian had the same trouble doing it up this morning.

No.

the woman

looked

him in the eye and said oh

The dad

Twenty -five years ago, a cracked latrine unit escaped from Holloway Jail.

went to work in the underground at Piccadilly Circuit.

If you have a problem and no one can help, then, if you can find them, maybe

can hire the VT.

eagle of humour.

Tell us where it is. Never. We'll never tell.

Tell us where it is. It has hidden the golden eagle. We'll never tell you.

Never tell her.

Here he is. Your friend and his.

Bernard Murray.

We'll tell you. We'll tell you.

Down the picture. Down the picture. Go on. Take it. Take it.

Work every time.

$10 million?

How could a bird save that much money?

I'll think about it.

Bachelor of art?

Yeah, and I'm a doctor of philosophy, and I'm a doctor of medicine, doctor of

divinity, and I'm also a bachelor of science.

You're kidding.

Well, you started it.

It stings. It's making my arms smart.

Then I'll pour some on your head.

It's getting liniment. There's something wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Tahinis have the longest running conflict in the Middle East.

My guess would be the Tahini embassy.

That would be my guess, too, yeah. Well, one way or another, it looks like a job

for...

that SWAT pilot.

Harry, isn't it?

Why are you asking?

You think you could get hold of this chopper?

I've never handled a chopper before.

Are you kidding?

You know I have.

How else would I have gotten my helicopter pilot license?

Okay, guys and gal, we're making for the Tahini Embassy.

So, Amy, if you want a head, I'll give these two a lift.

You sound like a bra talking to a hat.

What do I put in the middle?

She did.

No doubt?

How do you doubt?

I don't really.

I seem to be hitting my paper.

Maybe it's only a scratch. Oh, my God, that this should happen to the most

wonderful, marvelous, fantastic statuette the world has ever known.

It's just a scratch.

The bullet must have lost its impact going through B .A.

There you go, B .A.

I knew we'd come in useful one day.

Here we are.

Yes, we have captured the B team.

Let's call it for a little celebration.

Ready?

He says he ain't going to tell you where it is.

I'm going to tell him that gold megal's worth $10 million.

He doesn't tell us where it is to get 20 years in jail.

What'd he say?

He says he ain't going to tell you where it is.

I'm going to report you to get him out of here.

Well, we'll soon see about that.

Well, Mr.

Dan, Mr. Dan, go to an American!

There we are, all righty -o, huh?

Leglador, 10 million dollars, poor moi, in my bank.