Original subtitles

Don't jump, my son.

Think of your wife and family.

I am.

That's why I'm jumping.

Think of the flowers of the field. You like flowers, don't you?

They give me a fever.

Think of music. Think of how you love music.

Time to guess.

Think of next Saturday.

Of going to Elland Road and seeing our beloved Leeds United play.

I hate Leeds United.

I'm a Liverpool fan.

Well, Flamingwell, jump then.

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show with a host of your favourite stars, Liza

and Charles Haskell.

Won't you stay in my arms? I like it with the feet, not with the... With the

with the neck. Don't smile against my skin.

I like it with the heart.

Don't let the music stay.

I like it with the heart.

That day.

Old -fashioned way.

Just makes me love...

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. It's wonderful to be here. Now, I'm sure that

we have some ex -servicemen in the audience. So would any ex -servicemen,

kindly, like you, sir. Thank you very much. Now, I wonder if you'd be kind

enough, sir, to think of your number, your ex -service number.

And I'm going to write it down here now because I think that it's...

That's what I think

it is, sir.

Now then, I'm going to ask you, sir, if you would, to tell me what that number

was.

14332308. Well, how about that?

Well, I never did.

There we are, sir.

1433...

or something.

Well, she was the first little thing I ever saw.

You know, her smile just left me reekin' lookin' for a chance to speak. I turned

to see this tomcat lickin' in its paws.

So I pointed to the cat and said, I'd like to see you doin' that.

Lulabelle, she just up and slapped my face.

Cause from the time she turned and saw that old tomcat on the floor, the stupid

cat was lickin' some other place.

But I'd take a train, drive a truck, ride a mule, and

fly a duck.

And I get the wind.

Take me to my lovely little pal.

Little, little pal.

Lovely little pal.

Now, she's milking a cow one day when a farmer came her way. He said, pardon me,

miss, could you tell me the time?

She didn't understand.

She just held that udder in her hand.

And she said, I reckon it's about five to nine.

He said, if you can tell the time of day by lifting them teats up in that way.

See, you must be a real old farming stock.

She said that ain't the reason why, but if I lift them up real high, I can see

across the road to the town hall clock.

But I'd take a train, drive a truck, ride a mule, catch a

flying duck, get a balloon, and I'd get the wind to take me to my lovely little

pal.

My lovely little pal.

Must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that.

Now, she doesn't do things by heart. She's got a lovely pair of calves, but

lets the local farmhands all inspect them.

Now, when she goes out on dates with a pair of 38 and takes along a pair of 45,

she protects them.

She thought she'd look real good if she stuffed her hair inside a snood. She put

it on the second that she bought one, and from the back, I swear to God, she

looked like she was torn for cards. From the front, she looked just like she'd

caught one.

Hey, uh, train.

Grab a truck.

Howdy, mule.

That's a flying duck.

Get a balloon.

Then I get the wind.

Take me to my lovely little bell.

Lovely little bell.

Don't get many of those to a pound.

Take me to my lovely little bell.

How about that, then?

How about that?

And now, friends and neighbors, for all of you who feel that feature films on

television do not capture the magic of the cinema, here is a film that surely

does.

Thank you.

there anything in it looks at mind reading and clairvoyancy.

Can we read people's minds?

Is it possible to foretell the future?

Let's find out from our expert, Mr. Fred Scuttle. Good evening, viewers.

Mahatma Scuttle, if you don't mind, sir.

Peace on you.

the septics alike.

You are very well. How am I?

In answer to your question, sir, about three years.

How long have you been reading people's minds?

Very well, sir. If you wish, it's a gift.

Would you say it's a gift?

Not just this.

That's remarkable.

It is.

How could you read the audience's mind just like that?

Not on a family show, sir.

Not there. No, I wouldn't.

But my partner stands there. Cancer.

Oh, pinch me body.

Prince my body.

He reads minds, foretells the future. He does everything he does for us. Well,

do you think you might trot him out?

He's not a bloody racehorse, you know.

He's a serene highness.

A prince.

Respected and revered. See those up.

I should put it up. Yes,

Ella. You could have fooled me.

Here he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, I... Sorry, son.

I give you Prince Mibati. Here he is. There he is, sir, you see.

If I had time, I'd tell you his full Himalayan name, sir. He's only small,

he's beautifully marked, you know, sir.

He's got a long one.

You see, when a couple marry out in Himalaya, sir, that is when they

name their firstborn, you see. They throw all the gold and silver wedding

presents up in the air, and when they hit the ground, they go, bing, dong,

dong, ding, dong, bang, dong, and that's his name.

I just call him Prince Mabotti. He knows everything he does, sir.

He's got a sixth sense.

There's no sign of the other five, he must have.

You see, he's completely uninhabited, sir.

He does in case no flies on him, you know.

You can see where they've been.

You see, sir, his brain has actually baffled scientists, sir.

Doctors, vets, sanitary inspectors.

I see.

Do you?

Of course, who does? I'll tell you that, sir.

You see, authorities, sir, they wanted to certify him, sir. They said he was

potty, sir. And him earning £500 a week.

In cabaret?

Yeah. They called him Cabaret's Fruit and Nutcase.

even went so far as to imply that he was one of them male witches.

Warlocks. That's what I said, sir.

Would you like a demonstration, sir, of his prowess? He's had permission.

And we will give you the revelations of the 1980s. Mind

his vest.

It's on iron.

Rama Rama.

Krishna Rama.

Panorama.

Empty your mind. There's a dustbin.

Now relax.

You understand? Relax.

Yes. A little piece of dark chocolate.

He's seen the exorcist three times, he has, sir.

I don't know what possessed him.

There he goes. No one knows all...

but warlocks know more than most.

He's going, sir. Does he meditate?

I've never caught him at it, sir.

He's beginning to go, sir. He has studied all the Eastern religions, sir.

What does he feel about butter?

He can't tell the difference.

He's still in there, sir. I think he's ready. I think he's ready, sir. Stand by

for the revelations of the 1980s. In 1980...

Who will scoop the pools and stand as Conservative candidate for St Albans?

Hugh Scanlon.

I can't speak, can't lie.

Who will become a stripper at Raymond's Review Bar?

Mary Whitehouse.

And who will be in the front row every night yelling, get them off?

No one.

Move to Chelsea.

Now then, what will happen to this gentleman's eight -year -old son?

He will swallow a live bullet.

And what will this gentleman do?

Put him to bed and sing him a lullaby.

And what lullaby will he sing him?

Praise the Lord. and pass the ammunition.

Are there any other hints you can give him?

Yes.

Don't point him at anyone.

In 1980, what will happen to this gentleman's father?

He'll go to Australia.

Bravo. Ah, now there I've got you.

My father died ten years ago.

The man your mother married died ten years ago. Your father is going to

They can't do that. They can't do that. I'm afraid that we must end this

investigation into extrasensory perception.

Good night.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, sir!

Sir! The chief clerk just raped me!

Well, I can't do everything, Miss Jones. Can I?

Remember, darling, when we get married, we'll have to keep our marriage a secret

on account of all my fans.

But supposing we have a baby?

Oh, we're told a baby.

Larry said it.

I thought he was just flirting with them.

Yeah, so did he.

My dad taught me to swim when I was only three.

Took me down a lake and threw me in.

I wouldn't have minded, only everybody else was skating.

Sometimes I think you love Arsenal more than you love me.

I love Real Madrid more than I love you.

What a lovely holiday in France we had.

Normandy. My uncle lost a leg in Normandy.

Oh, we never found it.

And I must remember not to offer him a drink.

Why not?

Well, he's the chairman of the temperance league.

No, he's the chairman of the anti -baseline.

Oh. I knew there was something I shouldn't offer him.

Oh,

stop telling lies.

I don't believe you.

I said, how can we open a brothel?

When we had the pub, we couldn't sell beer.

How are we going to sell broth?

Our Catholic partner knows more than your rabbi.

Of course. You tell him everything.

Now, this old man went to this doctor, see, and the doctor said, you've only

a year to live.

So he went to four other doctors, and they all told him the same thing.

Now he's got five years, isn't he?

Your mum reads the nudist weekly?

Yes. Shoney takes it for the spot the bull competition.

Lost two fingers when he worked at that sawmill.

Didn't notice till he said goodnight to the foreman.

No, I work on a stud farm, not collar studs.

Like, I have to take the bull to the cow so he can, you know.

I'd have thought that would have been a job for the farmer.

No, it has to be a bull.

I like that mate Shonen.

Next year, he's going to be our best man.

Oh, Claude, this is so sudden.

Wait till I tell my man.

Why don't you get a job?

What for?

So you can make some money.

What for?

Well, you could open a bank account and save.

What for?

Then you would be rich and could retire.

You wouldn't have to work anymore.

I'm not working now.

Ask the doctor to give him something to make him sweat.

Did he? Yeah, find him off.

I say, would you... Mind coming back to your place and spending the night? Love

to. No, would you... Marry you?

Of course, love to.

No, would you mind lending me a quid?

How dare you? I hardly know you.

Funny woman.

I wonder if you've noticed occasionally that some drama series seem to be using

the same plot.

I wonder what some of these series would do with the story of Jack and Drew.

You know,

Sandy, I'm... Very worried about Jill.

Haven't you heard from her yet?

No, Sandy, I'm afraid I haven't.

Hello, missy.

Good God, what on earth's that?

Hello, Barry. I see your back.

That's not my back.

Not your back at all. That's the front, that is. Of a woman, I think.

I don't suppose you've heard anything from Jill?

Not since she went up the hill with that Jack.

Jack? That's the chap who hangs around outside the motel. He went to the bar

day and I twinked him in the ass with his dinner line.

What, that chap who lives in that filthy old hut at the top of the hill?

Yeah, he's quite happy up there.

He's got Anita in there.

Anita who?

Not Anita who.

Anita! An oil eater!

But why did she want to go up to the top of the hill with Jack?

Well, she said it was to get a pail of water.

Great Scott put a loan up there on the hill with him. Well, anything could

happen. I mean, he could molest her.

Oh, come on, missus. How could he molest her with a pail of water in his hand?

Oh, she could hold it for him.

Anyway, I've written her a note I have because I learned to write now. What did

you say?

You don't know I ain't learned to read yet.

Well, some words I have, because the note she left for me, I... I... I... I

meant some of the words on that. Careful with that where you're going, will you?

She says he's very well off if she says he's got his own cannery.

He's got a canary.

Well, anyway, it's frankly that lovely picture.

Don't tell me that that is... I mean... But who is it?

Look at the bottom.

There ain't no bottom there to look at.

I don't know.

Ah.

Jill, there's Jill there.

Oh, God, how could she do a thing like that?

Here, hang on, missus.

She never posed for that picture like that she told me about. She never posed

like that for that picture.

Thank heavens for that.

Oh, he done that from memory.

Sandy, I'm still worried about Jill.

We've got more trouble with our old friends, the Diplomacy Paris Council.

Apparently, one of their ratepayers, who's known as Jack, is living with a

called Jill.

But unfortunately, she's not his wife.

And the local water authority do not approve.

So they sent a man round to cut it off.

The water, that is.

And, um, unfortunately, he only half finished the job, and she's now having

live with a constant drip.

It's on the water authority.

What about their tap?

What about it?

It's dripping.

Well, dip your bread in it.

They've jammed the faucet. It'll never get well if you force it.

They're threatening to picket your offices.

It'll never get well if you picket.

Jack and Jill were obliged to trudge half a mile up the nearest hill to fetch

pail of water.

Where Trader G stuck again.

He slipped and fractured his skull.

Trader G?

And not wishing to overburden the already ailing National Health Service,

consulted their local paper.

Where, amongst adverts like, a lady with bow legs wishes to meet man with

mallet. Object, a croquet.

Man wanted for dynamite factory, must be willing to travel.

And wanted, a barmaid with no bad habits, willing to learn.

They found this.

For fractured skulls, try Grimshaw's vinegar and brown paper.

Send £1 .50.

You'll be delighted.

Well, they did, and they weren't. So we phoned up and asked Starson's Vinegar.

Supposing I cut my head, what would be the result of putting vinegar on it?

It would make it smart.

Well,

certainly one good thing has come out of all this. It has inspired our old

friend Cyril Fletcher to write an odd ode.

Cyril?

Oh, to come it up, pin back your luggles.

This is the tale of teenage Jill, whose exploits made her mother ill.

While on a picnic one hot day, she said, I think I'm in the family's way.

So while Mum talks with Uncle Mac, I'll nip off with me boyfriend Jack.

My Ma said, you be careful, Duck.

Remember Cousin Maud's bad luck.

There's more in that bulge around her waist.

but never went in through her face.

We'll climb the hill, said Jill, quite gay.

And Jack said, let's go all the way.

Then realising he said more than he ought to, added to fetch a pail of

It was so hot and a pail of water's all he got.

As he ran with it through the grass, he slipped and fell down on his head aloft.

And to add to Jill's distress, the water soaked right through her dress.

She murmured, Oh, don't some mothers have them? You've dampened my

She took Jack home, put him to bed, put vinegar and brown paper round his head,

took off her wet dress, green as clover, and said, Oh, look, I'm barefoot all

over.

The ma came in, let out a shriek, and said, Oh, don't say you've done a

And what's Jack doing in your bed?

So daughter Jill, with cheeks bright red, told Mama all that occurred.

And she didn't believe a bloody word.

Well, that's all for now.

But we're going to leave you with some good news.

The government are going to nationalise crime to make sure that it doesn't pay.

Good night.

Rocker! He would have gone bumping with his own genuine Picasso. Come on, will

you? He's going to get handed down by his father.

Yeah. He's holding a letter when the cops arrive, too.

Say, what are we doing about this, huh?

Uh, we've got 11 of them behind bars already.

Oh. And, uh, we're out picking up the other guy now.

Look, neat head, these are 12 different pictures of the same guy. What are you

going to tell your fellas?

Well, maybe we could tell them they're a jury.

Sheesh. Hey, Clancy, did you check my tie?

Sure, you still got fours.

I hear the fellas don't know anything you guys don't even suspect.

Ho, ho, ho.

And what do we have here?

Uh, we figure out he might have witnessed a murder.

Okay, talk.

You can't make me talk. I'm no stupid pigeon.

Sweetheart, come here, baby.

You know deep down in your heart of hearts where it really counts that any

I like, I can put you away for robbery, fraud, grand larceny, petty larceny,

rape.

Well, attempted rape.

A thought with a friendly weapon, shall we say.

Okay. The journey from the Salvation Army, not to mention murder.

Murder? I said not to mention murder, didn't I?

Get on there, George. Come on, come on, come on.

I'll hate myself in the morning. You can sleep till lunchtime.

It was this gal, Jill, I think he called her, and this guy, Jack.

Oh, we think maybe this is the murder weapon.

What do you know, an English cricket bat.

Why does it have such a big handle?

Gee, I could have got a human being for the same price.

What's this?

I thought you might like to use it for evidence.

I don't want to use it for anything.

Where have you been?

In the lab.

You have to spend all day in there?

You're a lousy act of folly, you know that?

No, lady, I do not have time to go and look for your dog.

Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

Your dog can't read.

Why?

Is this the 17th Precinct?

No, lady, that is my backside.

That's the guy.

Is that your name, Jill?

Yes.

What's a terrible place like that doing on a nice kid like you?

I think I got it when Jack kicked the bucket.

You mean he's dead?

No meathead.

She was being literal.

She was not using a metaphor.

A what?

A metaphor.

I think I know what he metaphor.

He asked me to meet him up on the hill.

Did he tell you what for?

He said it was to get a pail of water.

And you believed him?

Oh, you crazy kid.

They found a guy.

It's in the intensive care unit. At first they thought it was you, Stavros.

You mean like Bob I built?

Yeah.

Curly hair?

Yeah.

Brown eyes?

No, blue.

Ah, then it wasn't me.

Thank God he's all right.

It was an accident, I tell you. Why, I wouldn't hurt anyone as kind and

considerate as Jack.

Like, if anyone's kind to me, I'd do just anything for them.

Anything at all.

Thank you.

You won't believe me.

Up there on that hill, anything could happen.

No one would know it's deserted up there.

Crocker, I want you to hold that guy as a material witness.

I'm taking this young kid, this poor little kid who's suffered so much, I'm

taking her up to the top of the hill.

And if we have to spend all night up there, I'm going to find that bucket and

search it for fingerprints. Come on.

But the bucket's right here.

Then we'll take it with us.

It was a fire in her dressing room last night, you know.

Took two hours to put out the fire.

Four hours to put out the fireman.

You know,

she's very high class.

She won't eat a hot dog unless it is registered with Krupp.

Church upon the hill.

She only goes out with the upper set.

She leaves the lower set in the little glass for the side of the bed.

And there we'll stand hand in hand when all is still.

She say to me, I do all my washing in ties.

I say, why you do your washing in ties? She say, too damn cold outside.

my wife, I seen your mother off at the station. She said, why are your hands so

dirty? I said, I've been balling the engine.

I'll love you the rest of my life.

You know, a woman like that could ruin a man if he was lucky.

I like her costume.

It barely fits.

I like her shoulders.

We like her eyes.

You'll be a duck.

Lend me some money.

Go and get stopped.

Say that you'll be mine and we will dine by candlelight.

She's reading a book called The Naked and the Dead.

Reminds me of my wife.

And I will hold you in my arms all through the night.

You know, she's wearing so much perfume, if she stands still, she leaves a

puddle.

That's what the public wants, new faces.

I know for certain tonight you'll be mine.

You know something, Juan?

My wife is crazy.

She won't send money to the inland revenue because we live on the coast.

She's like a vacuum cleaner with teeth.

Yesterday, she had boiled potatoes and custard, gefilte fish fingers, sweet and

sour tripe, and jelly and chips.

All in the same day?

All in the same place.

She said to me, what shall I have to wash it down?

I say, how about Niagara Falls?

There's a knock at the door. I say, who is it? She says, Jack the Ripper.

I say, it's for you, dear.

Another knock at the door. I say, who is this? He says, Jack the Ripper. I says,

I gave already.

Jack the Ripper is not dead. He's doing my laundry.

You know, I have the same laundry, one for five years, and I never lost a

button.

Sleeves.

Collars, but never a button.

You got a trouble with you, one?

You talk too much.

St. Paul's, don't off -talk a load of rubbish.

He calls his skinny wife, my lovely Helen.

She parades around in fancy clothes like she's got a nasty smell underneath her

nose. And half the time, he looks like what she's smelling.

He visited Squire last Saturday.

He says, I'm starting a charity for the less fortunate brethren of our town.

People who've had it cushy like you have got a duty to do, so I hope you idle

rich won't let me down.

He said, hang on. on a minute, chum. He says, my old dad and mum had to bring me

up in a shack ten miles from Reading.

She says, the day that I was born I had taluses on my hands through trying to

hang on till after the wedding.

He says, we never had no fancy clothes all smelling like a rose fawned on by

some high -class nurse or nanny. My dad worked down the pit and he'd come home

covered in soot.

Till I was 12, I thought he was a Pakistani.

He'd come home at half past eight and he'd have a bath in front of the grate

the kitchen with his clothes all over the place.

He'd stand there naked as can be.

And my mum would start crying because she could see ruination staring her in

face.

I remember my mum one day saying Auntie Jean's just passed away so she won't be

staying for the weekend after all.

So, son, you'd better pop down to the corner shop and ask if they'll take back

the toilet roll.

And just a week ago, my half -sister Flo, at the same time, got locked jaw

open cough.

We got our uncle Saul to rub her back with alcohol and she broke her neck

to suck it off.

There's my poor cousin Hugh trying to make a bobble too, scraping the

off the bottoms of boats and barges.

And Aunty Maud, and she's an old maid, gets obscene calls on her hearing aid.

And some of the dirty swines reverse the charges.

It's my young nephew Ron, he's trying to get on. I caught him with his boss's

wife when they was kissing.

To me, that little twit was like a snake hissing in a pit.

And I knew him when he didn't have a pit to hiss in.

my poor cousin Harry's wife has started leading an immoral life.

Her first night out was something really sordid. She'd come home with 100 quid

and 50p.

And Harry says, quite naturally, well, who gave you the 50p? She says, they all

did.

And my poor auntie Vi, still having to economise, right from the time she wakes

up and switches her alarm off.

Three quid she had to pay for a giant deodorant spray.

One squirt, it blew her bloody arm off.

Can they all expect money from me?

Vicar says, ah, now I see you support your relatives. What a generous thing to

do. He said, that ain't the point, my friend.

He said, I don't give nothing for them, so I sure as hell ain't giving nothing

to you.

There.

Under the age of ten.

How do you account for that?

Well, he comes back now and again to apologize.

way it was.

Now, you know, a lot of people think that I'm trying to get my hands on their

money. You know, that just isn't true. I'm not trying to get my hands on their

money. How anybody could think that I'm trying to get my hands on anything that

is not rightfully mine, I shall never know.

But enough politics.

Here's a very, very lovely young lady with a lovely voice.

Her name is Dilys Watling, so let's give her a big hand, shall we?

Yes,

it was yourself you were involved in.

I would have sworn it was me.

I might have found out sooner if you'd only...

me close enough to see that ain't no way to treat

a lady no way to treat your baby your woman your friend

that ain't no way to treat a lady no way

maybe it's the way for us to end

There's a funny kind of consolation keeping me sane.

And I'd really like to share it crawling deep in my brain.

See the way you never felt me loving you. I need a new leap in

you now. You still won't know how to feel the pain.

I was only being a picture.

With all the colors I know.

While you were busy looking into wide blue mirrors and loving

the show.

That ain't no way to treat a lady, no way to treat your baby, to

be a woman, your friend.

a way for us to end that ain't no way to treat a

lady no way to teach a baby your woman your friend

that ain't no way to treat a lady no way

maybe it's a way for us to end

but maybe

for us to end.

I fell in love with a Mexican girl.

Nighttime would find me in Rosa's cantina.

Music would play and Felina would play.

Blacker than night in the eyes of Santa.

My love

was for this Mexican lady.

I was in love.

Wild as the West Texas wind.

Dashing and daring the drink he was sharing with wicked Felina, the girl

loved. So in anger I challenged his right for the love of the state.

Down went his hands to the gun that he wore.

My challenge was answered and left.

and a heartbeat, the man came straight through the desert door.

Just for a moment I stood there in silence, shocked by the foul evil deed I

done.

Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there. I had but one chance and

that was to run.

Out through the back door of the roses I ran.

Out where the horses were tied.

I caught a good one. I found it's back and away I did ride.

Just as fast as I could from the West Texas town of El Paso. Out to the

badlands of New Mexico.

gone in life nothing is left it's been so long since I've seen

the unmade my love is stronger than my fear of death

I saddled up and away I did go riding

alone in

Tonight nothing's worse than the pain in my heart.

And that last year when I'm on the hill overlooking El Paso, I can see

Rosa's cantina below.

My love is strong and it pushes me onward. Down up the hill to Felina I go.

Up to my right I see five -mounted cowboys.

Up to my left, right, a dozen or more.

Shouting and shooting, I can't let them stop me. I have to make it through this

again.

Something is dreadfully wrong, for I feel a deep burning pain in my side.

I'm getting weary, I need something to ride.

But my life is more cleaner and strong, and I rise when I'm falling. Though I am

weary, I need something to rest.

I see the white puff of smoke from the right.

I feel a bullet go deep in my chest.

She's in my cheek and she kneels by my side.

Cradle bites and rubbing arms that I'd die for.

One little kiss and Felina goes.

back with you all once again, and we hope to see you all very, very soon.

then, bye -bye, and look after yourselves.