Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show, with a host of your favourite stars.

From England, Anthony Buley.

Poor old Brunella was built like a fella, so she went round to see Dr Kerr.

said, now then, make haste, and when she slipped to the waist, he could hardly

stop calling her sir.

Don't worry your head, I'm a surgeon, he said. I'll graft you two on just like

that. Then he went and got plastered, the silly old fool, and he drafted them

onto her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a fellow to walk or to talk or romance

with, because no one wants to chat when a girl looks like that, for by golly,

she's great fun to dance with.

And from Africa, the first name is Scorn, William.

And here he is, the lad himself.

Betty, too!

Now, Johnny was a country boy. His mother's side, his father's side.

he did seemed right somehow.

Why, he would help old ladies across the road even when they didn't want to go,

and he'd always warm his hands before he milked the cow.

On Monday, he'd go hunting there. On Tuesday, he'd put on his underwear.

when he went on the river to try and get trout to sell.

I've known that boy tittle a two -pound trout, and then quick as a flash, just

whip it out. I've known him catch a girl that way as well.

Now, at the Sunday school dinner, when his fish was bad, he didn't get cross,

and he didn't get mad, or tell the waitress to go.

chef to chuck his hand in.

He just looked up and he said, Miss, it would seem to me that this is the piece

of cod that passes all understanding.

And the Finnish girls all sighed when he went by. They said, Johnny, we love you

heaven knows.

I tell you that Johnny boy had it all. I tell you, Johnny, he could fall into a

cesspit and come up smelling like a rose.

You know, one day Johnny went to New York town and there was temptation all

around. He saw a stall full of melons and so he swiped one.

But he hadn't had it in his hand for long when someone told him what he'd

was wrong.

So he put the melon back and took a ripe one.

One night up in Central Park, he wrote, don't lean in the dark. She had no rings

on her fingers or pearls around her neck.

So he searched her body thoroughly. Said, you got no money either, I see.

She said, keep searching, son, or I'll write you out a check.

Sadie Trent took him to her home, and when he left at 4 a .m., he said, well,

I'll be toddling off now, Sadie. She said, now, just a minute, money, honey.

What about the money? He said, shoot, I couldn't take money from a lady.

Now, ain't that Johnny boy real cute? He sure has got a fine brain in his head.

Why, he could sell a nudist clothes or a spring deskimo. I reckon he could even

sell the phone for double bed.

Johnny checked out with Sadie Trent in an apartment which overlooked the rent,

and he had to have his drink. He would not be denied it. One day when he was

high, he saw a sign that said, Drink Canada Dry.

The damn fool went up there and he tried it.

He came back a little bit under the weather, found Sadie and his best friend

together. took out his gun and swore at her something horrid. She stood rooted

to the spot with fear as that bullet missed her ear by three inches and went

straight through her forehead.

In the courthouse, Judge McGee said, Johnny boy, how do you plead?

Johnny stood up and his eyes were filled with tears.

He said, I did not kill Sadie Trent.

As God is my judge, I am innocent.

He said, well, he ain't, but I am. And you are, and you did. Thirty years.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like it. Mmm, that's nice.

It shouldn't take long. Book a day for Sandra, will you? All right, send him

How are we, bloody?

Nice brawn reading.

With a big blister.

That's nice.

That's nice.

Mr Chow Min.

Have you attended an industrial tribunal before?

Oh, no.

And you'll abide by the decision of this call?

Oh, yes.

You haven't brought a solicitor? No, I have decided to tell the truth.

Now, you came to this country in 1961 looking for employment.

Knowledge.

You were looking for knowledge?

Oh, yes.

And did you find this knowledge?

Oh, yes.

Where? In Norfolk.

Why in Norfolk?

Because of that, where it is.

Oh, Norwich. Yay!

Stupid Rancashire trip.

And tell me, what were you doing there?

Flying.

Plane. Glider.

Kite.

No, ship.

You fly ships.

Oh, yes.

Surely you sail ships.

After you fly them.

You see, first of all, you fly the ship.

With the fish.

And then you sell them to the customer.

You worked in a tip shop.

Holy mackerel! Good idea!

Also worked in Bissell.

Bissell, yeah.

And in 1978, you opened your own restaurant.

Yeah, it probably, not necessarily, but probably best restaurant in whole great

Britain.

And when did you implement your recruitment program?

Pardon? Get stuffed.

Watch it, Buffy. They'll punch our mouth in a minute.

Oh, so sorry. Yeah, that was the last year. That's what I mean. That stupid

area. Yeah.

Right. Well, we'd better have him in. Now, he was sent to you by the

exchange to be a waiter in your tiny restaurant.

Now, take a seat.

You are Mahmood Ram Singh.

Very frequently, madam.

You obviously don't come from London.

Oh, no. I come from a place many, many miles from London.

And where is that?

Bradford.

What were your actual duties?

Oh, well, Sergeant Major, they were many and numerous.

Oh, my God, he should have put more men on the job. I was laying the tables, I

was cleaning the cutlery, and I even had to clean the outside walls.

where jubilant delinquents had ridden upon them with squirting tight...

squirting tight spray paint in... Aerothon. It's true, I tell you.

No, he should have put more men on the job.

He should have put more men on the job. And I burnt my hand in the kitchen.

Well, how did you come to burn your hand? Oh, no, no, no, kind Admiral. No,

did not come to burn my hand. I came to cook a meal, only I burnt my hand.

And then he's going to try to serve to the people there.

Who's Duvers?

Who's Duvers? I don't know who's Duvers they were.

They was like little brat proms. They were olives.

I thought they was yeast for them.

Did this establishment have the usual amenities?

Amenities? Oh, they served amenities, very amenities.

Humanities, why, you know written.

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Oh, I'm sure he is.

You see, I make many chutneys and copperdums, you see. I could tickle your

palate, and this has never been tickled before.

And I'm sure it's been tickled many, many times.

Well, he couldn't even fix the lube bulb.

The lube bulb? Oh, the bulb in the lube. No, the lube bulb is like bloodshot

celery.

Yay! You make a lupin pie four feet long and two inches wide.

Well, you should have put more men on the job and make a delicious repast. It

was couscous.

Couscous? It's more like puss -puss.

Oh, we Britishes, we don't want to eat that fallen monk.

He cooked the inside of it. He actually cooked the inside of the animal. Try it.

Awful. Radiable.

All right, all right. But what about him? What about him? He make egg for

Oh, egg for young. It's not egg. It's not young. It's just food.

He make a curry.

Curry? Yeah, Soviet curry.

Soviet curry? Yeah, everybody go rush into the room.

So they got to drop these.

Was he an efficient waiter?

Efficient waiter. Two ladies come in one day. One lady say, drop three twice. He

say, I heard you the first time.

Then a lady say, she want a pair of teeth. He take out his dentures and put

on his face.

Dentures that I pay for. I say, put them back. And he put them back. And then he

laugh at me. He laugh at me with my own teeth.

And then I say to him, why you no make fish cakes? Well, he make fish cakes.

And he put a marzipan on top.

Here we are.

Wait, wait, wait. What about him? He said I would have an eye -level grill.

Well, it is an eye -level grill if you kneel down and eat.

He's mean, you see. I tell you what.

He makes me turn the gas off when I turn the bacon over.

But it's filthy.

Filthy. He doesn't mind when they cut off the gas. Oh, no.

He sets fire to the grease.

He didn't even stop the talking. But it wasn't empty.

He took two hours to pluck a rabbit.

Oh, that's good, that rabbit pie. It's rabbit pie. Oh, that's got hot flesh in

it. Well, a little bit, maybe.

Fifty -fifty.

Fifty -fifty. One horse, one rabbit.

What sort of tips did you get?

Tips? Well, didn't the customers leave a tip? They didn't even leave the knife

and fork.

Because they wasn't satisfied with the service they provided. They didn't put

non -men on the job. Well, now, after due deliberation, we have decided there

a case for unfair dismissal. And we are going to award Mr.

Singh ten weeks' wages.

Ten weeks' wages?

Sixty -five quid?

An inconvenience fee of 25 pounds. So we are going to award Mr. Singh 90 pounds.

Oh, that's okay, yeah. If I can afford it, I'll give him a couple of quid as

well.

You have to give it to him.

He'll give me all that money? Well, what for?

To help support his wife and children.

Oh, excuse me, dear madam.

Despite love and affection and a great deal of strenuous effort on my part, My

wife and I do not have any children.

Oh, there's only one thing you can do then, isn't there? But... Put more men

the job!

Well, hello, everybody.

What do you do?

We got some information that we're going to lay on you. Going to show you the

latest and the greatest...

We'll be down in next year. Now, here's a little outfit you don't wear when it's

cold. Then you really just look it sort of low and behold.

When you see him from the back, it's like he's trying to get out of his head.

When they go on holiday or when they're going to work, they're going out

playing.

Now let's see what the boys are sporting this month.

Thank you. Champagne, caviar, hope for your expensive

car.

Sandor and Lulu, which ladies with a few bejewels.

See you in one minute.

or on the beach, our ladies have impeccable taste.

Like the boys, they are always cool and sophisticated.

As lay boys show us their trendy street outfits.

Sam and Louise show us their newest disco suit.

They can be worn with the belt or equally attractively without the belt.

And here's Claude in his leisure suit.

It's handy for the smoker, also for the non -smoker.

If the evening gets warm, he slips it off, revealing a rather daring backless

shirt. His outfit, like the girls, can be worn with the belt or equally well

without the belt.

And now for our pièce de résistance.

The bride and the groom ready for the happiest days and

nights of their lives.

Given the chance, he knew that he'd be good at it.

Some people said that he was full of humour.

While others thought that he was full of wit.

Here, darling, how about coming in there, eh?

Have a jig around the old Maypole.

Or the Omen Colonial, if you'd rather.

I'm the jester, I'm, I'm, he chuckles for me now. I'm doing all jokes, you

Like I say, who's 45 years old and sleeps with cats?

And they say, I don't know. And I say, Mrs. Cat.

you being stuck in there? How can you start me applause if you're stuck in

there?

I'd be out in half an hour.

Would you scratch my nose for me?

Oh, love me.

Would you mind scratching me?

No, I won't.

Was it the squire's daughter again, was it, eh?

Uh -huh. And where did they find the perrier this time?

In the doorway.

Oh, Paddy, I keep telling you, never do it again.

It was a bit of common.

I don't know, mate. You just don't think, do you? I mean, look at you. Last

week, you went and broke into the silversmith and stole all the lead off

roof.

Your uncle bought you a lovely parrot for Christmas and I said, what's it

And you said, delicious.

You ate it, you cooked it, you put it in the oven. That was a talking parrot.

That parrot could talk.

Well, why didn't it say something?

than boys.

Well, you didn't want to stay where you were, did you?

Oh, look at that!

Like a chest of drawers with a second drawer halfway up.

I'd rather see her stark naked than Henry VIII in full dress uniform.

Oh, there's two of them there. That makes four.

and praying for a crop failure in the morning.

I don't know, Paddy. Sometimes I don't know.

Hello,

Tommy. What's up with him? Oh, him? Oh, he's got a flucky.

He's got a what?

He's got a flucky.

He's got a flucky.

He's only got to do half hour more.

I say, is this Plattsbottom? No, it's not. It's mine.

Well, you don't start from there.

Well, which direction is it?

I don't know.

Me neither.

You're not very bright, are you?

No, but we ain't lost.

Do you want salt?

Oh, please.

Pepper?

Please.

Vinegar?

Thank you for the tip.

Here. You're not allowed to eat your own food here.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know that.

Pack it in.

Do you want to get me into trouble?

Yeah, what time do you knock off?

I'll be going off soon. You've been going off for years, you have.

Oh, don't talk to her like that. She's a real treasure.

Well, what do you want to dig her up for?

Indeed. Well, you was born inside out then, weren't you?

Well, all sisters under the skin.

Well, get back under your skin and send your sister out.

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

You must have been.

I say, you're a chirpy chuckle, aren't you? Who wants to know?

Do you know who I am?

Why, have you forgotten?

I am Lord Belfort, scouring the countryside to find a new jester for the

A royal jester? I'm on in a minute. I'm doing a turn in a minute.

I'm going to get ready. Don't go away. Don't go away.

Here.

What happened to the old jester?

He's gone.

Where has he gone?

Well, that depends on what kind of life he led.

You didn't do so well, did you?

Well, it wasn't my fault. It was that rotten act I had to follow, wasn't it? I

mean, they were so lousy that halfway through my act, everybody remembered how

rotten they were and started booing them again, didn't they?

They were booing you.

They wasn't all booing. Some of them was cheering.

They were cheering the booing.

Booing the experience.

She stood on the bridge at midnight.

Her face was all a quiver. She gave a cough. Her leg fell off and floated down

the river.

Here,

I bought my girl some gardeners. They cost me one and ten.

She gave them to her mother. I shall see them again.

And this is the Duchess of Whitbread.

Hello, darling.

Your Grace, Your Grace, say, Your Grace.

For what I'm about to receive, may the Lord let go.

Oh, my God, why did he choose us? He'll just have to do.

or your very eyes, I will improvise a song about those who are assembled here.

Now, some may smile and some defy me and ask for you, old blimey. I've seen

better eggs than half a pint of beer.

Well, thank you, nuns. Now, over by the door is the mother superior.

Now, I don't mean to say that she's a superior mother.

She's a nun, which means you'll get none of this and none of that. And you

certainly won't get none of the other.

A little farther down. I see little farther down. As religious a man as

found. He keeps himself to himself. He keeps the peace. He keeps the Sabbath.

And he keeps everything else that he sees lying around.

Oh, when he was born, the prince had a face that made you wince. He was so ugly

that when his mummy took him upstairs to bed, she put the nappy on his head. And

I'd hate to tell you where she stuck the dummy.

Now, the king.

Now... How do you suppose the king got that long red nose? Well, long red nose

is running his family.

He can stir his tea with that, he's not to be stiffed at, and he can open the

door with it when he's lost the key.

So, we...

I'll

give five shillings if you let me go.

And me good luck charm.

I could be out at the window and on that cart in the wake, couldn't I? There's

no way you'll be leaving here tonight.

American Express?

A lot of things turned out not too well for our comic friend.

But Chubby, by name and nature, keeps joking to the end.

A message comes very free from the King Chubby's head.

What a kiper.

Just chuck it in the basket, mate, and I'll read it later.

From Hollywood comes The Fudbucket, starring Helen Hornet and Elfie

I distinctly ordered flesh -colored tights.

Well, that's what you got, honey.

Co -starring Orson Buggy as Joe.

What the hell's that for? That's for being a lousy lover.

Special guest star, Mary Tyler Bathroom as Jody. Oh, 1965, yeah, that was a

pretty good year.

It was for me.

It was the year I was born.

Special guest star's co -star, Olivia Newton Thud as Kit.

You mean that your husband knows I'm here with you?

Sure he does.

And he doesn't mind?

No, not at all.

I mean, where is your husband now?

Rubbing your bank.

Special co -star, special guest star, Ivor Littlehampton as Grant.

I know you're down there making that damn boat, but you'll never finish it,

you, butterfly brain?

Yesterday, you started digging the garden.

And Tiddled the Wonder Cat as Old One -Eye.

This week's episode, God Bless My Father.

When I was in hospital, he fitted the guy in the bed next to me with a hot

pacemaker. Every time the guy sneezes, the garage doors fly open.

When you were in the hospital, you made me ashamed asking for the you -know

-what in that vulgar way.

How else can you call a mason? What kind of a pot is it?

It's not a flower pot, is it?

It's not a cooking pot? No, it's a... You should say... Please, may I

have a vase?

I did. I said to the mason, please, may I have a vase? You know what she said?

How big's your bouquet?

I'll tell you something. Her brother tells me that I got hay fever. Says I'm

allergic to pollen.

Tell you something, I've never been to Poland in my whole life.

Forgive her, she's a little upset.

She can't figure out why our brother's got two sisters and she's only got the

one.

Tell me, where is he now?

He's up in Maine, slaying.

Still working, huh?

Your brother's a saint, of course.

Fifty years old and chasing halfway across the world with two 18 -year -old

chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of life is that?

for a man.

And you can go with him for all I care. I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish

in the sea.

Only your bait ain't what it was, is it?

And your peers collapsed.

I've given you the best years of my life. What do you want, a receipt?

Look at this old coat.

It'll be long enough before you get another one.

How do you want again, Harry?

Oh, you know what they say, lucky at cards, unlucky in love.

No cheating, there's nothing up my sleeve. And very little down your

Can I drop you out somewhere, Mrs. Dobbs? Yeah, over the side of the

Bridge.

There.

Mrs. Dobbs made it specially for you. It's a sponge cake.

That is a sponge cake?

I can only assume she calls that a sponge cake because she borrowed all the

ingredients. Well, she didn't have any of it, did she?

Oh, no, she's on a diet. She reckons she's going to lose five pounds a week.

Oh, good. By next July, she'll be gone altogether.

Gee, you're so cute.

Oh, come on, Cindy, watch it. You know, I'm old enough to be your big brother.

Oh!

I quite like older men.

My boyfriend's nearly 26.

Gee.

I wish you were 20 years younger.

Why? Then you could take my mother out.

What about your father?

Oh, he's never home.

He's a naval man.

I'm a leg man myself.

Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it.

Would you mind if I popped out later?

Cindy, you can pop out any time you like.

and get Sharon changed in two minutes.

I'd like to see you do it.

God, I'd like to see you do it.

George, it's beautiful.

Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune.

But what's Harry going to say?

Here's what you do. You take it to Grand Central Station. Put it in the left

luggage. You give the ticket to Harry.

Tell him you found it.

Hey, it's a left luggage ticket, says Harry.

I wonder what it can be, says you.

I'll pop a log and find out, says Harry.

You get the fur coat, and he don't suspect nothing.

You're fabulous!

Ain't I, though?

Drink and think.

That's what killed your uncle.

Drink and think.

I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did you?

I can't remember. What was her maiden name?

I'm asleep.

Wife not sleeping well, Mr.

Arbuthnot? No, it's the cats. They keep her awake at night.

We never eat cats.

As far as I know.

What the hell is this?

I got it out of the cookbook. Good. It's no right to be there in the first

place.

May I pass you the dobs, Mrs. Sugar?

Oh, fancy the sugar, Mrs. Dobbs.

Sweet to the sweet.

Would you care for some nuts?

Oh, um, oh, that reminds me.

Harry, you will remember to go around past the station and find out what that

ticket was for.

Oh, I got it for you, honey. Did it this morning. Picked it up only this

morning, yeah. Oh.

It was an old broken umbrella. It was no good. I threw it away.

Well, I'll be off now.

Night, all.

Go in somewhere.

Go get me some water.

And they took over the West.

Rubbing and romancing were the thing that they did best. Sometimes laughing,

sometimes hating for the dirty things they did.

One of them was from Cavity.

And the other was from that kid.

From that kid.

The raindrops keep falling on my head.

And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.

Those raindrops are falling on my head. They keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the sun.

And I think he's done sleeping on the job.

The rain drops keep falling on my head. They keep falling.

But there's one thing I know.

The blues they send to meet me won't dissipate me.

It won't be long till happiness steps down to greet me.

The rain drops keep falling on my head.

And the band has came.

Thank you.