Original subtitles

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show with a host of international guest stars, Jenny

Flutoff and Mama Missouri.

Oh, listen to the story of a Greek romantic fool. I fell in love with

when I was at school.

But I knew our love could never be, she could not be mine.

For she was nearly 23, I was 39.

I took him on a picnic.

Because his heart was full.

And there we saw a cow getting so friendly with a bull.

He said, oh, I would love to do what that bull's doing now.

I said, why don't you ask then? She looks a friendly cow.

I will too.

And I will too.

And everything I have I'll share with you.

Roger Twitika.

Annie from Brighton once ordered a steak weighing nine and a quarter pounds.

The butcher, he said, will you take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it round?

She said, no, I just want to look at it, because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost, and I just want to see what it looks like in one

lump.

Agatha's fashion was baked beans.

It's a meal that she always enjoys.

But she's heard if you eat too many, you might make an embarrassing noise.

Now she eats more than ever.

Enough to make all of you sick. And she washes it down with pineapple juice

because she likes Hawaiian music.

But I should be quietly singing.

With my guitar on my knee, for no matter who calls or whatever before, there's

no one who worries me.

Sir, back a little.

I'm glad I saw Colleen. She was in the right bar.

Drinking a pint of Dubonnet and smoking a big cigar.

I said, are you going to have another one in the Irish Buttercup?

She said, oh, no, it's just the way me coat is buttoned up.

The last time that

I saw her, she had her baby in a pram. I thought I'd stop and chat, because

that's the kind of a fellow I am. I said, isn't your baby tiny?

She said, no, less of your cheek.

Of course, me baby's tiny, because I've only been married a week.

Colleen, my heart's waiting for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart's waiting for you.

And the lady took Benny Hill.

Oh, God, what is it? Let him go up.

arrive in Luana, the very first person I met was a ubangi, or plate -lipped

lady, with the very big lip there. And I asked her the way to the interior, and

she replied, which means I cannot answer you because you're standing on my lower

lip.

But she was an intelligent girl, you know, not just a pretty face.

And she said to me, last week, big silver bird landed jungle.

Isn't that a lovely description of an airplane? Big silver bird, you know.

I said, what was it like? She said, a little bit like lobster. You can't eat

shell, but the meat's gorgeous.

Anyway, she had a son called One Dongo.

Or was it Two Dongos? No, it was One Dongo.

He was a big, heavy, you know, broad -shouldered. He was built like a brick

shipyard, he was.

Honestly, he was muscular, and he was gorgeous, in a virile sort of way, to

understand.

And he didn't speak a word of English, so I gave him a dictionary, and he ate

it. He actually ate it. He swallowed the dictionary.

We gave him centipods and castor oil. We couldn't get a word out of him.

A long time. I remember he used to run around the jungle at night saying, who

goes there, friend or enema?

He didn't know which way to turn, but he married one of these little pygmy girls

about three feet tall.

I didn't like her very much. She was always sticking her nose in other

business.

She married him. I don't know who put her up to it, but she did.

I remember I said, how did you find this little pygmy girl in this tall jungle

grass? And he said, pretty damn good.

Out in the jungle there, they run around with nothing on their head at all. Out

in this terribly hot sun. But we, of course, have to wear these pith helmets.

lot of people have asked me why they are called pith helmets.

And they are called pith helmets because you have to wear them when you're

walking through the jungle because there are these very tall trees.

And at the top of the tall trees there are frequently monkeys.

And they are inclined to eat rather a lot of watermelons.

And you have to wear these pith helmets in order to stop these monkeys pitching

watermelons on top of you.

I just thought you might like to know. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very

happy to say that I managed to bring back with me from the jungle a very,

beautiful native girl. I'd like to have you meet her. Mabula, Mabula, Mabula!

Oh, my God!

You know, the first time I met this kid, she came up to me, she said, kiss me,

Big Buana.

So I kissed her, Big Buana.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to get her to sing a little native song for

and so you'll understand it, I'll translate as we go along, all right?

In England, you hate burglars. You say they're mean and vicious.

But we had burglars here last night, and oh, they were delicious.

Please don't blame our doggie. It's not his fault at all. Someone left a wet

umbrella standing in the hall.

He messed up the lion's paw. The great big lion let him. Then it licked his

in gratitude.

And then it ate him.

Zulu men are eight feet tall and they wear great big fig leaves. Pygmy men are

three feet tall and they wear little tea leaves.

She banged upon my bedroom door and began to scream and shout. She kicked

such a rumpus that I had to let her out.

I'm speaking to you from this historic site where any minute now...

Any

minute now, Britain's first spacecraft is

about to take off for the moon.

And I'm hoping to have a word with the

man in charge, Mr. Scuttle. Good evening, Joe.

Scotland, if you don't mind, sir, space date.

It says so. What are you doing on my launching pad?

You're not allowed on my launching pad without a launching voucher.

My car.

There's nothing on it, sir.

What do you want to put on the back for?

Henry McGee.

Are you Egyptian?

Scientific correspondence.

Scientific, eh?

But I don't need a correspondence.

I'm not divorcing my wife. I've never even thought about divorce.

Murder? No, I work for Thames Television.

You poor soul.

Could you tell us why you're doing this? I am doing this to prove that we are

not washed up. To show that Britain still leads the world in scientific end

hour and precision engineering.

The Russians and the Americans have been up on the moon with their rocket. The

Chinese don't need one.

They can stand on each other's shoulders.

We have to keep light -hearted, otherwise we crack up, you know.

Under the strain, we are going into the outer reaches of the solar plexus where

the hand of man has never set foot in that indestructible the second.

Well, what happened to indestructible the first? It fell apart.

Perhaps you could explain in more detail for the viewers. What fuel do you use?

Nutty slack.

And you keep that in the chamber?

No, sir, I keep it in a little cardboard box under the bed, sir.

Gee, it's not you, is it?

He started frying up again. I told him about that. I said not till we're in

orbit. That's Willie Turdy I told him about. He stopped to fry up till we're

orbit. Can we see him?

Yes, all right. Hang on.

Here he is. There he is, sir.

his full regatta, sir.

On the back, as you can see, we have the container.

That contains oxygen, I suppose. No, hot cocoa, sir.

It might be chilly up there. We don't know, you see, sir. What's that strange

-looking thing? What's that strange -looking thing sticking out of his boot?

That is his leg, sir.

Oh, that's his Geiger counter, sir, yes. We'll have to help him find uranium.

I think he can find that on his own. He always has them.

What made you choose him? I chose him, sir, because he represents the youth of

Great Britain.

How old is he? Fifty -eight.

He's a late developer.

He looks older.

He worries a lot, sir.

I say, he says... He

can't air very well in there.

There's not much he can do to breathe in there.

Or will he be able to live in it? I should think so, sir.

Our goldfish lived in it for three weeks.

Till it died.

Hang on, would you like to have a look? A better look at him. There he is, sir,

you see.

No, he's all right. He's all right, sir. He's medically fit to undertake this

arduous journey. He's as strong as an ox.

And almost as intelligent, sir.

Oh, he has been personally inspected by Sister Anna from St. John Thomas'

Hospital.

Where she has a 90 % record of complete recovery.

And that's in the mortuary.

Look, look at his eyes, though. He's thinking about it. She can disturb the

patients without making the bed, she turns.

Oh, she gets him going, you know, sir. Does she examine him thoroughly? From

to bottom, sir. She looked down his throat, looked up his birth certificate.

The full MO treatment.

Grade one, you see, sir. Because, you see, sir, once we're up there in orbit,

we're out of the three -mile limit, you see.

And we don't come under the government's jurisprudence up there.

I mean, if while I'm up there, a dirty great big boil comes up on my astronaut

friend here, sir, the National House won't have nothing to do with it.

They'd put an embargo on it? They wouldn't put a bloody bread poultice on

sir. Look at him, look.

He's mad keen to get into orbit, you see.

Very good. All right. Did I hear that you're taking your wives with you? No,

sir. We do not feel the moon is any place for ladies, let alone our wives.

away, you'll get radium. You'll get biological radium. When are we going to

start? What are you two girls doing in my rocket? You're not squatters, are

I could have you prostituted for trespassing in there.

Look, you said we were going to be space hostesses.

Oh, yes, I did, yes. Yes, I did, yes. Yes, space hostesses. Come on, in you

sir. It slipped my mind. I forgot about that. Here, you'll start his Geiger

counter going again.

Nicky, come on.

Look, sir, we have to go now, sir. You can see Nicky Mouse's hand is... Oh,

isn't it?

Yes.

We'd better go, sir. You won't forgive us, will you?

Mrs. Mooney, would you like to take your washing in?

Well, you remember the last time we had to fall out of store all over your

knickers.

There, well, well, I've done it.

Goodbye, all.

Sir, have you got a match?

A match?

Thank you very much, sir.

What do you think the atmosphere will be like up here? Very jovial, sir. We're

going to take a piano accordion with us.

Oh. Here we go, sir.

Farewell, world!

Oh, I've done that bit.

This is A for Austin, calling P for two.

F for pheasant, calling P for whistle.

R for no, calling I for novello.

Nought. Nothing.

Sweet for a what?

Ready, steady, go!

Oh, I'm enjoying this, aren't you?

Oh, this is fun.

Stop them Russians already trying to link up.

You haven't taken off. There was no lift off.

But these two mad birds don't know that.

Farewell, world!

Oh, no, ecstasy!

For those of you

who'd like to learn how to cook Chinese food at home, here are Farnie and Joni

Fladdock.

You stupid breeding idiot.

He's interspersed. As a newt.

What's this dish called? In English, it's called politician's pudding.

Why politician's pudding?

Because into it, we put pea stalks.

That's a tiny joke. Why there no crapping?

Why there no crapping out there?

Your mouth is stupid.

You see,

this is very popular with my brothel.

Your brothel? I have a big brothel in Hong Kong and a riddle system.

Flogs her eggs.

Who flogs her eggs? No, who flogs her eggs? Flogs her eggs, Rook, flogs her

eggs. Oh, flogs legs? Yes!

Horry McAlaw.

Who taught a road of cobras?

Mesa have a chop seraly.

Stellary. Not necessary.

Clobberberry? Not necessary.

Next we have egg.

This egg comes from Kyushu bird. Kyushu bird, very unusual bird, only have one

mating season per year.

It lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there is no female of the species.

Kyushu bird is a very unhappy bird.

Now we break the egg in a pot, so...

Go on, then.

Oh, stupid. He not want to break a pot. Make a fish. Make a fish. Make a fish!

With a hand, right.

Make an egg, yeah. Put egg in the pot.

With a hand, right.

Right, right, yes.

We have other egg. This egg come from leany bird. Leany bird, very rare bird.

Leany bird only weigh half ounce.

Smallest bird in whole world. Only weigh half ounce.

Called teeny weeny leany bird.

And every year, he raise one egg.

this egg, it let out a strange cry.

Ah -ha, I'm on my head.

Hello, my darling.

Mr. Pooh.

And then the bird completely disappeared.

Put an egg in the pot.

That's nice.

That's okay.

Pooh, pooh.

Right, next we have some tiddly.

Kidney, kidney.

I said kidney, didn't I?

Right.

Now, what is rarest meat in the whole world?

Rarest meat in the whole world.

I'm a dillo.

Would you say?

I'm a dillo.

Yes, you're a dillo.

Rarest meat in the whole world. Try, try, try, try, try. Don't, don't. Eat,

eat, eat.

Couscous.

Is it couscous?

No couscous. Puss, puss.

You eat bread with this? No, we don't have a bread with that. No, no. Just

dumplings.

Pardon?

Just soya dumplings.

after the main dish.

Good body every evening.

You know what I think?

Tell us what you think, Johnny, we could do with two minutes, Cyrus.

I think for your hot dogs.

Your dessert.

You're sweet.

Now,

we have, we have

these riddle pastries.

Put it forth.

Okay, I put it forth.

You, we... we usually have more varied confections.

Chocolate drops.

Pardon?

Chocolate drops.

Who's a clever boy, dear?

Look at me when I talk to you.

And we start with canapés.

What's the good of grabbing canapés?

You now have a piece in the high bone.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Canapé, it's French.

French? You can't speak a bloody English.

Rookie, you want a canapé? Yeah, a canapé. Oh, I've got a cap to be on. So

sorry, stupid idiot.

Why are you messing with me, stupid idiot?

Right, you eat up and tell me if that's not nice.

Eat up.

There's no garnish.

Celery. You don't sort of titivate it.

What?

Titivate. What's a titivate?

Sound like a Jewish baby waiting for the breakfast.

He's a robbery, eh? Robbery.

He's a robbery, all right. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a great pleasure in presenting the exciting

Arnault.

afraid to say the magic is gone

and I feel somehow some bad news is coming

my way I can feel

So why?

Strangers trying to be.

Oh, so polite.

If only you'd say what you're really thinking.

Remember how we used to fight.

California, we bring you Murder on the Oregon Express.

Starring Buddy Edson as Barnaby Jones.

Seems to me that death is simply nature's way of telling you to slow

Special guest star Peter Falk as Columbo.

You happen to see a red oriental book written by a name

on the tip of my... tip of my... not the tip of my... no, the tip of my...

Tongue. Yeah.

Tongue. Murchie Tongue.

Pardon me, miss.

Well, if you didn't see it, how do you know who wrote it?

I wouldn't hold you.

For questioning?

Not necessarily.

Also starring David McKillam.

as the Invisible Man.

Where are you?

Extra special co -guest star, Raymond Burr as Ironsider.

I

say,

uh, Mark, do you have any lighter part?

Oh, Chief, I'm the same color all over.

Now,

hold

on a minute, just a minute. My name's Marshall McLeod, and I'm here because

department is reserved.

You're supposed to be here.

Would you mind turning that brain thing off? And hear myself think with that

noise going on over there.

I say, would you mind turning that noise off? I can't...

knows this thing is the perfect crime.

It is quite true.

Yeah, I'll go along with that.

Well, I remember one time in New York we had a fellow rob a bank, didn't leave

no fingerprints nor nothing.

He got cleaned away with over half a million dollars in used notes.

On the way to the getaway car, he got mugged.

Well, we all make mistakes.

We sure do.

Well, I remember one time I followed a platinum blonde in a long black gown for

four blocks.

before I found out it was a high court judge.

The case comes up next Friday.

We in Paris, France, Europe, also have a lot of vice and cream.

Stealing, robbery, burglary, ship lofting, and pot picketing.

Not to mention man's laughter.

Man's laughter?

I said not to mention man's laughter.

Mr. Poirot, I must admit, I find your conversation completely resistible.

But unfortunately, my stomach is beginning to ask if my throat is cut.

If you'll excuse me, I'll just have it along to the dining car.

Oh, pardon me, Sergeant Paparazzi.

Oh, dear. Oh, God, I'm sorry about it. I haven't been so embarrassed as I was

with the President's daughter, examining her magnificent bearer bristles.

Pistols!

The speaker ran across the White House alone.

Oh, they had to convene a specialist ice court for him, and the thing she said

about him... What side?

I don't think she said that, though. I wouldn't care.

I really only wanted a bite, you know. Looks like I'm either going to starve to

death or die of ecstasy. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about this. I hope you won't hold it against me. That's exactly what

am doing.

The pressure was all mine.

Don't you believe it.

Remember my old sheriff?

He used to say, stoop first and ask questions afterwards.

Well, you didn't get many answers that way.

McCloud, do you realize that while you've been sitting there joy, the man

been viciously...

You've been shot 14 times, stabbed 17 times.

Did he have any enemies?

Of course.

He had.

The driver wouldn't keep speeding up and slowing down all the time.

Well, McCloud, you're the only one on duty officially.

Now you just leave everything to me.

Don't pull that chain!

you two fellas know anything about a murder?

Come on, sweetheart.

I'm on vacation, do you mind?

Hey, you don't even hear anything to do with it, do you?

Hey, meathead, tell him what's written on the barrel of your gun.

It says, uh, uh, hold five the other end.

What'd I tell you? Who loves you, baby? You're beautiful.

McCloud, why don't you check who went near the victim's compartment?

Well, I know who went up that way.

I'm gonna... Seem him into confessing, like we did back in Little Creek. I'll

tell him I know everything.

Tell him.

You want to see me, McCloud?

Cannon, I know everything.

You know everything?

Yes, Cannon, everything.

Well, McCloud, I mean, see it my way. I mean, you were away, and your wife was

lonely. I was lonely, and we were...

sexually attracted to each other because she's a very attractive woman. She's

big. God, she's big.

I'm understanding. I have to, but you... I'm sorry about that.

I couldn't help it. But don't that beat him?

You wanted to see me, Marshal?

Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

Everything? Yes, Sergeant Pepper, I know everything.

Oh, sir, sir, I'm not really immoral. It's just that I can't say no to a man

uniform.

I mean, I'm not an infomaniac. At least, I don't think I am. It's just that

smoking makes me feel sexy.

I mean, every time I have a cigarette, I just want to grab the nearest man and

tear all my clothes off. Now, don't you worry about things. It's all right, dear

Sergeant Pepper. You go to your compartment and sit down. I'll be along

-tap in a minute. In the meantime, I'd smoke that.

I know you did.

But I sure as hell am going to.

You want to see me, MacLeod?

Barnaby Jones, I know everything.

Everything? You know everything?

Yes, old -timer, I know everything.

My son!

My son!

My little son!

This has been a...

Barton, Barton, Harton, Larton, and Spargel Productions.

and do a hell of melody and rhythm.

And where have you been?

You've been to put a little fire out all by yourself.

Couldn't have been much of a fire, could it? You ain't got oast pipe.

Did you?

Little fellow like you.

Where was the fire?

No room.

And you managed to reach up there then.

She held it for you.

While your brother was passing water in a bucket to you up the ladder, she held

it for you.

Well done.

And you should be.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, as a tribute to Fire Brigade everywhere, we

you the Fire Brigade songs.

I have got a bell.

I have got a bell.

I have got a bell.

What shall I do with it? Oh,

ding it with your donger. Ding it with your donger. Ding it with your donger

let's pull out the fire.

I have got a ladder.

I have got a ladder.

I have got a ladder. What shall I do with it? Oh,

keep quite still while we climb up. Keep quite still while we climb up. Keep

quite still while we climb up and let's pull out the fire.

I have got a chopper, I have got a chopper, I have got a chopper, so let's

out the fire.

Get it out and chop away, get it out and chop away, get it out and

chop away and let's put out the fire. I have got a hosepipe, I have got a

hosepipe.

Get off the chimney.

Get off the chimney. Get off the chimney and let's put out the fire again.

And not in them the sheriff has made off with all the gold.

If none ever heard.

But the sheriff has been reckoned with that dashing, brave, and bold.

And all wrong.

That is the story of Robin Hood.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us, and we look forward to

you again real soon. Until then, bye -bye, God bless, take care of