Original subtitles

And has my little angel been a good boy? Oh, yes, very good indeed.

Mummy, mummy, mummy, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm

I was on Thursday. I'm talking about Monday night.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Now, there was just my daughter and me when the hoodlums come in. They took the

jukebox and the money out of the till.

And when I went up through the door, my daughter said, Paul, I hung her to a $50

bill. I said, now, how in the heck did you do that? Well, I was sitting on his

bed, my daughter. Now, I said, if only a dear, sweet mother had been here, we

could have saved the jukebox as well.

But at Benny's place, last night at ten, Big Chief didn't bull -blue in. He had

a plate of beans, and then he blew out again. You're lucky, Donald, at Benny's

place.

Now, I went to feed Pete about getting some meat from the barbecue on Saturday

night. When his English rose with the turned -up nose came in from the caravan

site. Now Pete said to me, say, I pray thee, what might be that fair maiden's

won't? She stuck her bucket on the counter and she said, a pound of fillet.

Pete said, a pound you don't.

But there is, girl, a real world bread. And we like them in blue and we like

them in red. We love them the best when we got them in green. You'll like it

down at that place.

Now six hell's angels come in here one night and started picking on some little

guy. Now they pulled his hair and then they pushed him off his chair. And when

he left, I thought that he was going to cry.

One hound angel said he ain't much of a man to let a gang like us do just what

it likes.

I said he ain't much of a driver because he's just packed his truck over six

brand new motorbikes.

But I'm Danny's place.

We never get tight. You can drink 30 pints and it's still all right. But we

have one fella burst last night. You'll like it down at Danny's place.

Now, I saw Charlie parked outside in his car. I said, now, tell me, where's your

beautiful wife?

I said, that woman of yours, she just radiates happiness. She radiates the

of life.

Now, she radiates wisdom.

She radiates joy when she's speaking.

He said, that's great, but at the moment, mate, my radiator is leaking.

But at the end of the day, she gets pork and beans. The waitresses are all the

beauty queens.

They all walk around in them open -neck jeans.

Come on down to Fanny's. Come and spend your fannies. You like it down at

Fanny's Place.

And welcome to the opening night of Leprechaun Television. And I see by the

clock on the wall that the little hand is on the six and the big hand is on the

two, which means that it's quarter past six. As they say in England, six forty

-five.

So it's time now for the seven o 'clock news.

Shut that door!

Introduce tonight. Shut that door!

Is that a bracelet?

In the main square of Highley today, police fired warning shots over the

of rioting nuns, killing 17 people in the surrounding Highroyds' flats.

London and Tim O'Dooley found last week Captain Dennis Healey as the stupid

great twit outside number 11 Downing Street, was today given three months for

being drunk and disorderly, and three years for contravening the Official

Secrets Act.

the country's most polluted river, today caught fire.

Sadly, there was nothing to put it out with.

Local firemen improvised.

Today was the coldest day for this fan of a year since records began. In

the O 'Connell Flasher was seen describing himself to several ladies.

But we are due for a change, and next week it'll be muggy.

followed by Kewkie, Weggie and Birdie.

The English Prime Minister, seen here with members of his cabinet, today held

emergency meeting to discuss the committee's findings on the... Oh,

Are sheepdogs becoming obsolete?

Sussex farmer Arnold Flann...

The end of the news. I'm sorry.

Oil.

Coffee.

Blackcurrant juice.

We wash one in a high -price detergent, the other in Fairdale Bend.

The result?

Not a heap of the difference.

Ah, no, I don't smoke.

But here, try one of these.

Oh, that bolo, the mint with the hole in the middle, yes? I'd like to try one of

them, yes.

What the hell is that?

My cold blaster.

I've been looking for a cold blaster.

Sure, and we all get cold this weather, don't we, eh?

Symptoms in the head, but mostly here in the nose.

You get the chopped lips here, the sore throat, but when the nose gets stuck

up...

Opportunity matters.

Thank you. Thank you tremendously, folks. And I really mean that most

Pardon me, little frog in the throat. Now, here is the lovely Angela with our

guests for this evening. And tell me, Angela, who have you brought along this

evening? Freda Unction from Cork. Well, Freda Unction from Cork, will you sit

down? And thank you very much, Angela, for bringing her along.

Who have you brought along this evening?

The singing dentist, Phil McCafferty.

The singing dentist from the Calvary. You put one over on me there, didn't

Oh, well, we want to hear him.

I love the dear silver that shines in your hair.

And the brown that's all furrowed and lingered with care.

A kiss of your finger, so tall, one for me.

God bless you and keep you.

And now for my next number, I'd like to give you the help of Donegal. It's very

popular.

Give me a hand with it. Give me a hand with it. Quick, quick, quick. Is he

serious? No, I don't think there's anything broken. I'm not sure. It's only

scratch. Are you sure it's only a scratch? But whether it's a scratch or

we'll have to repaint it. I know we'll have to repaint it.

It's always repainted.

At 8 o 'clock, there's a real treat for all sporty lovers.

Thank you.

Two cows and a goat, but they don't count.

And football referee Sean Lamb was yesterday reprimanded by nothing at all.

Reprimanded by the FA.

For his handling of Saturday's cook toy.

What?

You want to go for a what?

Yeah, all right then, yeah.

Would you bring me back one?

Mine fell out just now.

That's me and the wife taking a black thing last year.

Have you got any pictures of the wife in the nude?

Of course I have not.

Do you want to buy some?

Oh, you have got some.

We're going to talk tonight. Our rolling reporter, Nathan Whitehurst, talks to

the king of the squealers, the man with 200.

With 20 ,000 pounds on his head.

Are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are out to kill you will

find out who you are?

Oh, indeed I am.

I live in terror of being discovered.

Absolute terror.

If my identity became revealed, I'd be marked, ma 'am.

I, uh, I think you're sitting in my chair.

Tell me, are you not afraid that one day these gangsters who are at... Can

we go again?

Eight o 'clock and it's time for Masterbrain.

You have chosen to answer questions on general knowledge. Is that right?

That.

What is celery?

High -class wedges.

Anemic rhubarb.

What is bologna?

Sausage.

Baloney is where you find the hem of a nice girl's skirt.

What do you call Russian napkins?

Soviet.

Why do cows wear bells round their necks?

Because their horns don't work.

Well done.

And you will be.

What does it mean when your palm itches?

The litters are coming.

And when you itch all over?

They've arrived.

Oh, Duffy fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey. None was

spilled. Why was that?

He kept his mouth shut.

What is higher purchase?

Higher purchase... Higher purchase is feathering your nest... With a little

darn. A little darn.

Higher perches are what brave budgies stand on.

What is a bachelor?

A man who hasn't thought seriously about getting married.

A man who has thought seriously about getting married.

What is an asset?

A little donkey.

little donkey's bed.

A pathologist.

A man who can find his way through a wood.

Unabridged. A river you have to wade across.

What is it that a man does standing up?

A woman does sitting down.

And a dog does with one leg raised.

Pass.

Pass what?

I don't know the answer.

The answer is shake hands.

I am 19 years old. I have a lovely, soft -speaking voice.

A gorgeous figure, a passionate disposition, soft red lips, eyes like

liquid, I own a pub and I don't drink. Who am I?

Who cares?

to make me have some. Well, I did. I did.

They told us when we got to Rome, it'd be like home from home. The way they

treat us Britons is a crime.

They done in old Charlie Clinger. The chariot wheel went over his finger.

Might he was scratching his backside at the time.

Do you know they feed us pickled pork?

tough enough to break your fork.

They serve you up your gravy by the slice.

I tell you, it's either overcooked or raw.

I think it's their religious law. It's either a burnt offering or a bloody

sacrifice.

We sleep 18 to a cell and you ought to cop the smell.

But you know what the one thing is that I think about that gets me through the

night? My wife left Bristol.

And gone to live... in York.

So at least her and the kids will be alright.

Every week I take some of the Santa Vines and they chuck us to the lines. My

mate Albert, he killed one lion after he provoked it. He trod on its tail and

this lion let's out a wail and bit off Albert's head and that's what choked it.

It's a bit like football in a way because they play it every Saturday.

They throw the lion's virgins without a stitch.

I don't know, make them lions roar.

And do you know what the score? You never get spectators on the pitch.

Once Cleopatra came past, clasping her little ass.

I couldn't help wondering how those red lips of hers tasted.

Then Harold starts to snigger. He says, she's got an hourglass figure.

I says, I am not a minute of it wasted.

She says, slave, you come with me. I sure want you to see that my skin is

as soft and smooth as silk.

She puts money in my hand. She says, take these 200 cans and get 200 cans of

pure goat's milk. Well, I nearly had a fit. She had a bath in it.

And she says, clean out the bath like you've been taught.

Well, I drank it back into the cans.

And I sold it round the town.

And what's more, I sold two more cans than I bought.

She says, tonight we'll have an orgy.

Now, I always thought it was orgy, but she says, no, love, an orgy is when

there's four, an orgy is when there's three.

Because the third one says, orgy, there's no one here for me, and goes out

door.

She says, help me prepare, and she lets me brush her hair. Well, she's got a

dress on, well, at least she's laughing.

She says, give me my giggle garters.

I said, why are they called giggle garters? She says, because once you get

them, old son, you're laughing.

Then she grabs hold of my thighs.

And she looks into my eyes and says, for your wildest desires, I'd gladly cater.

There's me, only Cleopatra's charmed in my two trembling arms.

So I... Blast, here come them lions. I'll tell you later.

Limp.

Oh, here's the dirt off Little Hampton.

Here are some of those naughty bits.

And they grew up in ways

that we'd never seen before.

Super nature.

Super nature.

Super nature.

Super nature.

Super nature.

Melech.

Thames Drama School pupils are not permitted to paraphrase. And by that I

if the script says he was bent on seeing her, then you must say he was bent on

seeing her and not the sight of her doubled him up.

And you have to keep the script. And with this in mind, the passing out piece

this poem by Walter Winchell and it's called Faith, Hope and Charity.

And it has to be read as it was typed 20 years ago.

and a very old typewriter on which the letter H was missing.

Here, then, is Fate, Ope and Carity by Whatta

Winkle.

Professor of Czechoslovakian philosophy and maths.

Next door to a sop that sells fish and kips in Aro O 'Neill.

Lived Philip, a pissy old therapist.

His cums all caught in pills.

He was very muck in love with a girl called June.

He pwned her whenever he could.

He sent her a cock -a -lip box.

Cock -a -blop with cock -a -lip.

He didn't do any good.

He picked her favourite flowers, then gave them to her in a bunk.

He tried to sin up her drainpipe.

So she invited him in for a lunk.

He offered him kicking sand wickers and a carcass -drilled lamb cop.

He just kept smoking and queuing his queuing gun.

She thought he'd never stop.

She said, I can't enjoy our little cat with your ass all over the floor.

Why don't you put your ass in the ashtray?

That's what the damn thing's for.

He said, marry me or live with me.

I really don't care, Wick.

She said, I'll give you my boot, you uncute ute.

Get out. Don't come back till you're Rick.

Then along came Phoebe.

wearing a king -killer fur coat that almost rigged to the ground.

The couple met in a laundrette while he was watching his wazzing go round.

He said, I'm no soapier, Lauren.

I know that my fate's not so hot. I may be old in a toot.

My teat may be false.

But I could give you a suck a lot.

peasant.

You drink killed campaigns as you lay on some sun -drinked beak.

I may be 63, but I've the skin of a pig.

He said, yeah, 63 -year -old pig.

He said, so me a little charity.

You shall have my last farting.

Of that I give you my word.

They were married next day, a farragut way.

Thursday. Mark Latour.

When I banged on the door of his fine -oaming kickster, I got such a nasty

I heard him mutter, oh, sit.

To his dog, who was running amok.

He had a happy life, full of good care, and a lady Tatty could adore.

He said a May -December marriage worked fine for him, but then June at the house

next door.

I give you the toast.

Denty everywhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to welcome to the show the lovely

Okay, let's go, blue eyes.

I see a man in a white tuxedo

sitting at the bar.

He's got a crooked smile.

Dance, Sam.

Okay, sweetheart.

Do you want to dance?

But he gives me a red carnation And that crooked smile

Should I take a jab?

Play it again, Sam.

Of all the bars in all the towns in all the world, you had to pick on mine.

Why don't you do the same?

Dad, there's a lady at the door asking for you. I think she wants to flog

something. Oh, dear.

Yeah, well...

week's episode, Wonder Grand meets Dracula.

to bathe.

Always comes that lot again. See you soon.

um