Original subtitles

God, jeez, I just had a funny dream.

I was back at the sheep shearing station.

anywhere. Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, the lad himself, Benny Hill.

Now they sported down there on the beach with blonde girls round her head. She

had a TV with her and his hair was plainly red.

I said, tell me about his father. Was his hair as red as that?

She said, I couldn't tell you sport. He didn't take off his hat.

So I went

to

the opening of a big store's annual sale.

With the way them sheilas push and shove, that's stronger than us males.

One lady had me on me back, and I looked up in horror as a young girl sat on my

face. I'm going again tomorrow.

So a lady said, find my husband, I think he's

disappeared. I said, I'll need a description.

She said, well, he's got a long white beard, and he's short and fat and bald,

and the size of his nose you wouldn't credit.

His eyes are crossed, he's got no teeth on second thoughts, forget it.

And you will never drown.

We are one.

So I asked Peter what to do if she fell in the bay.

I said, would you tear your clothes off so that you could swim away?

She said, well, I'd keep me blouse on. That's the method I'd employ.

You see, the air gets underneath her and it acts just like a boy.

The bidet's broken through all the bloke's of Anne's hands in the shower.

I've found out the receptionist and with great annoyance said, I've got a leak

in my wash basin. She said, okay, go ahead.

Oh, don't you look lovely there.

You know, that's the nicest I've ever seen you look. No, Stilly, that's not

That's Mum when she was my age.

No,

my dear, you've not got Asian flu.

You've got Egyptian flu.

You're going to be a mummy.

This is the opening of the Chin -Yu Chinese Opera Company.

Tonight, I'm happy to welcome, with his choreographer, the leading light, Mr.

Chow Min.

to Great Britain. Do people of China send greetings to you, Prime Minister?

Margaret Thatcher?

Mr. Anthony, which way, Ben?

Michael Foote? A living leg end?

Legend. Not to mention Roy Jenkins.

Roy Jenkins.

I said not to mention Roy Jenkins!

is he no can see, Lloyd?

All the time he say, why?

It's, um, it's the way he rolls his eyes.

I never see him walk. I'm not lying.

For the people of China, wish prosperity on your people and peace on your

government.

What is the name of this opera you're presenting?

Little White Buttercup.

The opera is called Little White Buttercup. No, she's Little White

No, she's called Little White Buttercup. No, I say to her, you lift your right

buttercup.

This is still warm.

No, no, no.

You'll have to help me out.

Why, which way you come in?

I, I read, what does it say? Oh, it say, high pong, one long hoe, hoof long

dung.

In English?

In English, Confucius say, wise men never hide in ready wardrobe after

baked beans.

This story of a poor boy who live outskirt of Peking.

Yeah, his talents are so poor, he was made in Hong Kong.

to the right.

One day, he see a robbery lady.

A lovely lady. Oh, you run in, yeah.

Any load up, she is in a temper.

She's angry.

No, she very calm and saline.

But he just said she's in a temper.

Yes, in a holy temper.

Oh, in a holy temper.

Yes.

praying with a mandarin. Who also remains calm.

Pardon? He keeps his cool. He keeps his what cool?

A mandarin. Yeah? She's praying with a mandarin.

No, she no praying with a mandarin. She praying with a mandarin.

She's praying on the mandarin.

Yeah!

House in Peking.

So, boy decides he is going to Peking.

Through the suburbs.

No, through the window.

Rod of broncas.

But to get there, he must go through big, clean trees in forest.

And in forest, he meets her father, who is very rich.

He have all about his possum, sort of like a river pouches, or thing, you

and all full of gold.

It's true.

Ryan Neal.

Ryan O 'Neil?

No, the Ryan Neal.

We got a big Ryan, six foot tall.

You're lying.

No, she telling the truth.

He come all the way from the mountains of Tibet.

Himalaya? No, him speak trophy.

But you enjoy doing these traditional shows.

She once had a man.

She, uh... She wants Adam Ant on the show.

She wants Adam Ant on the show.

She wants Adam Ant on the show. Yeah!

I thought you were talking about her boyfriend.

Oh, she no have time for boyfriends. She too busy getting hold of her husbands.

Husbands? Yes.

How many husbands are there?

One of the husbands is a girl.

One of the husbands is a girl? Yeah, that's a Murray husband.

Then there is a Donny husband.

And a little Jimmy husband.

Who sing...

here to rub a rubber river pool.

The Osmer. Yay!

I'm sorry, but it's rather difficult trying to understand you.

How do you think it is for us to understand you, Rob?

Yeah, we go in a pub the other night. I say to a man, I say, would you like a

pint? He says, not half.

He says, I'm not offering you a half. I offer you a pint. I come outside. It's a

big sign.

It says Camelot.

Pronounced success.

which on a television or some area there is just singing, Oh, milk has got a lot

of bottle. Milk has got a lot of bottle.

Milk cannot have a lot of bottle. A bottle can have a lot of milk. Yes!

And

now,

let us see some excerpts from the canoe, Chinese Opera Company.

Japan.

Hey,

you. How do you know my name?

Is he all right?

Well, what's that then? It's a bedpan.

It's a what?

It's a bedpan, dear.

Bad language? Aye.

What have you got for us today, Mr. Wright?

Sexism, nudity, or bad language?

Could we not have a little of each?

I do believe he enjoys the smoke, you know.

It's the, um, eight o 'clock slot.

So who is the continuity announcer?

Uh, Michael Attenborough. Oh, God, I can't stand him.

Have you seen his eyes?

Like a butcher looking over two pounds of cold liver.

Ah, here it is. He says, good evening. We all know what his idea of a good

evening is, don't we?

Drink and debauchery, no less.

Ladies and gentlemen.

And where do we most often see those names written up?

Outside public conveniences?

Not to put too fine a point on it, toilets?

It gives me great pleasure. I'm sure it does.

We're back to sex again, I see.

To present number two.

Oh, his mind's always in the lavatory.

In a series of foreplay.

Did you say foreplay?

It's not for Channel 4, is it? Not that dirty lot.

It's like I've been watching them, you know.

He said foreplay. It sounds like a Channel 4 play.

Oh, I think you're...

Four players. I see, yes. This one is called... I can see what it's called.

a terrible title. Look at that.

Joe's Brandy Lasses.

No, no, no.

Oh, Joe's Brandy Lasses.

Carry on, men. Carry on.

I've seen one.

I've seen more than one as well.

Pat's bedroom as seen from outside.

The curtains are not drawn.

Pat enters and begins to disrobe slowly and seductively.

Whip pan.

Whips? Did you say whips?

Are you sure it's not Channel 4?

It means the camera pans quickly through the window,

obviously, where, lurking in the shadows, stands Leslie, wide -eyed with

gazing at the tantalising body of the now -naked passion. Oh, God, are we

not degraded enough?

I'm sure it will be shot very carefully.

And if anything too revealing is shot, I'm sure it'll be cut out and filed

Thrown away.

But what about all the people in the studio having a good look? What about

Only the essential technicians will be there.

Yes, I know, like the car park attendant and the canteen manager.

I've seen them. They'll be hanging from the rafters. Tell me, is the...

I don't think so.

I mean,

the

actor,

he'll be enjoying himself, won't he? And he'll be getting paid for it. But

honestly, I think it's so damned unfair that the girl who's playing the part of

Patricia... has to degrade herself by showing her nakedness to millions of

viewers. And that's what I think. Oh,

I didn't see that. Pat, it's not short for Patricia. It's short for Patrick.

It's a man.

It's a man.

Who undresses?

A pervert.

Someone who gets...

out of carrying on in this disgusting way, I suppose.

Played, no doubt, by some exhibitionist actor who thinks his naked body will

drive us women mad.

You still want this Leslie arrested?

Yes, of course I do. I mean, lurking in the shadows there with binoculars. He

sounds like a disgusting man, this Leslie. No, no, no, no, no. It's Leslie

a Y. Look, Leslie Ann.

It's a girl. Yes, it's a girl who's spying on the man.

Oh, so it's a girl who is forced to witness this disgusting spectacle.

Do you still want this girl arrested for spying on the man?

No, I want the man arrested for indecent exposure.

I don't know about you, but I'm going out the back for a breath of fresh air.

When will these male chauvinist anti -feminist sexist writers realise that

basically men and women are equal?

Well, don't you stand up when a lady leaves the table, for heaven's sake.

I've dropped my glove, you know, pick a glove up for a lady. Have you no

manners? Do you not know better than to wear your hat in the presence of a lady,

for goodness sake? And I am a lady.

I tell you, if I wasn't here, lady, I'd smack you right in the gob.

Oh, for heaven's sake, after all, you see, all we

women want is equality.

It's nothing I could ever make out. How am I dreaming? Will I wake up just to

find out this is true?

We'll be right back.

you go to bed.

bad news and I've got some good news.

First of all, the bad news.

We'll all have to go and take a cut in our wages.

But, now the good news.

I talked them into backdealing it till last March.

We seem to resemble each other quite extraordinarily.

Yeah, I know. Was your mother ever chambermaid here?

No, my father was a gardener. Yes.

From downtown Teddington, Middlesex, England, Europe,

James Television are proud to present Super Team!

But to felons, to criminals, to

usurpers and the enemies of freedom, is

Super Teach!

This week's episode, Super Teach meets Wanda the Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked

Wicked Wicked Wicked Wicked

I'll be glad when they fix that drinks machine.

Brown windows of soup with sugar and cream.

Oh, she's bright. I'll say that for her. Only wish I could say the same for a

Willie Baxter.

Listen to this.

Define the following words.

Relax.

A piece of dark chocolate.

Magoon. A French idiot.

Matt Adam.

The first Scotsman.

Sausage. A hamburger in tights.

It's time for PT.

Take care. at the princess.

I dread to think what her father would do if anything happened to her.

This looks like a case for super teach.

And prefer.

Hands up.

Are you two okay?

That's good.

Thank you.

Oh, good heavens!

Is it you, Princess Jasmine?

Oh, thank heavens, you're all right.

King Mustafa, father of the kidnapped Princess Jasmine, arrived in Great

today. He is offering a reward of five million pounds.

for information leading to her release.

Here is a Gail warning.

Gail, get out of the flat! The wife's coming home!

You mean to say, my beloved daughter, Mrs. Justin

is here now?

Oh, my daughter, my dear...