Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Oh, marry the life with the beautiful wife. He's many a man, proud boast.

But I say, why burn the house down?

Just because you fancy toad.

When Jake's son was born, his wife said, I must warn you, he'll learn manners

from me, not from you.

Here's the mummy, dear, I want to whisper.

not I'm breaking my neck for the loo one night a young cop climbed out of his

cot he said I want to whisper daddy dear and poor tired Jade who was hardly

awake said well whisper in daddy's ear oh married life with a kid and a wife

everywhere you look and there's a nappy

Why make one woman miserable when you can name so many so happy?

Marie said for a mink she wouldn't do anything, so I took her to the forest on

the day.

The man said, I'll need two days to clear your check. Oh, you cannot take

first oath away.

I went back on Monday. He said, it's not funny. The check of yours is worthless,

my friend.

You've been wasting my time as if yours were not mine because I've had a

smashing weekend.

Oh, Marie, I... with a possessive wife makes you feel like a fish on a hook.

And when you can't join a library, why should you buy a book?

Now, one day I fell and I married Nell. I've learned a lot about marriage since

then. If you want to keep her happy, you must buy her a mirror. She'll look in

it again and again.

And if she's beautiful, she'll think how lucky you are to have such a beautiful

wife. But if she's ugly, she'll think how lucky you are to have such a

wife. Oh, I think she'll know there's two happy years of married life I have

had.

And all my married friends tell me that two out of 22 isn't bad.

Let's see what impression London has made on our visitors from across the

Channel. The Carpenter brothers, Tennon and Morty.

God bless you all. What was the first thing you bought when you arrived here?

A toupee.

You hardly needed one.

I did. I was starving.

You were starving.

So you bought two pails? Hey, two pails. A pail for me and a pail for him.

Two pails. Right, wash your ears.

We were having a coffee, didn't we? And these two waitresses come over.

One of them had a lovely pair.

Well, they both did. They both did. He wanted a rape one.

He wanted a rape one. He wanted to... He wanted a rape one.

I didn't want a rape one.

He wanted a rape one. He had a rape one. And I had the unrape one.

He had the right pair.

Right, yeah. I was expecting Russell Hardy or Michael Carson. I had a beer.

What do you think of English beer?

Oh, it's pure ale.

You like it?

The dog is pure ale.

Pure ale? Yeah.

He had a drink there. He gave his drink to the dog. Well, it was lame.

The dog was lame? The drink was lame.

Have you never heard of lager and lame?

But most... You see, mostly lame.

He was still there. I thought you'd gone home. No, but here all the time.

I had to pay full fare for him coming over.

I tell you, after that, all that drinking, he wanted to pee.

He wanted to... He wanted to pee, but he couldn't.

Why not?

He had no money. You can't pee without money.

He couldn't pay. Right, yeah.

He even took this fellow's seat.

To drink?

To wash with, have a rinse, and the gents.

Why, he borrowed a man's soap. Right. To have a thrill. Right. A Catholic.

He might have been a Protestant. I never asked.

What is the purpose of this visit? Well, he's hoping to go to Winchester.

He wants to enter the monastery.

Oh, the monastery of St. Luke? No, the monastery of agriculture.

The ministry of agriculture. Right, you're getting it. You're getting it.

getting fruity eventually.

You see, he has to behave.

At the ministry?

No, in the garden.

Well, why have you got to behave in the garden?

You wouldn't put a behave indoors, would you?

No, with all them bees, they're in the garden. Oh, gee, hi.

Right, you got it there, yeah.

I tell you, Steve, he studies them.

And by correlating the wingspan with the body weight, he has proved that it is

mathematically impossible for a bee to fly.

But the bee doesn't know that.

So the poor critter keeps on flying.

And what sort of work are you after? I'd like his uncle's job.

Ah, he's a driving tester.

Sometimes he tests young women.

Aye, and sometimes he feels them.

He feels them? Yeah, well, they're sitting next to him, you know, and if

slip out of their gear, he has a feeling, doesn't he?

Ah, or they give wrong hand signals.

Oh, he feels them? Right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

Have you found Londoners hospitable?

Oh, yes. Peter's nice.

Leicester Square.

Leicester? Leicester Square. We met Peter in Leicester Square.

And it didn't seem to be a place of work.

Aye, aye. We've seen him getting the mail ready.

Oh, he's a postman. A chef.

Getting the mail ready. You got it. Right, right, right.

Then we've seen the place.

What place?

The Metropolitan Palace.

You see, they had noticed him.

Cutting off his mate.

Why did he cut up his mate? To put it into the pot.

Mate? Right, yeah, yeah.

And this officer come and he said, Irish stew.

Irish stew in the pot? Irish stew in the name of the law.

Why was he arresting him?

Well, you see, they had found his bacon hot in the pot.

His bacon hot?

His bacon hot. The hot he wears when he goes bacon on his back.

He found his cycling hat in the... In the port.

High port? High port.

High port.

In the boat in the lake.

Ah. The leaking boot. Not the leaking boot. The boat in the lake.

Through the floating lake. Right. You see, they had seen the wetness. The

wetness of the hat. Now the wetness of the prosecution.

Where was he when brains was given out?

Get in the sack and hunt for the mouth.

Look, mister, you see, you see, the farmer had left his children, it wasn't

farmer, the gardener left his children at wheelbarrow.

No,

you see, the thing is, and they said that Peter's wife had taken a

A speedometer on a wheelbarrow?

Not a speedometer, the speedometer.

Oh, a spade, home with us. Right.

Open the gates, I'll send him up in a minute.

And she was charged by the police in the belly.

In the belly? In the belly, yeah. In the old belly.

Oh, the old belly. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happened?

She was nine months in jail, suspended for two years.

Due to extenuate... Due to extenuate...

It's being written off, isn't it? That's what I'm going to say.

Yes, yes.

Did she understand the sentence?

Only some prisoners find it hard to understand the judge's sentences.

Not half as hard as we find it trying to understand your sentences.

Are you going to explore further into England?

No, we're going home.

Oh, why?

Because it's the only place they speak bloody English.

Come on, William. Come on. Right. Well done.

From Sydney, Australia, comes Tigger Blue.

Tigger Blue.

Tigger Blue.

You don't say you're the most famous one in the world, right? Take a look.

This week's episode, The Case of the Missing Microfilm.

I can't do it

honey there.

I want my honey pot here in bed.

Ah, that's a sweet little hand.

Come to bed, please. Oh, please, yes, sir.

Oh,

you've got here at last. Well, go on, play it.

Me, selfish.

Sauce!

Bloody sauce!

You're selfish.

Selfish!

Darling,

what are you on about?

Five years I've been married, five years, and not once has Angela called me

selfish, you bitch!

George, please, part of honor domestique.

Yours is mine!

You pig!

You filthy pig!

I bet I'm not the only one.

You know what they say, don't you?

If one's not enough, a thousand's not too many.

You pig!

Of course you're damn well right.

I'm going down for some cigarettes.

a red pencil book.

The teacher is writing it up on the blackboard.

Yes, I would like a second help in.

So! Charles!

You're going to Mother's for the weekend, eh?

Plot, plot. Oh, Charles, please, I don't understand.

Couldn't you do better than that? I mean, what can he give you that I can't,

What?

I have a red pencil book.

Now, have you been making love to my wife? Yes, I would like a second help

Oh, mademoiselle. Oh, no, no.

Why? What have you done to her? Take that!

Stop it, Mallory! Stop it!

I tell you, Laurie's a very rich.

You come up to town for a conference, and I find you with this woman. Oh,

George, you have to... It isn't my room. I was just passing, and I saw this

swine beating his wife.

So, naturally, I... You ought to be ashamed.

Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

I have a lovely bunch of coconut.

Excuse me. Is he your husband?

Yes, yes, yes. He's just a little jealous.

Oh, come on.

Oh, mademoiselle.

Oh,

mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle, shut that door.

Janine.

of studios of Thames Television, where for every artist appearing in front of

the camera, there are four highly skilled technicians working to keep him

In this hive of industry, they're working round the clock, night and day,

-stop. So I hope they won't be too cross with me if I interrupt this frantic

activity to speak with the man who's been in charge of them since the studios

came into being, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

You must have worked on an awful lot of programs. I've worked on a lot of awful

programs.

Well, you had them all here, you know. All the stars have been here. Oh, we've

had... Give me the blue light.

Give me...

Magnus Pike and I'll tell you what's with that with her ladies and gentlemen

want to tell you a little story we have we've had her Dorothy Squires yes

the Harvard

Oh, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, sir, no. Prime Minister's never been here.

How about Max Bygrave?

Oh, how about Max Bygrave?

Oh, I've got your Max Bygrave, sir. And Anthony Bygrave, yeah. I went with the

father and the son.

I'm just waiting for the only ghost now.

Who is your favourite comedian?

Oh, without a doubt, sir, Mike Spilligan.

Spike Milligan, sir.

I've had me nose fixed and now me mouth won't work.

Good job it wasn't Marty Feldman, isn't it?

Who decides what you watch in your house?

My wife's mother, ugly enough.

I tell you, when Bernard Manning's on, I can't get her away from the set. She

sits in front, she won't budge. She keeps thinking someone's going to switch

on.

And who would be your favourite actor?

I would say... Sir, Edward Woodward.

Edward Woodward. Don't put one too many, sir.

I know how to say it. I just don't know when to stop, you see.

Oh, he's marvellous. He's very professional, you know, sir. Of course,

a funny little way, you know.

He's got little peccadilloes.

I've never dressed him, sir.

But he's very professional, sir. I'll tell you how professional he is. The

day, he was doing a play live.

And he had to clean his teeth, sir. And some idiot put down a cube of glue

instead of toothpaste, sir. He carried on as if nothing had gone wrong at all.

He wasn't upset afterwards?

No, he hardly ever mentions it.

Come to think of it, I don't think he's spoken since.

But you see, little things do go wrong. Only last week, one of the wardrobe

ladies was measuring Larry Grayson's inside leg and forgot she had a fag in

hand.

He wouldn't have minded, only he was wearing a kilt at the time.

And it seems this is foreign.

I don't see many young men round here. They're all out doing the location, sir.

They're doing our documentary on the North Sea oil.

They're up to the North Sea in their armpits, sir.

They are, sir, yes.

Hanging on to their earphones with one hand and playing out their cables with

the other.

And they get no extra money for that, you know, sir.

Their increments have been frozen? One of them dropped off, sir.

I expect they have their teeth in trouble.

Oh, they do, sir, yes. Especially when the sand gets in their grove.

I suppose you might say when the sand which is there gets in their sandwiches

there.

You might say that, sir.

Especially if you wanted one of them lumps to come down on your head.

I tell them, sir, if they get any sand in it, swill it in the sea like that,

sir. Just swill it in the water out there, sir, yes. I'll be liable to catch

something? No.

Crabs, perhaps.

Not fish. A fish couldn't live in all that oil, you see.

Well, sardines, perhaps, but not other things.

But what I always say to my lads is that a television company is only strong as

its weakest link.

And that is a function that they fulfil to perfection, sir.

I always remember what Huey Green told me, sir.

He said, always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Well, you see, sir, I would never knowingly tell a lie unless it was

convenient.

These are the props for... Yes, for the London night out, sir. Those two there,

they belong to the strongman, Captain Marvel, you see. He must have an awful

to put in his trunks.

Oh, yes, he has.

That's full of cement, sir. The cement, he breaks them with his head, sir, like

that. Bang, bang goes for that, sir. Oh, what's in the other one?

Aspirins. It gives him a headache.

That stool there belongs to Rush Convoy.

It's very high, sir, because he plays the piano with his feet.

What does he do with his hands? Sticks them over his ears. He can't stand the

noise.

What's that?

That is our new young apprentice, Arnold, sir.

What's that funny thing on his shoulders? That's his head.

I've not seen biceps like that since Bonnie Langford stopped wearing short

sleeves.

Do you smoke?

Yes. Thought you did the way you was puffing then.

I say, are them fellas ready yet?

Well, pour them on then.

You'll like these. They're marvellous. They're called the Cotton Mill Boys.

This is the musical story.

of a train that ran through America between Michigan and Arkansas.

And it was called the Orange Button Special.

platform two.

More like firemen.

We're going downhill about 90 miles an hour.

Vastly through open countryside.

Green fields and meadows.

Lots of trees.

Bushes.

And little birds.

Many little birds.

Charlie the bird watcher.

Go without the hitchcock.

He sees them all except the carrier pigeon just overhead.

Carrying... I was going to say carrying his message. He just dropped it.

Barber!

Blow your horn.

There lived a widow called Maria.

She was very beautiful.

And she was very rich.

She had two children.

One was Benito, the butcher.

The other one was Henri, the tailor.

Well, one day, they both decided to pay her a visit. And as they arrived at the

bronzer...

They would both pretend to kill each other, and the one she ran to first

be the one she would marry. Henri agreed.

Maria came running into the room. Mon Dieu, she cried, both of my suitors

Now I can marry the man I really love, Gaston!

And they both lived happily ever after.

And tonight, we'll be visiting the Moscow Film Studios. Well, already this

they've shot four feature films, six documentaries, and eight directors.

And you'll be seeing their answer to Jaws.

It's called Wings, and it's about a giant moth that swallows people whole

spits them out new.

And we'll be looking at how it gets the painters.

Good evening.

I'd like to start this evening with a song in the Gaelic.

And it's called Borussia.

And this tells the story of a young girl who spends all her time in the bog.

And she loves Pete because he talks wiggly and dresses Natalie.

She doesn't love Natalie.

And one night she's walking through the wood and she comes upon a big Irish

wolfhound. And she knows it's an Irish wolfhound because it's walking backwards

and wagging its head.

And the Irish wolfhound is eating a great big bone and chewing on it all the

time. And she says, would you come with me?

And help me find Pete.

And this wolfhound doesn't take any notice. It just goes on chewing its

And then she says, if you come with me, maybe we'll find a lady dog for you.

And with that, this big wolfhound gets up and walks towards her. And its back

leg drops off.

And it's called Groucho.

Groucho, Groucho, Groucho, Groucho.

Groucho, Groucho, Groucho.

And it's based on the very lovely spinning wheel. Right, lads. Fags out.

go.

I sit here and I think all the days long gone by when we'd ask Ma to

bake us a nice rabbit pie.

She'd say, go out then and catch a rabbit or steal one if you must but get

with a humpback and it'll keep up the crust.

Into Flanagan's bar came a Scot with a kilt. He bumped into O 'Reilly, whose

shandy was built.

The Scot lifted his kilt to mop up the shandy. And Maggie, the barmaid, said,

God, what's that candy?

In the bottom of one day, the young Paddy Blazer was accused of attacking

his wife with a razor. The judge said... What you done Was a terrible sin

We've all to thank heaven That it wasn't plugged in

Now 24 children Hasn't it? This is old

Brian He's doing great But the poor stork is dying

This is a bath that she's got. She gives each child a bath, whether he needs one

or not. It's under one and it saves water, you know.

And the bigger the baby, the deeper he'll go.

But I sit here and I smile as I'm quietly spinning, watching football.

A lot of people ask me, why is it that as I sit here, I am frequently seen

brushing my trouser leg?

And the answer is, because I drink my whiskey diluted with vodka.

Every evening, I see the little fellas climbing up my trouser leg, and what I'm

doing is brushing them off.

And I went to a psychiatrist about it, and I said, I have to keep brushing the

little fellas off. And he said, well, there's three things I want you to do.

is to relax more.

The second thing is to cut down on your drinking. And the third thing is to stop

brushing the little perishes all over me.

I don't know if you know a little Jewish story about a couple of Jews who were

walking down the street.

There were two

Pakistanis walking down the street in gold as green.

And they went into their synagogue.

And one Pakistani turned to the other.

I mean, I've got more brains in my little finger than I have in the rest of

body. See, my truck is done and I'm going.

I'll tell a story about my own race.

Two Irish fellows.

One of them bought a paper shop and it blew away.

The other Irishman went down the road to see the dentist to have a wisdom tooth

put in.

Steve Allen, what kind of a man has two Christian names and no surname?

An agent, that's why.

Are there any Chinese in?

Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.

Now look how many there are.

Right,

I'll tell you a mythical story about a race who don't even exist. I'll tell you

a fairy story.

Now, there were these four fairies. Oh, what if we are, you nasty little... Why

don't you leave us alone?

We're leaving. My God!

Just a little perspective of the film. Hollywood director Arnold P.

Fudpucker. The long list of credits includes one of the very last Sherlock

Holmes films ever made, and it stars, of course, Nigel Bruce and Basil Rathbone.

Sorry, Basil Rathbone.

Bone got stuck in my throat.

Howdy, Sheriff. Deputy Doe here. I was interrogating that moonshiner, and he

just fell down.

And I think maybe he's dead.

Shall I bury him, Sheriff?

Make sure he's dead first.

He's dead now.

Mr. Mayor!

Mr. Mayor!

Godfrey Daniels, my great toaster! The jumble sale! Call me for a line! The

jumble sale! Oh, I remember as a little whippersnapper in Kokomonga.

I acquired the art of transforming gin bottles into lampshades. I don't suppose

any of you ladies got any old gin bottles you don't want.

Do we look like we drink gin?

I got any old vinegar bottles you don't want.

Strong drink is the devil's brew.

You're not related to the devil, are you? Only by marriage, my dear.

My dear sister.

I have never permitted strong liquor to pass my lips.

I dare me to choke myself trying to find another way to swallow that.

Mr. Mayor, do you mind if I put your dog down? I think I can feed a flea. Oh,

well, put her down, then. Yeah, I wouldn't like her to get a flea. We'll

good spaker.

Hey, Sam, could you send over some sandwiches?

Yes. Oh, dear. Only got cheese.

Oh, well, could you cut it with a ham knife?

Give it a little bit of flavor, yeah.

Someone distinguished.

My eldest boy, name escapes me for the minute, he founded the Comstock Farmers

Bank.

He also went to jail for...

Case of mistaken identity, my dear. Out of a population in this town of 8 ,000

people, only 12 people thought he was guilty.

A transvestite of justice, if ever I heard one.

Why, that boy has a purple heart.

I didn't know that.

He doesn't talk about it much.

Guy owns it, still looking for it.

Well, I saw him last week, and he was drinking whiskey.

He had a slight cold, my dear, yes.

The finest medical brain. tell us that whiskey cannot cure the common cold. Nor

can the finest medical brains, dear.

You cut your lip on a saucer drinking tea, did you?

My great -uncle Clarence never drank, never smoked, only chewed toothpicks all

his life.

Died at the age of 45.

How'd he die?

Dutch elm disease.

Well, I've never heard so much nonsense in all my life.

Come, ladies, we're leaving.

Oh, what a shame, what a shame.

Was she weaned on a pickle?

Would you be so kind?

Anyone old Napoleon Brandy?

1925. For one bottle?

This is what the Pope drinks.

No wonder they have to carry him everywhere.

Hog Rider, Marvin Lovesish, celebrates his 30th year in show business.

Gillian Foote talks to him at his Malibu home.

Mr. Loftus, do you remember the first person to take an interest in your

Well, I was a little kid, my dear, but I'll tell you, there was a man who lived

in back of us called Hermann de German.

He heard me playing and he started up a fund to send me to Vienna.

Or Paris.

Or Rome, or anywhere.

You know, every time he heard me play the piano, no matter what it was, it

always sounded to him like Ina Klein and Knockard music.

Which, of course, means a little... Night music. I didn't know that.

Gee, I thought it was sticking on me because I was a little kid, you know,

small.

Puny, I was.

I was a baby and my mother used to count me around in her handbag.

For two years, I thought my brother was a ballpoint pen.

I could never understand why I leaked and he didn't.

I was jealous. His knob unscrewed and mine didn't.

It was called The Mountie with Nelson Eddy.

He was up at the bar and he gets a telegram from his wife. He opens up the

telegram and he reads it and he sings, I'm not getting any better. Come home.

I'm not getting any better. Come home.

And I wrote, I'm not getting any better. Come home.

The right angle must be clever because it's got 90 degrees.

Girls who trip the light fantastic shouldn't trust in cheap elastic.

Good luck, Titanic.

Well done, President Nixon.

If the people in Spain aren't all Jewish, why do they call their son Saul?

punk music about now with unintelligible words that people lose inspiration in

writing interesting lyrics?

My only answer to that, my dear, is walls.

Walls, wherever there's a wall, the kids are there with their spray cans, right?

I mean, you see it up there and it says, bill stickers will be prosecuted. Let

bill stickers go free.

Twelve inches rules, okay?

lovers. The Japs make them smaller and cheaper.

And they guarantee delivery.

Oh, it's all up there, you know, but I think Some of the nicest stuff I've ever

read is in Great Britain in some of your wash and brush -ups. Really? Why that?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe a matter of convenience, but... Who can say, really?

I'll tell you, there's a gent in Portsmouth that you ought to see. Oh,

can't, no.

But it's beautiful. The poetry there, it rhymes.

You know, the meters are beautiful. One or two spelling mistakes, but beautiful.

Illustrated, some of them are, too, you know. Very, very nice stuff, you know.

Very, very nice stuff. You know, Tilroy was here, but only for the beer.

Happy New Year to all our readers.

What are you looking up here for, ashamed?

And why do you think people find inspiration in a place like that?

I don't know. The solitude.

The magic of the moment.

The feeling of being cut off.

The straining. after perfection.

How can you define the intangible?

To me, I would call it charisma.

Graffiti. I was working on a little number called that the other day. Here

goes.

Now, back in the days of the caveman, history recalls, man had this burning

desire to snatch his messages on walls.

There you'll find Joe loves Mae or Mavis loves little Jim. Or little Jim loves

Charlie. We're gonna keep our eye on him.

This is known as graffiti.

Graffiti, they even do it on the tombstones in the cemetery.

Beneath here lies dentist's graffiti.

Someone's written he is filling his last cavity.

If you look a little closer, these words you may discover. Beneath this thought,

there lies another.

Now sometimes there's a bite and it's very, very nice. Sometimes it is

superfluous. Like don't put your cat in a washing machine or you may get a suck

in the foot.

Carrots will make you feel sexy.

You only got to look at a rabbit. You can kiss a lady show jumper once or

but don't get into the habit.

Oh, this is graffiti.

Graffiti is easily to a sense of depravity.

Why, it can be quite witty because there is no law of graffiti.

There is no law of graffiti.

There is no law of graffiti.

Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have time for this evening. Next week, we'll be

looking back at the days of the music hall, when the noisy patrons used to go

along and hiss in the pit, and comparing it with the modern theatre, which

doesn't even have a pit for him to hiss in.

And we'll ask the question, should the manager give him one of the orchestra's

stalls?

Until then, I'll leave you with this thought.

Oh.

Thank you