Original subtitles

The Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, the Latin felt, Benny Hill!

Thank you, everybody.

Well, thank you kindly folks.

That story is right neighborly of you.

And I want to thank each and every one of you people for coming here tonight.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. See, I'm joshing. I've got my group here.

My group, my group, hear with me.

And we're going to sing at you now.

I don't know why you're doing us no harm.

We're going to sing about the unluckiest man in the world, and his name was

Unlucky Luke.

Here we go.

Now they say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will be the pathway

your house.

But if Luke was to build a better mousetrap, someone would breed a smarter

Whenever it started raining soup, his family would all have fought.

If he was to cut a woman in two, he'd get the half the talk.

How lucky he is. How lucky kid. How lucky kid. Why, he broke into a betting

and he lost 400 quid.

Now his parents never loved him like they did his sister Kim.

They'd tie a kipper around his neck to get the cat to play with him.

And he cried.

because he knew even then it'd be 20 years before he was near anything like

again. They put his cradle on a wardrobe near the door so his folks downstairs

could hear him when he fell out on the floor.

Now the saddest day of Luke's unhappy life beyond a doubt was the day he went

hospital to have his tonsils out. He was on the operating theater trolley

sleeping sound. A short -sighted nurse came past and turned the trolley around.

I'm lucky enough No wonder he hollers.

His rich aunt died, and in her will he owed her $40.

Now, Luke married Charlie's widow, a lady with no manners.

She'd a figure like a hippo and a face like a bag of spinners.

She told him to keep four children in the century by the creek. She forgot to

tell him they was down there playing hide -and -seek.

Unlucky Luke got to age of 52, and a wife, a girlfriend, and a tax -demanded

three were overdue.

He came home one last time. He'd been out studying Lucky Charms. He took over

neighbor's cat and fractured both his arms.

He said, that's the black cat. Why, that's lucky I have a hunch. His wife

that cat's lucky because he just had your lunch.

That night he lost his bed of fish and pop.

So he phoned up the Samaritans with the Samaritans hung up.

Oh, Luke, I'm so deprived.

His wife said, I suppose you'll fly.

He said, we look like mine. The plane is crashing out. Too young to die.

So he sailed there in the safety of an ocean -going ship. But he got drowned,

the ship went down when a plane crashed into it.

Unlucky Luke!

Unlucky Luke!

Until the day he died, it was again unlucky Luke!

If I were you, I'd let him get over the shock of knowing that he's won half a

million pounds on the pools first.

Then tell him that you forgot to post the coupon.

Excuse me.

Is

that

your foot?

Pardon? Does that foot belong to you?

This? Oh, this book.

Yes, because it's a book.

I thought it was a foot.

Silly me.

Learning all the time.

What then is foot?

Oh, that is a foot.

Oh, that is a shoe. Sorry, that is a shoe.

That is a shoe. That is a shoe. And that is a foot. Oh, and that is a foot.

all the time.

I know another word.

Knee. That is a knee.

No, that is a knee.

A knee.

Yeah, yeah.

Masculine knee.

Feminine knee.

No.

It's a knee. Oh, that is a knee.

I could have my... Oh, I'll give you back your foot.

Shoe, shoe, shoe.

Well, well, well.

I have learned a new word.

I must write it down, because the professor says, if you get a new word,

must write it down. And he says, I want the writing written right. I don't want

the writing written rotten.

That's what he says, the professor.

I have left my foot at home.

Book. Book, book, book, yeah.

Never mind, I shall remember.

When I get a new word, it goes straight up here, in my bum.

Your head, your head.

That is your head?

No, that is my head, this is my head, and that is your head.

Ah, so this is my head, and that is your head. Well, well, well.

Learning all the time.

What is bum?

Well, it's not a very nice word.

We don't use it. What do you say, then? Well, we say, um, bottom.

Don't say bum, say bottom.

What is bottom?

It's sort of... Oh, it's a naughty one.

It's a naughty one.

This is my bottom.

This is my bottom.

And that is your bottom.

Learning all the time.

Have you the correct watch on you?

Pardon? What watch is it?

Oh. Oh.

Half watch six.

Well, not much. Well, I never... I shall go across the park now to the cafe and

have fish and chips.

Oh, you like half fish and chips? I hate your fish and chips, but that's the

only thing I know how to order.

Well, there are other things besides fish and chips. I mean, how about steak

kidney pudding?

Try it. Steak and kidney pudding.

Kate and Sidney who?

Bacon kidney pudding.

Bacon kinky pudding.

Bacon kidney pudding.

Bacon you're kidding me pudding.

Bacon kidney pudding.

I shouldn't do that. I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

I like you. I do. I like your bust.

You mustn't say that.

Why not? It's true. Of all the girls I meet in London, I like you best.

Best. Best.

Best is more good. Yes. Well, well, well.

Learning all the time.

What is best?

I don't think I want to explain that. I have upset you now. I've said naughty

words. I say naughty things. I don't mean to. I can't help it. No, it's all

fault. Every time I open my mouth, I put my book in it.

Foot. Foot, foot, foot. Well, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's my fault. No, no, no.

No, no, no. I shall go across the park now and have fish and chips all by

myself.

Oh, look. Look, it's all right.

Look, why don't you come back with me?

I've got enough here to eat for two.

I couldn't do that.

What would your mother and father say?

If you're right, I live on my own.

Look, there's a number 51 bus. If we hurry, we can make it. Naked? Why did

say naked?

No, make it. Get on the bus. Oh, make it is get on the bus. What is naked?

I'll explain that when we get there.

Are you German?

Dutch? No, I come from Bradford. Only you see, if I don't talk foreign, I'm

getting out.

Good evening.

Tonight the subject of discussion is euthanasia.

And I have with me in the studio an expert, Dr. LeFou. Dr. LeFou, would you

to speak first? Thank you. Good evening.

Euthanasia. It's quite a subject.

I have spent many years visiting old people's homes. And so I've met many old

people. Very old, many of them.

So I feel I know how the old feel about euthanasia.

And so, for the next hour, me too will be putting forward our various points of

view, the results of our subject into the lives of the old.

Now, one of the things we will have to discuss, of course, is their diet, and

again, their accommodation.

Doctor, he's won half a million on the pool.

I'm afraid to tell him it's his heart.

Yes, you're quite right to send for me. Quite right.

Now then, old chap, how are we?

Very well.

Fine, fine.

Now, have you ever won anything on the pool?

No. No, no. I mean, for example, what would you do if you won, say, 500

,000 pounds on the pool?

I'd give you half of it.

that teacher who's took over from Miss Brodie.

I said to her in the playground, I said, Miss Potts, Miss Brodie always said we

was la creme de la creme.

She said, aye, that's because you're such a lot of clots.

But Jean, she's not so smart. I mean, take for a start, you know what she said

last week to my friend Di?

Are you reading that paper you're sitting on?

Di says, yes, miss, I've just swallowed my glass, aye.

Last week, Miss Potts caught me in the park. I was climbing up a tree.

She said, if you fall down and break both your legs, don't come running to

In the classroom, she says, what is a paradox?

I says, a couple of medical men.

She says, name five animals found on a farm. I says, four pigs and a hen.

She says, name a seagoing animal using only eight letters.

I looks up, I says, ship's cut.

She says, can anyone here spell Thistledown? Well, I spelled it right,

that. She said, oh, we're smart today, Ambrosia.

All right, so you know how to spell.

But do you know what Thistledown means?

I says, aye, it means rainy like hell.

But, jings, that Miss Brodie took us to the zoo. And we had tea and cakes, it

was nice.

And we had jelly and custard and strawberries and cream while Annie and

sick twice.

It wasn't enough for Big Jenny.

She went off to the monkey's hut and put her hand through the bars of a cage and

ran off with a chimpanzee's nut.

She didn't like that.

My wee sister went into the elephant house and she come out all trembling and

pale. She said, Miss Brodie, I've seen a big, great, big, grey monster picking

up Bonswick's tail.

Miss Brodie said, all right, so I picked up Bonswick's tail.

That's no need for you to be crying.

Tell us all, what did it do with the buns?

If I tell you, you'll say I was lying.

We... We never seen the hippity -poppity -hum -hominy buses. We never seen them.

They're in the back mating, said the man at the zoo.

Miss Brodie said, would they not come out for an apple?

The man said, Miss Brodie, would you?

That went home, because he's a spinster, you see.

But I... Now, the man showed us a leopard with 365 spots on, one for each

the year. He said, I say, what about leap year?

He said, Arnold, lift its tail and show this girl the 29th of Feb.

But, Jeans, I can't stand that mid -force.

She dies from a stomach up in knots.

I mean, I really hate her. Well, suffice to say, I used to get up at seven, but

I now get up at six, so I can hate her for an extra hour each day.

She says, how does a golfer make the tea?

I said, he gets it from his caddy.

She says, does anyone here know what a boycott is? I said, aye, it's a bed for

wee laddie.

She says, what is air?

I said, it's a balloon with the skin off.

We've got a lot of that in our garden. She says, what's granite?

I said, granite is what you reply when someone says they pardon.

Brodie took us out on bonfire night with the French teacher, Monsieur de la

Petite. And she lit up a rocket in his trouser pocket and damage was done to

some property.

But Miss Brodie, oh, she's fun.

Sometimes we sort of kid her on about why she never did marry.

She says, my dears, when you're la creme de la creme, you don't wed any Tom or

Dick or Harry.

Officer proposed to me once.

I turned him down. I said, it's no use. You should have waited.

He went out and he got quite drunk.

I said, well, that's one way of celebrating.

Not many girls have been courted by earls or other members of the

she said.

Why, the day that I marry, I'll make a lot of men unhappy.

I said, why, how many men are you going to wed?

Last Sunday we buried Miss Brodie.

I had to because she was dead.

There was freshly cut flowers and the freshly cut words on a pure white

headstone red.

Here lies a lovely lady devoted all of her life being mother to hundreds of

children but never once was a wife.

Born a maid, died a maid.

And the sad result of this is the simplest of scores.

No sixes, no fours.

No hits, no runs, no misses.

Now,

who'd like to help me handle the history book? Oh, I would, Miss Potts. I love

you, Miss Potts. You know I love you. Let me help you, Miss Potts. You know I

love you. I do love you, Miss Potts.

Well, we all have to live, don't we?

Oh, it's your father. He's missed his train again.

I say, would you like to rinse your chamois out in my bath water?

Oh, no.

Well, run down your ladder to the drain. I'm just going to pull the plug out.

Hi there. I'm your new video machine.

And this is your remote control panel.

With this remote control panel, you can make your television set play tricks.

You can freeze frame.

You can go into reverse.

You can go forwards fast.

You can go backwards fast.

In fact, there's hardly a thing that you can't do with your remote control panel

and the video machine.

solidified goat's milk, and drinking fermented maize water.

What a strange, primitive, childlike creature he is.

If you were his enemy, you'd risk having your head cut off.

And this peaceful -looking fellow would shrink it down to the size of an orange,

like this.

I'm sure there's always someone who'd like to do that, too.

All day long is watching that television.

Come on, take the dog out. And when you come back and clean the windows, get

home and move on. All you do is watch television.

What an ugly, miserable, whining old hag she is!

shimmering with the morning sun.

Then she dives in and disappears beneath the water.

I missed that.

I'll have to rewind now.

You're like a big tooth playing with a new toy.

You want to get out and get yourself a bit of exercise. Get rid of some of that

fat. That's a well -known fact, that is. Exercise gets rid of fat.

Well, how come you've got a double chin, then?

I was the only to remove her tackle or bodice.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Not so fast.

Let's see, Bernie.

Go on, have a taste.

She can have the top off my egg any time.

Go on, look at that.

No.

No? No, mate.

Oh, get off, mate. Oh, get out of here. Get out of here. Oh, I've missed her

now. Haven't you got anything better to do?

Oh, wind back.

One of these days he's got to be late.

Well, I think I could have married Willie Turner. Now, there was a man.

He had poise. He had class.

He had taste.

He married someone else, didn't he, eh?

Will you quit that damn thing off? Quit it off!

Right.

Now, you just listen to me for a change. I'm just about...

Very nice.

Anyway, I'd love to come for a walk in the park with Daddy.

Come on, Daddy.

Let's take Wolfram for a little walk. Mummy will come this time as well.

Oh, there's a nice Daddy.

Wolfram!

Is this the man?

No. That one?

No. Is this the one?

No. That one?

No. This one?

That is the man. That is the one.

What are you talking about, huh? Why did you pick on me, huh?

Why did you pick on me? Why did you say I'm a man?

I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

I say, it's about the wife.

You can stop looking for her.

She's come back home.

I've asked you not to phone me at work, ain't I?

Yeah. All right, yeah. And I won't forget, yeah. Hang on, hang on.

Two pound of potatoes, yeah.

And one pound of roast steak, yeah. I am writing it down, yeah. And four cans of

beer. And two bottles of lager.

Cider. Oh, for goodness sake, stop wriggling about.

Stop wriggling.