Original subtitles

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to inject you.

This, uh... This may hurt a little.

Pull up your sleeve.

I say, uh, did you get

my letter?

Oh, no.

Here.

Why do you write that on the envelope?

Well, personal?

Well, it was pretty personal, wasn't it, eh?

Personal?

Oh, I thought it said personnel, and I've been showing it round the factory.

But I think it's a crime there is no little time and so many

Mama Pasquale have never tasted better. Come on, Dougie.

Tell us of your adventures.

And the girls, of course.

I took Anna Marie to

a restaurant.

She said, I guess I'll have champagne.

Then lobster and steak and wild strawberries. I said, you'd better guess

Lolita was rich when I met her.

But she went and she threw it away.

She invested it all in a chicken farm and then found that the rooster was gay.

The rod of her flat she cut on my lap in her filthy organ skirt.

I said, show me you're really my baby.

She did. She dribbled all over me.

Little Rose fell from her bedroom window.

A crowd gathered around this young elf.

And they all said, what happened? And she said, I don't know. I only just got

here meself.

Then someone bought a tumbler of water that they got from a tap that was handy.

She said, I fell 40 feet and got water. How far do you have to fall to get

brandy? But oh, lovely lady, show me your face. To hide such beauty would

be a disgrace.

Skin through the satin, hair soft as lace.

I beg you, sweet lady, cover up your face.

Please give these to the pawnbroker's daughter.

I think of her more times than I ought to. But a father won't let any young

Then these are for her and that for a dad.

or Janetta or Nola.

If you like, you can even ask me.

I thank you all for your kindness, dear ladies.

And I will smile as I tip my sombrero.

But if I can't have the girl that I love for, it's goodbye to the gay.

My doctor died last week.

He was only 29.

29? I wouldn't have much confidence in a doctor who died as young as that.

Come in.

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. McGee, only, you see, I'd like a transfer.

What's all this about?

Well, you see, it's all the other clock. They keep saying I'm like a monkey.

They keep saying I'm like a orangutan, you know.

I'm not like a monkey. I'm not. I mean, I'm getting fed up with it. I'm not like

a monkey. I'm not imagining all this. I'm not imagining it.

I'm not like a monkey. And I want to transfer. And I'm not like a monkey. Of

course you're not. If that's what you want, I'll arrange a transfer.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Any particular branch?

Welcome once again to yet another holiday programme.

And tonight, we'll be looking at budget holidays.

And once again, Spain comes out top of the list with seven nights in Mallorca

for just £50.

That is, of course, seven nights, and does not include the days.

During the days, of course, you can do whatever you like, just as long as you

keep out of Mallorca.

Our cut -price cruise is in the Bay of Biscay.

and is available from the 1st of January to the 8th of January.

For seven... For seven days cruising in the Bay of Biscay, this is just

£75.

That's with six meals a day.

Three down and three up.

Mr and Mrs Thorne of the Hollies, Priggle Bottom Lane, itching head.

Spend a week in the south of France to celebrate their 10th wedding

And they'd like to know how much it would cost for a double bedroom for them

a single room for their 12 -year -old son.

Send there to find out.

The town of Saint -Louis nestled snugly midway between Monte Carlo and the

Spanish border.

And with each house in the air, this delightful resort gains in popularity,

especially with the British holiday maker.

As always, a warm welcome awaits at the Club Jollibec.

And with the sky a cloudless blue and the temperature well into the 80s... Oh,

thank you. I certainly won't be needing these until the end of my holiday. Thank

you.

The Updikes from Romford are paying £200.

For that, they're getting half -born.

Of course, for another £50, they could get completely born.

This might include soft drinks and any of the many teas and many of the many,

many, many, many teas.

Laundry is excellent.

The beaches, of course, are free.

As is all the sporting equipment.

Determined to leave fitter than when he arrived, Mr. Updike is taking full

advantage of the physical training instruction.

with small children will be pleased to know that a qualified babysitter is in

attendance 24 hours a day.

And for those who can afford it, there are a

number of five -star hotels.

Oh, this hotel is fantastic, you know.

Because, you see, it's deluxe.

My dad's paying a hundred pounds a day for me to stay here, you know. Money can

afford it. It's a plumber, you see.

Makes £50 ,000 a year, my dad does.

£50 ,000?

My dad's a brain surgeon. He doesn't make that.

More didn't my dad when he was a brain surgeon.

Oh, then there's them waiters, like.

Oh, that Alphonse.

You had a crush on him, didn't you?

I did, yeah. An orange crush on him.

Of course, I could have had champagne, only, you know, it gives me the wind,

see.

Alphonse, you know, one night he sort of crushed me to his manly bottom.

And he looked at me with his good eye.

And as the warm Rive Vita breeze caressed me body, he said to me, Mon

he said, Mon Cheri.

He was all breathless because he was using both lungs, you see.

He said, Mon Cheri, he said, you sweat less than any other fat girl I know.

Oh, and the weather's great, isn't it? I had a job getting my dad to come, you

know. He didn't want to come. He didn't want to leave his telly. He watches the

telly all day long. Do you know, he believes that the people in Crossroads

real.

Like they are in Coronation Street.

I tell you, if it wasn't for Emmerdale Farm, he'd get no fresh air at all.

Oh, and it's so worth it, guys.

Oh, they're lovely. We visited some lovely cities.

We'll put our little shorts on.

Too long or too loose?

Well, mine wasn't, I tell you that.

But after all that grub, I felt real bloated.

Merci, Gaston.

Pour une jolie demoiselle.

Oh, c 'est vrai, n 'est -ce pas?

L 'amour, toujours l 'amour.

And then on to you for some more l 'amour.

I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that, Dad. I keep telling you, French food

doesn't need all that sauce.

Oh, God, you have to take me everywhere twice once to apologise.

You know what I mean?

We might get slim on lemon juice, but never on Sundays.

People holidaying in this part of France would be well advised to keep an eye on

their incidentals. They can turn out to be anything but incidental. This beach

umbrella will set you back two pounds for the day.

An hour on a pedalo will cost you three pounds.

And to rent a sunbed and beach towel will cost you exactly four pounds.

If you're prepared to put on a little weight, there are many fine bars and

restaurants.

Thanks.

George, have you seen these prices?

George!

The spaghetti restaurant has a pet meal at four pounds. This includes the VAT,

but not the TIP.

The motto of the club jolly fest is, you come as a stranger, but leave as a

friend.

And if you arrive alone, well, you certainly won't be alone for long.

For those holidaymakers with tight budgets, this beach is the one for you.

called the Sun of the Beach.

And you can sit at this table all day long, and it won't cost you a penny.

a few francs for two little bottoms, for a two -litre bottle of wine, and, of

course, a nice crusty French loaf, a good wedge of cheese,

a camembert bread.

Camembert bread.

If you're not as close to the water as you'd like to be, just lean down, pick

a shell, and you can hear the sea.

Soon, it'll be time to think about returning home and looking up old Fred.

And Mr. Updike will certainly feel a lot fitter than when he arrived.

And now it's time to leave this beautiful sunny south of France and

thank you so much, to wet and windy White City. I'll certainly need this.

In all, Mr. Uplight's holiday cost him 300 pounds.

That's 100 pounds for the holiday and 200 pounds for the osteopath.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for. But do join us next week when we

will be looking at sporting holidays.

And we'll be looking at surfing in Switzerland.

We'll be looking at mountaineering in Holland.

And for those of you with less to spend, there will be shooting and tooting,

dancing and lancing, sailing and hailing, sledding and redding, and

farm boats.

Until then, on behalf of us all, I just...

On behalf of us all, I'd like to bid you all very good night.

Oh, love, I do wish you wouldn't keep reading in bed.

who prophesied that the world would end in 1933.

And for him, it did.

But he left behind a legacy of wonderful yarns and poems, and even the titles of

them have a sort of logical ring to them. Titles like One Good Turin Gets

of the Bedclothes, Do Unto Others, Then Run.

pianos, when they're not upright, they are grand.

And not only did he write the books, but he also designed the covers.

And I thought I'd read to you one poem

from this book here, which, as

you can see,

please pass father down the bus.

Not as some people read it, please pass your father down the bus.

The same thing at all. Let's see where we are now.

What is the United Nations, asked the young wee lad?

It's where helpless nations turn in times of trouble, said his dad.

When one nation all alone decided can do nothing, son.

That's when the United Nations meet and decide that nothing can be done.

The lad said, I see politicians on TV every night.

Some say this, some say that. They can't all be right.

Some say this is so. Some say the opposite applies.

Now, how is the wee lad to know which one is telling lies?

His dad said, there's one sure method.

Way beyond improving.

Watch their faces.

You'll see.

The one who's telling lies.

is the one whose lips are moving.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. If you do, it may lead to

sorrow. Because if you do it today and you like it, you can do it again

tomorrow.

He who laughs when things go wrong has just thought of someone he can blame it

on.

The soldier sat in the army jail.

And his mother had brought him a puddin'. You can't bring that in here,

sergeant, even though it was a good 'un.

And he saw the look in the mother's eyes and he knew she was feeling hurt.

So he did a thing he thought he'd never do.

He helped a soldier to desert.

Well, the soldier got hold of his puddin'. And he ran

with it back to his cell.

Then... Put out your puddings for treacle, he heard the sergeant yell.

If you want treacle on your puddings, put it out without delay.

The soldier put out his puddings, and the sergeant took it away.

Thank you.

Mmm.

I've checked it in the Daphne anyway.

wonder you're in here, is it? Riding your motorbike on the pavement to avoid

paying road tax.

And when that copper asked you if you had a pillion, what did you say?

How many's that?

He meets Her Majesty the Queen and all he can think of to say is, that reminds

me I must get some stamps.

He puts in six new windows in his house and then finds that his glasses are

cracked.

And they're very quiet.

Oh, you all right, Albert?

I've been to the dentist, haven't I?

Wisdom tooth.

They put one in.

Oh, he took it out. Well, he wasn't half big.

That's its filler.

I know.

The dentist has got it.

in hospital.

Broke his leg.

How? Playing poker.

How could he break his leg playing poker?

He cheats.

I see Charlie got three years then.

What for?

Disturbing the peace.

You don't get three years for disturbing the peace.

You do if the peace you disturb is the magistrate's wife.

And convene a special assize court.

All the things she said about him.

Don't say she said that.

She didn't say what to say.

I say she... What's up with you then?

Here. I took the number seven bus.

That frightened the life out of me.

Why? I'd never driven a bus before.

Ain't them coppers in there will tie you up enough.

Ah, not me.

I'm quick -witted.

Quick -witted?

You couldn't handle a click if your false teeth come loose.

The beasts are all right. They're only doing their job.

Why don't you dye your head blue and join them?

That's why we need coppers anyway.

I mean, people are basically honest, aren't they?

If anyone finds a glove in the street, they put it on the wall and go on, don't

they? Till they find the other glove and then they run back for the foot.

Don't they?

Which I'd kick.

You what?

I'd kick.

Well, it's like when they say we can't have archaic and eat it as well.

Here, where did you get that book from?

I found it outside.

Well, don't let them coppers see you've got that book. You know what I like.

stuffing them now, then.

Right,

we're ready for you now. If it wasn't for coppers, we wouldn't be here.

Who's the toughest bloke in this pub? You are, mate, you are. Right.

Hey, you!

Who's the toughest bloke in this pub?

Oh!

Oh!

It's all right, it's all right. No need to get aggressive, just because you

don't know the answer.