Original subtitles

This is mighty, this is the final, mighty for men. The one that gives non

24 hours of aid protection.

Mighty, the deodorant for men.

It's mighty strong, it's right for men.

For mighty men.

Mark,

I can't get my arm down.

Mark, I can't go home like this.

Mark!

It's the Benny Hill Show with a host of all -time favorites, Milligan and Music.

Well, it is one of those songs that you hear now and then. You don't know just

where and you don't know just when.

It's one of those songs that is over and then.

One of those songs that is over and then. One of those songs that is over

then.

Unlabeled duo.

El Paso. One morning about half past ten, had me a beer and some pork and

beans, and then I blew out again.

After her, she was stood in the doorway.

She was one of the real high -class sort, and the perfume she wore was

Toujours L 'Amour, and it cost them near ten cents a quart.

For this was the Rose of El Paso, with the red rambling rose in her hair.

But as I drew closer, I saw with surprise that the red rose was growing

She told me that she lived with her parents and her pet crocodile feeder and

Mike. I said, where the heck do your crocodiles sleep? And she said, anywhere

that they like.

One day she ran in from the forest where her face had been scarred by a bear.

So the surgeon, he grafted on some of my skin.

from a place where I've plenty to spare.

Now when she thanks me for saving her beauty, I'll say there is no need to

speak, because I'm amply rewarded each time that I see your mother kiss you on

the cheek.

I won't marry the Rose of El Paso, for my family motto forbids.

It's okay, I'm sure, with my ma and my pa, but it would upset my wife and

forgive.

It's the actual blowpipe that the abos, well, they're called abos, isn't it, use

when they're out killing the kangaroos. They actually use that blowpipe.

Well, they don't anymore. Here we go. But now they pursue much more, what do

call it, peaceful pastimes, and they make these absolutely splendid

And if you've never heard of didgeridoo, it's really right out of this world.

It's got a sound, all of its sound, I'll give you a rough idea of what it sounds

like. It sounds like this.

I say, Mark, the dart's poisonous.

Oh, Lord, who's going to suck the poison out? Me! Me!

Me! Me!

Me!

Molly, Molly, you won't believe it.

Miriam and I have got a son, a little boy.

Would you believe it? After six daughters, our son, a little boy.

Does he look like you or Miriam?

I don't know. We haven't looked at his face yet.

One of the most beautiful things, one of the most beautiful sights that you find

anywhere in the world is the sunset out in the outback. It really is one of the

most beautiful... Now, with the aid of the younger generation,

I'd like to give you a rough idea of what it looks like. It really is

beautiful because up here you have that great big yellow ball there, that great

ball of fire up there. It's blazing away throughout the...

Throughout the day, it's blazing away, and that, of course, is the sun, and it

casts a big black shadow, this great deep black shadow, all the way...

I'm

speaking to you from Thames Television, where I'm hoping

to talk to one of the hard -working producers responsible for their enormous

output.

Good evening, sir.

Thank you, Miss Goossens. That will be all.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.

I have with me now Mr.

Frederick Forsythe Scuttle, DBTC.

DBTC. Don't bend the card.

Mr. Scuttle, what new programme have you got to tickle the viewers' fancies in

the coming year?

I don't think we're going to tickle their fancies so much as chill their

With? with a brand new series of horror plays, starting with Tales of Misery and

Imagination by Edgar Allan Flowerpots, followed very swiftly by The

Monster from Beneath the BBC, played by Robin Day.

He will wear a mask. Oh, yes, sir. We don't want to upset the kids, do we,

And then a resumption...

Of our very successful trilogy in four parts called Truth is Stranger Than

Friction.

You believe that? I certainly do, sir. Let me ask you something, sir. Do you

think it is strange that in a cat's fur there are only two holes?

Very conveniently placed where his eyes are.

Does it not seem strange to you, sir?

That just enough occurs each day to fill every newspaper in the world.

You're thinking out of yourself.

When God created man, glasses hadn't been invented, but look where he put our

ears.

And I'll tell you, sir, there are actually words in existence, sir,

words, which foretell the future.

It's true, sir.

The unknown, sir. The first one's been out. Did you not see it, sir? What is it

about? It is about a frustrated furrier from Felixstowe

who has crossed a mink with a gorilla and produced a ready -made fur coat.

But the sleeves are too long.

That's what upsets him, sir.

Also, his wife put Lenore in his bath.

Not the girl, Lenore. She poured some Lenore in.

And everything came out soft and fluffy.

Also, sir, he has an assistant called Weirdo, who's a very strange -looking

sir. He once sent off for a mail -order haircut, and they sent him back the

wrong head.

That upsets him, sir. And he has what we in the trade call an Edie -puss

complex. Edie -puss? He hates cats.

Where did he get it? Out of Reader's Digest.

Now then, sir, one day he is driving up the M12 when he suddenly and

mysteriously takes an O -turn.

An O -turn? It starts off as a U -turn, but he changes his mind.

And he ends up outside a taxidermist's house. Now, as he arrives there, the

taxidermist is just stuffing a chicken into the oven.

The door is opened by his young daughter, and when she sees this

front of her, she lets out a startled cry, sir. So horrible, sir. And as he

rushes past her in the doorway, sir... She feels hysterical? Never lays a

on him, sir.

When he gets inside, sir, he sees on his workbench an uncompleted

Siamese cat.

It's half finished. Completely Siamese, sir.

Seeing this cat, sir, seems him absolutely mazurka, sir.

Completely burlesque, he goes.

He picks up an iron bar and he advances towards the cat. The man says, what are

you going to do to that Siamese cat, mate? He says, I'm going to give it a

bangcock.

He knocks the stuffing out of it, sir. You see, sir, this attack upon the cat.

You see, reads him of his fear of cats, but ipso facto, cum granum cilia,

on in suarci mali... Hans, watch it.

He instills into him the belief that he himself is a cat, you see, sir.

Does this have any effect on his life?

Of course it does, you great pillock.

I mean, the larder's full of fish eggs and the bath's full of milk. He never

takes a bath, sir, because he's like a cat in every way, you see. How does he

clean himself?

With great difficulty.

That was the scene that got us the Oscar, you know, sir. The critics liked

The critics liked it.

The Exchange and Mark said, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not

have believed it.

The West End magazine, arts and farces.

It makes old Calcutta look like a blue Peter.

The TV Times referred to it as poetry in motion.

And the Sydney Herald said, a feast for the eyes, a treat for the ears, good on

your cobblers.

Those are things they like to do.

What about new talent?

Oh, we've got a load of that, sir.

Yes, we've got a programme full of it, which I can see it.

It's marvellous, sir. Coming on now.

Hang on. It'll be up there any second.

Yum!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Achoo! Be the races.

Do you lose?

How much?

Ten pounds?

Hundred pounds?

Thousand pounds?

If I lost a thousand pounds, I think I'd cut my throat.

Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome the

Diana Darby!

It's oh so nice to go travelling to Paris.

London and Rome, it's oh so nice to go traveling.

But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to go home.

It's very nice to just wander the camel route to

Iraq. It's oh so nice to just wander.

But it's so much nicer, yes, it's oh so nice to wander back.

Thank you.

Thank you.

and give your head a Persian hug climb

up the wall climb up the wall

climb up the wall

Love him!

But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home.

No more customs.

Burn those passports.

No more packing.

I'll stay at home with you.

But the one overriding ambition of Ernest Potts and his gang

was to commit the perfect crime.

They had indulged in all forms of criminal activity without success,

I might add.

They tried their hands at petty larceny.

robbery. Give me the money!

Give me the money!

Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!

me the money!

Give me the money!

Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!

Give me the money!

Give me the money!

Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!

me the money! Give me the money! And then one day, Ernest Potts saw a film

confidence tricks.

something on your face, I meant a stocking or a mask.

Not brute for men.

Even if it does suit you. I mean, your own family is the same. It was your

grandfather. Confessed to a life of crime on his deathbed and then got

When he was down in the factory, he was on strike for three weeks before anyone

noticed it.

And that dog of yours, you told me you trained it. I yelled ill and he bloody

well bit it.

so you don't take care of yourself. When you snatch the old lady's handbag, you

give yourself a hernia.

You'll end up like Porky Potmore, you will. He was just like you, abby -go

-lucky, full of fun.

He wasn't single one day, and the next morning at 11 o 'clock like that, he was

married.

out about your fiancée, can I? She gone and got her finger stuck in a zipper.

Well, I don't mean to say you've got to stay with her, does it?

Oh, does it?

Well, you'll have to bring her with you, won't you?

Don't come down the I Street, will you? Otherwise someone will chuck a bucket of

water over you.

down at the bank.

Well, they took one on only a fortnight ago.

That's the one they're looking for.

He's six foot tall and ten thousand pounds short.

Oi,

oi, oi!

What do you call this?

That's a watch, isn't it? Never mind about that. You're twenty minutes late.

Well, I couldn't help it. There's this chap down the supermarket.

Lost a five pound note he did.

What's that got to do with you?

I was stood on it.

Now, you must understand that Max Treader, the bookie, he goes to Denby

every weekend, don't he? Every Saturday, and he always passes the Rose and

Crown. Now, next Saturday, what we does, we sprinkle some tin tacks in the road

here, he gets a puncture, goes straight into the Rose and Crown, where we're

waiting to take him. What do you think of that, eh?

I'm glad you approve of some of my ideas.

Hello, here, here, here, here.

What's all this there? You were supposed to be here at two o 'clock.

I'm late. Well, I'm not having you. I mean, you can't help being late, can

No, I mean, women always start to make mistakes once, aren't they? You're

my dear.

All right, lads, don't get excited.

I think you've never seen a woman before, the way you carry on.

I thought good things came in threes.

You've been eating meat again, haven't you?

Would you like a little drink, darling?

All right, lads, all right.

It's only a woman.

Anyway, you're carrying on.

All right, guys, all right. Well, get your minds off her and let's get our

back on the work like I am.

Now, I see, Elsie, it's time. Now you're here that we showed you our blueprints.

I don't want to see no dirty photos.

No, not dirty photos, blueprints. It's our plans, my dear.

You see, now, the lady at the Rose and Crown, the landlady, she'll be on her

this coming weekend.

So next Saturday, you see, Elsie, you and I will go there and we're taking her

for the night.

He's right with that settled then, isn't he?

Take a what?

Take a double room for the night.

I'm not spending the night with you.

Not for a thousand pounds.

Well, that's different.

Hold on here. How do you know our chair will be a thousand pounds? It could only

be a quid, you know.

I'm not spending the night with you for a quid.

What do you think I am?

Well, we settled what you are. We're adding over the price now, aren't we?

So we might not have to... spend your night there. Anyway, let's get on. Now,

who's going to play the part of the rich American?

I could play that part.

Oh, yes, I could do that very well. But you've got an Irish accent.

Yes, only when I talk.

Now, hear this, you fly guys and mad marines.

This here ain't no chicken unit.

John Wayne says that.

Well, I hope he says it better than you do.

Oh, what a good afternoon. Now, don't forget, we all meet then.

Saturday morning.

Right. And Elsie, when we get there, do try and act like a wife.

How do I do that?

Carry the bloody cases.

You are married, aren't you? Oh, definitely.

We're married, my dear. Yes, we're married. To each other, I mean. Oh, yes,

Definitely, definitely, yes. I think I'd better see your marriage license.

Well, it so happens that I have it here.

I'll go and get my reading glasses.

All right, Mrs. McTavish.

license. What'd you give her? Give her my old dog license, didn't I?

She won't know the difference, silly old fool.

Hey, you in there, whatever you're doing, stop it, because this isn't for

Let me in.

I can't let you in, my dear. It's a bit awkward. I'm taking a bath.

There isn't a bath in there.

That's what's making it awkward.

Look, I must have given you the long license. I'm sorry about that.

Right you are, my dear. Now look, love, sit down, sit down. Not likely.

There's no big bugs there.

Cockroaches are better of all.

Right, my darling, what I want you to do is to take down the races, take the

races on ear, right, and the time signals, careful, and the time

signals, my dear, and then relay them.

Ten minutes after, through the radio in the bar.

Don't forget, you take them down here and you relay them exactly ten minutes

later in the bar. How much later?

I relay them ten minutes later. That's right, my dear.

But whatever you do, let us know the winners first, won't you?

All right.

Lenny, I think I could have spent the day fishing. Well, we all got to make

sacrifices, mate.

Oh, I was supposed to go to me mother -in -law's funeral today.

You should get your nails cut. Now, come on, lad. And don't forget, put your

watches back ten minutes in all. Your watches.

Right. Ten minutes back.

Everything all right? Oh, everything's fine, my dear. Don't you worry a thing

about it. Everything's lovely. Oh, and you've got nice eyes.

Very pretty, aren't they?

Thanks.

Oh, go on. You love everything, don't you?

Supposing we get caught?

Now, come on, lad. Hurry up. He can't be here any minute. Hey, what about the

road tax?

What road tax? The tax for the road.

Stop! Why do I have to think of everything?

It's always me.

Well, here's gratitude for you.

He was nothing till I found him.

I mean, after all I've done for you, I even lent him the money to bury you.

Grandmothers.

Reminds me, if I don't get it back by Friday, up she comes.

They'll come back, they're on the road, or you're out of your grave in the

summer. Gee, this is Bruce's fridge.

Why, what's that?

It's Hoppy Hooker.

There's nothing about fishing at all in it.

Whatever you do, don't back the winner of the first rake, or he gets

Remember, don't back the winner of the first rake.

Nice day. Why, how are you there, old... Pardon?

Pardon?

Well, get along, little doggy?

Can anyone here give me a lift to Denby? Ah, that I wouldn't like to say, sir.

It's only us lads here, sir. Us lads and that incredibly rich American typhoon

over there.

Have you got a telephone directory here? Ah, that'll be out the back, sir. But I

wouldn't bother, sir.

It's all, like, cut up into squares now.

It's difficult to follow, you know. It's hanging up on a bit of string.

They don't even have a baton shop down there, old coyote.

If they hadn't took the buses off, I mean, us lot would have been up Denby

ourselves. We'd have had a little flutter, wouldn't we? Kind of warm in

Hop along.

Seeing as you gentlemen are so eager for a little wager, I may be able to

accommodate you.

How would that be, sir?

I happen to be a bookmaker.

Well, I wouldn't have believed that. No, sir.

I had you for a chicken snack, sir.

I wouldn't have said you was a bookie, sir. We'll just be in time for the first

race, won't we, sir? No, no. No, that clock's wrong. No, sir. No, I think your

clock's wrong, sir.

That's the time, sir. That is the time. Miss, could you tell us the time,

please? Three minutes to one, I make it. Hold on.

And with the time at three minutes to one... Well, I must be slow. Yes, you

be slow.

Right, there we are, gentlemen.

Oh, howdy.

That's a funny thing.

I had a grapefruit cocktail last night. Yes, I did.

And guess what I had for my breakfast this morning?

Grapefruit. Yes.

So I reckon I'll have a pound of weed on Flubrush.

Oh, the bargains of his mind are very, very complex. Very complex.

I think I'll have five pounds on little Mark, old putty.

And they're off.

And it's Grubby Boy who seems to be making the running. Are you sure you're

going to afford to lose?

Oh, don't worry about me, sir.

You only say, hurry to bed, hurry to rise, make the man healthy, wealthy, and

father of a large family.

We're going to bank that one.

What are the chances of getting the first three in their right order?

Well, I'll give you a thousand to one if you care to try it.

Well, well, I think I will.

Just for the laugh, you know.

I'd have ten pounds.

Well, I must say, you'll be lucky. I say, you'll be lucky.

You'll be lucky.

turned out getting there, I don't mind.

I'm going to buy myself a bottle of Irish whiskey.

Ah, that stops slow poisoning.

Well, I'm in no hurry.

I'm going to smoke king saves bad the whole day long.

Ah, you'll never live to be 30.

I've been smoking since I was eight years old and there's nothing wrong with

lung.

Darling, aren't you afraid of prowlers?

onions out for it.

My duro ain't what it was, is it?

Don't you know? I thought you'd get away with it, didn't you? Oh, I've been

waiting for this.

Look, Mr.

Look, look, it wasn't my idea.

Look, we'll give all the money back and we'll never steal another thing again.

Carry on, sir.

Could I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, sir, you can't.

See, that clock's ten minutes slow.

And no, we put it back. And you're drinking after hours.

That's the only reason I came in here.

Why,

are you?

Oh, come on. Try me with your glasses on.

Yeah, great.

It's George!

Hello there, George!

With me tonight, the man

behind the martial arts movies, the king of the Kung Fu cult, director -producer

J. Arthur Mead.

Who?

He himself.

Good at jujitsu?

Good at heaving a heavy body.

Good at heaving a heavy body?

No, not good at heaving a heavy body. Good at heaving a heavy body? Good

evening,

everybody.

Bite my sugar in the hair.

I believe you're here to look for a leading lady.

A designer.

To look for a designer.

No, reading ready.

A leading lady?

Designer. Hmm?

Designer up.

Next picture, which will, of course, follow the same pattern as all my other

films, in that it will be based on a famous opera.

Why do you think they must be?

You make us sound like Millican and Nosepick.

One of those songs that you hear now and then.

They were singing better tonight than they sung for a long time.

Most leisure films I have done have done Barbara of Seville.

Barbara of Seville?

Yes. Have done The Fried Mouse.

The Fried Mouse?

Not to mention Marriage of Figaro.

Marriage of Figaro. I said not to mention Marriage of Figaro.

I believe your most recent was La Boheme. Ah, La Boheme.

Your tiny hand is a flozen. How's the poor old brace of meat?

That was a Chinese joke.

I can't hear them crapping.

That was a Chinese joke.

I like it when they're crapping in the mouth.

They call me Mimi.

Pardon?

They call me Mimi.

You a poof?

I say, you a poof, all right?

I say, do you a poof?

Or a piece of film on the upper left?

A poof?

Yeah.

I was going to give you him.

Now your next film is based on the opera... Madame Buttonfly.

And what will you call it?

I not know.

I have been trying to think of a name for two weeks.

How about a fortnight?

I'll come to tea one day. I'll open a gas jet.

Did you have a good rapport with the cast?

Have a what?

Rapport. It's French.

Why, you speak French. You can't speak bloody English.

Jenny, how did you get on with One Hung Low?

One... Hold on.

both of them.

But, ah, silly, everybody's thinking to me that this actor, one

long hole, he,

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I

know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know,

don't know, I don't know So he stabbed Roger the Roger, then he shot wife, then

he set fire to house with grandparents asleep in bed, then he cut off head of

serving girl.

But where's the sympathetic part?

On the way out, he pat the dog.

That's nice, that's nice.

Well, now we're going to see one of your most recent releases.

Oh, robbery.

I get a flea prog. That's nice.

No, just leave me alone.

Appetizing young love for sale.

Love that's fresh and quite unfoiled. Love that's only slightly soiled.

Love.

Who will buy?

Who would like to sample my...

Who's prepared to pay the price for a trip to paradise?

Well done, ladies and gentlemen, and we look forward to seeing you all again

very, very soon. Until then.