Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

Here's to that and so, Benny Hill.

For the time she's taking off her gloves and tights, she doesn't feel like a

fight. And if she does it in front of me, then more don't I.

I went in the Sydney Star, nipped up to Sue behind the bar.

Said, the drink's wrong, me, I'll have 12 pints of the best.

And would you care to join me, Sue? She said, I'll have a mouthful, too.

I said, don't be greedy, you'll get a pint, plain as the rest.

She said, you're so drunk you can't see straight. I said, I'll tell you

something, mate. I can see the cat coming in through the door. Is that a

clout? Because he's only got one eye, and in that he's got a thigh.

She said, the cat ain't coming in, it's going out.

On came the cabaret, and I swear that to this day, I've never seen enough that

was quite so rude.

On came a girl quite bare, and she had lovely curly hair.

That's when she was her, she was in the news.

She had pigeons on her toes, a bird of paradise up her nose.

She had a cot or two, it was bright green.

On a navel perched a dove and a few inches above were the biggest parakeets

ever seen.

Oh, there's so many girls in this great deep world and oh, so little time.

If I was three and twenty -three, oh, I would try to find.

But I'm married to a bag with a face like a hag and oh, it's purgatory.

Time's running out for me.

Oh, there are so many girls in this crazy world, and I don't know where to

them. If I was free and pretty free, oh, I would love to find them. But I'm

married to a guy from the West, and I don't know where to find them. I don't

know where to find them.

We're here.

ahead to later tonight, I see that at nine o 'clock, Will and Sonny are once

again moving on.

Hey, Sonny, look what I found.

My God, don't get it out so quick.

Say, Sonny, you hurt bad?

You ever hear of anybody hurt good?

How did it happen, man?

Remember back in 69 when I went through Houston?

Remember that Lois gal?

The one with the big spread?

That's the one.

Well, I never told you this. Only one night she asked me to see her home and

said she was afraid of prowlers. So I done that.

Get up to her front door and she said she was afraid of the dark. Would I go

and switch on the lights? So I done that for her.

Then she said she'd hurt her hand and would I mind helping her take off her

clothes? So I done that for her.

Then she sat down next to me on the dive and...

She sort of leans across me and switches off the light.

What did you do, man?

Well, I can take a hint.

I'll come on home.

This is just now. I was working away, and I had in my hand one of them little

sharp -pointed little oil things.

Nipples. It's true.

You see, I get to thinking about Lois, and it suddenly dawned on me what that

gal really wanted me to do.

You know what I did?

Put my hand up to my forehead like that. I went, whoa!

You know what?

I've done it again.

At 10 .40, our big CinemaScope feature film.

fermented maize water, and swallowing parted goat's milk, which they eat with

simple wooden spoon.

What a backward, childlike people they are.

I'm home, honey.

Oh, shit, Dick.

Guess what?

That doctor insisted on giving me a complete examination.

I had to take all of my clothes off. Can you imagine that?

Do you mind? I'm eating.

That doctor told me I have the most perfect body he's ever seen.

Didn't he say anything about that big, fat, ugly bum of yours?

No, he never even mentioned your name.

Just look at the way you dress me.

If any of your friends came round here, they'd think I was the cook.

Not if they came to dinner.

It's our anniversary.

Oh, it's our anniversary.

Big deal.

You remember our wedding night?

Gosh, you were so eager you didn't even give me time to take my stockings off.

Tonight you'll have time to knit yourself a pair.

Oh, you and Martha have been married for 14 years.

It's funny.

I don't remember breaking two mirrors.

Martha, 14 years married to that great big he -man.

He -man?

Honey, that fellow of mine got a hernia trying to inhale a filter cigarette.

Well, I never did.

Honey, you must have done it.

The girls at college adore him.

Doesn't it ever worry you, him chasing after girls?

Honey, I've got a dog that chases after cars.

But if he caught one, he couldn't drive the damn thing!

Why don't you lace up your mouth and rant out your head as a football?

Men like me don't grow on trees, you know.

No, they swing from them!

He just stepped by to wish you well.

It's been lovely. It really has.

You'll have to forgive her. She's going through a funny time.

You do understand, don't you?

Did you see the way that man looked at me?

What would you do if you came home and found a man in bed with me?

I'd hit him over the head with his white stick.

I use pawns. So does a duck.

That's true.

There. You think I'm lovely, don't you, Polly? Polly, say you're lovely. Say

you're lovely.

You're lovely.

You're lovely.

You turn me on, you sexy thing.

You turn me on, you sexy thing. Come along, my dear.

It's time for your bed.

Seven o 'clock, it's This Is Your Life. It's your old friends Jack and Ginger

Nut. Hello, Ted.

You haven't changed a bit.

Hello, Ted.

You haven't changed a bit.

Now,

Ted, before you were married in 1950, you were in hairdressing, and

here's a picture of you coming up on the monitor now.

Do you recognize this voice?

What shall I take down now, Mr. Proudfoot?

Yes, your secretary till you got married, still single, Miss Susie

Sale of the half century follows at 7 .30.

Wiz of the Week.

Yes,

the sale of the half century.

And on offer tonight, this lovely pair of accessories.

We are not assimilated imitation pearl brooches in the shops at 82 pounds and

offer for just 8 pounds.

A 1 ,000 pound Riviera holiday for two on offer for just 10 pounds.

Now let's meet the man with the question.

Nicholas Partle.

Thank you and welcome indeed to Sale of the Half

Century. So right away let's meet our first contestant.

She is a lady, so she tells me, and she is an authoress. She's just written a

book called How to Make Your Marriage Work, and she's now writing the sequel,

How to Make Your Husband Work.

She is Teresa Tingle.

What a delightful creature she is, to be sure.

Our lone male guest this evening comes from Belfast.

And he is married, he has 17 children, and his hobby is bell ringing.

And he is Mr. Jack Reinemann.

And, ladies and gentlemen, last but by no means least, a delightful young lady

with the delightful name of Melanie.

It's a very apt name, isn't it?

Absolutely describes her.

They are Melanie. She is a Melanie.

Which means that twice a week, she strips for Jim.

Lucky Jim, how I envy him.

Although, in actual fact, I believe you don't have a boyfriend, do you, my dear?

If you won the holiday for two, another man would have to sort of come along

with you, wouldn't he?

I see. Well, she is actually, by profession, a cookery expert. Now, the

question is, what is the principal ingredient of vol -au -vent?

Pastry. Oh, well done, Melanie.

Not too well done, though.

Thanks for you getting that one right. Well done. Now, the next one. What is a

Welsh rarebit?

Cheese on toast.

Oh, right again, fancy.

Although, of course, I have heard of a Welsh rarebit referred to as a virgin

from Cardiff. But, um... We won't dwell on that, will we?

Why do you keep asking cookery questions?

Give us a chance to.

Ah, sorry.

What is a wooden wedding?

Ten years.

Two Poles getting married.

What a pity, what a pity.

Well, now then, let's see what we have on our instant sale, shall we? This

easily assembled kitchen table unit comes with four parts interlocked.

Hardly line wood and ready for painting in whatever your favourite colour

happens to be.

Value 37 pounds.

No offers for that?

You do surprise me.

The questions now go to three pounds. What is the name of this tune that Peter

Penchurch is playing?

No, it's not the cobbler's something.

After the bowl?

You're sort of half right.

Not quite, no.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Are you boasting again?

No, it is, of course, Colonel Bogey. Well, now then, let's have a look and

what we have on offer in the open sale.

This radiogram with a supply of hit records.

Including Victor Sylvester at Nashville.

Houghton's Motorworks Band at Ronnie Scott.

And Mrs. Mills plays Mendelssohn.

And loses.

Your trombone at one pound.

This garbage disposal unit, guaranteed for one year or double your garbage

five pounds.

These are just a few of the items on the open sale tonight.

And no offers.

Well, I never. Well, the questions now go up to five pounds. Here we are. If

don't leave my wife alone, I shall...

He didn't sign his

name, so I... What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

No? No, I thought you'd have got that one.

You can't make a vitamin.

has two legs and flies?

Yes, Melanie?

Ah, I thought you'd have got that one. Two legs and flies.

We ain't got no full of manure.

I thought you would have got that one. Never mind. What is the difference

between a pint of beer and a pea?

They all guessed at the same time. You all know the answer. 20 minutes.

Well, now then, to be fair to you all, I'm going to give you all one simple

question and you answer them separately. We must be fair, scrupulously fair.

And this is a name. It begins W -E -M, Melanie, and it ends L -E -Y. There was

one letter missing and the cup final was held there last year. No coaching from

the audience, please.

Wembley?

Well done.

Oh, isn't that nice? I'm so glad.

And now a nice easy one for you, Theresa. Could you tell me, please, how

people attended the cup final there last year?

About 90 ,000.

90 ,002.

Five pounds away.

And for five pounds, Jackie, can you tell me their names and addresses?

I couldn't.

And that's the correct answer to your question.

Could you tell me what is the difference between and...

Oh, well done, Melanie.

Oh,

you'll soon be having that lovely holiday for two, won't we? Won't you?

Well, it seems that... Oh, Melanie is in the lead now, and it seems that...

There's just one more question to go, and if Melanie, if nobody else gets this

question right, then Melanie, you are going to have a lovely holiday for two.

Well, here is the final question, then. What is the Bessarabian equivalent of

the patois or slang word Yassif el -Achim?

Zabrigalubru.

I'm sorry.

Zabrigalubro.

lovely Melanie.

Will you join me now for the sale of... I beg your pardon.

There's a... Apparently... Well, would you look it up in the Encyclopedia

Britannica?

And see what I wrote?

You did.

And it is right, I see.

Well then, Jack Reinemann, will you now join me for the... Come on! Will you

join me for the sale of the half century? Come on!

And here are all the lovely... Here,

as you can see, Jackie, we have the Duncan in the way.

We have this two -piece toiletry set with, of course, as you can see, the

-plated seat.

What a way to go.

Over here, we come on... Was that you?

Not while the train is standing at a station.

We have this lovely clock which goes for eight days without winding.

And along will it go if you wind it.

Ha, blabby, ha.

Come on, come on, come on.

Now, let's see what else we've got that you can't afford. Even I can't afford

that.

We have this very nice leather chair. Would you like to try it?

Well,

tell me, how does it feel?

Charming, who's your friend?

And what else have we got? Yes, we've got this very charming 27 -piece...

57

-piece... ...piece set, which also you can't afford. I'm afraid you only have

£20. And what do we have? We only have one thing that you can afford, and it's

this very handy spare room toiletry set. There is the basin.

You can hand that along. And there is the jug.

Angela will hold it for you.

And, of course, it wouldn't be complete without that, would it? Would you like

to have a look inside?

It's all lovely and shiny.

Would you like to try it for size?

Come on.

You see?

A perfect fit. It's a bloody convulsion.

And here are Linda and Angela to congratulate you. Good night. Good

Good night.

Good night.

Good night. Good

night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

To our chumps in Great Britain.

To the kleine babbikins, and to the mutters, and the fathers.

To the grossmutters, and the grossfathers.

And when I say the grossfather, I don't mean a grossfather, so, so, I mean the

father of the father.

Here at the Herbert Strasser University.

Situated as it is in the backside of Hamburg, we are discussing the British

of life, the British vehicle, and getting to know you.

Sind Sie auch setzen komfortabelisch?

Then ich will begin.

The British man is very fond of ladies with the two lovely hemispheres.

The lovely ladies of the two hemispheres.

But you wouldn't know it because he's so shy and retiring.

I give you a for instance, a young man is walking along the quayside at cows in

the isle of Widget.

There are sailing the yachts.

What is he lying on the beach? A young girl of some 17 summers and 48 winters.

With a churne figure.

With a kleine titsen and a großen titsen.

And she is almost wearing a itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini.

She is practically knackered.

And what does he do? He says good morning and he goes on his way.

His heart is thumping so much that his kidneys are saying stop dancing up

A red corpuscle turns to a white corpuscle and says, what's everybody

around for?

He says, good morning, and he goes on his way because he does not want to

cockroach upon her privacy.

You are not listening!

Cockroach upon her privacy?

Hencroach upon her privacy?

You must use a feminine hen.

Do not use the masculine cock.

But you are assuming that I am speaking correctly.

You must never...

moment in time, the typical British man is probably sitting in the privy of his

own home, watching this television show.

But he is very hospitable, and if you are alone in London, he will take you

to see the sights, see the horse cart parade, the soil article gardens in

Reesons Park, Cleopatra's Noodle, take you to the law court,

where true and honest justice is dispensed with.

Then he will take you to a nightclub, restaurant, champagne, supper, back to

apartment. Won't charge you anything. You can stay the night there. I know

is true.

It happened to my sister.

You see? But if you drive into the West End of London by yourself, be very

careful. If you park your car, they will give you a ticket.

They should give you a bloody medal.

If you have a three -course meal, after the meal, you will want an after -dinner

mint.

you will need an after -dinner mint to pay for the bill.

If the waiter comes along at your table, tell him, piss off, Kate.

Because the British have not yet conquered inflation.

We, of course, have conquered inflation, just as we conquered Poland and

Czechoslovakia and that British government.

I got carried away a little bit.

Nice being with you. Thank you all, and good night.

Thank you so much.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is that talented Eddie Buchanan with the

adorable Love Machine!

dreams are dumber.

Now, I may be a fool, but at least I'm a man.

And last night, half crazy, I came up with this plan.

Well, my dreams are sad. It's a problem that's a turtle. I took a little ant and

I put it in the journal.

Opportunities for the girls who live in dreams.

And when the girls come by for their audition, I'm going to think, girls,

this will be your mission. You're to be the stuff in all my schemes.

Here's a little job that you can't sleep on and you won't be fired.

Clothes were made to wear and keep on up until we're tired.

And honey, you've been hired for dancing in the nude.

In the budges and flowers.

Just like.

Just like straight from the shower.

We're looking at palmistry and phrenology. And let's meet our expert,

Grimley. Oh, my God!

I can't get down!

I can't get down! Oh,

my God!

Miss Grimley, do you really feel that palmistry and phrenology can help us

out about ourselves and others? Oh, yes, I do, particularly where romance is

concerned. To all girls, I say, see his palm before you make a date.

I always say that.

I don't know why, but I do.

And another one, read the...

before you wed.

Because I do feel that every man before getting married should have his head

examined.

Really, I do feel that. I'm sorry. I do feel that.

When did you first become interested in Claire Boyles?

Well, when I met my first husband. He was an awfully strange man, you know. He

only had one eye.

He had a glass eye and a crystal ball.

Tell us about some of your more remarkable predictions.

Well, there was one lady came to me, 37 years of age she was, and don't fight

her.

37... 37 years of age she was, and she wasn't even married. I said, don't

I said, one day you will have children. I said, you will have children. And did

she? Within a fortnight, yes.

She had twins, a boy and a girl.

Anything else? No, just a boy and a girl.

flew away, you know.

Just joshing, of course.

Don't do that, Uncle.

Oh,

yes, well, there was one man came to me, awfully robust he was, you know, and he

was absolutely obsessed with death. I said, don't worry, I said, you'll live

be 80.

He said, I am 80. I said, what did I tell you?

Not out of the audience, but straight out of the street, so there's no point

your having met at all. And we're going to ask you to sit there and tell us

about our volunteer simply by reading their hand. Well, could you put your

through, please?

Oh, thank you.

Made a friend for life, then.

Well, it's a very short hand. I mean, it could be a typist.

of the nails they've started digging all over you.

Could I try the head, please? Could I try the... Can you climb the head just a

little? And... Oh, I'm learning so much more now.

Could I just ask one question?

Yes. How old is this lady?

It's a gentleman.

Oh, is it? We can't be right all the time. I find the barrier. Could I try

blindfold as you said we would if I couldn't? Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Easier like that, you see.

Oh! Oh, that's... Yes, that's much better.

Oh, yes, a lot's coming through to me now. Yes, you fruity old devil, you.

Now,

that's naughty. You're having me on, aren't you?

I've had this trick played on me before. This is a melon, isn't it? I can tell.

I can tell a melon, you know. I can tell. No, I assure you. No, no, no.

Well... Oh, I see. Yes, yes, they've got this furry... Yes, it could have been a

coconut. But...

This gentleman is about 42 years of age, stands about six foot tall, and he's

led a life of drink and debauchery.

Let's see.

Oh, success!

Another success!

Success?

I'm not 42 years old.

But you will be one day.

I mean, you were once, weren't you? Yes, that's what I mean. And I'm not six

foot tall. No, but you would be if you ate your oats more regularly. If you ate

your porridge up. You'd grow up in a storm, you see, wouldn't you?

I haven't let a leaf of dink on debauchery.

You mean you haven't even enjoyed getting to look like that?

What a pity.

I think you're a fraud.

You couldn't read the bumps in my hair. Why not?

Because I haven't got any.

Well, you bloody...

Miss Abigail, this just ain't your day, is it?

The number of people who are keeping wild

animals as pets is growing at an alarming rate.

I mean, take for example this female crocodile here. In her natural

in her natural environment... She lays 1 ,000 eggs every year. And the male

crocodile, you see, he comes along and he eats up 999 of those eggs. Because if

he didn't, we'd be up to our bloody necks in crocodiles.

But you see, the thing is, trust, trust. Look at that. Trust, trust.

All right, you're closed now, dear. You see?

I know how to handle them, but a lot of people don't, you know. You see bad

crocodile handlers every day in canteens saying, three cups of tea, please.

you see, and take this poor old Arabian tortoise here. I mean, we found him

abandoned in a junkyard.

He was exhausted.

I mean, for six hours he'd been trying to make love to a German soldier's

helmet.

And he was very, very cut up about that.

He doesn't even look Jewish.

Here, eat.

Eat and enjoy.

There, there, you see.

Poor old thing hadn't got any teeth.

Mind you, he could give you a nasty suck.

Take your rhinoceros. Take your long -horned rhinoceros. There he is in the

garden minding his own business. Suddenly an aeroplane comes overhead.

Up goes his head. No harm done.

Unless you happen to be playing leapfrog with him at the time.

Then bang goes your no -cleans bonus, doesn't it?

But my favourite of all is the big docile elephant. There we are. Come

Oh, he's a good boy.

Oh, look at that. Isn't that sweet?

Did you know, by the way, that elephants... In the jungle, when they

they will walk for thousands and thousands of miles across deserts, over

They go through the forest and over the mountains just to die in the elephant's

graveyard. And scientists have only just discovered why this is.

It's the walk that kills them.

Take, for example, snakes. You see, you have to be very careful. There we are.

No, no, no. Quite tame, quite tame. Down you go. Down, down, down. There you

are, you see.

A snake will not bite you unless he is attacked, you see.

But, of course, if you have a snake lying around on an armchair and you

to sit on it, well, then it will bite whatever it thinks is attacking it.

And someone will have to suck the poison out.

Preferably a friend.

Well, if he's not a friend at the beginning, he will be by the end.

Then, of course, you know, some animals can be domesticated. For example, my

mother -in -law, she has trained her forest -bred lion to do his little bits

business on the newspaper while I'm reading it.

Mind you, of course, I do like... I do like these little exotic creatures.

But, of course, myself, personally...

much prefer the domesticated animals. In fact, my best friend is my dog.

Some people say my only friend is my dog.

They say I milk so many cows that I shake hands one finger at a time.

That when I die, I would like my skin to be used as the saddle for a lady show

jumper, so that I will always be between the two things I love best.

A good piece of horse flesh and a beautiful woman.

But of course, of all the wild animals, I think my favourite is the elephant.

There he goes.

Well, you know what they always say? They always say that an elephant never

forgets. But of course, what has an elephant got to remember?

Oh, he has to remember a little kindness. An elephant will always

little kindness, and he will repay you in the only way he knows how.

Start the breeze machine. Zoom into Lindsay DePaul now.

Start

the

breeze machine now.

Very gently.

Gently.

Roy Wood now.

She got eyes that glow like cigarette with that space underneath.

When she bites her fingernails, her mother hides her teeth.

Told me she was just 18 on the telephone.

I thought she meant 18 years, but she meant 18 stone.

She's crazy, she's lethargic, and working she resents. She's slower than a

nudist, trying to climb a barbed wire fence.

But she worked so till one evening, when she went out with her boss.

Before he could say, I'm not that kind of a girl she was.

I bet it was all broken and the spring was sticking out. But when I recall our

nights together, my heart, it wants to sing.

We kissed all through the winter and made love right through the spring.

Like when you and me, that you're the one, the

only one for me.

Last week I caught you with the butcher. You would be singing, cuddling and

such.

How could you kiss the butcher when we owe the milkman so much?

You promised you would be faithful, but you cheated and you were untrue. But if

I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over you.

Drop the confetti now.

Drop the confetti now.

Drop... Pour the confetti on him now!

You can talk with all that down the front of your chest.

Now, now, now.

Never know, never know, never know, never know.

I don't know why a horse standing in a field all day

should be so hard to sit upon when he...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank

you.

Stand by with the smoke machine now.

Stand by so I get a good

shot of that girl.

That's not funny.

Well done, everybody.

We've all gone home.