Original subtitles

Rubber balloons!

Get your lovely rubber balloons!

Rubber balloons!

Get your lovely rubber balloons!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my goodness! What's the matter? Rubber hands!

Rubber face!

Rubber face!

Rubber balloons!

Welcome to the Benny Hill Show!

And here is Benny Hill!

are nine carats to remind me of the ring I bought for you.

Some mint for all the lovely things we mint to do.

A lettuce because your mum and dad would not let us alone.

I won't put in the truffles. You've got truffles of your own.

An hearty choke for the hearty jokes your father used to tell.

And as he was a Welshman, we'll have a leek as well.

And your cousin, the religious one, go thank him only up for him some loaves

fishes because that's all he ever does.

And there's a heartache and a memory and just a tear or two in a broken -hearted

lover's tomb.

There is a swede for the Scandinavian man you left for me. An egg, because you

used to egg me on incessantly. And your little baby brother, what a messy little

kid. For him, some wine and water, because that's all he ever did.

Oh, I was fond of olives, and you liked herbs, I know. I gave up seeing olive,

but herb didn't want to go.

So for the man who won you, there is one thing I must do.

Put in some sage and onions, because he wants nothing too.

He needs a heartache and a memory and just a tear or two.

In a broken -hearted lover's stew.

And now for some more examples of that look number seven. You know, that look

that you get when something totally unexpected happens.

Your mistress tells me you're too sick to do the housework. Is that right?

Oh, no, doctor, I'm no sick.

But she owes me 45 shillings in back wages.

I'm no moving from this bed till I get my 45 shillings.

She owes me £8 .10.

Move over.

No, I'm wearing black for my poor departed husband.

How long has he been gone?

Ten minutes.

He went back to one.

No, my dear, you haven't got Asian flu.

You've got Egyptian flu.

You're going to be a mummy.

What do you want?

I was wondering, Mr. Beckenheimer, if there's a part of me in your new show.

I don't know.

Show us your legs.

Gladys, I can't chat to you now. It's my wedding night.

I'll call you back in five minutes.

Oh, I do wish my husband wouldn't leave his slippers lying around.

This is the time of year when we're all booking up for our summer holidays.

So when... I thought that I would come along and see... I thought I'd come

and see the cut -price holiday king himself.

Yes, you guessed it. Fred Scuttle. Good evening, sir.

Good evening, viewers. Happy holidays!

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle.

Now, Mr. Scuttle, if I was to come to you and say that I had a month's

holiday... Yes, sir. ...and only seven pounds to spend, could you tell me where

to go?

Yes, sir, I could, but I would not be so rude, sir.

Instead, I would advise you to take our 28 days of Thien Son on the French

Riviera, sir.

The French Riviera? On the Riviera, yes. But I've only got seven pounds,

remember? I understand, sir. You work for Thien's Television, don't you?

right, yes.

I get a lot of them in here, you know.

Mr. Scott, you know, it's amazing how you manage to keep your prices so low.

do you do it? By keeping our overall... Heads down and our undercarriage up,

sir. Oh, I would fly, would I? We have our own aeroplane, sir. Do you really?

Outside, sir, yes. It's a good one.

It's an ex -Air Force plane, sir. Oh, it was used during the war?

Yes, yes. But as soon as the war was over, I got it and it all worked on it.

got in there before anyone else? Oh, within two days of the Kaiser signing

armistice, I had it.

It's a first World War plane, a biplane.

At the moment, yes, sir.

If we get a stiff breeze during the night, it'll be a monoplane in the

Yes, indeed.

Now, tell me, Mr Scuttle, what kind of people go on these tours of yours?

Adventurous types, I would say.

Yes, sir. You know, I mean, one second, sir, I mean, they're on the ground, sir,

and then they hear the cry, contract, turn her over, fags out, chocks away.

No, they don't mind the sweet, sir.

And then they're up in the air with the wind whistling round their fuselage,

sir, bobbing about like a buffer wind in a colander there.

And where do you land?

I aim the plane at a place called Poker, sir. Poker? Yes, sir. Once or twice

we've actually landed there, sir. At the airport?

Not necessarily.

Usually we land on the municipal tennis court, sir. The tennis court?

How do you land in such a short space?

They leave the net up.

And, Mr. Scuttle, do you run this holiday business of yours entirely on

own? No, sir.

I am Miss Goose, then.

Yes, I do.

She is your secretary.

Well, you might say. Yeah, I suppose so, yes.

Like as well.

Like as well as what? As well as...

being our air hostess, you see. Oh, she straps them in.

There's no need to do that, sir. Not that we're attackers, sir. Now,

what amenities are there for the holidaymakers when they arrive?

Well, there's everything, sir. There's fishing or tennis.

Fishing and tennis? No, fishing or tennis, sir. We use the same net, you

Then, of course, there's Monsieur Alphonse, always on hand, so he looks

them, sir, runs the excursion coach, everything he does. How old is he? He's

sir. He looks after them, sir. He gets the gratuities? In the cold weather,

And he takes them around in the coach, he takes them to Montelimar, sir.

They stop at Madame Paulette's, then.

For a bit of nougat? No, it's only a cafe, sir.

As far as I know, sir. No, no, you misunderstood me, Mr. Scuttle. I mean,

go there to sample the local sweetmeats. What they do when they're off the coach

is no concern.

It doesn't come under my jurisprudence anything whatsoever.

It's not a no, sir. No, they have what is known as the gâteau de jour. And what

is that? Whatever happens to be on the pastry shelf at the time.

Mr. Scuttle.

Which would you say is your best bargain in holiday tours? I would say, sir, our

Eastern Promise tour, sir. Eastern Promise. Yes, sir. I have discovered

utilising the services of a fleet of ex -army surplus Dutch bull barges... Yes.

..third -class night economy Trans -Siberian cattle trucks... Yes.

..and a fleet of swift -moving, love -starved Bessarabian dromedaries...

I can get a passenger into outer Mongolia for four pounds ten, sir.

How about that? And do they enjoy it?

I don't know. I won't come back to you.

I suppose they must enjoy it. You'll be fancy a trip. You're looking a bit

peaky.

Harriet,

you know that? The other day, my old grandpappy Blooper, he was milking this

year a cow, you know, pulling things down like that.

And this year, a city slicker come up to him and he said, hey, old -timer, can

you tell me the time?

So he stopped to pull them and he started to lift them.

And he said, I'll tell you the time. He said, I'll tell you, it's about five

after four.

So he said, now, how can you tell that it's five after four just by lifting

things of hers?

He says, well, if I lift them high enough.

I can see the clock across the room.

Oh, wow.

And this old cow, Grandpappy, she up and died one day, you know, and he went to

the veterinary and he said, how come that old cow of mine died?

And he said, well, Grandpappy, I reckon she just pined away.

He said, now how could a cow pine away?

He said, well, look, he said, you've been pulling them things of hers for

two years.

Did you ever once ever think to tell her you loved her?

Old Grandpappy Blooper, he'd give me a book for Christmas.

Unlike ordinary books, it was a psychopathy.

That's like different, you know. That's full of learning.

Ooh, that's full of learning. That's full of things like about, tells you

the ancient Greeks.

Because they was like mythical, you know. Like men that wasn't all there.

There was a whole lot of them. There was the youth and Andy Rockles.

An old dodgy knee.

And there was one giant, and he only had one eye right in the middle of his

head. He was called Thococleps.

Then there was Pythagoras. Now, Pythagoras had a theorem, and it hurt.

And he invented arithmetic and algebra and trigonometry because he hated

children. And he just couldn't bear them.

And he was thinking about his friends.

He was...

If you folks ain't listening, you ain't going to get a little digged out of it.

I'll come out on top of that little digged out of it there. And, uh, old

Parthagoras, he's in the bath one day when he discovered something.

And, uh, I forget what it was.

Well, it's just a little thing.

And, uh, he get out the bath and he running down the road and there's some

workmen sitting by the side of the road. They was like eating onion soup and

garlic sausage and stuff like that. And he went up and he said, Eureka!

Eureka! And they say, you don't smell so darn good yourself.

And he said, no, Eureka, I have it. I have it.

And they told him what to do with it.

And then he tells you in the encyclopedia, tells you in the

the Chinese. You know, so many people living in China today, and the

of China is increasing so fast that if all the people who's living in China

today was to start marching for a breast, that's eight deep.

Past this here building, by the time they got to the end of the column, there

would be another generation marching behind them.

Now, what I want to know is, if they march in, whoo -wee, there'd be a little

diggy down in there, wouldn't there?

Wouldn't there be a little diggy down in there?

Right there, I'm going to see that.

I've got people from Chelsea to join in.

The heart belongs to Rachel, the gypsy in the woods. Oh, let us play at hide

-and -seek. One day she gaily cries.

Oh, close your eyes and count to ten while I go and hide.

And if you find me, I will let you have your way with me.

And if you cannot find me, I'll be right behind that tree.

And she blows her pants so good My heart belongs to Rachel The gypsy

of the woods She said, now if a snake should bite you Don't you worry, scream

shout Just send for me and I'll be there And I'll suck the poison out

I said, suppose I sit on one And it gets me in the end She

said, that's when you'll find out But I'm a real true friend.

My

heart belongs to

Rachel, the gypsy in the wood.

Oh, Rachel, I've seen you with your lover down by the cabbage patch.

His hair was long and black and he had fingernails too. Oh, you

promised you would be faithful, but you cheated and you were untrue.

But if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over you.

I know why they call you evil. You're wicked and you're no good.

No more will I see Rachel.

But you see...

There now, what bloody good's that done you?

There's the bank.

There's the safe. I'm only going to make a hole in the wall. I know, but... The

safe's there. I'll tell you when I'm there.

Put me hand through.

I can feel the handle.

One quick turn down.

Thank

you

very much. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those

moments of television when things go wrong...

Rather like the man who came home one day and found his wife.

Oh, nasty.

Yes, I've had it. You know I have.

Gave it to friends.

Not with my wife, you don't.

We've got to do the other end. Hang on to that one.

There we are. That's done it.

Come back a bit. That's a very good job. Have you got any fags on you?

Because I think, you know, a little smoke, we're in touch.

Don't need lots of soapy water.

Oh, no.

One bottle of splash gets the floor clean and bright in no time.

Good evening.

Will you join me for an hour and a half of music and fun from the Theatre of...

I think it's evening.

Black currant juice.

We wash one in a high -priced detergent, the other in Fair Deal Ben.

Result? Not a hapeth of difference.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to welcome to the show Fisher Noble.

I'm ready to go, I'm standing here outside your door I

hate to wake you up to say goodbye But

the dawn is breaking, it's early morn Taxi's waiting, he's blowing his

horn Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

to go There's so many times I've let you down

So many times I've played around I tell you now They

don't mean a thing Every place I go I

think of you Every song I sing I sing for you When I come back

I'll wear you wedding ring.

the time has come to leave you one more time let me kiss you then

close your eyes I'll be on my way

dream about the days to come when

I won't have to leave alone about the times I won't have

to say

to go.

Opportunity is knocking.

One week running.

Here is the man who made it all possible, Huey Cream.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you tremendously, ladies and gentlemen. It's wonderful to

here. Now, excuse me, but who did you, the viewers, vote for on last week's

show? And it is your vote that really counts. It really does. It really does,

ladies and gentlemen.

was that wonderful acrobatic olive stuffer from Down Under the Hampton, Ted

Tingle. And in second place was that wonderful, wonderful Lincolnshire lion

tamer, Claude Bottom.

But in first place, and coming through the door of opportunity right now, is a

man with an educated throat, a man who sang a wonderful, very difficult to sing

Marion McKeever's click song. Here he is coming through the door of opportunity

now.

Anything interesting, exciting happen to you at all?

Yes, Huey, the wife had twin.

A boy and a girl.

See anything else?

No, just a boy and a girl.

I was right into that one, didn't I?

Well, off you go now, Ivor.

Ivor's going off now to sing the song that he sang last week, that very, very

difficult to sing song with the throat noises, the Marion McKeever's click

So we're going to hear now how Ivor clicks with all the girls.

What do you mean, ah, ah, ah?

Uncle Bob Sharpie in the voice. Yeah.

So here is Ivor Burroughs with Marion McKeever's click song. Yes, Ivor

Burroughs.

Thank you tremendously, ladies and gentlemen, for the wonderful voice of

Burroughs. I have sitting beside me a very charming young lady. Do you mind if

ask your name?

I beg your pardon, could you speak up, please? Frida Carsey.

Can I call you Frida?

I'd like to. I do, I do.

Tell me, Frida, do you, um, do, uh, what do you do for work? What sort of work

do you do? I don't work. I'm a housewife.

You don't work because you're a housewife?

Well, I think the housewives do work. I think the housewives of this country

work darn hard, don't you?

Oh, come on, let's hear it for the housewife.

I really work hard. I really do. Now,

then,

tell me, Peter, do you have any hobbies?

I collect buttons.

You collect buttons?

That's most exciting.

Tell me, how many do you have?

2 ,000.

Oh, I've never collected buttons. Stone ones and china ones?

I've never collected buttons.

Oh, like the metal ones?

I've never collected buttons. There's no flies on me.

But you can see where they've been.

I tell you, Freda, who are you going to introduce us to?

Fred and the Sophisticates. Is Fred a friend of yours?

No, he's my son -in -law.

We want to hear from them. We want to see them. And here they are.

Fred and the Sophisticates.

For whom?

Opportunities.

Me and me.

It's a bit romantic.

Every word you hear is like a lover's kiss.

I see the trees as twine in the trees

above.

They seem to me to be saying we were meant.

Romantic, merely to the young, on such a night as this is.

It's romantic, every word you hear, it's like a love of tears.

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it romantic?

Well, there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. For lovers of acrobatic

don't forget to vote, vote, vote for Fred and the Sophisticate.

Fred and the Sophisticate.

I'll spell that for you.

F -R -E -D.

I have beside me a very distinguished looking young man. May I ask your name,

sir? Iva Bunyan.

Oh, have you? No, that's my name.

Who are you going to introduce this to? Peter Long. He's impressionist. I see.

He does impersonation. All day and all night.

Half the time his wife don't know who she's sleeping with. The other night it

was Richard Burton.

This night they might as well be married.

Well, we want to see him. We want to hear him. And so for Peter Long and

partner, opportunity is knocking.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to imagine, if you will, that I'm throwing

big Hollywood party.

And look who's over there.

It's none other than Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre.

So tell me, Peter, did you manage to get the blanker?

No.

Then you mean that you didn't get the maker film?

No.

Life, Peter, is very cheap in Casablanca.

And so you shall die with this pistol I have in my pocket.

With a silencer on the end.

How could you do a thing like this to me?

I was your friend.

That will teach you.

to cross the Maltese Falcon.

I thank you, Peter Long and partners, for some really fine impersonations.

really were for us, weren't they?

And I think Bob Sharpie and the boys in the orchestra, they deserve a little

round of applause. Yeah, come on, I said, for some really fine

That's enough.

I'll give them some more money.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, once again, it's salute time.

Yes, we are saluting Aberneth, the city of Aberneth up there in Bonniskullen.

And I was up there recently myself with the English ladies football team, and

we... Come on, then. Yeah, all right. Let's hear it for the ladies football

team.

And while I was up there, I visited the city of Aberneth, and it is really a

very, very beautiful and wonderful city to come from. And I'm proud and

privileged tonight to have with us in the studio one of the councillors there,

Alderwoman Makepeace.

Hello there!

Tell me, Alderman... I nearly called you Alderman, and I'm

very sorry.

Alderwoman. I don't think we've... Have we on the... I don't think we've... I

don't think I've ever had an alderwoman.

We should try it sometime.

They don't yell. They don't tell them. They're so grateful.

I was right in saying that ten years ago, Abernest

was really little more than a village. Just a little, very small village.

We had to widen the main road to put a white light down the centre.

Tell me, who are you going to introduce here? Slim Whitmore and the Hurricanes.

I see. And tell me, where did you first see them performing?

At a fancy -dressed ball that my husband organized, you know. He came to music

at midnight, played the violin in his pajamas, and the string broke.

He went down walking back with his hot -coats on. Oh, we want to see them. We

want to hear them.

So, ladies and gentlemen, for Slim Whitmore and the Thunderbirds,

You could hear the upbeats pound as they raced across the ground, and the rattle

of the wheels as they went round and round.

And he galloped him to Market Street, his badge upon his chest. His name was

Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue. She lived all alone in Lilly Lane

at number 22.

They said she was too good for him. She was awfully proud and chic.

But Ernie had his cocoa there three times every week.

They called him Ernie.

Ernie! He drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

She said she'd like the bathing milk.

He said, all right, sweetheart.

When he finished work that night, he loaded up the cart.

He said, do you want it pasteurized? Because pasteurized is best.

She says, Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest. What?

he drove the fastest milk car in the West.

Now

Ernie

had a rival, a evil looking man, called Two -Ton Ted from Teddington, and he

drove the baker's van.

He tempted Sue with his trickle tarts and his tasty oatmeal bread, and when

saw the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned her head.

He went on the make with his dumpty. cake, and he said, if you treat me

you'll have hot roll every morning and crumpets every night. He knew if he'd

seen his macaroons, he'd have his wicked way, and all Ernie had to offer was a

pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie!

Ernie! He drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

Ah!

One lunchtime take saw Ernie's awesome car outside her door.

They drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four.

And as he leapt down from his van, hot blood to his veins did course, and he

went across to Ernie's cart, and he did not kick his ass.

His name was Trigger.

Trigger! And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the West.

Now Ernie ran into the street with his gold top in his hand.

He said, you want to marry Susie, you fight for her like a man.

Oh, why don't we play cards for her? He sneered in. Lee replied and just to make

it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side now Ernie dragged him from his

van and beneath the blazing sun they stood there face to face and Ted went

his bun but Ernie was too quick for him things didn't go the way Ted planned and

a strawberry flavoured yoghurt sent it spinning from his ass then soon she came

between them and she tried to keep them apart and a three day old rock cake for

Ernie underneath it

The concrete ardent crust of a stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie

bit the dust. Poor Ernie.

Ernie!

And he threw the butcher's milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 68.

He didn't want to die.

Now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky where the

customers are angels.

And a Milton's life is full of fun in that very dairy land.

But a woman's needs are manifold.

And Sue, she married Ted.

But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.

Was that the rustle of the leaves?

Or the creaking of the gates?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops?

A rattling in their crates?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for the exciting music of

Slim Whitmore and the Hurricane.

And now, it's make your face up time.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we bring back the artist for you to see.

And first of all, you heard the wonderful voice.

That wonderful man with a magic throat and sang that very difficult Marion

McKeever quip song. Here is Ivor Burroughs, who sang like this.

Yes,

we had that wonderful acrobatic dancing.

One of the finest acrobatic dancing I've ever seen in my life.

It was, of course, Fred and the sophisticates who performed for us. I

Isn't it romantic?

And it's Fred and the sophisticates who get a very well -deserved 27.

We next hear from that wonderful impressionist, Peter Longingpartner, who

impressed us.

And lastly, but by no means least, ladies and gentlemen, we have the very,

wonderful, very, very exciting music of Slim Whitmore and the Hurricanes, who

sang for us excitingly like this.

They called him Ernie.

Well, the viewers here in the studio, the audience in the studio, send Ivor

Burrell to the lead with a great 94.

But remember, it is you, the viewers at home. It is your vote that really

counts. They really do. So vote, vote, vote. Don't forget. And here's the

address to send your votes to.

Opportunities knocking.

14A, the Hollies, Brickle Bottom Hurts.

I'll just leave it to you just once more. Here it is again. Get your pencils

out. Opportunities nothing.

107 Peabody Building, Council Flats, Park Lane, W.

So don't forget, vote. Vote, vote, vote, because we do want your votes to help

these people up the stairway to stardom, and we really hope you're going to keep

voting. And until we meet again, look after yourselves. Goodbye, and God

Thank you.