Original subtitles

Here we go.

Take one.

Come in.

Hello, Roger.

Hello, Debbie.

Can

you

tell it to me a bit?

kissed me.

Oh, dear, you're very young.

Hard to get around.

Oh, sir.

Hello, sir.

Sit down, my boy. Thank you, sir.

Are you well sitting there when I came in?

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Manny Hill Show.

Manny, Manny, Hill.

Evening, all.

We're going to sing at you now.

Songs like, oh, the sandpiper is a funny little bird. The way it behaves is real

absurd. But it's heading to the time when there's a monsoon. Whistles of the

whole of the afternoon.

Wreckle your hips. Never try to kiss the chicken on the lips.

Oh,

bend down, girls. Touch your toes. I'm going to show you where the wild goose

goes.

I love Telly. She loves Dick. You can kiss a duck's tail, but you better be

quick.

Now,

I met a little squaw in Wichita. She told me that her name was Carol.

Telly, if I was Adam and she was Eva, get my apples by the barrel.

I bought her some fancy...

cost me a dollar ten.

She gave them to her mother. Oh, I shan't see them again. Oh, who's in

my eyes? Tell the lies.

She gives you a cheek effect.

You put a ring up on that finger. There's a rubber around your neck.

Now, I met her boys at six foot forty, wore size eighteen boots.

He sent me big cheap train with soap, but you can call me tooth.

What if families don't know head from tails that their little brother yelps?

it was true, because around the world they had some mighty funny scouts.

Let me hear that euphorium.

Who that dude there?

I came in, so I said how, and I said how again.

She said, I don't say how, because I know how. What I want to know is when.

But she was the ugliest woman I've seen since I left Nantucket. I won't say her

mouth was big, but she slept with her four teeth in a bucket.

Come on, speedy, let's hear that violin.

Now at the honeymoon...

hotel. I got the fever of something cruel.

So she went to get me cups of water to try and keep me cool.

Then she stopped bringing water, though I was thirstier than hell.

I said, why you no bring water? She said, white man sit on well.

Now she said she was a widow and I said I didn't mind.

She said she'd had a hard life and the fate had been unkind. She said she had

nine daughters in the cemetery by the creek, but she forgot to say that they

down there playing hide -and -seek.

That's true. That's real true.

So now, listen, guys, if they bat their eyes and invite you to take a chance,

please put a ring up on their finger and take them off my head.

Ain't that real pretty?

Thank you, God.

Real pretty, that guy.

Thank you, folks.

Thank you kindly for moseying up the old corral. I'd like to have you meet my

old signwinder now, Mr. Henry Judge McGee. Let's hear it for Henry.

Come on.

Twenty years ago... Beg your

pardon, madam.

Twenty years ago... They were unheard of. Today, they are commonplace.

I am referring, of course, to that band of brave and trustworthy men, the

Security Guard.

With me tonight is one of the very first in that field, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, all.

Good evening, sir.

Tell me, Mr. Scuttle, how long is it?

How long is what, sir?

Since you went into security.

We here at Scuttley Corps are proud to be able to say, sir, that the bankers of

England have been happy to allow us to handle their emoluments since

1958, sir.

And, yes, what would you say is your main function?

Well, we have many functions, but I would say...

Our main function is our annual dinner and dance.

Which we have twice a year at the Las Vegas Soup Kitchen's Old Sodbury, sir.

My meat pie was lovely last time, sir.

I mean, how would you describe your role?

My role, sir?

In society.

Oh, to act as a detergent.

Oh, you are...

You deter the would -be criminal.

Well, somebody has to, sir. I mean, nowadays, sir, they're all at it, aren't

they? Whipping things like clockwork. It's a national disgrace.

We're becoming a nation of knickers.

You can't put anything down nowadays. If a doctor tells somebody to take things

easy, they go straight down the supermarket and stuffing it away, aren't

sir? I mean, nowadays, people just help themselves.

Why is that?

Well, they can't help themselves.

I mean, picture the thing, sir. There is the corner of a supermarket, sir.

There's an attractive young housewife, often thinking she's on her own, sir,

she is just about to stick them fish fingers up her fair isle when one of

our lads gives her a tap on the shoulder, taps her on the shoulder. She

shocked back into the straight and narrow path, sir, never to deter and go

again, sir. You see, cured, cured, completely cured, sir. And she's never

up by the father.

No, sir.

Just tapped on the shoulder.

I wonder what. We don't involve the police, you see.

But surely your presence wouldn't deter a hardened criminal.

Don't take the mickey out of me.

A hardened criminal? Listen, it's not just me, you know. You're forgetting

I'm only going to take one look at Rex. The growl. It's growl alone, sir. It

turns your hair white.

Makes your teeth itch.

Goes through you like a dose of salt. And those fangs, and he slobbers down

here. The criminals think, well, look, they're off.

Rex is your guard dog. He's my brother -in -law.

He's very healthy. He can gnash his teeth and all.

Because they're national health teeth.

Gnash your teeth. I say, stop dancing up there. You see?

He's alert, sir. He is, you know.

Isn't he rather small?

Ah, but he's beautifully marked.

You haven't seen him stripped, have you? Not yet.

Not yet? Oh, that's interesting.

Freudian slip, that.

It shows as well. The thing is, sir, no, underneath that outfit there, sir, is

seven stone of rippling skin.

You haven't seen biceps like his since Hayley Mill stopped wearing short

sleeves, sir.

And he's marvellous with money, sir. Marvellous with money.

He's a bit off colour today, sir.

Is he not feeling himself?

No, I think he's putting his money, sir.

You'll have to forgive him, sir. His brain starts working the second he gets

and doesn't stop till he gets here.

Mr. Scuttle, in your organisation, what is the usual compliment?

Something like, hello, sexy, how's your belly off the spot?

Something like that.

How many guards do you employ?

Two, sir.

Him and his sister.

Yes, sir. Oh, she's very good. She's an expert at Jewish jitsu and all that, you

know, sir.

Oh, yes. Besides, where else could I get a guard for six pounds a week?

Six pounds a week? Has she lived on that? That and her old age pension.

Tell me, have you ever been infiltrated? Not on duty, sir.

We have the bevy afterwards. We have our bevy afterwards, you see.

I meant, have you ever been got at?

By gangsters. Oh, not... He has, sir.

Speedy has, because he drives the armoured truck, you see, sir.

That's a 500 weight jacked up outside, sir.

Because it's only the... He had a mole, sir. He had a mole come up.

They sent a mole, a gangster's mole, round to him, sir. Oh, a mole.

Yes, she was there to tempt him, sir, and sort of lure him.

She wanted to get hold of his root.

He hasn't got one, sir.

Hasn't it? Not a regular one, sir, no.

He dodges about like that, you see, that's why.

He's used to dodging about, you see, sir. He's a bachelor.

He's been coming to work from a different direction every morning for

She tried everything on him, you know, sir. Oh, she offered him, oh,

meetings in Rome, the sweet life, the complete riveter.

But she was ported. Not by him, sir.

No, he wouldn't.

He didn't turn down her entreaties. No, he didn't, sir. No, sir, he wouldn't,

sir. He had nothing to do with her. Go away, he said, sir. He wouldn't,

you see, he's too honest.

Too trustworthy.

He's too bloody old to tell you that.

Poor devil.

Who's idea was it to go into security?

It was my wife, ugly enough.

You see, because it's her dog, you see, sir. At home, it's like one of the

family. The wife's mother, to be precise, sir. But when it's on duty...

I'll show you.

Go get the dog.

That's it. Come here.

Don't say it again. It's all right. Listen.

Go and get the dog.

He knows, you know. He knows.

I believe we're actually going to have a demonstration.

Yes, we are. Be very, very careful. Elsie, come here, sir. Now, listen, sir.

Whatever you do, don't move suddenly or you may get bitten, you see.

Not by her.

By the dog, you see.

Does she come under your jurisdiction?

Not as often as I'd like, sir, but, you know.

Bring in the dog.

Don't, don't, don't, don't do anything all of a sudden. Here he comes.

Hold him. Hold Peter there, hold Peter there. Right, so now I will attack the

girl, and when I say unleash, don't unleash till I say so.

Unleash, right.

Got it.

Don't bloody overdo it, you three.

Go and get him.

I'm sorry about that, sir. You know, I mean, it must be the distemper.

And the dog's not well either, sir.

He wasn't like that at Crufts, sir. In the competition, he wasn't like that at

Crufts at all, sir. Well, Mr. Scuttle. I don't understand that.

Mr. Scuttle.

Unbeknownst to you, we made a film of your team at work. You haven't, sir. And

we thought the viewers might like to see it. Well, I never thought...

Thanks.

Shakespeare? Has he written for us before?

He's not the one who sent in that saint, is he?

He had him killed off in the first episode.

I mean, it's hard enough getting to see him. He's going in with only a look.

Yeah, I'll speak.

Hello, Mr Shakespeare.

What exactly is it you've written in?

Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah, it's got a nice ring to it.

No, no, no, I mean that. I really do. I mean, you know, Steptoe and Son and

Bootsy and Snudge. Romeo and Juliet.

I've got one for you.

Romeo in the clover.

Please yourself.

How about every meal put in front of it is Juliet?

Oh, it's not a comedy series.

Oh, it's drama.

Drama. Oh, we're interested. No, we're interested. Yes, we really are. How many

weeks do you think we get out of it? 26?

They both die in the first episode.

Are you sure you didn't send in that fake?

No, no. Could you give me another?

Yeah, the dialogue, you know, the sort of the style of it.

He says to her, would I wear a glove upon that hand that I might touch that

cheek?

Yeah, all right, well, it's not Crossroads.

I'll be honest with you, it's not that bad, Will, no, no. She's not sitting on

her hands at this point, is she, Will?

Well, you know, the glove and the touching the cheek.

You know, I had to be so careful, Will, you know, what with Chuck Berry's ding

-a -ling and...

An Andy's Warhole?

Well, there you are. You have to be very, very careful, Will.

What sort of a fellow?

Oh, a fellow!

Yes.

What's a fellow about, then, Will?

About a moor.

Will, I don't know, you see, the design department couldn't handle it, Will,

really, they couldn't. I mean, you mock up a moor in the studio, it never looks

real, Will, never looks real.

I mean, we'd have to go on location direct.

Oh, a Moroccan moor!

A black moor, a black fella. Yes, yes. Oh, no, we don't mind. We're very open

-minded. No, no, fine, Will, fine, yes.

He's got a friend called who, Will?

Des... Desdemona.

Yeah, I know two pals together. That's a... They're in love.

Will... I don't think they're ready for it, Will.

I mean, two fellas... Oh, Desdemona is a lady.

Oh, yeah, yeah, a black lady.

A blonde lady.

I don't know. You see, it's controversial.

Look, I'll be perfectly honest with you, Will. What we're after is another

Crossroads. That's all we want. People walking about, talking, standing up,

sitting down, moving.

That's all we want, Will.

Let's all be happy with that.

Is that about a butcher, is it?

Merchant of Venison?

Oh, Venice!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

South of France.

It's got a villain, has it?

Oh, they love a villain, eh? Called Shylock. Oh, they love a villain, Will.

He's not coloured, is he, Will?

Oh, is he?

Will, you see, we don't want to be controversial, you see. That's the

mean, for controversial, outspoken things, we leave that to Jess Yates.

It's not what we're after, Will. I mean, let's be perfectly honest.

Midsummer Night's Dream. Now, that's got a nice title. That sounds very nice,

Will. That'd be a very good attraction for Christmas, wouldn't it, eh?

Yeah, it's got a comedian in it, has it? Oh, lovely. They like a good laugh.

Yeah, he's not coloured, is he?

And he's not... His name's what, Will?

I mean, behind is all right, or sit upon.

I'd even stand for bum.

You know, bottom.

Well, bottom, it's erotic, that's what it is. We don't like anything blue here,

you see, Will.

On the Max Fargrave show?

Well, one or two, I suppose, will get through, but we don't worry about it,

because he's a puppet, you see.

People, you know, you've got to be a bit careful. A Midsummer Night's Dream has

got a lot of fairies in it.

Yeah, and they follow this old queen, do they?

Oh, a lady queen. Oh, that's something anyway.

Yeah, well, yeah. What's her name?

Titania.

Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

And what's his name?

Puck.

Now, look, Will, take a tip from me. Give it up. Give it up. I mean, you'll

never be a writer as long as you've got a hole in your aspartame coat.

You won't, Will. Give it up. Take a tip. Yeah, bye -bye, Will. Yeah, ta -da.

I say, Sansa, will you get me Lord Willis? I mean, you know where you are

Ted Willis.

I could never marry you. You're too much of a dandy, Lord Chalfont St.

Giles. To you, ma 'am, I may be Lord Chalfont St. Giles, but to many people,

known as... The Crimson Shadow!

I'm sorry.

Don't call that fast.

Honestly, it's such a little thing.

Hang on!

Hang on!

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Epstein.

We see Like passing strangers Oh

Buddy, oh Love could change

We were so inseparable.

Now you're at peace, baby.

Go ahead, my baby. Go ahead, my

baby.

Everybody, every day, should set aside a little time for themselves.

A time to relax.

Could you hold it? I can't break it. I can't break it. Hold

it! I'm holding it, but I can't break it. I think it's a prop.

Give me the prop one. Give me the real one.

In Spain they think it's fine to drink a glass of wine.

We drink tea. Bloody arse!

Oh, my God!

1973 held the return of none other

than Doris Day.

Yes, our veteran virgin is back, chaste as ever, this time by, you've guessed

it, Rock Hudson.

But with Doris cast... As a waitress, you can bet that reality's not law would

arise as ugly head.

But does Rock love Doris for herself alone?

Or does he just want to get his hands on her nice tits?

Tits? Tits?

Needles. Needles?

Needless. Needless to say, Doris gets raped, gets wrapped.

Doris is wrapped in a cocoon. In a cocoon of fantasy.

and even go so far as to going out and getting... getting kissed.

Yes, Rock kisses Doris where she least expects to be kissed... when she least

expects to be kissed.

Rock even proposes marriage. She says marriage is a big step, but she's

to tickle it if he washes it.

Tackle it if he wishes it.

The man with the cue card keeps going further and further away. You're going

upset my trendy, way -out -but -oh -so -lovable style.

Am I going to have to go again? Yes, I am. But first, a visit to the fee house

of the August moon.

What a funny camera crew.

Don't go, Mustafa.

Don't go.

Farewell, little white dove. The time has come for me to be.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Get the podcast!

Get the podcast!

Oh, thank you.

You had such a lovely baritone voice.

Miss... is high Karachi.

And this unsuspecting girl is about to catch its

irresistible scent.

Everybody, every day, would set aside a little time for themselves.

A time to relax and try chocolate cream.

You've

missed it again,

haven't you, you clumsy fat cow?

Oh, my bloody folks!

Folks, it's the Orange Blossom Sound.

What am I doing hanging round?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding on that train to San Antone.

What am I doing hanging round?

Just for a short vacation, I went down to Mexico.

I didn't have much time to spend about a week or so.

And I likely took advantage of a girl that loved me so.

And I found myself thinking when the time had come to go.

What am I doing hanging around?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding on that train to San Antonio.

Well, it's been a year or so and I want to go back again.

And if I get the money, well, I'll ride that same old train.

Well, I guess your chances come but once, and though I sure miss mine.

I can't help wondering when I hear some whistle crying.

What am I doing hanging around?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding.

Talking to me tonight, through his interpreter, Mr. Chow Min.

The Chinese Overseas Affairs Minister, Mr. Chuen Gum.

Mr. Gum, welcome to London.

What did he

say?

He didn't say nothing.

Is he going to say something?

What for? You're not asking questions yet.

Here we are.

May I say, sir, with all respect and humility, that you honour me with your

gracious presence, your superb wit, your unchallenged wisdom, and your

incalculable charm.

What did he say? He say now he know

how pancake feel when they pour clicker on it.

Did the minister bring his wife with him this time? No, because the Rothstein

had a raid in a hostile area.

Ah, well, you would in a hostile area.

No hostile area. Hostile area.

Oh, they had a raid in a youth hostile area.

Ryan O 'Rissan had a raid in hostile area.

Oh, Adelaide in Australia.

She can go loo.

She couldn't go to... No, no, she can go loo.

She could go to... No, she could go. His wife, she... She saw.

No, she saw.

She, she can go loo.

Oh, she's for a kangaroo.

Yes.

Who breeding lay?

Why, they.

How does the minister feel about his trip to Great Britain?

Glade. Glade Britain.

You've got to be joking.

I am not showing you Glade Britain.

Glade Britain?

We are not.

We are not.

We are not.

Okay. Okay.

Is that all?

Oh, the last was a row to clap.

Across the sea, bring a nation to care for him, peace and friendship, all that

rubbish. He all the time talking.

He's like a breeding glamour phone, that guy.

He worse than you.

Talking, talking.

He'll hear you. No, it's okay. He don't speak English.

Oh. Or maybe he say, yes, okay, no. Here, look, look. Hey, cookie baby.

Huh?

You ugly, big, fat, toad -faced pig. Yes.

Next time you go away, I go around your house, have a bit of naughty with your

wife. Yes, okay. Yes, okay.

of this country interest him? He's interested in a mountain climb.

Oh, Snowden. He should try Snowden.

What's Snowden got to do with it?

Mount Snowden. It's in Wales. It's very high.

Mountain? Isn't it written high?

Little pimples.

In China, have a mountain right up there.

Oh, how high is a Chinese mountain?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, of course.

How high is a Chinese mountain?

That is the name of mountain in Peking Plumbing. How high?

Well, mountain is so high that you can go right to the top and call out, Jones!

And two minutes later, back will come the echo, Jones!

Hardly worth the clip.

Look, Cookie Baby, in China we have mountains so high you go to the top and

call out, Wong!

And three minutes later is a comeback.

Which Wong you want?

But what had that got to do with the mountain

climb? The late?

The late mountain climb.

Not the late mountain climb, the mountain climb late.

Oh, the mounting crime rate. Yes, over here it got too fast.

Soon you're going to have more, more criminals than honest people. Then you

to put the honest people in prison to protect them from the criminals.

I'm afraid it's a fact that in England most criminals revert to crime when they

get out.

Is that not so in China?

No. Why is that?

We don't run them out.

What is the minister's opinion of our Prime Minister, Edward Heath?

He not write Edward Heath.

He say Edward Heath give everybody fleas.

Fleas? Yes.

That's true.

He give them a rage fleas.

And a fly's flea.

All the time he call him Edward Teeth.

Always smiling.

He say he have enigmatic smile. He say Edward Teeth is inscrutable.

He say for many years he not know what go on in Edward Teeth's head. And

then one day he find out.

What? Joy.

Nothing.

Ah,

I hear that your entourage has returned to whisk you off to yet another

function. Before the minister leaves, could you tell us, in a few words, the

difference between capitalism and communism?

Well, you see, capitalism is... Look, this is your house.

You no share with anybody, eh?

Inside is your wife. You no share your wife with anybody.

You have all your possessions.

Capitalism is the cult of personal possession.

We communists... Everything we have, we share with our comrades.

And everything that the comrades have to share, they share with us.

That is the difference, you see.

Everything that we comrades have to share, they share with us.

Really? Don't you come on up home?

Yes, dear.

Up the lockers!

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back.

Now, we thought that little Jackie Wright was looking rather peaky, so we

thought to sort of relax him, we'd send him on a nice holiday.

You went away, I left.

They think a heart of mine is deep

you alone.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Get off.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us, and we look forward to

you all again very, very soon. Until then, goodbye!