Original subtitles

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill.

Now you go down to the ballet and you're eager for a dance. You see a lovely

stranger and your eyes meet white boy's chance.

She's warm and she's desirable with a figure meant to hug. So you stand eight

feet apart and do the frog. But in the tango, you get the chance to hold her

so near. And you gaze into her lovely eyes that bloom.

And while you're dancing, you whisper sweet nothings in her ear. And she says

sweet nothings and we continue.

Now you give her here a nibble, you give her a cheek a peck. You've got her in a

grip of steel, you're breathing down her neck. And then she says those magic

words that thrill you through and through.

You've been eating pickled onions, haven't you?

I'll poo.

Once I met a girl called Titty who was pretty as could be. She lived up in the

city and she asked me round to tea.

But pretty witty kitty, she tried to pull my leg. So I hit her, what a pity,

with a soft -boiled egg. Then the wireless made a tango and I held her in

arms. As we swayed and we glided round the room.

And when her dad come in, we carried on. Alas, I didn't know he was deaf and he

couldn't hear the tune.

Oh, he punched me in the ear hole and he hit me with a vase.

He chased me down the garden and I slipped up on the grass.

With the tango, the dance of love.

Oh, no!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen. Jolly nice to be with you

again. Now, for those of you who are spending your holidays this year in

here is an item of special interest.

Bonsoir. Good evening.

Ah, il y a quelqu 'un à la porte. There is someone at the door.

C 'est Claude. He is my friend.

So I say, entrez. Come in. But if I did not like him, I would say, allez -vous

-en and slam the door.

But I like him. So I say, entrez. Come in.

I must make him welcome.

So, where do I take him?

Dans la cuisine, in the kitchen?

Non. Dans la salle de bain, into the bathroom?

Non.

Dans la chambre à coucher, into the bedroom?

No, no, no, no. That will not do.

No, I will take him dans la salle à manger, into the dining room.

I should say, asseyez -vous, sit down.

Là -bas, over there.

Il fait chaud. It is hot.

Devrais -je enlever ma jaquette?

Should I take my jacket off?

Non, parce qu 'il fait pas assez chaud. No, because it is not warm enough.

Perhaps he's hungry.

Nous avons ici un délicieux gâteau de chocolat. We have here a delicious

chocolate cake.

Is he hungry?

At il fin?

Yes, he is hungry.

Will he have some cake?

Non, parce qu 'il est déjà trop gros. No, because he's already too fat.

Now it is time for Claude to go.

As he is my friend, je vais lui donner un gros baiser. I will give him a

big kiss.

A notice.

We say gros baiser and not grand baiser.

There is a subtle difference, but of this we will talk later.

Donc, je vais lui donner un gros baiser. I will give him a big kiss.

But of course in the negative, it is je ne vais pas lui donner de gros baiser. I

will not give him a big kiss.

Now then, what shall we do the next weekend?

Le week -end prochain.

Shall we spend it together in my house in the country?

Dans ma maison à la campagne?

Non. Shall I spend it in Claude's apartment?

Dans l 'appartement de Claude?

No, no, no, that won't do.

Non, nous irons chez les nudistes. We will spend it together in the nudist

colony.

Ah, tout nu au soleil dans la campagne, c 'est magnifique sous le ciel bleu. How

lovely it is to troll it.

Claude and I, all naked in the countryside under the glorious sunshine.

Now don't forget, switch on next week, same time, and hear how Claude breaks

leg and cannot go with me to the movies.

Thank you.

Mervyn, how long have you been in show business?

Ever since I was 17.

Eight years.

Eight years?

Nearly eight years.

And what position are you holding at the moment?

I'm sort of like upright but relaxed, like you say.

No, I meant in show business. Oh, I'm sorry.

I beg your pardon? I'm a chorus boy.

How did you start?

Well, you see, it all started for me down in Bournemouth.

When, unbeknownst to myself, my then -fiancée took a snapshot of me while I

at the water's edge having a paddle.

She sent the snap up to the town hall.

The next thing I knew, I'd been entered for the knobbly knees contest.

Well, I didn't want to let my fiancée down, so I went through with it, but I

can't tell you how I felt stood up there in front of all those ogling women with

my kneecaps.

Completely naked.

After the competition, which incidentally I won, there was a party

my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the sweet life.

I tasted the dolce vita of Boscombe and Poole.

Is there any truth in the rumour that there is a certain amount of cheating in

the Noblinese contest?

I'm ashamed to have to tell you this, but some of the men wear falsies.

What?

flesh -coloured plastic kneecaps.

Got to the stage now where before every competition a nurse goes round with a

little hammer, tapping them and testing them.

I can't tell you how embarrassing it is when one of them drops off.

It's getting to be like a cattle market now. It's no wonder I joined the men's

liberation movement.

You found yourself in several touring plays. I believe you played Leeds. Yes,

did. In Manchester and Birmingham.

Oh, yes.

I was a bit of a hell -raiser in those days.

They used to call us the Rat Pack.

Not just me. There was Athene Siler.

Edith Evans.

Kathleen Harrison. Robert Morley.

All our drinkers, you know.

After the show every night, we'd go into the Queen's Arms there.

Many's the night I've downed as many as seven pints of shandy straight off.

You lived life with a big L.

And sometimes I suffered pain with a big P.

Like when I met this terrible agent.

This lady producer.

She said, I'm having a surprise party. I got a surprise when I got there, I can

tell you.

Carrying on like that was disgraceful.

It's like that film about Gomorrah and that other place, you know.

A tower of barbell there it was. It was full of beatniks with long sideboards

full of drink.

I mean, they had sideboards and it was full of drink.

Some of the men was just as bad.

I tell you, they were witches there. They were practising witchcraft. Not

lady witches, but men witches. They had men witches there.

Wallop. It's true, I tell you.

She's waiting for you in her den. So, of course, I went straight in.

Well, you're really taking an awful chance.

I mean, you're really very attractive.

I know.

I thought I'd be all right, because everyone said she was a Lebanese.

Well,

I got in there, and she was all dressed up in this, like, leather gear, you

know. And she said, here, put that on, and she'd give me a Russian army

officer's uniform, give me a copy of the TV Times, and said, hit me with it.

She was a masochist. Well, she spoke fluent English.

Well, I come out of there, and all these, like, rich people, they was all,

stood around, you know, and they said they was going to have a symbolic

sacrifice. They was going to go out and get an 18 -year -old virgin.

Where was it?

Chelsea.

That's what I thought. Some hopes, you know.

Anyway, then they all started looking at me.

And what steps did you take? Bloody long ones, I tell you.

They were like a shock.

What plans have you for the future?

Well, I hope to get into a nice show with some decent people.

I've been offered this part in O 'Calcutta, you see.

O 'Calcutta? Yes. Well, it'll be full of Indians, won't it, you know.

And I've seen them on the television, in the documentaries, when they barf in

the Ganges, they don't even take their nightshirts off. So there won't be any

nudity or anything like that.

Merlin Craddy, thank you.

Did you really find me attractive?

No, I didn't know if you did.

.

Ladies and gentlemen... I just wanted to pop in to explain something to you. You

know, in the sketch we did a little while ago, it looked like I got on an

lady's back and she carried me all over the countryside, you know.

What it really was was this, actually. If I step into that, you see, and run,

and these legs are put round here, it looks for all the world like it's an old

lady carrying me.

I just thought I'd tell you that, though.

Well, I didn't want you to think that I'd expect, you know, an actress like

to run all over the countryside with nearly 11 stone on her shoulders.

But, no, ladies and gentlemen, seriously, there's a lot of things, you

about television that people, I'm sure, don't understand. You know, for example,

some people think that sketches and songs and little interviews like we did

now write themselves. I think we make it up as we go along. We have a script,

you know, from... Have you got my... Could you get my...

Isn't it there, Dennis?

I think I left it up in Jenny's room.

No, Bettine's room, I think.

Or maybe the ladybird's room, I'm not too sure.

Not a funny show, but a happy show.

No, seriously, no, ladies and gentlemen, you know, I mean, a script, as I say,

it has to be written. I have to write it myself. And sometimes, you know, to

meet a deadline, I have to stay awake, you know, with black coffee and ice

on my head till, you know, maybe half past four or five o 'clock in the

afternoon.

Ah,

have you got one? Yes, time, time.

Now, I can't see, ladies and gentlemen, you know, how much you can see. I don't

know. Did his hand come into shot then?

No, you see?

And I know why, because if his hand had come into shot, they'd have had to pay

him five pounds.

You have to think, that is true.

Anybody's hand comes into shop, five pounds.

Foot, eleven pounds.

They figure that the foot is more important than the hand, and the more

important the part, the more the money.

That's what I thought.

They'll never have old Calcutta on television.

Never. Anyway, this is the script, ladies and gentlemen. It's about, what

now? 32 pages long, and across the front there, you know, it says the Mike and

Bur... The Mike and Bernie Winters show.

Just there.

Ah.

And they've done it.

Which one goes up?

We go out first.

Ah.

Bernie in drag.

That means dressed up as a woman.

In case you didn't know.

Any man who dresses up as a woman can't be all bad, that's what I... You are

Bernie as woman. Great, great, great.

Mike as policeman. Don't you mean rape? No, there was a bunch of them.

What do you call a man who marries another man?

A vicar.

How do male elephants find female elephants in the long grass?

Very nice.

He's another example of how, you know, explaining things on television. Now,

down here, it says, what do you mean?

What do I mean? What do you mean?

Guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh.

Now, you wouldn't know what that meant. But that means, doesn't it? It means,

what do you mean, what do I mean? Yee!

Now, I'm being naughty.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my very great pleasure to introduce three delightful

ladies who really do scintillate, sometimes till ten. Here they are, the

delightful Lady Bird.

They long to be close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky every

time you walk by?

Just like me, they long to be close to you.

On the day that you... were born the angels got together and decided to

a dream come true

together and decided to create a dream come true.

It's not half as you are.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I don't think I've seen you on the boat before.

No, I spend most of my time in the... You must have been very

lonely in there.

I was rather.

You know, I saw you this morning walking along the top deck, and I couldn't help

noticing you had a...

for me in Crete.

They don't make them like that nowadays.

Do you have a nice cabin?

Unfortunately, no.

I couldn't get one with a bathroom.

Must say I'm getting a bit fed up having to out of the porthole.

You know, you are really very pathetic.

Thank you.

Oh, I see.

Jenny. Hello.

Slummy. Oh, he's very... He's a very influential person.

His mother is Edward Heath.

She sounds quite a woman.

Oh, she is.

Here comes that lady from Hancock.

Oh, is she Chinese?

She lives in Cincinnati now. Hi, Jenny.

I'm living in sin with my scooper and butler.

If you'd care to join me for a cocktail, I'll be in the bar.

I say, I must...

I'm awfully sorry. How dare you? I'll call the steward.

How about a song, Roger?

Yeah, how about it, sir?

Oh, no. You don't want to hear me tiptoe through the tulip.

But only if Jenny will with me. I'd love to tiptoe through the tulip. That is

where I'll be. Come tiptoe through the tulip.

It was loud there. Oh, you can... yourself.

Partner.

That's him. Over there.

Excuse me, sir.

Ticket.

Very well, I... Second class.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid so, madam.

I must ask you to leave this first class saloon immediately, sir.

Very well.

Is it true?

Are you really a second class passenger?

I'm most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

Thank you.

Oh, darling.

I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. I had no idea you were the owner. The

Oh, yes, madam.

Mr. Rogers shipped all over the place.

Oh, Jenny.

Not still.

messenger.

moments that go wrong on the TV.

But it are not only the British gentle ladies men that

go and sketch.

Isn't it?

Señor Lopez, por favor, señor Lopez.

Allons, jeune homme, mange ton petit déjeuner. Tu vois, nous avons beaucoup d

'oeufs. Oui, tante Est.

Elles sont délicieuses, des oeufs.

Allez travailler sur un oeuf.

Il faut rebiller.

Vous savez, tante Est, that I'm going to make a very big omelette with... Oh, my

God.

That, then, come on.

Coupé, coupé, oh, la, la.

What a story.

Oh, no, but it's not really good, my old man.

Alors, peut -être c 'est vrai, chef.

Alors, hop, vous jeunes varmintes, venez ici.

Oh, gee willikers, Paul, qu 'est -ce qui se passe maintenant?

Vous êtes arrivés ici sans invitation.

Je suis fâchée. Tiens, tiens.

Das, was wir feinden hier in München.

Neun out of ten Frauen kennt Nikkel, die dir kommt, mit einem Stück von Butter.

Aber wir haben keine Taste Detect.

Eine Challenge, 200 Mark, if du kennst ein Stück von Butter. Wollen Sie es

Ja. Ja, dann komm hier rein. 200 Mark, if du kennst...

Wo ist meine Frau?

Ehrlich gesagt, wo warst du?

Ich war in die Karawelle mit diesem Mann.

for two minutes.

But I'm your husband.

Yes, and his wife can tell the difference.

That's stuck.

Why don't you try it, Maggie?

Oh, no.

It is too powerful for me.

But you drink so much of it.

No, I don't like that.

But I like the man who drinks.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

Thank you.

Thank you, Hughie. Thank you. We can begin now. Come, come. No, I don't want

You don't want to?

But, Herbert, you must.

Not on your Nelly.

And what can he do with that button?

The show is over.

No, no, no.

What is no, no, no? Scotland, yes.

The show is over. We're going with the three singing women.

The three women with the little tits and the big tits.

Hello, boys and girls. Hello.

Oh, very nice. Now, before we begin our little party, I think I ought to

practice my party piece.

Now, this doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be any less.

This doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be any less. No, no,

no, no, no. This doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be

any less.

Listen, Teddy Lamb.

You've got to get it right, you know, otherwise they'll lose confidence with

Just hold on there a moment.

I understand.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I say. I don't wish to know that.

Kindly leave our house.

That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it.

That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it.

That's the way to do it. Mary.

Mary, for goodness sake, stop reading that perp's in. Put some HB sauce on

there. Put some sauce on there.

Now, boys and girls.

I want to talk about our little party now, because I don't want you in our

party. I don't want to join your rotten little party. All you're doing is going

round and round in concentric circles, disappearing up your own inflationary

spiral. Oh, you're a very nasty, vulgar boy. That's what you are. And you're a

horrible, naughty boy. No, don't do that. I'll kill Enoch. I'll kill Enoch.

help, help, help.

Enoch, Enoch, Enoch.

I just come to tell you that he can't come.

Who can't come?

Sir Alec Douglas Holmes.

Oh, Enoch, Enoch, how many times have I got to tell you? It is huge.

Huge. Why can't he come?

He done gone to bed with flu.

Enoch, Enoch, I think you better sing the song. Okay, ma 'am.

Now when the saints.

Yes, when the saints. Go marching in. Go marching in.

sent me a parcel. I thought that it was food. It was something rather rude. Oh,

let's go, Marty.

Oh,

let's go, Marty. Oh,

let's

go, Marty.

Oh, let's go, Marty.

you knickers in a twist.

I don't know.

Bloody great trip.

Yeah. He look like sad boy to everything view.

Yeah, yeah, so, so you should have been here last night. Oh, it's a rubbery big

brawn lady.

Rubbery bit of clump it. Yeah.

We were big blisters.

No, no, no, no blisters. Blisters.

Little city, yeah.

That's why I say you not get many of them to a pound.

Yeah, I was a sing for her. I was a sing. Ah, do you think I would let you

the street when there room in my bed for two?

She was rowing.

I should make a little sermon. Then go to a little church.

Yeah, yeah, okay, sir. I'll go now, yeah.

See you later, alligator.

Hey, cookie boy.

What do you want to start with? You want to start with an appellative?

What was that you said before you spoke?

I said, do you want a drink?

Do you want a glass of Shelly?

I'm begging your pardon?

A glass of Shelly.

Oh, a glass of Shelly.

Yeah.

You're a great idiot.

out of whiskey wine.

Ah, you want to spill it?

No, I don't want to spill it. I want to drink it.

Look, I don't say spill it. I say spill it!

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Oh, yes, I'm sure she is.

Oh, no, you talk so funny. You not come from London?

Oh, no, I come from a place many miles from London. Ah, yeah, yeah. Where's

that? Birmingham.

you wasn't from around here. We no can give you a whiskey wine because we no

have a writing for spirit.

Oh, well, then I should be pleased to take a cup of coffee. Yeah, okay. How

want your coffee?

Like I like my women. Hot and sweet.

Black or white?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Okay, now what you want to eat?

Well, I don't see any poppadoms, curry or chapatis on here.

Poppadom chapati? We no shop a fallen muck here.

We ought to have a good home cooking. Look, if you can't see it and you can't

smell it, we ain't got it.

That's not what you want, the order.

Well, in view of the statement which you have just vouched, I shall partake of

egg foo young.

Yeah, take a tip from me. Don't have egg foo young. Don't have egg foo young.

This is not egg, it's not young, it's just foo.

Look, why you no try a chopped suey?

A chopped suey? Not chopped suey. I never come across such a thing in my

before.

Look. Chop suey is a vegetable. It's only some vegetables.

It's a... Cerely.

It's a... Blossom splouts.

It's a... Scarlet loners.

It's a... It's a... It's a blockery.

No, no, no, no, no. Have a chop suey. Cool. No, no, no. Why you no try?

Choo -chin -choy. You'll like that. That's the very best. You have a choo

-choy? Choo -chin -choy. Okay, Choo -chin -choy.

Hey, chow.

I've got a stupid area here.

We're going to have a sushi and soy.

I don't know.

I don't know. Hey, I say, I say you there. Hey, come get in.

Hey, oi.

You want to have a dessert?

Well, what have you got on offer? I can have a Bremonch. Any flavor you like.

I have a goose belly, a lost belly.

Robbery Jerry.

I beg to be excused?

I say, how you know I'm a Robbery, Robbery Jerry?

Oh, lovely, wobbly jelly. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, pretty great trick.

Yeah, okay, sir. Is he coming up now? Yeah.

You've got to write a shoo -shin -chow. It's a very nice shoo -shin -chow.

It's like fried lice.

I beg your pardon? It's all a plate full of fried lice. Oh, no, no.

Fried lice.

Yeah, that's what I say. Yeah, yeah. No, please.

Fried lice. You are saying fried lice. Fried lice. You see, it's not difficult

when you try.

Oh, you, you're right. That's a very nice... Oh, is it flesh?

Yeah, flesh this morning. Oh, no, no, please, no. Is it flesh?

Meat? Oh, meat, meat. Yeah, that's meat, yeah.

Well, what kind of meat? Oh, it's a meat meat.

Is it couscous?

Hmm? Is it couscous?

No couscous.

Puss, puss.

Very well cooked.

Wait a minute. I was only joking.

Stupid area.

Like a road of cobras.

Excuse me, sir.

Maybe you would like to try a specialty house. It's called a two -teen toy.

It's very nice.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Very nice indeed.

I'm afraid that's all we have time for, but we hope to see you all again very,

very soon. Until then, bye -bye.

um um