Original subtitles

I don't really want to go.

I mean, they'll all be bright, young things.

Look at me.

Look at these crow's feet.

Come on, you don't want to worry about crow's feet. Give it a bit of character.

Do you really think so? I do, honestly.

Go to the party, enjoy yourself.

I bet people won't even notice your crow's feet.

Yes,

it's the Benny Hill Show.

of your favorite substance.

Bob Cobb, Bella Ember, Henry McGee,

Roger Finch, Jackie Wright, and here he is, the lad

himself, Benny Hill.

I'm the plow horse. I put his blinkers on. And I said, come on there, Joey boy.

Come on there, Big John.

Now, come on, Dick, and come on, Harry. Come on, Jake and Carter.

It makes him think he's got some help, and he pulls a little harder.

Now, I learned to swim when I was eight.

Down on the port.

The port took me out to the middle of the lake.

Down on the port. He pushed me out of the boat, said, son, swim back.

Down on the port. I had a heck of a job getting out of the sack.

Down on the port.

to the general store and said, do you sell gasoline?

Axle grease and turpentine, tangles and creamine, artificial manure and

mothballs. The guy said, would you do, ma 'am? She said, well, go and wash your

hands and cut me a slice of hair.

She got a brand new hearing aid.

She said it's worth every penny I pay.

Well, I've only had it a week and yesterday I heard from my sister in

Now our Indians farm...

I said, my wife not true to me.

Me want oranges.

Me plant orange tree.

Me plant corn. Up come corn plant brand. Up come brand.

Last year me plant Indian and up come China man.

He's going to stay with us.

Down on the farm. Got my brother Charlie gutting fuss.

Down on the farm. He's got the one called Lorna Do.

Down on the farm. I got her sister nothing do.

Down on the farm.

For a kiss, she said it won't do any harm. I want to tell the folks I'll be

kissed by the boy who runs the farm.

He'll be a feather in my cap, at least that's my belief.

I said come into the wigwam and I'll make you an Indian chief.

That's the end of the little story.

Down on the farm. I met my future mother -in -law.

Down on the farm. She got the biggest mouth and old man took it.

Down on the farm. She sleeps with her false teeth in a bucket.

fever something cruel and lord have bought me water to try and keep me cool

she stopped bringing water though i was thirstier in hell i said why you no

bring water she said white man fit on well

for every game.

that at 9 o 'clock this evening there will be another short arts program.

Another short arts program.

Another not very long arts program.

This one features Fred Marceau in the statue.

A lot of old rubbish.

What a load of old codswallop.

Thirty -four pounds of that rubbish.

You're a big Nancy.

What a load of rubbish.

Hold it.

What a load of tripe.

Now, look, I've had just about enough of you. You know it all.

I mean, we're doing our best.

Well, it's that much good, isn't it? How very, very dare you.

How do you know I've had my legs insured for 20 ,000 pounds?

And what did you do with the money?

You know, we don't all like that ballet and opera stuff.

Well, who's we then? You and your mum?

No. Look, I represent the public.

Oh, did you hear that, everyone?

He represents the public.

And waiting 50 million viewers vote for you, that's what I'd like to know. But I

never heard about it.

Oh, I tell you, you people don't give the public what they want.

Everybody wants cricket and crossroads all the time.

I mean, some people want something a little more eyebrow.

That's right, here's a don't.

Well, 50 million viewers don't all live up your street, do they?

The only thing you're good for is a pantomime horse, and she could be the

end. So what about me, then?

Oh, you just be yourself.

I don't have to listen to this. And I don't have to listen to this.

Let's see what rubbish is on ITV.

I'm not watching this.

and was in such distress that he couldn't tell whether he was coming or

The lady doctor asked him to crawl towards her, and then to crawl away from

He did this, and she said she couldn't tell whether he was coming or going.

At the Old Vale today, Justice Pendleton said that law and order in Great

Britain was in a stocking top.

Or was in a shocking state.

He went on to say that he thought it was adorable.

Deplorable, the way that a crime...

Hey, hey, over here. Yes, I'm the only one. That's right, I'm the only one.

You see, this whole rotten mess started in Dungeness when Jock and me went and

signed on for a trip to Sri Lanka.

The captain said, where's the anchor? I said, no need, it's right there, half a

ton.

She's 19 years old. Her name's Nell. And I heard myself shout, God, someone will

find out. He said, I know that, but who's going to tell?

That night there was a gale. The crew clung to the rail. None was more seasick

than Carruthers.

Then old Dr. Rummock said, you've got a weak stomach.

He said, I'm chugging it as far as the others.

Then Nell crawled up on deck with her dress soaking wet. She said, I'll get

pulmonia and...

Tintosh here, big enough to cover this poor deer.

Jock said, there's a MacTavish who's willing to try.

Then the whole ship went down. I said, mind you don't drown, hang on to a boy

you can.

Nell looked at me coy, she said, you're not a boy, get away, you're a dirty old

man.

And as we reached the shore, we was greeted by four great big natives.

One was king, you could tell. An old Alan Chisholm said, do you practice

cannibalism? He said, no, never.

We do it quite well.

And into the plot they put Charlie Knox, Harry Dunne and his big brother Davy,

who'd a smile on his lip.

He said, well, we've had our chips, but at least...

Would you do us a favour?

Would you shout when it starts to boil?

I said, Your Majesty, why did you spare me?

He said, Well, we've had crews from liners and freighters, but each time

got an Irish man in the pot, the beggars get all the potatoes.

It's usually the Irish bloke who is the butt of a joke.

This time it was the English who panicked.

I'll be leaving this isle, and I'll be travelling in style aboard the S. This

toy town!

Fingers, my dear.

You!

there is crime, wherever there is dirty work afoot.

That is where you'll find the man who keeps our town clean.

Undercover Sanitary Inspector starring Dirk Reynolds

as Dan Dan, the laboratory man.

Simple serpent.

As law and order.

I can't contemplate life without you. I always want to be with you. I want to

share your every waking moment, your every experience. I always want to be by

your side. I never want to leave you, not ever. Not for a moment.

I've got to go to the ladies' room.

I'll see you in five minutes.

And see me a brain feeble as Trixie.

15p for them.

What about it, Boots? I don't know.

You try walking in them.

Would you wrap the price off?

It's a gift.

This week's episode, never kiss a chicken on the lip.

Yes?

I'm going to wash that gal right out of my hell.

I'm going to wash that gal right out of my hell.

Hello, Skipper. You look flushed.

Something's up, isn't it?

They've got bathtub, Jim.

Poor bathtub.

How did it happen?

The oldest trick in the game.

The exploding bidet, eh?

An old hand like Jim.

Shut up, they asked for it, some of them.

I see.

Did you? Well, those... Those bidets are a menace. In Bolivia, some swine filled

mine with piranha fish.

What happened?

Cut short my visit.

Did they get their hands on old Jimbo's ball cock?

I don't know.

If they get their hands on that, it means 20 years' work down the drain.

What an ingenious idea.

Transmitting ball cock in every bathroom in the Kremlin. We could monitor their

every movement.

Look at that. Where's that? There, read that.

Instant curry. Is it a flash in the pan?

By Marjorie Poops, I think.

There, there. Oh, the personal column.

Lady with mallet wishes to meet gentleman with bow legs.

Objects croquet.

Communist with knife and fork wishes to meet capitalist with spanked kidney

pudding.

Try the next one.

I love it. Nina.

That's it. Don't you understand?

I love it. I love it.

So do I, but I don't go on about it.

I love it. I love it.

You've been eating meat again, haven't you?

I love it.

Backwards.

Well, I love it. Backwards.

I love it.

Tivoli. Tivoli.

That's it. Don't you see?

Nina must have made it to the Tivoli bar.

If anyone can get their hands on old Jim Bear's ball cock, it's Nina.

You'd better get over there right away.

Right -o, Skipper. By the way, where is this Tivoli bar?

Istanbul.

Istanbul?

Here are your instructions.

As always, read them.

Right. Then memorize them.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconut.

What a funny little animal is the flea.

You cannot tell a he from a she.

But he can.

And so can she.

Whoopee.

There was a little man.

He had a little gun.

And his bullet.

And he shot a little duck in the parson's nose.

And it went straight through to the vicarage.

The boy stood on the burning duck.

The flames rolled past his legs.

Nobody has a meal he won't eat smoked eel.

And he can't stand hard -boiled eggs.

There may be people here from the Eastern Bloc. Balkans. It's true, I tell

Everywhere. Tell me, where are you stationed?

Spies never tell.

But they can hint.

I must go to work soon.

I cannot put Romania.

I must eat. I am hungry.

my pay packet.

No, you come from pay packet.

anything just now. Ha!

The fool.

Right. No, the fool, Zacho.

You'll never put one over on me, not as long as you've got all in your...

Where's Nina?

Don't shoot.

Nina is...

Turkey. I don't like you saying I went to the Tivoli bar at Istanbul.

Istanbul? You idiot.

I said the Tivoli bar at the Istanbul.

The hotel at Istanbul.