Original subtitles

I hate wasting good food just because it's difficult to wrap, don't you?

But that's all over now with Benny's cling seal.

Yes, it wraps anything.

Wraps it and keeps it lovely and fresh no matter what size, no matter what

it is at all.

You see, it not only clings to the container, it also clings to itself.

Yes, it clings just like magic.

I've got one.

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

There's an English boy in jail in Valencia

who gets a letter from across the field

saying, dear son, this is your father, I think.

With news of the family.

Your mother's gone back on the cold round and she comes home as tired as

I'll stick it, I say, for just one more day or until that poor cart horse gets

well. And your half -cousin Gail is in Holloway jail, but at least she'll be

near to her mum.

And your great -auntie Clara stole two ton of cascara and I hear that she's

still on the run.

And the welfare are giving two bottles of Guinness to all 45 -year -old mums.

And men over 50 get two pounds of sugar to help them preserve their plums.

Your ma keeps making me tea cakes from a recipe your auntie lent.

In my mouth they melt just like butter.

In me stomach they sit like cement.

She keeps on experimenting with different ways she can fill me.

Oh, it's just like playing Russian roulette, cos I never know which meal

kill me.

We all went to the wedding of that suck -up Miss Redding, but we all behaved

very nice.

And we never let on, she was seven months gone, we just stood there and

tough rice.

In ten months, she'll have been there a year.

But her old man's no dope, cos he still has hope, and sometimes hope, Sister

Maria.

An old jolly bride stole a tonne of fluoride, he said, it makes the water

grand. But last Tuesday when he fed his goldfish, one of them bit off his hand.

Well, goodbye, my son, now don't worry about us, though Lord knows where we'd

have been without that half a million perceived.

that we've got for turning you into... Thank

you

very much indeed.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice to be with you once again. Lots of feelers, I'm very pleased to

will be back with us a little bit later on. And for now, here is something of

special interest to all lovers and indoor sports.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, I think... Artie Hall, the new wonder

player, Hurricane Hill, is challenging the holder for his championship trophy.

He is once again the winner.

And here he has been congratulated by his lovely wife.

The

telephone,

my lord.

England on the telephone?

Yes. We forgot.

God will bless you also.

Oh, I'm a good man.

And very religious.

I have been dealing in the past with communicating with Mr.

Little. He is the one with the short hampton.

Is it Mr.

Hampton with the short little branch?

Is it Mr. Hampton with the little short branch?

Am I spitting?

Mr. Powell.

Powell.

It's Tisha here. Tisha, yeah. We met at the Hampshire Trade Fair in some tum

-tum -tum.

Yeah, I remember you told me you were exporter. I thought you meant you used

work on the railways.

Yeah. We met your wife and daughter at the party at your house.

Yeah, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, that cows.

Yeah.

Only 15. She is a big girl for 15.

For any age, she is big. Oh, she is big.

It must cost a fortune to feed her.

My son, 16, yeah.

Yeah, well, that was the first time he had drunk British beer.

It was unfortunate.

Is her leg better?

I'm so glad. He told me how much he admired your gold, your pink bathroom

the gold -plated toilet. You don't have a pink bathroom or a gold -plated

toilet.

You do have a pink spare room where you keep your euphonium.

I didn't know you played not anymore, you don't know.

You are a little rusty. It's a little rusty. Well, it would be, I suppose.

I am interested in seeing some of your ladies ready to wear clothes.

They are getting a little behind in their hot pants.

And you are looking into their see -through blouses.

That's interesting. But what about the slacks? I'll tell you what about the

slacks. With your slacks, Mr. Bauer, they are not.

When I see a German girl walking out of here with a pair of British slacks, it

looks like two little boys fighting on a leather blanket.

And not so little either. And what about the busenhalter?

The busenhalter.

The halter for the busenhalter.

They were too gross.

Not 288. They were too gross. They were too big. All 44s.

They were hard to sell them, yeah.

But nature had forgotten we had to stuff with cotton.

Oh, your designer made a slip.

Well, he should send some slips over, not slips you can wear.

I might have known it. What you really mean is your designer occasionally makes

bloomers, also that you cannot wear.

I might have known it, Mr. Bowles. Don't take the smoochies out of me, Mr.

Bowles. We also have jokes about the British workers. Yeah, we do.

A British workman the other day had an accident. He fell off his shovel.

And compensation set in.

What did they put on the bottom of the British beer bottle?

Open other end.

Yeah, what did they put on the top of the British ladder?

Stop.

So don't take the smoochies out of me, Mr. Bowen. And also, the laziness of

Schumachen is legendary.

The Schumachen.

He hung up.

That is the trouble with these British.

They are so touchy.

Sarita, momentito.

I do it up for you.

Pull your hands up.

You going in to see these?

No, I'm going up the ocean.

Oh, no, you don't want to miss that. You've got a lot to go in it. You can't

miss it. Good.

It's very, very good. I've seen it several times. You'll enjoy it.

Yeah, I know.

I just found you. I just found you.

as usual, Eddie.

Double bourbon on the rocks coming up.

Cheers, Eddie.

That's just quite a kick.

Maxine, been around?

Well, sure, Eddie.

See, that girl's just crazy about you, Eddie. I wish I had a girl like that

crazy for me.

Well, boys, either you got it or you...

Oh, I've thought about you so many times.

The way you hold your head on one side when you look at me.

The way you look at me crinkled up when you smile.

The way you hold your ear when you sing.

You didn't forget me, did you, Eddie?

What do you think?

Here.

Build something I got for you in Mexico City.

Eddie, who's she?

A love I once knew. A flame that all but died.

A bittersweet memory that still lights up a lonely heart.

But it's over now.

Now there's only you.

Lola, you're cool. You're intelligent. You're sophisticated.

You're real.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome the delightful...

And we're going really fast when everything goes whizzy.

And if one day I join the police, I won't give that lot any peace.

My mummy says I'm big and strong.

Where did my brother put his gun?

I want to play at soldiers shooting people.

Last window.

Lucky you had that bandage on.

But I did that yesterday.

Bloody thing stopped again.

I don't think stripes suit my wife.

Then why don't you stop whipping her?

That's funny.

That's a funny joke.

If I made love to you, would you yell?

What do you want me to yell?

putting out on his door.

Certainly.

He's my son.

And he's not a jubilant delinquent.

I mean, I know he dresses a little bit peculiar sometimes, but there's a lot of

people dressed peculiar. I mean, that doesn't mean to say that our cycle path

anything in the police should leave him alone.

I mean, just because people dress a little bit peculiar, I dress a bit

myself sometimes.

two tablecloths down.

Manolo. Yes, my darling? Do you know what I'm making you for your supper?

No. I'm making some fish cakes.

Oh, for real? You'll make a fish cake? It's a knife.

I just put the marzipan on now.

Darling, is it true that when you say no, you really mean yes?

No.

Are you still engaged to that Lola?

Not anymore.

You get rid of the old fat bag, huh?

No, I married her.

Oh.

My darling, my angel.

My God, my husband.

Click in the wardrobe.

Still taste

Thanks again.

That's the washing up job.

Not really.

You see, I use Sunbrite lemon liquid.

Sunbrite? Yes, Sunbrite.

Makes everything so lovely and clean.

Clean? Yes. It contains lemon juice.

Lemon juice?

Yes, lemon juice. That's what gives it its nice sparkle.

Sparkle? Yes.

Sparkle makes everything come up lovely and fresh.

Fresh? Yes, fresh. Are you bloody stupid or something?

La Vida Tiene Otro Sabor

Thank you.

¡Qué bonito es el mar Mediterráneo, su costa baraba y su costa del

sol! La tarabana y el pandango me emocionan, porque en sus notas hay vida

calor.

Thank you.

to answer your questions tonight. The Minister of Food, Humphrey Bumfrey.

Our first caller is on line one. Good evening.

You are Mr Hector Chester from West Leicester? No.

I am Mr Lester Wester from West Chester. Get it right, mate.

Your question is...

Over to you, Mr. Butler.

Where am I?

You see, I was at the recent World Food Conference, Mr.

Kidney, with the Prime Minister.

Kennedy, Mr.

Kennedy. No, Heath.

You're thinking of Teddy Kennedy. He's a Yankee chap, you know. This is Teddy

Heath, you know. I ought to know, Mr. Kidney. I was there at his private

Ludo. The name's Ludo.

I was there with Teddy. We were having a bit of fun. We were in the all

together. In the all together?

In the banqueting all together.

We, we, we, we, we all the way home. No.

I don't think we did. No.

No, you see, we were stood up there. You see, we were waiting for the toast

to... The Queen.

The Queen.

Oh, you can't eat the Queen, dear boy.

Well, you just said something special for her to eat. Something special for

to eat.

Do listen. There's a good chap.

Good. You see, we have a special guest of honour there, you see. Oh, his name.

Foreign chap. His name's on the tip of me.

Tip of me.

It's not on the tip of me.

tongue. Yes, yes, I'm sure it was a mouthy tongue.

I'm sure my name is Terry Lean.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday Humphrey Bumfrey.

Yes, yes.

No, he wasn't Humphrey Bumfrey. No, he was mouthy tongue.

He'd just gone into the kitchen, you see, to see Mrs.

Ramsbottom. And when he'd seen it, he came out.

tree of ag and fish.

She had me watching him take a bath, a bun, and she was

asking him about the yeast.

The yeast in the bun? No, the yeast in the yeast. The far east. Oh, sorry,

I find you difficult to follow.

Well, wait a minute. Well, I don't. So you leave the poor old statesman alone

and don't be so facetious.

These foreigners will eat anything, you know. They eat the insides of the

animals, the intestine, all the gut.

That's right.

It's perfectly true.

It's awful. They're bloody dreadful.

You see, I was out there, you know, and I had this native bearer. And then the

others he was, he was running a naked looking about, you know. And he looked

untidy, I'll never forget that. You see, I used to love it when he sat down, sat

him like a round of applause.

And his sister, she said to me once, she said, kiss me, Big Moana.

So I kissed her, Big Moana.

The thing is, what I was going to say out there, you see, I remember talking

through, saying to him, you know, I said, can we afford starters?

And he said, only if we can pee soup.

Only if we can pee soup.

African peas.

Made from African pea soup. Yes, do listen.

I said to him, I said, yesterday, I said, I have a plate of soup. I said, I

said, that oxtail, it barely covered the bottom.

He said, that's all an oxtail's supposed to do.

They're rude, you know.

His whole family are rude. And I said, I don't like your mother -in -law. He

said, well, just eat the chips.

Anyway, you see, eventually we had a who's -do -well.

Whose doobers? I don't know whose doobers they were.

They were like black, you know. They were like prunes. Like prunes they were.

I expect they were olives. I thought they were Israel.

But you see, in this country, you know, it's false. You see, in the old

days, when I was a lad, we had to eat up every bean and pea in the plate.

We weren't allowed to leave the table till we'd done it.

But, you see, nowadays the housewife is spoilt, you know. She spends half her

time in the convenience food department, you know. All she wants is to get her

hands on a poof pastry packet.

Or we'll offer her an ice cream or one of Mr Kipling's little puddings. Oh, I

don't know, you know. But it can't go on because prices are going up, you know.

Eggs are going up and milk's going up. Poor old cow doesn't know where she is.

I'm talking to the wife.

I got my, you should do the same. Get a little, get a little, little, little

fruit and vegetable garden. Grow your own, you know, because I mean, take

prunes, do you?

You look like you ought to, you know.

They're not just for working people.

They're for everybody.

And the thing is, take carrots, you see. They're good for the eyesight, you

know. Really?

Yeah, did you ever see a rabbit with glasses?

And oysters, you see, you don't want to worry about oysters. They're too

expensive, you know. I had, the wife and I, we had a dozen last night, and one

didn't work.

And that was mine, dammit!

And you see, I mean, there's plenty of other different fish. I mean, had a, had

a, had a... Phillips.

Had occurred to me that, you see, a soul is a nice fish, you know, a soul.

A soul.

A soul.

Ah, it's popular.

Yeah, I really are, you know, because, you see, the honeymoon can't go on

forever, can it? I mean, when you're first married, you know, I mean, you've

only got to look at the wife and she makes your peanut brittle.

But, you see, after a while, the dumplings go all flabby.

And your appetite goes.

It's the same for her, you know. I mean, you've got to perk it up a little bit.

Come on, bring a bottle of bird's -eye wine home for her. Thin her onions out

for her. She'll love you for it. Go into the kitchen, creep up behind her and

very gently lift off her camisole. Cut her off!

You may only fancy a quick feel and ham pie.

On the other hand, she may be anticipating a goose.

She may want stuffing.

I mean, she may only want a little potato pie.

Whatever she wants, there's only one answer. Give her one!

That's the only way, you know. Tell her to be thankful for small Murphys.

Your answer to Mr.

Weston is?

I would say that I should go home to my little white -haired wife.

We're sitting in front of the fire with a little bowl of soup and a little bit

of dried bread and eating it, knowing in our hearts that the rest of the nation

are tightening their belts into the same manner. I don't think it's a wonderful

thought. Does that answer your question? No.

Well, good night.

Are we off the air?

Yes. Oh, thank God. Come on, darling. There they are.

Where's the other one?

Oh, it's off. It's off, isn't it? Oh,

God, I needed that. I needed that.

I don't drink tiddlywink.

No, thank you. No, it's a fancy bit of crumpet.

Thank you. Now, I have something. It's me birthday.

Well, how old are you? Twenty -seven.

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that's all we've time for, but we

look forward to seeing you all again very, very soon. Until then, bye -bye.