Original subtitles

Hey, you! Would you get us a bottle of lemonade? A big one!

Excuse me, sir, but you're not allowed to eat your own food in here.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Excuse us!

This is the Benny Hill Show with this time's Christopher Marvel!

Beautiful look!

me rubber balloons, cried an old man in the street.

But no one cared about his rubber balloons, for a lady had just fainted at

feet. The doctor in the crowd said, I know what to do whenever a young lady

swoons. You must rub her shoulders and cheeks, rub her hands, rub her feet.

And the old man cried out, rubber balloons,

oh, rubber balloons.

I want somebody to buy my rubber balloons.

No! That ain't so... Penny Hill!

Now, to the side of Patrick's leg, there's a big guy known as Jake. Why,

the tough, he leaves the shells on when he swallows clams.

Why, he's the hard and mean and cruel, he darns his socks with steel wool.

And the stupid, he thinks it comes from hydraulic rams.

He's got a name for Courtney Roy, and he sure does hate this boy, because he's a

smart -ass. He's got a quick brain in his head.

Why, he could sell a new disclose, or I screamed Eskimos.

Brett and he could even sell the Pope a double bed.

It's the last one in King when young Leroy ambles in. Says, ain't been this

played since I was a kid.

I see they've done up the saloon, but I sure do miss that old spittoon. And Jake

looks up and says, boy, you always did.

Oh, there's a car that flew in and out that hole.

There he came, there's gonna be a showdown. Man, forget your guns and

And when we both get out of town.

Leroy says, why is he such a louse? Last week I was in his house. He entertained

me royally. I had quite a groove.

And by the side of my plate of ham, I seen a napkin with a monogram.

Well, I thought it was until I saw it move.

And I ain't gonna say he's mean, but outside his house, I seen a man with a

for five days on the run.

Jake says, look, I shoot to kill. Would you swear that was a man with a bill? He

said, well, either that or a duck with a sense and all.

He pushed my grandpa off the roof. He said, you know, that ain't the truth. He

just slipped into the rain barrel with my cousin, Beth.

And for hours, Annette and Carol tried to sort of lift him out of the barrel.

Well, that old boy was ecstasy to death.

Leeroy says you ought to take more care when you go out hunting, Bear.

You shot my prized pig and watched him die.

Jake says, to show my house real big, I'm going to replace your pig.

He says, okay, you'll find the sow out in the stars.

How about Jenny Lark? She claims that one night in the dark, she was raped by

your son Joe. She swears it's true.

He said, if it was dark, then how did she know that it was my son Joe?

He said, because she had to show him what to do.

He puts down his spear. He says, I'm getting out of here.

He wanders off into the night, the black.

Then they see Jake depart and they know that in their heart, only one of them

boys is a coming back.

Jake was buried out of town, just six feet underground.

And they couldn't pin his murder on a soul.

Because he was tying up a knot in his shoelace when he was shot.

And the sheriff never found the bullet hole.

Throw away your guns and tattoos.

This is a real -life people time.

Woo! Woo!

Thank you, family.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Bless you. Jolly nice to be with you once

again. And now we have a treat for sports fans everywhere.

Well, we've got an action -packed programme for you this afternoon.

We've got sailing from hailing, we've got sledding from reading, shooting from

tooting, and carting from... On the football front, we'll be looking at the

midfield players, at the defenders, and of course at the strikers. In

particular, we'll be looking at the defending pair of Burnleys, and then

going to take a good look at this striking pair of Bristol.

Bristol cities.

This was if he wrote it.

We're starting off with cycling, and cycling is the tour de force which comes

you today from Barnsley.

It's just as we expected.

He mucks the Cuban -Irish whirlwind and gets the pack and looks like breaking

his own world record. Just look at that man go.

And here we have the true professional.

Cool, calm, confident.

The liquid lost in perspiration and, uh...

They're extremely good. There's just no stopping this man.

Well,

here are the results of the all -men's inter -services nude leapfrog

competition.

They are Army 99, Air Force 96, Navy...

Two. With leading seaman, Ounce Treader, being disqualified.

Well, now it's time for the Ladies' Bowls Tournament.

Ladies' Bowls Tournament. Tournament. It's come today from Wilchester.

Mrs Cartwright is way out in front of the competition, is very keen. These

ladies are determined that she won't win again this year.

It's time.

It's time now for the athletics from Dimpton. And for the first

time, you're going to be seeing mixed track events.

This is Freda Dobbs with the Todbridge Harriers. And where on she goes is a

lovely sight, is that not?

It's a good one. It's a good one.

But here comes Hamish Hallmark with the Sterling Academicals. And I think he's

going to show them a thing or two today. I'm pretty sure of it. And they seem to

enjoy the audience here. And around he goes.

They seem to be having a little contretemps. One or two members of the

there. Having a good view.

And around he goes.

And he lets go.

And... And here comes Jerry Lucas.

And it's... No, it's not her best. It's not her best at all. No, no.

But I think that Sid Tidworth here will break up a point or two. Here he comes

now.

Now it's time for fishing, for angling, and for the angling we are going over to

Grumble on the Green, where the... To Grumble on the Green, where

Harry Hooker is waiting to tell us all about the fishing. Over to you, happy

Harry Hooker.

As you join us, the news is that Curl Lutter, who won last year's competition,

is not having a very good day.

doesn't seem to have any luck at all.

Well, it's over now to Frampton, and for news of the showjumping, here is Teddy

Tripp.

Where I'm hoping to speak to one of Britain's top showjumpers, Mrs. Biscuit.

Mrs. Mrs., I know there are a lot of horse lovers watching today.

I'm sure there are some very horse lovers watching today.

They shouldn't talk so much, should they?

Don't do that. Oh, I'm sorry.

Could you tell us about yourself?

Well, yes, I could. You see, recently I've got into a rather disgusting habit.

What's that?

This one I'm wearing.

I just use it for cleaning out the stables, that's all.

And your husband?

He's just gone for a pony and trap.

to the boil, you know.

Well, of course, you love it at any time. Oh, any time, yes, I love it any

How long has it been?

Well, it's been different lengths at different times, of course.

I mean, how long has it not been? Since you started show jumping. Oh, I started

when I was 17.

That'd be about eight years ago.

Yes, easy, easy, yes.

And of course, I've got a lovely husband and of course... Lovely darling Harold.

There's no jealousy? Oh, none whatsoever, no, sweet.

Just as long as he gets his oats regular, that's all he worries about.

I was talking about your husband. So was I.

I'm happy to say.

How many hours a day do you ride?

Well, I should think about six hours a day as a rule, yes.

You see, when I ride, I look like part of the horse.

They never say which part, of course.

But really, all those hours each day, bouncing up and down in the saddle,

doesn't it give you a headache?

No, quite the reverse.

Gives the horse a headache.

I know what you're thinking, you naughty television. Don't do that.

And it's Darling Harold who'll be going with you to the Olympics.

Yes, in Canada. I'm so glad, yes. How do you think you'll get on?

Well, I expect my husband will give me a bunker.

Very quickly does, you know, and able to get on to the... In the event.

Yes, well, in any event, I suppose.

Yes, in any event, we will put our best hoop forward, eh?

Over the years, you must have won an awful lot of trophies. Oh, I've won a

of awful trophies, I have, yes.

I've won 24 medals, 12 statuettes, and a shield inscribed to the fastest mare in

Surrey.

Have you ever won a loving cup? No, I've never been in for that sort of

competition.

I didn't know they gave cups for it, do they?

I'm sure I should win one if I went in for one.

I'm sure our viewers would love to see, darling Harold. Do you think, in fact,

you could curse him? No, I'm sorry, because at the moment, you see, I'm just

about to give him his tranquilizing pill, you see. He hasn't been terribly

just lately, you know.

Will he swallow that? He'll swallow anything, yes. No, the thing is, you

have to give him this by a very, very devious method, you see. What I do, you

see, I set this tube here. You see, I place the pill... there, and the other

tube, the end of the tube in his mouth, you see, and I blow, you see, and that's

how he takes the pill. I'll show you. Look.

I'm afraid darling Harold blew fast.

Won't that have an effect on your rum? No, it'll have no effect on me

whatsoever.

Well, I can't stand here talking. I have to look after the stables, and the

world just keeps piling up in there.

In that case, I'll say goodbye.

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try and get Darling Harold just to say

bye -bye for you. Come along, Darling Harold.

No, no, leave Enoch alone.

Never mind about Margaret or Tony.

Yes, I know. Don't do that.

Say goodnight, Darling Harold. Come along.

Thank you. Isn't that lovely? Thank you so much.

Well, it's over now for tennis.

We hope we don't have any incidents like we did last year. You may remember that

the vicar of St. Arthur's last year sat in the front row with a newly -started

collar. He cut his head off.

I hope you don't see anything like that. So we're going to have a look at the

competition, which is for the New Frontiers Bra Cup.

And in particular, we'll be taking a jolly good look at the women's doubles.

Where the Roberts sisters, Terry and Libby, are taking on the Clunk sisters,

Freda and Ada.

Well,

then I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to you, because we won't have time,

unfortunately, talking yet. I know you enjoy it so much. We'll do things again

next week.

Well, that's all.

Everybody, how do you do you do?

We would like to introduce ourselves to you.

People call me Luke because I'm not so hot.

And people call me Tinker because I tinker a lot.

If you're interested,

if you have the time.

We would like to sing you a little nursery rhyme.

Like Jack and Jill went up the hill, a hickory dickory dock.

And Mary had a little lamb and the doctor died of shock.

Hello, Baba Black Sheep, have you any wool?

What the heck do you think that's on me? Back, you silly fool.

We'll turn the black wool into garters for the girls of whom we're fond.

And there were them in memory of those who passed beyond.

Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

It grows very well because I've got a brand new hoe. I put manure on me

manure on me flowers. You put manure on your rhubarb? We have cream on ours.

They didn't attack me with needles, so everybody thinks.

I wonder, did it know that part of his brother was in the string?

And then the cow jumped over the moon, at least that's what we're told.

I expect it was because the farmer's hands were cold.

Oh, was she broken -hearted because he felt her teeth all year and never had

thoughtfulness to say, I love you, dear?

Oh, maybe he had her this, but she swallowed it one day.

And now she's taking Beecham's pill to pass the time away.

We are still two conundrums to tell you all the truth.

What goes second second?

A piddler on the roof.

And now the time has come for us to go, I fear.

So we'll wish you a merry Christmas and a happy birthday.

ago tonight paul finch the famous short -sighted poet typed his last poem

on a machine which had been repaired by an equally short -sighted repairman and

he put the f where the p should be and

he put the p where the f should be however as it is his last poem i

thought tonight you might like to hear it as it was originally written Here it

is, then.

Patricia and Feater.

The final poem of Paul Pinch.

I think you'll like it.

Patricia was just 15 when she fell in love with

feet.

He was fishing in the river.

on his feet.

He speaks first.

Is the water deep here?

About four inches, she replies.

He put his foot in front of him and sank up to his eyes

as he struggled to the surface, covered from head to foot in

muck.

It only comes halfway up my duck.

She noticed he was peeling paint.

So she gripped him by the arm.

He said, are you rich? She said, no, I peed myself.

With poo grown on my palm.

Years passed by.

handsome feet left town.

And so did pretty fat.

She joined the Metropolitan Police Force.

Her pokes were proud of that.

One day, as she was facing up and down, she heard a strange cry in the street.

Someone was flaying a piddle.

In the gutter, there stood feet.

She could tell by the look upon his face.

He was peeling broken heartache.

He said, I've left my wife, you know.

She said, I heard you'd gone.

Please, please. Oh, go away, please, he begged.

She answered him with smiles.

He said, I've been in prison.

She said, I know I've seen your piles.

He said, at least I had food in there.

And over my head a roop.

If I'd have stayed much longer with all those men, I'd have become a raving

foop.

She held his hand as they were wed.

at the chapel up St. Paul's.

They honeymooned in Niagara, and she held him by the paw.

They now have poor children, and a life for them is great.

You just can't free -dict where it will point that pickle.

finger of paint.

A nudist from Notting Hill Gate was pushed into a pond by his mate, and a

tiddler swam by, and he said with a sigh, well, you look what they're using

bait.

Here, I got out of a sick bed to come here tonight.

Yeah? The wife's got flu.

Oh. Here, how do you make antifreeze? I don't know. How do you make antifreeze?

Hide her knickers.

Do you know how to make an elephant fly?

No. Well, you start with a zipper four feet long.

Here, darling.

Do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?

No.

My mother -in -law's broke her leg.

Don't make me laugh. I've got a split lip, ain't I?

The only good thing to come from Leeds is football and loose women.

Here, my wife comes from Leeds.

Oh? What position does she play?

Are you afraid of the big bad wolf?

No. Funny, the other two little pigs were.

Well, that is silly for every woman I've made love to.

What would you do? Buy a packet of crisps?

Why did you take out the piano?

Well, you see, the beer kept falling off me violin.

I said, all right, here, mate. This one's trisexual.

Bisexual? No, trisexual.

She'd try anything.

I was going to put my uncle's death in the arbitrary column of the local paper,

but I couldn't afford it. It was 50p an inch, and he's over six foot tall.

Here.

How do buffaloes make love?

I don't know. My husband's a mason.

This is my wife.

Hello.

What happened to that stupid -looking red -headed scrubber you used to knock a

boat with?

I dyed my hair.

Darling.

Have a peanut.

No, thanks. I don't want to be under obligation.

You won't be under obligation for a peanut.

It's not like a bar of chocolate.

Here.

All you lot, why don't you try Baldo? It's jolly good, you know.

It don't grow hair, but it shrinks your head so that what you've got fits

better.

Here, I say, why don't you let your eyebrows grow long, then you can comb

back. Like that.

Oh, it's smooth.

Yeah, it feels just like my wife's backside.

You're a dodge.

I'll take my tranquilizers and pep pills together.

Yeah, it makes you go out looking for a bird, but if you don't find one, you

couldn't care less.

Hey, look what I found.

Hey, that's mine. That's mine, that is.

Can you prove it to us? Hey, it's got my name inside.

Your name inside.

Hey.

What is your name?

Starling Silver.

Thank you, Jane.

Oh, pardon us.

I was wondering if you would mind if my husband, the Reverend Soames, and I came

in and said a while, get out of the way of this terrible storm.

Why, surely.

Well, that is right and ably of you, I do declare.

Normally, my husband, the Reverend, he likes to see the snow on the ground.

He says the only time our garden looks as nice as the one next door.

I'm Willard Park.

Don't apologize.

And this is my daughter, Grace.

She can play a tune on the bagpipes.

Wow, that's amazing, Grace.

Would the river like to hear a prayer of his?

Well, I'm afraid he's a mite hard of hearing. As a matter of fact, he is so

that last week he conducted a prayer meeting for three hours kneeling on the

cat.

If he has held it up, set the beacon.

The deacon? No, the deacon, dear. You know, our deacon, he's the son of a

bishop. They all are.

I was wondering if you might just have a wee drop of whiskey in the hair.

Oh, for the reverend, surely.

Medicinal purposes only, I do assure you. I have a slight cold.

The world's best scientific brains tell us that whiskey cannot cure the common

cold. Nor can the world's best scientific brains.

So move your ass, dear daughter, she would be so...

Look at it. I'll show you where it is. I would appreciate that.

Nice. She's big.

I like them big.

Now you just keep your cotton -picking hands to yourself and leave her alone.

I was just going to give her a piece of sympathy.

Yeah, and I know your interpretation of that word sympathy.

A little fellow feeling.

Mind, he's quite nice.

He's conceited.

Oh, handsome man, oh.

I'm not.

You have only got to hear a clap of thunder and you go to the window and

bow.

You have only got to go to a roping match and see a scrum and you think

all talking about you.

And look at you, you are about as sexy as a dose of syrup of fags. We interrupt

this broadcast with the news that Bonnie and Clyde, the notorious gangsters,

have been seen in this vicinity.

They are wearing old horn raincoats which they stole from Martin's store.

This was to cover up their own clothes, which consisted of a green dress and a

pinstripe suit.

Your body and pride!

You're the one that's got all that money that belongs to the bank!

Honey, I do assure you I am just as poor as a church mouse.

Why, the only thing I've got between me and the poor house is this little second

-hand pistol that's pointed straight at your head.

Hang on a minute. And go and get the sheriff. I think I'll come with you,

Willard. What? And leave her alone in here with him?

Why, now, you don't think that anything untoward would happen, do you?

Why, honey, you ain't scared about being molested.

I mean, you ain't afraid of having your lovely body fondled, are you? No, I

ain't scared.

I was talking to him.

I ain't scared. You see, he ain't scared.

Yeah, but he could lock the door and have his way with her.

Why, he wouldn't do a thing like that. He's too fine. He's too decent.

He's too damn old, that's true.

Why, do you know his last birthday party, the candles cost more than the

Did you count them?

I tried to, but the heat drove me back.

Well, all the time you look normal is Halloween.

She got her face lifted, and when they saw what was underneath, they let it

again.

And look at that figure.

There's a kangaroo with all the kids home.

Why, you don't know nothing. Last week he went fly fishing and he came back

a seven pound blue bottle.

He is just plain ignorant.

I went to school, stupid.

And you come out the same way and all.

My mum's too big.

Whenever she smiles, she gets lipstick in her ears.

My mama does not have a big mouth.

Your mama sleeps with her false teeth in the bucket.

When I have that, your mama, I could put both my hands in your mama's mouth up

to my elbows and still wind my wool.

I never did.

You don't think much of us small town folk.

Who don't?

You, you city slickers.

Why, honey, I ain't no city slicker.

Why, the town I come from is so small, we had to widen the main road to put a

white line down the middle.

Just a one -horse town.

And there was two butchers farting over him, too.

Why, you know, my mama and papa were so poor, they couldn't afford to buy me

clothes. I had to run around the house naked till I was 15.

Then what?

They bought me a hat so I could look out the window.

And then one day, I met Horace.

Oh, he was wonderful, Horace. You see, we had a big house in the front and he

had a flat behind.

He bought me a lovely new dress.

It was low at the back and low at the front, and I was so excited I could

contain myself.

He used to do bird impersonations. You know, they were so realistic, I was

afraid to look up.

And I think of him doing them bird impersonations where I can almost smell

custard.

And then one day we quarreled about the wedding plans. You see, I wanted a white

wedding with a lovely white dress and bridesmaids and everything, and he

to call the whole damn thing off.

I was just unlucky, I guess.

You know, the only time we ever made love was on the waterbed, and I got

seasick.

Then I left, and his house burned down, and he was poached to death.

Very sad.

You know, I sometimes think that I'm so unlucky, if it was raining soup, I'd

have a fork.

My. Well, that's brought a little color back to your cheeks now, hasn't it, eh?

It's green, but it's color.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks kindly.

Is my face dirty or is my imagination?

Well, your face is clean. I don't know about your imagination.

What in heaven's name are you doing there?

Goodness gracious.

We ain't got no money.

Why, now, you didn't think we was going to rob you now, did you?

We just wanted somewhere to hold up for the night.

For the night?

You see, he's got to get up early tomorrow morning before the bank opens.

here, but you see, we only got two beds. So you gotta give me your word of honor

that you'll sleep with my daughter and your partner here will sleep with me,

because we're mighty moral folks around these parts.

Well, now, Willard, I wouldn't have it any other way.

That is our no remote way of carrying on.

Thank you kindly. Now, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna let you lock the

door and you can keep the key now. How about that?

Oh, thank you.

It's okay. Now, is everything shut up? Yeah.

Everything else is.

Good night, Pa.

Good night, Grace.

welcome the delectable

Thank you. Thank you.

You pregnant again?

No, Pa, I'm just carrying it for a friend.

Good morning. I'd like to buy a brazier for the wife, please.

What size?

Fifteen.

Fifteen? Yes. What did you measure it with?

Me bowler hat.

Two seven and a half.

I say, do you know Bishop's Walk?

Well, it's good for them.

2043, 2044, 2045.

You pregnant again?

No, Paul.

I just got a pain in my stomach. Only the doctor said if I stick it out till

o 'clock, he'll give me some pills.

I call one of my dogs Greyhound on account of he's the greyest.

I call another dog Happy on account of he's the gayest. I call the big dog

on account of he's the meanest.

And I call the pup Liberace on account of he's the pianist.

With today's recipe, and here's a nice tasty dish for you. Spicy young chicken

with lovely dumplings.

To follow, cling peaches in jelly.

All nice and wobbly. So while you get your pencils out, here is a musical

medley.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you all for being with us, and we look forward to seeing you all again

soon. Until then, bye -bye. God bless.