Original subtitles

Have there been any other men in your life?

Yeah.

There was Harry and Joe and

Bill and then Frank and then Charlie and then

Jack.

And then there was you.

And then there was not.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Betty Hills girls.

They seek him here.

I see him there.

There are twinges that seek him everywhere.

Has he gone underground?

Or under the window?

They're damned. They lose it.

Scarlet. Pimple.

YOU!

chubby dogs.

At the time, my late husband was the head of the studios, and he had a

problem. He couldn't get enough of it.

His idea of outer space was anywhere more than 30 yards from a bar.

He used to frequent this bar where the barmaid was an old dragon, and he used

say, when she starts looking like Greta Garbo, it's time to go.

and Chubby Dots took over, and when he started looking like Clark Gable, my

husband signed him up for 25 years.

I remember the first picture he did was the Western. God, the scenery was

beautiful, but Chubby Dots kept standing in front of us.

See ya.

I'll show you my 38th if you show me yours.

champion dog catcher of Hazard County?

Your brother's got a wooden leg. I know that.

Well, how do you run after dogs with a wooden leg?

You don't have to. He just stands on the street corner and they come to him.

We're ready for the wedding night scene, Mr. Lotto.

Gambling with a chimpanzee.

Knowing that Chubby's drawing power as a star was

negligible, the studios, in their infinite wisdom, decided to team him

Curly Dimple, a 10 -year -old Muppet who many people said, quite unfairly, was a

40 -year -old midget.

But here in Hollywood, they say the tits.

They say the tits.

Unwise to act with children and animals, but acting with children held no fears

for chubby dogs.

Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed, I'm so unhappy.

My mommy's dying. My daddy's face has been taken by the ultrasound. All right,

baby, baby.

where it is often said that they separate the men from the boys with a

The studio is careful to project a masculine image.

I like Chubby Dodge, you know. He was a man's man like I am, huh?

I don't normally share billing because I'm a star.

But I didn't mind in his case because we both like the ladies. Know what I mean?

He used to tell them he'd run out of petrol. Not overly original.

On the dodging?

I used to have meals with a man appealing to platefuls of spaghetti.

I remember one night in Sardis that if I have any more spaghetti and I burp, I'm

going to lasso a waiter.

And drink, God, he would drink 15 beers a night.

He lived life with a big L. And sometimes he suffered pain with a big P.

By now, rumors were rife about a romance between Chubby and one of the studio's

contract players.

Oh,

yes. Of course, her name was... Her name was the Victoria.

She was named after your Queen Victoria.

And not so damn long after either.

I remember the first film they... did together was the Western and got the

dialogue. You know, she had to say, you're not in love with me, you're in

with your six -shooter.

Can you imagine that? Chubby Doll's in love with his six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Well, maybe it's a little, you know, but of course, her uncle owned the studios.

She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

I mean, be fair.

The problem with Chubby Dolls is he got too rich too quickly.

Couldn't pick up a golf club without spitting on his hands first.

Used to invite the neighbors aboard his yacht.

A lot of stars have a yacht. In the swimming pool.

Who but Chubby Dolls would feed his goldfish ant eggs?

Fried in butter.

Then he met Victoria V. Oi, is that a woman? Is that a woman?

That's what people kept asking. Is that a woman?

But Chubby told her.

Oh, he used to kiss her hand like there was gravy on it.

So, obviously, he thought she was attractive.

Well, is he a like Picasso or you don't?

In an effort to cash in on the wedding, the studio cast them together with Patty

Bottom in The Man Between.

Now, you just listen to me. Ask yourself this question.

Do you really need him? Or should you?

Does he need you?

Of course he doesn't. Think?

He does.

But does he really?

No. Now, don't answer yes if you mean no. Of course he does.

Not. So remember, be firm, be brave, be resolute,

but above all, be consanguinical.

Well, I reckon you girls are taking this woman's lip thing a little bit too far.

you know about anyway?

As it happens, I know plenty.

I'd only got to look at my parents to see what another woman could do for a

marriage. I tell you, I've never told anyone this.

played the queen.

Well, that's understandable.

And poker.

I'll tell you, after three years, he used to look just like St. George with

drag on.

He used to always complain that the laundry was a shrink in his shirts, and

day he sent him a 12 -inch nail with a note saying, shrink that.

They sent back a team tag with a note saying, we did.

I'll tell you, him and his wife thought they was always fighting and the feuding

and the cussing.

I tell you, if it wasn't me and him, it was me and her. It was always me and

him. Is that why you left? No, I left on account of my conscience.

I figured I was doing two horses out of a jar.

You see, the trouble was he drank a lot, and I've never done that. I've never

drunk straight.

I spill most of the damn stuff.

Oh, how anybody can drink that? I'll never know.

He used to drink bourbon laced with...

Master Oil, what they call a pile driver.

And we did everything we could for him. I mean, we really did. I mean, I even

put on this historical concoction of his.

Did he have to be concocted? He concocted up. I'll tell you that for

Hiya, Van.

Say, how's your ear?

Pardon? I said, how's your ear coming off?

Okay, Mona, could you give us a smile?

Mona, could you give us a little smile?

Oh, sacred blue, Mona, can we have a little smile? Oh, my God, Van.

Right.

In an effort to get some value out of this liability, the studio even let him

direct himself.

It was on this film that he died.

And he died on the set while the cameras were running.

And, according to his wife, he didn't die very well.

Who is he?

It's me, Sam Gosworth.

Come in.

Natasha?

Ah, you're looking... You're looking as lovely as ever, I see.

Nice of you to say so.

No, I mean it.

You've changed.

Have I?

You have.

You're doing pretty well, I see.

Natasha! Yes?

Ah, that was lovely. Some coffee, please? No, thank you very much indeed.

No, what... Ah!

Natasha!

A grateful studio gave Buster James the starring role.

Since then, he's never looked back.

Chubby Dodds was buried a mile from this swamp area where he was born.

But even this desolate marshland is still part of Hollywood.

Hollywood where one minute you're up and starring, and the next minute you're

down and out.

Midnight, we go slowly in the heart of men. We need your attention.

They might feel the bed is so warm. They might feel the

bed is so warm.

I take my final drink to boogie on the bed.

I do wish my husband wouldn't leave his things all over the place.

Good evening and welcome to Women's List Television.

And I see that at 6 .15 this evening we have another edition of Mrs. and Mr.

At 8 o 'clock, Woman Alive will be dealing with the practice of husband

swapping. At 9 o 'clock we have the final of Mistress Mind.

At 10 o 'clock it's time for the competition.

to find another Mr. World.

And we have now our very

own Sale of the Century.

Yes, it's Sale of the Century.

And tonight, this all -purpose carpet cleaner in the shops at £70 is on offer

for just £3 .50.

This handsome bed warmer, value £200, yours for £5.

And now let's meet the lady with the questions, Liquid Art Carpet.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you so much. And right away, we're going to meet our first contestants.

First of all, we have Miss Sue Updike.

We also have Miss Helen Hornet from Barnes and La... And by all means,

We have Stan Moore from Romford. No, Ron Moore from Stanford.

They're going to get a surprise when they open the coffin and find you gone,

aren't they?

God, look at that face.

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

to look like that? Was it drink and debauchery, was it?

No, nothing like that. I always had a very quiet life.

What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting to look like that.

Right, Harry, get on with the questions. Now, here's the first question. What is

one woman talking?

A monologue.

And two women talking?

A chat -a -love.

One pound away.

Don't get cocky, sunshine.

What does it mean when a carpet is in mint condition?

As brand new.

No, it has a hole in the middle.

Another pound away.

What sort of people eat cow's eggs?

People who live on the Isle of Wight.

A lady wants a pretty but expensive dress.

What does the perfect fiancé do? Talk her out of it or buy it for her?

He buys it for her.

He talks her out of it.

Both.

Well done.

And you will be.

What is a wink?

A weather signal.

Spell weather.

W -E -T -H.

That's the worst spell of weather we've had all year.

Now then, after the first, a man gets tired.

After the second, he's fatigued. After the third, he's exhausted.

Why doesn't he stop after the first?

Because he lives on the fourth floor.

I live on the ground floor.

That doesn't surprise me at all.

Now, shall we have a look and see what we have on our instant open sale?

And on offer tonight, these two... This

one... This easily assembled kitchen table unit.

It comes with all parts interlocking and is ready for painting in

whatever your favorite color has to be.

Hello, Arthur.

How can you do surprise me? Where are all these pirates for women?

What about me?

There was the kitchen table.

It broke.

It was approved by the British Safety Council.

Yes, and so is a Titanic.

Let's get on.

Don't you lower your voice to me.

Just because I'm a man.

Oh, is that what you are? I couldn't see the label from here.

Are you trying to make a monkey out of me? I never interfere with nature.

Right, now the questions go up to five pounds. What does it mean when a man is

bald at the front?

He's a great thinker. And when he's bald at the back?

He's a great lover.

And when he's bald all over?

He's a great thinker and a great lover.

No, he thinks he's a great lover.

One is dark brown and only has three leaves a year.

A Pakistani soldier.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

Telephone, telegram... And telephone.

Telegraph, five pounds away, sorry.

Walter Drums wrote many pieces for percussion.

What did he get for his timpani piece?

Two five -pony pieces?

Trick question, that one was.

Well, now, I see that, Patrick, now it's between Sue and Ron Moore from

Stanford. So here now is the next question. How much... No, no, I'm going

carry on because I've started.

How much water should you put into a four -egg omelette?

A dessert spoonful.

Heat or level?

Heat.

What a pity.

And so, Sue Updike, you have won. Will you join me now for the sale of the

century?

Well, there it is, Sue. Hey!

I've got more than she has.

That's a sweat. Sorry, Sue, he does have a point, and I don't just mean his

head. I'm sorry. Well, it gives me very great pleasure to give you this brand

new 1980 Morris Mini Miner Windscreen Wiper.

And here you are.

And here are the boys with Bobby and Henry and Lord Roger.

And we have hockey. Yes, it's Putney ladies now at the ball as they race

the brimstone goal. And they've gored! In the first minute, Putney ladies are a

goal up and... Oh, they're still going to strike. We are returning

to the studio.

We have mixed golf.

Mrs. Rombo is looking supremely confident.

. .

.

. . .

I understand I know.

is actually Tompkins. She's a cool one, I'm not mistaken. Look at that.

I've never known her to get hot flushes or gay cross or gossip. She's a good

girl. There she is.

of veteran goalkeeper Hazel Knott.

His goalkeeper, Hazel Knott, looking very fetching in her peasling jumper,

she tells me she knitted herself.

I'm assured that...

titty -top, looking very cool indeed as he went to my hippie feet.

It would be a great pleasure to present this trophy to you and to place it in

the hands that have often been said to be as safe as the fangs of England.

It is not.

Gold Table of the Year, we salute you.

Now we're in for a real treat.

Don't do that, Sandra.

Charlene's angel.

Once upon a time, there were three little boys who went to the police

But they just got bored with the routine.

is Charlie.

We're here, Charlie, looking as adorable as ever.

Is that a Picasso?

No, it's a Cipollata.

Oh, I see.

He was there during his blue period.

Well, you could see he wasn't happy when he painted that.

Scotch mist.

I haven't had a job all day.

Give me a hand, please.

Well, they might have let it finish eating its apple before they killed the

thing.

Three beans on toast.

Three beans on toast here.

Right.

Two dollars for me?

What are you trying to do, to dupe me?