Original subtitles

Hello, you gorgeous creature.

My, you're looking attractive today.

Thank you, darling.

I love you. My own sweet, precious, wonderful person.

Oh, darling, thank you. Thank you again.

I want to hold you in my arms and rain kisses on you until the dawn.

Oh, darling, thank you.

Well, I do like you so much. I like kissing you because it's nice.

I want to kiss you and love you and hold you in my arms all night and rain

kisses over your lovely naked body until the dawn.

Hello, George.

How's the wife and kid?

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. My

lovely Auntie Lil took our bus Inspector Bill into her bedroom and with great

annoyance said, Outside our house you put a stop and all the passengers on top

can look in and see my husband and me in bed.

He said, you're joking. She said, you'll see. Just lay down on the bed with me.

So we lay down with her to avoid more fuss.

Her old man came in and saw him, but Bill kept his decorum. He said, it's all

right. I'm just waiting for a bus.

The early morning mist, the first time we got kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a man whose face was all inclined.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee.

of a song that we used to sing as children these are the things you'll

among the ashes of the dustbins of your

an outing by the sea, two old men sat near to me, took their boots off for a

paddle by the pier.

One of them said, you rotten swine, your feet are dirtier than mine. He said, of

course they are, I didn't come last year.

Well, he was by the sand, the boy was holding in his hands a quality board

the cafeteria.

He dropped it down the lady's neck, and she honoured, bloomin' heck, that

seagull must have flown straight from Siberia.

First time that we kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was old and blind.

-dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. The swiftly fading memory of a song that he

to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among the ashes of the dustbin.

As Charlie passed away, his young wife heard him say, I've been unfaithful to

you many times, my dear.

She said, oh, darling, never mind. In fact, I knew it all the time.

That's why I put that arsenic in your beer.

It was the one outside our gents. It was opened up officially last year.

And it was christened by Lord Ray and people came from miles away because

heard tell that he was a liberal beer.

The first time that we kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was overblown.

The swiftly fading memory of a song that we used to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among the others of the dustbins of your mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to be with you all once again, and very

nice indeed to be able to welcome to the show my old friend, Hugh Paddock.

Good evening and welcome.

An army march is on its way.

True or false?

Let's try and find out the answer to that one as we greet my first guest, on

leave from North Africa, Colonel Eatwell of the Royal...

Army catering corps.

Eat well by name, eat well by nature.

Are the lads going to get the same slap -up Christmas dinner that they had last

year? Well, you see, last year my cook was Captain Kemp.

An officer?

A corporal.

Captain Kemp was a corporal? No, the corporal was Captain Kemp.

Oh, Captain Kemp. Yes, do listen. There's a good camel. You're going to go

over the place. And you...

You see, this fellow said... Sidney. George.

George. George said... To me, he said... Sir, he said... We, we, we, we

always have... He said, sir, we're going to need a lot of pepper.

Oh, ground pepper, okay. Tea and pepper.

Black pepper.

I think pepper.

You see, fortunately, we have...

Arab girl. She used to help out in the kitchen. She was awfully handy. Well,

had to be because the corporal used to bite her thighs and dumplings.

Well, we all used to bite her thighs and dumplings.

You used to bite her thighs and dumplings. Sometimes it was more than a

and dumplings.

She was a lovely little girl.

But the dinner, though, was it a success?

Yeah, howling success in more ways than one, you see. We did invite her along

these high, high, high, high, high, wonderful times.

These Highland chappies, you see, and when they had the dumpling, they said it

was pudding.

Christmas pudding. Pudding them off their food.

What was?

The paper.

Paper, oh, the K and the ground, white, black pepper.

The bag paper.

And then all of a sudden, after the party, Jesus, he said,

where's all those lovely, tasty cheeses?

You know, I thought it was rather witty. I say, I come and bear the food for

him. Oh, so he's Scottish, you say.

maids had got up. He said, where's all those nice taffs? And this Arab girl

in with a bucket and went up to the corporal and said, a pound of fillet. He

said, a pound you bloody don't.

I said, the sauce is odd.

I said, this sauce is odd.

And I said, is it okay? And he said, if it's okay with me, you've got to

remember Tubby Turner.

Yes. What kind of men are the catering corps? Well, you see, they're short

arse.

But they're awkward arse. And sometimes they have to work to the early arse.

So, you see, they... I don't mind waiting. I'm in no hurry.

They therefore have to be very adaptable.

But they're not combatant. They're very competent.

No, no, no.

Not combatant. Oh, well, speak up, because I can't hear what you're saying.

Are they entitled to bear arms?

Oh, yes. Bear legs, bear anything they like.

time, of course. Are they ever called upon to kill? Yes, indeed.

Have you ever killed? Well, I've been pretty close to it once. I remember I

with a bunch of officers and we'd been on the wine for quite a bit, you know.

Red wine.

White wine. The river wine.

We saw these tin cherries, you see. Oh, tasty.

Who? The tin cherries. I'm talking about tin cherries.

I mean, they've got a handle to their name, you know.

I observed them lying by a fat wench, you see.

A German girl. Who? The fat wench. No, I said they were lying by that wench.

And they all spotted me except one little officer.

And they all, of course, went off, you know.

I had him to my side. I was going to shoot and I thought, I don't know. I saw

that look on his face, that lovely warm smile on his face underneath that little

Charlie Chaplin moustache.

Those lovely warm human eyes under that shock of black hair.

And I thought to myself, no, I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I said, go on now.

Blow off, is the answer.

I didn't say that. I don't want to, because you're sending it.

Off he went.

Come and see here, Adolf, said his comrades.

And I'm glad I didn't kill him, because it wouldn't have made any difference to

the war, would it?

Thank you very, very much. Well, eat well.

Whether my next guest will ever...

Thank you.

Whether my next guest will ever get into the Guinness Book of Records is a

matter of conjecture. For Mrs Smiley claims to have watched every ITV

since its inception in 1955.

I mean, I've enjoyed every minute of it. It's been wonderful, wonderful.

Now, what is your current favourite show, Mrs Smiley?

Comedians?

Do you watch the comedians?

That is the show where all these men tell these far -fetched stories.

And the viewers laugh at them.

Is that party political broadcast?

No.

I'm going to have to see a programme over and over again before it sinks in.

not very bright, you see.

Over and over a lot. Do you think the ITV present a well -balanced schedule? I

think I'm marvellous, I do. I mean, honestly, sometimes you get drama and

romance right at the same time you do. What about an example?

Well, what about that boy, the risks that boy takes to get that box of

chocolates for that girl?

Oh, I tell you, when he goes over that bridge of that car at night...

that one, and when he gets there, what does he do? He puts the chocolates by

bedside and walks away.

A lot of men would have woke her up and give her one.

My husband would, I tell you.

But I mean, like, this boy, if he puts them there because he knows, right, he

can perhaps come back tomorrow and give her two or three.

Oh, I think it's wonderful. And the medical scientific ones they get on are

marvellous. I like those.

Oh, I do. They show you how to mend a split hair.

How about that, eh? Haven't we progressed?

I mean, it's only not long ago they invented the steam engine and now they

mend a split hair.

Marvellous, isn't it?

And they tell you how to kill 99 % of all household germs.

Dead!

I don't suppose you could kill them any other way, would you?

And they tell you how to get rid of... That means body odor, do you know that?

Yes, I did know that. I only just found out, because I always thought it meant

body didn't.

And then there's all the deodorants, aren't they marvellous? The deodorants,

well, they've got specialised ones now, you know, for all different parts.

I mean, you can squirt them under the arms, under the feet, and under the

circumstances.

That's all I do, really.

Lovely. You mentioned a little while ago, you mentioned your husband. What

of shows does your husband watch? Well, I'll tell you one he likes best, and

that is the one where that nice lady is sort of in the wood near a castle and

she's eating a bar of chocolate flake.

He likes that one.

He says it makes him feel all romantic.

I don't think why.

And he likes those other ones where those girls roll about in the water,

they? Sometimes like in the jungle when they, you know, they roll in the water.

And by the seashore, a girl rolls about and she always leaves a cigar lying

nearby.

But she, like, don't want to get it wet, you see.

It's not nice when it's all wet.

Oh, he likes that other one where all the girls follow that man because he's

this pipe, you see.

And then he's got a friend, doesn't he, with a bald head.

And he likes those like that. And his friend gives him one, doesn't he?

Well, then he thinks he might take up the pipe again.

And he don't want to go up in them parachutes, you see.

Do you think perhaps there's too much sex on television?

Well, yeah, they get a bit saucy sometimes, don't they?

Well, yeah, what about that bank manager in the wardrobe?

I mean, you know, he ain't come to inquire about her overdraft, has he?

And how about that little milkman?

Sandra's father.

Oh, I said, wash your mouth out with nice castle and water, I said.

I said a thing like that. Is there anything that you don't like on

Well, I think some of these occult things, you know, the supernatural, it

frightens me, you know. Does it? Yes.

I mean, you know the one I mean, don't you? I mean, that one about extra

perceptions.

Extra -sensory perceptions.

As well, yes.

I have trouble with it at all.

I mean, those two men, you know the two I mean, don't you?

I mean, they manifest themselves sometimes as prisoners and

sometimes as policemen.

But they know without making any...

Delving into other people's minds like that.

Mrs.

Smiley, do you watch any other programmes on the other side? I mean, do

watch anything like Panorama?

Panorama?

Is that like the bar with the nuts on the outside? No, no, no. Because I never

watch commercials, you see.

Only once a... When the commercials come on, I go straight out the back. Well,

thank you. Always do. Thank you very much indeed, Mrs.

Smiley. Have you got a lather yet?

Star of such films as Man of Steel, Boss Man and Ramrod. Yes, you guessed it. It

could only be Hollywood's latest superstar, Butch Cafferty.

I thought that music was my favorite song. You know why?

Because it paid my bills.

Hey, remember Tequila Trail?

Remember Tequila Trail?

A wonderful picture, that.

It's not tequila, by the way. That's just plain ordinary water.

Butch.

This is your first trip to London. This is my first trip. And I'll forget about

it. Forget about it.

That's a nice material.

This is my first trip to London. I want you to know that as far as I'm

concerned, London is the most exciting, the most interesting city in the whole

of England.

I mean, that's a wonderful place. But your language. Oh, my God, your

Well, I tell you, I was at London Airport.

This character stood there, and I said, would you help me with my bag? He said,

sir, I can't help you with your bag.

Your bag, sir? He said, because I'm a clerk.

I said, Gary, why? He said, I'm a clerk.

I said, okay, sir, you're a clerk. He go, tick -tock, tick -tock.

I said, there's no course for alarm.

God, he laughed.

He had to out of something to the end.

Butch, now, you've just returned from Italy where you've been making one of

these Italian westerns. Oh, wait, what's up? Food in Italy. Oh, my God. I'm in a

restaurant there one night with this boy.

Oh, man, you know, fellow actor, very virile sort of man.

I was telling him, and I said, I said, wow, I said, if I have any more

and I burp, I'm going to lasso a waiter.

I don't know where that was.

Oh, the dialogue.

in those spaghetti western films. I tell you, the dialogue, it's the romantic in

quotes. You know what I mean?

Romantic in quotes. See it with someone you love.

Go by yourself.

What do you always say? Who cares?

Anyway.

There's this girl in this picture. Oh, my God, is she a hard -faced bitch. Oh,

my. Is it all right to say bitch on this program? Well, I think so. Is it okay?

Well, anyway, I don't know what you said. Anyway, she says to me, she has to

say, you're not in love with me, you're in love with your six -shooter.

In love with my six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Oh, wait till I tell you, there is this boy in this film, this full -blooded

Indian boy, you know, he's so gorgeous.

And this boy, in a virile sort of way, and this boy in this picture, you know,

he says, white men speak with forked tongue. I said, well, my God, none of us

are perfect.

He laughed.

Anyway, well, I tell you, I have gotten me a Savile Row suit. Now, how about a

Savile Row suit? Oh, quite the English gentleman.

In tweed, yes, tweed.

And I tell you what, I'm walking across Hyde Park there, and I'm wearing the

tweed suit. You know, I got down in the silver shoes.

with the little gold furs, you know. They're functional, you know. Well, you

know, I'm a lemon sock, and I got the green shirt, you know, with the red tie.

And my statement was, this is my trademark, would you think.

And I was walking along, and there was this workman by the side of the road.

God, he was gorgeous. He had muscles all over his face. And he looked at me in a

very sort of way. And he looked at me, and he said, hey, you, he said, where's

your earrings?

I nearly died.

Earrings with tweeds.

You know yourself that earrings, you know, and... You know you have very nice

eyes? No, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding. He's got very nice... I mean

really mean that. You have very nice eyes. Are they blue?

It's hard to tell under these lights, you know.

In what way do you think the English and British... What way do you think the

British differ from the Americans?

I would say they're more sincere.

They're much more sincere.

And as I always say, be sincere.

Even if you don't mean it.

Be sincere.

I tell you, in Hollywood, everybody has an image. Everybody over there is

putting up a front. They've all got fronts.

Nobody's got any behinds anymore.

And I'm over here with this gorgeous boy. God, he's gorgeous. Kid, I'm

dressing room with an English actor.

God, he's... Honestly, I don't usually share because I'm a star.

But he's showing us this young actor, and he's gorgeous, and he's so sincere,

you know, because a lot of young, good -looking men are conceited. I try not to

be. I like it because he's the same way, because, folks, honestly, this is not

the real me.

Honestly, you meet me in the street, you wouldn't recognize me. I wear furs,

nylons, fenders, long black gloves.

I'm kidding, of course. They know I'm kidding. What a...

Of course, I'm kidding.

Why isn't he kidding?

Butch, there must be very many pressures on you.

Hmm?

Pressures on you.

Oh, pressures. I thought you said pressures.

I thought I was getting through to you.

Wow!

But anyway, you know, I'm a sinister father.

But the thing is, now let me just tell you this. I was saying to my eldest son

this morning, I said, Karen, I said... I was speaking, I said, I'm worried. Are

you a married man?

No, no, no. Don't do it.

Not as good as the real thing, I promise you.

But my wife, oh, my wife, she gets on to me early morning till late at night.

She's on to me all the time. I hate her. I really do, because she says I'm a

feminist. I said, well, compared to you, everybody's a feminist.

What chance have you got of me? My father was the female impersonator. My

was the principal boy.

Well,

now, Butch, let's change the subject. I understand that you're writing...

Writing your first book. Is it in any way autobiographical?

Butch.

Butch.

Well, Butch, we could go on talking like this for hours.

Unfortunately, that old clock on the wall tells me that we have only 43 and a

half minutes to go.

With that, it's goodbye this week. Look in next week when we shall have the more

interesting people for you.

Much more interesting.

A small, strong ale, please.

Certainly, sir.

There's a street near Plymouth, though, where sailors like to go.

There's a name there called the Fawlty Pussy Cat.

It's a broken -hearted gal with the name of Fat -Eyed...

On her feet beside the bar you'll find her fat.

She'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear, sip your wine and swig your beer,

sing a simple song though slightly flat.

She used to juggle with a carrot, or banana than a parrot, but things got

and she had to eat the axe.

Oh, said a tear, said a tear, that I fell, that I fell, all her hopes and

will fade and fall apart, fall apart, and be thin -feared, be thin -feared,

in your hand you hold your love of heart.

To the seamen she was deprived.

A real fight for four eyes.

And the officer, they smiled on her as well.

And Captain Fidney Smart took one look, then lofty fart, though he brought his

married lady through the smell.

One night he felt her fockley five.

Felt that I love you till I die. Let me feel it. Let me feel it with a kiss.

Bound of anger filled the air. He held a knife and smiled, so it had come to

this. The knife was aimed at Salford's boobum. He parried with a cupon. It was

spinning, bubble, vaulting through the air.

He aimed it up in Sydney, just below his kidney. Food and screaming went before

him lying there.

But fed a tear.

Fed a tear. And I fell.

And I fell. All her hope and dreams were faded and fall apart.

Fall apart.

To your own gal.

Remember in your hand you hold a young girl.

So rough to fit me fried.

Oh, speak to me, she cried.

She forked some whiskey down him from a nearby glass.

And she nursed him night and day and discreetly turned away when she gave him

his injection in his car.

On his cheek there came a fluff.

He tipped her hand that made her bluff.

Fief marred happily to see him looking so well.

Soon he could stand on his own feet and walk unaided down the street. For we

went off and married Lady Foof and Snell.

And we fed a tear. Fed a tear. On that I bow.

On that I bow. All her hopes and dreams will fade and fall apart.

Fall apart.

And Fief in fear.

Fief in fear. To your own gown.

To your own gown. Remember in your hand you hold another heart.

Whatever plimmers way and down that street you chow to stray, and you feel

foolhardy and adventurous, think carefully before you venture through the

beneath the fwinging fine of that fly old poof.

Go and drink with filthy Farrah, or cattle market Clara, or knickers Nell,

they're all sweet and refined.

But if your heart is filled with lust, and drink with value not, Remember, see

how buffered, so be kind.

And if, when we've had a few, hold her close to you, and you think you're in a

dream, though you're awake, don't be taken by for pride, if when we've closed

her eyes, we've called you Darling Sidney by mistake.

fed a tear.

For that I fell.

All her hope and dreams will fade and fall apart.

And be sincere to your own girl.

Remember in your hand you hold your love of heart.

And they tried to put us down. They said there's always trouble whenever we're

around. But we made it.

The love and dance and sing.

In peace with one another.

It was there we did our thing. We came to Woodstick.

Woodstick.

thick to be milk.

Strawberries. Definitely strawberries.

It's tangy.

I don't know what it is.

Here. I've been looking for that paint.

Touch up your balustrade. Touch up your balustrade in a minute for God's sake.

And now for our autumn fashion parade.

Here is Trudy wearing a lovely skirt and bolero in brown suede with a cinnamon

motif.

The ensemble can be worn with a belt or equally attractively without a belt.

And now for the gentlemen.

Here is Jeremy and his new letter kit, all set for an evening out among the jet

set.

the non -smoker.

And when the evening feels a little warm, he can remove the jacket to reveal

novel touch, the backless shirt.

His ensemble can be worn with the belt or, equally attractively, without the

belt.

I didn't use my deodorant today.

I didn't use my deodorant yesterday.

I might not use my deodorant tomorrow.

Oh, please, please use it tomorrow.

Hi

there.

I'm Cheryl.

I've got 747s going to Miami.

Fly me.

And candy.

I've got two thirty -eight. Go.

I'm sorry, can I go? I'm sorry.

Tim's TV Panto, take one.

So this is Turnham Green.

My, you're a pretty one and no mistake.

What say you, Dobbins?

And candy.

I've got jumbos. Go...

And

now, beachwear.

Here's Gypsy, all ready for her summer holidays in a blouse jacket in fabulous

brown and gold chiffon.

And when the sun comes out, she removes her jacket to reveal a daring swimsuit

in eye -catching canary yellow.

So it's on with the sunglasses and down to the beach.

And here's Jeremy.

And

here's

Jeremy again.

on what is in red and black carefree cotton.

And when the sun comes out, he slips off his jacket to show his gay matching

crease shedding pattern.

So it's on with his trendiest sunglasses and down to the beach.

Hi there. I'm Candy. I've got 747s going to my mammy.

Miami.

Oh, fly me?

Oh, fly me.

Good noon, men.

Good

noon,

men, after ladies, gentle buddies.

And a spaceship welcome to all the little poisoned girls.

And when I say poisoned girls, I don't mean little girls who have taken poison

and become poisoned girls.

I mean, of course, all the little chilblains.

So much for German satire.

Die Glock streicht ein.

Die Glock streicht ein.

Die Glock... Nein, hier

in der Hand. In der Hand.

In der Hand. In der Hand.

In der Hand.

In der Hand. In der Hand.

That's Tim's television.

And now we have a solo by our solo singer, who is called Siegfried.

This young man. This young man... You are Siegfried? Yes.

A young man?

You have a good pair of lungs for a young man.

You have a good pair for a woman.

Mein ganzer schöner Tokus. Ja.

Und so sieht Jungmann gesingen eine.

So lohnt es sich ein.

Kleines Wuppi hat verloren, Herr Schief. Und weiß nicht, wo sie forschen.

Lebt sie allein und die will kommen heim. Ja.

Mit der dingle, dongle, dingle, dingle.

Du will eine bunche Fumpf auf der Hute gehabt.

Go und geht Stufen.

Du gehört das.

Nicht an deine Nelly.

Das war sehr schön.

Sehr gut.

Nein, sehr, sehr, sehr gut.

Sieh mich später in the dressing room, ja?

So, jetzt, meine Damen und Herren, eine Kinderpoem für das erste Mal in English

mit Helmut.

Lisa is the best of people in all the class.

And they're singing in English.

And little Jack.

Little Jack corner.

Corner. Yeah, good.

Corner. That and I'm a stool.

That and I'm a corner.

Oh, yeah.

Corner.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

He put in his... What happened he could put in?

What happened he could put in? It

is too

warm.

Will eine Blister gegetten.

He... He put in his... He put in his thumb.

And pulled out.

What? Pulled the man out?

Come on, what happened here? Pulled out.

Well?

sticking in, yeah? Yeah. So it must be the time what they're taking out.

That figures, yeah.

Nein.

He pulled... He pulled out a plum.

Helmut, am I getting through to you? He pulled out a plum.

So we have a piece of classical music.

Mozart and Liszt.

And that one is... We have Erste von Mozart.

We have in the Rondo...

Yes, I do!

Thank you very much

until we meet again on behalf of

Thank you.