Original subtitles

It's the Penny Hill Show. And here he is, the lad at two, Penny Hill.

Okay, good evening, everybody.

We have a fact, a program for you this evening. I see we have a world in

World in action.

And Len Murray will be digesting fried onions.

We'll be discussing trade unions.

And their current plan.

Two orange AIDS.

Their current plan to arrange AIDS for single girls who've never been

enjoyed. And never been employed.

We've locked her in the loop.

We've docked her on the go.

And there'll be more laughs than the lift from the loft where Sir Geoffrey

Loftus left us laughing at us.

For fans of Coronation Street, then fair enough.

Len Faircloth.

But buys Rita Littlewood a diving suit.

A divan suite.

And tells her, for your own good, be in bed before I am.

Oh, be in bed before 1am.

Later on, a man grabs hold of her corsets.

A man grabs hold of her corsets. Not anyone can have them.

Yes, the youngsters will be watching the TV set avidly tomorrow because there's

suppers on it.

Because there's supersonic.

With Elton John, Rod Stewart and Paganini.

Oh, page nine.

Sports fans can see Davies Dickie.

Dickie Davies.

Leighton Orient beat Hawaii 5 -0.

on there'll be Hawaii Five -0.

In Aquarius, we'll be meeting a lady who's half... Oh, we'll be meeting a

who is harpist.

With the Homburg into the orchestra, and we'll get a beef extract.

A brief extract from the battered bridge.

The battered bread. The battered bride!

Then there's crossroads, and Benny proposes... To Diane, and she says she's

quite willing to tickle it if he washes it.

Quite willing to tackle it if he wishes it.

But first of all, here are our American friends, Husky and Starch.

Starchy and Husky.

Wow, was that a broad or was that a broad?

She lives up at the Lynch apartment.

Yeah, man, wow, what a figure, huh?

Flat 38.

Is that possible?

What, the captain?

In the middle of Main Street.

Seventeen stitches.

I told him those pants were too tight.

Hey, you ever heard of Slimy Sally?

Yeah, I heard the name Psychopathic Killer, right?

She has just kidnapped the governor's daughter.

I didn't know he had a daughter.

A hundred thousand dollars reward.

Wow.

Hey, Huggy, do you know where Slimy Sally hangs out?

Yeah.

But on the block, do you see the booty runner?

Turn right until you see the fat hooker with the kid throwing a switchblade at

the telegraph pole in the 21st Street and up the alley by the warehouse.

Why don't you get married and have kids? They can support you. You wouldn't have

to work anymore.

Nor I can find a pregnant widow.

Hey! Get out!

I heard her looking up old friends, but this is ridiculous.

This is not helping us find the girl.

Why do you keep doing that?

Doing what?

Well, like you do. Like, I mean, one minute you're okay, the next minute

Well, they all do it, man. I mean, Kojak's doing it all the time. Why not?

Blimey, Sally, the party's over.

Throw down your gun.

No, but I got something else for you.

That'll teach you to try and kidnap innocent young girls.

Can you hear me, Slimy Sally?

Yeah, I can hear you. There's no need to shout.

You are Slimy Sally?

Then she is... Stalking!

Thank you. Thank you, darling, for being so considerate and getting me this

lovely buyer's belt.

Well, she's certainly got a bargain on her doorstep.

Where does he get them from?

Philip!

And now... Thank you.

From my group, I'd like to feature...

My bass player, Pedro.

And my drummer, Manuel.

In my interpretation of... I've got no drum. I've got no drum.

Fever. I've got no drum.

I love you.

You never know how much I care.

When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear. You give

me fever.

When you kiss me, fever. When you hold me tight, fever.

And the morning fever all...

gets the fever fever isn't such a new thing

Yes, okay.

Wasn't a very nice gesture, now was it, sir?

This, of course, is sure jumping with the difference. Yes, sir, this is the

first time that the Granny of the Year show has been televised, and we hope it

won't be the last.

And tonight you're riding... I'm riding Granny Smith. Here she is, sir. Come

along, come along, boy, bring her along.

She's a lovely little mare. She's a little on the cubby side, sir, but she,

uh... You see, she's very fond of her oats.

She's a little on the weight there, you see. She, of course, has been sired...

by old Grandad, who, as you probably know, sir, won the Derby and Joan Club

Stakes in 1972.

Since then, sir, we've put him out to stud, and he has sired no fewer than 185

yearlings. I'd like to see him. Oh, we can't dig him up just for you, can we,

sir?

Right, I've got to go now, sir. Now, hold it still, boy. Come on, come on.

it still. It's very frisky, you know. This,

of course, is crucial for Britain, as Colonel Llewellyn Todd has to beat the

clock. Here comes Granny Smith now.

I think she's going to make it.

She's done the water jump. She's just got her foot just in there. But she can

still win if she does it within the time frame.

There she goes. She's running. She's running. She's done it. And here comes

Queen Mother.

Well done, Granny.

And now, as is traditional at the Granny of the Earth, we conclude with the

Mountie musical ride.

Ladies and gentlemen, whenever a cinemascope or wide -green film is shown

television, the presenter is faced with a problem.

You see, he either presents it this way, but that only occupies the middle third

of the screen, or he puts on what's known as a squeezed lens and squeezes

the action up into one little shot, but unfortunately that makes everybody look

12 feet tall.

Or on the other hand, he can sort of fish about for the interesting bits of

action, like this chap did.

want to show you.

There, what do you think of that, huh?

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's so big, it seems to go on forever.

You must be very proud.

I sure am.

When you said you had some land, I didn't know you meant so many acres.

It looks so nice with the sun shining on it, doesn't it?

It sure as hell does.

Whole lot of ranchers would like to get their hands on that.

I think maybe I'll put a landing strip there and open it up as a resort.

That's fun, isn't it? Ah, to take more than a few tourists to spoil anything as

beautiful as that.

I think you're right.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, still, I can't undo it if you keep wriggling about there.

I didn't know you had anything as nice as that in there.

Wow, I can't wait to sink my teeth into them.

May I?

No, it doesn't.

Just to think you go to all this trouble just to impress me.

Not in my eyes.

Come to me, my...

Yes, as we are part of this great land.

If I were as far as the eye can see.

Nothing can dim the beauty of this great land, this America.

Joe, there's a man in Mrs. Treasure's garden.

and Winder, the dirty beast.

Oh, I bet he's that peeping Tom they're all after.

Quick, George, come and have a look.

He's wearing a mat the exact colour of the one I bought you for your birth.

Girl, girl, girl Well, yellow, red, black and white Had a little bit of

moonlight For the intercontinental romance Shy girl, sexy girl They all

like the fancy world Champagne, a gentle song and a slow dance Who makes it fun

to spend your money?

Who calls you honey most every day?

I'd like to get to know you, but all I do is smile at you.

You've got me high as a kite.

Yeah, yeah.

There's something about you, baby, I like.

Ha ha ha!

When the saints go...

I want to be in that number when the Saints go hard.

I was worried about my bristles.

So when at night you come, like bristles should be, but falling about all over

the place.

My boyfriend was constantly picking them up off the floor.

So, ladies, make sure your bristles are good and strong and soft. No, no. Whoa,

whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

Bristles. Bristles.

Bristles. You don't like the tea, do you?

There's no tea. No tea.

Okay, I'll have coffee then. But these bristles, I love them.

Oh, get her out of the studio!

Hello, boys and girls. Margaret Thatcher here with a message to the nation.

When your back's to the wall, keep your eye on the ball, never mind how much

it'll earn you.

Put your shoulder to the wheel and keep your nose to the grindstone, and you

know what you'll get.

Yeah, double hernia! Ha, ha!

Push off, Maggie.

You're too snooty for this lot.

Isn't she, boys and girls?

I'll have you know, James, I spent all morning playing squash with the workers.

I know. I saw you driving the steamroller.

Oh, then, Maggie, I know some criticize and say I'm unwise to make cuts in

higher education, but what workman cares what a cubic foot is? When he gets one,

he just claims compensation.

to sign on for the dole. Some say that's too high and we should end it, but the

unemployed should get more than those working because they've got more time to

spend it.

Jimmy, Jimmy, where's it all coming from, eh? I know it's no fun today for

young when they see their pound keep on sinking, but it's worse when you're old

and feeble and cold and your differential starts shrinking.

Let's offer our aid to those poorly paid, to the old folk down to their last

penny. You see, I love poor people. No, I really do.

That's why I've created so many.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, you're breaking my heart.

Careful with that pipe, Harold.

Don't worry about me, love.

I'm fireproof.

I've got a wife and a lighter, and they both work. This would never have

happened if Ted Ether had been alive.

No, no, Harold, less of that, or I'll set my chum on you.

They're money, Mad Enoch. I can't think why.

Cause?

If you save your money, you're a miser.

If you spend your money, you're a fool.

If you can't get money, then you're lazy.

You're getting your dishonest as a rule.

all away, then you're a waster. The world will try and make you small.

You get locked up if you thieve it. When you die, you've got to leave it.

What's the good of money after all?

What's the good of money after all? One more time!

What's the good of...

Those of you looking for somewhere new to go this year, will I'm sure be

to meet Chinese package tour operator, Mr. Chao Min.

Mr.

Chao Min was educated at Eton.

Harrow. At Harrow.

Henley.

Harrow, Henley.

You no say Harold Henley.

I say Harold Henley.

Harold Henley.

Harold Henley.

Harold Henley.

Yes.

Oy vey.

Gotta like my sugar in here.

You know, I told you I'd show a bit of reggae, a bit of pixie, yeah. Oh, that's

nice. Maybe get a date with a floor manager.

In with a face fungus.

These package holidays of yours to China, I must say, they do seem a bit

-fetched. Well, of course they're far -fetched. Because China's a flipping

way. That's why they're far -fetched. Why it's rubbery when you get there.

Shanghai, Shantung, Nanking, all pretty cities. You come.

Nanking? Yeah, bring the wife. Why not?

It's so nice. It's got everything.

It's got a stand for the kids, some for the wife.

Sharks for the wife's mother.

Well, of course, we are more used to the Costa Brava and the French Riviera.

Costa bloody Brava?

The French liver area?

Oh, Sacrebro.

Oh, frog's regs and asparagus.

You eat that fallen muck and it's so expensive.

On the cost of China.

At Tongting's holiday camp.

or take a pee.

You can have a glass of Shelly.

A glass of Shelly.

Raga and Roy.

Raga and Roy.

Lemon, lemon.

Ramen, lemon.

Why you not pee everything?

Like a frippin' pallet all the time, too.

Look, I tell you another thing. If you rocky, if you in rock, and you got a

rocky face,

Maybe you get served with one of our topperous weightlessness.

That is so you no rook too crossy at the bill.

What about their tips?

What about them?

Do they have any? Of course they do.

Not very big ones.

But that is because the tool list...

You're not very generous.

That's why.

And then you go outside and there is fishing or tennis.

Fishing and tennis?

No, fishing or tennis. Only got one left.

It's lovely. You come there. Hi, Pong. She look after you.

She's your secretary?

No.

Pardon?

She take things down for you?

Yes.

She also running too tight.

She can do 30 words a minute.

Give or take a minute.

She's only 15.

She's had a lesson?

Yes. She had a lesson last night.

Had a lesson the day before. She not learn very much, but I did.

When the zipper's stuck.

How often do you take off for China?

tonight.

Sounds like a Chinese chip shop.

You see, they're cropping.

They're just as stupid as you are.

And, um,

at Shanghai Airport? No, Shanghai Tennis Court.

How did the plane stop in such a short space?

We reaved the net up.

Then we have a nightclub and a cabaret with a rubbery radio singer.

Hi, Pong.

Pardon?

Hi, Pong.

I thought he was a gling.

She sings.

Oh, no, she knows, since she's too small. She knows how big enough diagram.

To sing, you have to have big, big diagram.

Diagram. Do I have to draw you a diaphragm?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's diaphragm. It's where the note starts, and it works its way up the

breathing tube, past the pharynx and the larynx, and then across the epiglottis,

and then over the tongue, and it ends up by coming out through the lips like

this.

It's hardly worth the trip.

No, we have a rubbery reedy singer.

Oh, she's got, she's really right by file.

She's rubbery. Unfortunately, she is engaged to this Sarah.

And she's crazy about him.

Sarah, is it he?

Sarah, is it he? No, he is a sailor!

Oh, he is a sailor! Yes!

In the Navy.

Where else?

Boring. How?

What a stupid area.

Oh. I'm sorry. It's just the way you roll your arms.

How you know you don't see me walking there?

Hey, you ratchet buster.

Yeah, get a punch up her throat.

I believe you take off from one of our smaller airports.

I have a right.

Hmm? I have a right.

Of course you have. But where is it?

I just tell you. Isle of Wight.

Isle of Wight. Yes.

My brother take them across in his boat.

And you actually fly people from the Isle of Wight to China and back for 50

pounds. Yes.

Mr. Meaden.

I have no hesitation in awarding you our Balkan Holiday of the Year trophy.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nice, yeah.

By the way, how much does he charge to get them across to the Isle of Wight?

thousand pounds.

Each way.

Say goodnight, Henley.

Goodnight, Henley.

I wanted one as well, but I wasn't quick enough.

And he walks in backwards as a hot cross bun.

So he's got a wooden leg, my poor old uncle Dick. Poured treacle on his bald

head, half an inch thick. He said, I'm going as a toffee apple on the stick.

Auntie Jean went as

Godiva and the horse cost 50 quid.

But the horse got more dancers than Auntie Jean he did.

Mrs. Gray. She said he's not my husband, I'm very sad to say. And Elsie said he

doesn't come from this town anyway.

At the speaker's ball.

At the speaker's

wedding, at least that's what I'm told.

At the speaker's ball.

And the bridegroom couldn't find a place to put his buttonhole.

It was her to matter. Oh, what utter bliss. A slab of stickers waiting is the

thing I'd never miss. And you can always tell who the best man is.

Thank you, fellas. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for being with us.

And we look forward to seeing you all again very soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Look after yourselves.

Thank you.