Original subtitles

It's the Benny Hill Show with a host of your favorite stars like Tony Hatch

and Jackie Trent. Uh, Jackie Trent and Tony Hatch.

If that's true, then isn't it odd that diamonds are a girl's best friend but a

man's best friend is his dog?

The day that nears my heart is the day that we women all burnt abroad.

And that was a flop for a start.

Man and woman, woman and man, they've been at each other's throats

since the world began.

And his new male model.

And he's in a picture full of drama.

Defeat of Napoleon.

Here is Philip in lighter mood as he brings you The Policeman's Ball.

The Fatular Pooler.

The Shalini Brothers.

There were ten green bottles hanging on the wall.

Ten green bottles hanging on the wall. And if one green bottle should

accidentally fall,

there'd be...

And here he is, the man himself, Bernie Hill!

Now, coconut's good for eating.

Rabbit soup is good for lunch.

Swimming is good for my finger.

Have you never had a look at a duck? If you want to save money on a highland,

and cut down on your petrol bill.

You must be given tiny wheels to the front of your car and you'll always be

going downhill.

Now,

my wife has had 17 husbands, including four of her own. Last

week was our anniversary, so just before I left home, I wrote her a check for 1

,000 cases.

Just this daylight was dawning. I got back that 90 cent you think was just

because the milkman cashed it this morning.

Coconut milk, coconut butter, coconut milk.

Now my wife is watching a million.

Now how often have you heard that saying?

But my wife's not one in a million. She looks like she's one in a raffling

stead. She knows so fast, I take her from me, see, that she will run ten

every day.

And if she's out soon, by the end of next June, she'll be four hundred miles

away. Then I will drink coconut milk.

Coconut butter is a good idea.

When you keep it in the middle and forget it as well, you dance to the

the coconut milk.

computer is going to pit its skill against the brain of a man.

But no ordinary man.

This man has been called Super Head, Mark the Brain, Wonder Mind.

He has been trained and finely tuned to absolute perfection by his mentor, Mr.

Fred Scuttle.

I had no idea who he was on, sir.

I'm Mr. Scott. Dr.

Scott, if you don't mind, sir.

It says so on the door.

Actually, it says, Nurse's Sleeping Quarter.

I have the run of the place, sir. They don't tie me down.

Unless it's a full moon.

You exercise your prerogatives.

If it's slack.

Tell us, sir, about your protege, your disciple.

His name is Arnold, and I must warn you, sir, that he comes...

a broken home.

I mean, the fact that he's the one who broke it is neither here nor there.

I don't think I did.

Oh, don't you start like that. Stand over there.

You tell me to stand here.

Never mind where I told you to stand. Stand where I told you.

He doesn't look very bright.

Not bright.

Let's meet this genius.

He wasn't a genius when I met him, sir. When I met him, he just had 15 jobs in

four months, sir.

Yeah, and he'd been at the Chinese takeaway, the Irish giveaway.

At the Garden of Remembrance, he forgot to open the gates.

At the monastery, Father Rafferty asked him what he knew about Damascus.

He said it kills 99 % of all our girls.

Can I be sued for bleaching the priest?

He has been bad, sir. You might not realise it, sir, but he, six months ago,

a heart transplant.

Only the donor was a woman.

And now he's fallen in love with his self.

And he doesn't fancy him.

Anyway, he was so ill recently so that he tried to commit suicide by taking 500

aspirins. What happened?

Well, after he took the first two, he felt better.

He's all right now, sir. He's all right, yes.

He's able to stand on his own. Is he?

Oh.

Just, sir. Only just.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'll tell you something, sir. You might not realise this, sir. Because I use a

lot of what they call hypnotism, you see.

And under hypnotism, you see, if I put him out... He can answer questions

I've asked them. Hang on, hang on. I'll put him on.

Deep sleep, deep sleep.

Empty your mind, empty your mind.

There's a dustbin.

Deep sleep. You're getting tired. You're getting more and more tired. You're

getting sleepy.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Deep sleep.

Not you!

When I click my fingers, you will be Wonderbrain! Right, off you go!

Hawaii Five -O!

Hawaii Five -O.

What was the question?

and also in men's trials.

The year is 1880.

The place, the country, is 1880.

Hello?

Didn't exchange?

Oh, hello, Vicar.

Yeah, here, here, Vicar. I got my umbrella back, by the way. Yeah.

Like you said, if I come to church, you will go through the Ten Commandments,

and when you come to, they shall not steal.

I used to look around and see if I see anybody looking guilty.

Well, I got it back, yeah.

No, Vicar, it was when you said, thou shalt not commit adultery, I remember

where I left it.

Godfrey, is Lady Cruncher about?

Ah, all right.

Here, Godfrey, good night last night, wasn't it, eh?

I was on the asky -spoo -manty till I couldn't say it, and then I went on the

beer.

I must say, Godfrey, I very much admired her ladyship's gold -plated toilet.

That was very nice, that.

She don't have a gold -plated toilet, but she has got a spare room where his

lordship keeps his euphonium.

The old devil.

No you didn't!

Hang on, I'll try and get a cup.

Mother!

I haven't got the cup here yet, Mother. Right, just have a drop of tea now,

then. Well, let's have some tea then, Mother, for God's sake.

Oh, that's enough, Mother.

You forgot the milk, Mother.

Thank you, Piper Day. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Yes, Mr. Dunn? Didn't exchange it. You what?

You what?

You're getting flooded out.

You see that? Well, I'm sorry, the pump plumber ain't on the tube.

Well, you have to just stand on the metal piece and open the windows.

Hang on.

Waste not, want not.

She would like to be coupled with you.

And she would like to know if you would play for the blow.

Will you do that? Thank you kindly. Ready when you are.

Just right, thank you.

I'm coupling you up now.

Yes,

Mr. Hardcastle. Hang on, hang on, Mr.

Hardcastle.

Dr. Rockner, I've got Mr. Hardcastle for you. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Doctor, by the way, I should like to say...

Thank you very much for them brilliantly pills you give me when I come round to

your house afterwards.

And I'd also like to apologise for that little incident in your waiting room.

With your wife.

Oh, is she better?

Oh, that is better.

I'll couple you up with Sir Hardcastle right now.

Good.

Dan Kingston.

the other people.

God bless their soul.

Doctor,

could you send him over a sleeping pill? He misled the last one.

Thank you, Doctor.

That's lovely. Right.

Stand by, Mr.

Adcastle. I'm going to blow it over. Open your mouth wide.

Wider.

That's lovely.

I'll go right down and won't touch the side. Here we go.

Got it?

What do you mean, yes and no?

It's in your ear.

This might mean a knighthood.

Hi, I'm here. Oh, hello, Your Royal Highness. Yes, Prince Albert. Yes, I'm

On the throne, is she, right?

As soon as she's off, she'll come to the throne, right? You're coming now? Yes,

yes. I'm ready. I'm ready, Prince Albert, sir. Yes, I am. Right.

Happy birthday to you.

If you were the mini -budget, well, of course, we're interested in our mini

-holidays. And you can go walking and dorking, shooting and tooting, sailing

hailing, and karting and flying.

Here are a couple of items for those of you with a little more to spend on

shopping.

We only have Toulouse.

And why Waldorf? They are both Waldorf.

First we could see the delivery.

Si, senor. Is 300 pesetas all included?

Is that with the VAT?

Si, but not with the TIP.

If it's nice, you can have it. You can have from Spain. You can have gazpacho

soup. Very nice.

from Francia, from Paris. There is asparagus, asparagus, asparagus onion

In England, brown winter soup. Very nice, huh?

Where's the coccoletti? First on the right and the corner.

You know, I do all cook myself.

Oh, single -handed.

No, I use both hands.

Sometimes I make little sausages for English people. Oh, you use your own

fingers? No, I use sausages.

We do, but she is upstairs. She is with the patron, you know, dancing lesson.

During the bossa nova?

During the bossa favor, I think.

I never go up there. It makes a very busy day for you. Si, senorita. Si, what

say in Spain is, I get up with chickens.

I bet you go to bed with the cows.

No, I go to bed with the wife, senor.

The paella is very nice, very nice.

The beef for the paella comes from Manolo Uncle Farm.

He has 17 lady scouts and two men scouts.

Bullocks, it's true.

And, you know, only this morning, only this morning,

Manolo have buy me goose.

No, no, no.

Manolo Portuguese.

No, Manolo Español.

Manolo is not Portuguese. No, it's Español. Could you tell me the name of a

wine? Something that'll make me feel romantic.

Sí, señorita. Valda Peña. It's the most expensive wine in all of Spain. The

ladies like it.

You are passionate, sir.

I beg your pardon? She's passionate.

You're passionate. It's on page one. You keep passionate.

In Spain, the ladies are no orderly wine. The men orderly wine in Spain. She

a perfect right. She has a perfect left.

But...

It's chicken soup.

No mushroom.

Why did he make a noise like a chicken? He can't do a mushroom.

I beg

your pardon?

I see you bathed alone, eh?

You've been bathed!

In the golf course.

He's boiling over.

Uh, uh, senor.

Uh, hello there.

Uh, Peter Charlton.

Inada.

Could you, could you turn it up, please?

Oh, turn it up. Could you turn the salt pan out on the table, please?

From the fruit of the sea, here we have a very beautiful crab.

Oh,

it's not fresh.

No, no, it's fresh.

It's so fresh. Today, it crawled out of the sea, across the road, onto my stall.

I think maybe he's throwing something on the way.

ill -run, run -down, disgusting eating place I've ever been to. And you're the

most inept, incompetent, cumbersome, boorish waiter I've ever encountered.

It is too late to apologize!

No! You know the trouble with the English?

They are such messy eaters, look at them.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome the lovely Felicity Burski.

I know you must go, but don't look at the clock.

Don't hear the tick -tock.

Come close.

I want this moment to linger.

I want the time to stand still.

Don't let the clock move a finger.

Not while your arms are so thrilling.

The clock can't know what I'm feeling.

These precious moments we're stealing.

Locked up for fools who take time out for who.

Let's take the time to make love.

Why can't we go on pretending?

Let's say the clock isn't here I

can't imagine pretending Not while your

lips are so near

For the rest of the night Let's take the time to

make love Dawn will be here And then you'll

disappear Please make the time to make love

You know what, I was thinking, if when we leave here, off of a meal, you know,

if we go back to my place, I hope we might have a little bit of fun.

How dare you!

If you think I'm the sort of girl that can be bought with a meal and a few

drinks, you're very much mistaken.

I'm sorry.

Waiter!

Separate checks, please.

Yes, yes, yes.

Waiter, garçon.

Look,

in Madame's soup, there's a fly.

A fly.

In the soup.

La mouche.

La mouche. No, no, no, monsieur, s 'il vous plaît.

La mouche. It is feminine.

I say, you've got damn good eyes.

What is it, Harry?

Look, a man shouldn't keep things from his wife.

Something's bothering you, isn't it?

You see, my wife doesn't understand me.

Mine don't either.

Good morning.

How about stains?

Don't worry about stains, madam.

The easy clean will soon get rid of them. You watch.

the couple looked down at their newborn child in their shack that was falling to

bed. The mother said, let's call him Johnny. And the father said, let's call

Chris. And when Johnny was four, his father was too poor to buy toys from the

Christmas shop shelf.

So he just fired his gun and he told his young son, by the Christmas I'd shot

himself.

Now one day his ma took him to a fair and he went on a roundabout.

Now he giggled with glee, then I want to go away.

Everyone heard the boy shout.

She took him by the hand from the fairground they ran, and she took him

big tree.

She said, there, shut your mouth. You can go wee now. He took a deep breath,

he went, wee.

And then he said, please, can I go around again more?

Please, can I go around again?

Now, I love the sound of the merry go around more. Please let me go around

again.

I'll do all of my homework, and I'll even kiss old Annie Gwen.

And I won't shout out loud, and I'll make you proud of me.

At 12, he danced with his genus.

She said, Johnny, you're wicked and you're bad.

I wish I was your mom for just half an hour. John said, I'll have a word with

dad. Then someone dropped a lit cigarette down the back of her dress,

didn't shout.

She just walked up the floor and she said, what a bore. I should just have to

sit that one out.

Johnny said, then can we go around again, Miss Rose?

Please, can we go around again?

I've not been this close to a woman before, and heck knows when I will

I'll tell you the truth, I could dance with you till the cows come home and

then. I could dance with the cows, so please, Miss Rose, please let me go

again.

Now at 18, Irene, with the hourglass figure, got him and a heck of a mix.

Her pa came round and Johnny was round with his hands on the quarter to six.

They were married next day at the church by the bay, 10 a .m. 15th of June.

She looked lovely and white and she said, Johnny, tonight, he said, Edward,

tonight it's afternoon.

And we can go round.

¶¶

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

©

BF -WATCH TV 2021

Can I go around again?

Please, can I go around again?

Why, I can't believe that I'll never see your sky or your trees again.

Oh, the girls and the wine and the living was fine, and I shouldn't

But then, you give damn short rides on this fairground of yours. Lord, oh,

please let me go around again.

gentlemen, thank you so much for being with us, and we'll look forward to

you all again very soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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