Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Surely nice to be with you once again. I thought as it's a new series, we'd

start off with a song with a moral.

Now the train pulled out of Houston, George got aboard all right. But when he

found the seat that he'd reserved, he suddenly went white.

For there was a great big suitcase. It was battered as could be.

Next to it was a hippie who was humming happily.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look, I'm not unreasonable, intolerant, or hard, but if you don't

move that suitcase, I'm going to fetch the guard.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look here, I reserve that place as windows. It is mine.

If you don't move that suitcase, I'm going to chuck it out on the line.

So George took up the suitcase and he threw it out on the track.

He said, there you long -haired layabout.

What are you going to say to that?

Die, die, die, die, die, die. It's not my bloody case.

Thank you.

Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could imagine the look on George's

face at that point, you would have what is listed in the comedian's handbook as

look number seven. It's a mixture of sadness and surprise.

And here are some classic examples of that look.

George. Yes, dear.

If I die, if I die and you marry again, promise me one thing. What's

that, love?

Promise me you won't let her wear my clothes.

Of course not, darling.

They wouldn't fit Sandra anyway.

Oh, Roger, of course you're the first.

Why do you men always ask the same question?

Oh, yes.

That's much more comfortable.

Oh, dear.

Darling, what... What happened?

Oh, it was so horrible. He just rushed in. He's like a mad thing. I tried to

find him off. I tried, but he was so strong. Darling, darling, darling. Who

it? Who did it? Your agent.

Your agent. My agent?

say anything about that parking crossroads.

Good night, mother of six.

Good night, father of one.

crossing the equator now.

Oh, could I see it?

Certainly.

Here, I'll just hold it up like that.

Thank you.

Oh, I can see it. And look, there's a camel walking across the equator.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome from Spain, Los Zafiros!

¶¶

¶¶

I'll write your name on the sand. And then everything will run.

So that no one will know your name. Maria Isabel.

Take your hat and put it on.

Let's go to the beach where the sun shines. Take your hat and put it on.

Let's go to the beach where the sun shines.

La luna fue caminando

Tenías celos de tus ojos y tu forma de mirar.

Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.

Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.

Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.

Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.

Bom -bom -bom!

You see, if they don't use them against you... Bula, bula.

We will have a clause in the contract that says they mustn't do it.

Bula, bula.

And if they do, Sir Alec Douglas, you know who, will get on them and say,

naughty, naughty, naughty.

Bula, bula, bula, bula.

Yes, yes, yes, I don't know. So let's go and have a look at those cattle of

yours, shall we, in the field over there. Yes, Juana, we go.

But whatever you do, don't tread in bula.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember in the last series, we showed you some

those moments on television when things, you know, go wrong. I would like to add

that this in no way reflects upon the technicians here at Thames Television,

have at all times done their very, very best and shown an efficiency which is

quite remarkable in the field of performance.

Your bishop for how long?

For more years than I care to remember.

But you know, I always remember you used to say to me, never forget, Reverend,

hard cash does not a soft heart make.

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Feltree.

Never found out what the silly old twit meant.

This building, he pinched my bum.

God says I blame him.

As soon as we're off, I should pinch him myself.

Cut the sound!

The sound!

Cut! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What's happening?

I didn't see anything wrong myself with that, Liza.

What's the van load up to?

Have you got any steps?

Could you get the steps, John?

Jimmy Clithero.

I can't get it out. It's so good.

Stop the music.

Oh, I've never had this trouble before on the BBC.

John, I thought you were going to pull it. You didn't.

You didn't pull it.

I say,

why don't we stop in this evening and gorge ourselves on these adorable

matchsticks? Matchsticks.

97 sticks of sheer delight.

As relaxed as the people who eat them.

I can't help it, sir.

But

soft.

My love is here. My goddess there doth sit.

Oh, that sweet face.

Oh, those gentle arms in whose unfolding I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

I've got your bloody lines.

Just like the strain of haunting refrain

Gilded upon a marathon And run around your

brain You can't forget

It's just you.

A pretty girl.

It's like a melody.

When I call you. And I'll tell you.

Just like a melody.

Just like a melody. Just like a melody.

Just like a melody.

This is my picture. I thought you might like to see it. Hold it, George.

What?

Hello, and welcome again to Thames. And now, time for news and views of the

entertainment scene from the man who is becoming known as the Mr. Show Business

himself, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers.

Glad you could make the scene.

Hello, Mr. Skyhawk. Hello.

My goodness me, you certainly are looking smart.

Trendy. And all this pop art.

Pop art where, sir?

All this, yes.

In keeping with Thames Television's new image.

Our motto, sir, go gay with Thames.

We're all going gay, are we?

I think some of us have started already.

You see, sir, we are going to cater to the young now, sir. We're becoming youth

-oriented, sir.

Does that mean we're going to have lots of pop shows?

Festivals, sir. Festivals.

You've heard of Woodstock? Yes.

Newport Jazz Festival?

Yes. Monterey Pop?

Yes. Chipping Sodbury.

Chipping Sodbury?

Viewers will see for the first time a three -day rock and roll, underground

jazz, psychedelic freakout.

From the Derby and Joan Club. And now, Mr.

Scott, who is on the bill? Who isn't on the bill, sir?

None other than the return of Henry All and his over -sex debt,

followed by Britain's greatest underground group, W

.C. Handy and the Chain Gang,

Who's that?

I forget.

And to round off the entertainment, sir, Victor Sylvester and the comb -dancing,

Topless Go -Go -Girl.

Topless, eh?

Well, let's hope there isn't a nip in the air.

There will probably be several, sir.

Well, now, Mr. Scantle, who presents some stages this extravaganza? None

than... Rather than Madame Emily Fudge, sir. She is a maid from there. Oh,

really? Mind you, sir, I liaise with her. Do you? Yes, at every opportunity.

She's big.

Well, tell me, how often does she hold them for you?

Matron. I was asking about Matron. Yes, sir. How often does she hold it?

It's funny you should ask that, sir.

Because the concert is held biannually. Oh.

Once a week.

And I suppose we can expect the customary scenes, then, of nude bathing.

I sincerely hope not, sir. No, no, sir, no. I mean, you know, a lot of men

running around stark as it's... Indecent.

I'm tidy, I would have said.

The thing is, it's not in keeping with the Thames images. I see. I can

understand that. Well, may I put it another way?

As far as I'm concerned, you can.

It's up to you, isn't it? I mean, I mean, I mean to say, what do you have to

say? Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?

Not as often as they'd like to be.

But my guess is, no, it wouldn't do, would it? I mean, it would never be

I mean... If you had nudity on television once, sir, the floodgates

open, sir. They'd all be up, sir. I mean, you'd have nudes at ten.

You would.

Opportunity knockers.

Oh, Coronation Street.

That's a thought, isn't it?

And so think of those poor make -up girls, sir. What about them? Well, on

like the Black and White Minstrels show.

Black and white... Black and white Mitchell's shoulder.

Well, they'd have their handful, wouldn't they?

All that lot, huh? Yes. No, I can't see it, frankly, Miss Delphine.

No, no, I can understand that. Well, now, I can see how you're catering for

young, but what have you in store for, well, for instance, people in my age

group? Oh, we cater to the elderly as well, sir.

We're going to give them a bit of uplift.

Oh, culture.

As well, yes.

They're going to want the lots. They're having Jean -Paul satire.

Yes. The famous existing sensualist.

The opera, Madame Buttonfly.

Sir,

they're going to have a repeat of Waiting for Doggo by Albert Brecht.

Oh, yes. Yes, the theatre of the absurd.

Yes, yes.

Tell me, why was it categorised that way?

I'm often wondering.

Can I put that one another way? What do you mean? Well, I mean, why do they call

it absurd?

Well, sir, our budget was 15 ,000 quid, sir, and eight people watched it.

You can tell me anything more absurd than that. I'd like to hear it, sir.

Well, I think that's almost uninteresting. Thank you, sir. We do our

Have you any documentaries for us, or travel logs? Yeah, we have the best,

The Underwater World... Sorry, the Underworld Water... I'll get it right if

kills me.

On Jack Custard, sir. I don't think I've seen that one. Then you're in luck,

sir. Why? Is it as bad as all that? No, no, we're just starting. We've got it

all there. I say, Brian, could you get Philip to lace it up?

Not your corset, no.

The outcomes of the

cobalt sea, because so many interesting specimens of marine life exist here,

like the carbel fish.

Unlike other fish, the carbel fish only has one mating season per year.

This lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there is no female of the species.

The carbel is a very unhappy fish.

And the little viping, the smallest fish known to man, yet every year it lays a

batch of eggs weighing four times its own weight.

The viping is also a very unhappy fish.

But we had come here to find the forward -walking crab.

As you doubtless know, unless you are a great stupid idiot, crabs always walk

sideways. But a native girl assured us she had seen a forward -walking crab.

a nervous little creature, and wore a knife strapped to her thigh to protect

from the crew.

Totally unnecessary, of course.

They were more interested in the ocean, and they couldn't wait to get to the

bottom.

We had already collected many interesting specimens. We had a catfish,

called Kitty, a seahorse, which we called Dobbin, and a little water otter.

which we called a kettle.

And if the girl was very impressed with Han's collection of shellfish, here she

is admiring his muscles and his cockles.

He had collected them himself and was justly proud of his great feet.

He was also responsible for catching our dogfish and

our conger eel.

got along splendidly together.

Nothing ever

distracted them from their work.

in the Cobalt Sea are in danger of becoming extinct.

We had hoped that these electric eels wouldn't mate.

Unfortunately, he was AC and she was DC.

This female soul had spent five years in the Cobalt Sea and never had contact

with a male soul.

Poor old soul.

We had hoped to do some breathing.

But alas, it was not to be.

Jean -Paul was anxious to get on with the sale. He'd heard that cobalt sharks

were in the area, but we all knew that sharks never attack human beings.

Unfortunately, the sharks didn't.

On our very last day, our luck was in.

Our native girl had found what we had been looking for, the forward walking

crab.

After a considerable investigation, we found out the reason for the phenomenon

of the forward walking crab.

There had recently been dumped in these waters a quantity of contraband rum, and

the forward -walking crab was walking forward instead of sideways because he

blind -stinking drunk.

The next item is in black and white.

Good evening.

Now, now, now, we here in this country do have a color immigration problem.

I'm going to be frank about this, because I believe in calling a spade a

Because,

you see, I mean, I quite like you blacky cappies. I mean, you coon feathers.

I do, I do, I like you, I do. Oh, thank you, dear boss.

But, you know, I think you're a real nice fellow.

That's how it is. But, you know, I have a gardener, and he's a blackie just like

you, you know, from Nigeria.

Trinidad, eh, boss?

I is from Trinidad. Yeah, well, out there, you know. But I treat him just

an ordinary human being, you see, because I believe that no matter what

man is, makes no difference to his personality.

Because, you see, only the soul...

You know,

personally, I have nothing against you chaps, but I wouldn't want my daughter

marry one of you chaps.

Well, your daughter couldn't stand the pace on account of the reputation we got

for sexual perility.

Why, only the thing that we can do, I think, quite honestly, is to show each

other a little tolerance, a little understanding. and I say you'll all come

right in the end.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

Come on up.

That's quite nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am

delighted to be able to welcome to the show Two's Company.

Try to remember the kind of September when life

was slow and old so mellow.

Try to remember the kind of

September when grass was green and the grain

was yellow.

Try to remember the kind of September

when he was a tender and

callous fellow.

Try to remember, and if you

remember, then follow.

Try to remember when life

was so tender.

And if you remember, then

follow. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow.

Date in December.

It's my stream.

The snow will follow.

Deep in December, it's nice to

remember. Without the head,

the heart is hollow.

Deep in December, it's nice to

remember.

The fire of September that made us

mellow. Deep in December our

hearts will remember and follow.

How you do? How you do?

Welcome to you, Mr. Charmin. Mr.

Charmin, why did you first come to London?

To pray.

For guidance.

For wisdom.

No fruit.

You came to London to pray for fruit.

No pray for fruit. To pray fruit.

To pray fruit in a orchestra.

Oh,

I see, yes. Now, your wife, she is English.

Is she also in show business?

Yeah, she is probably, not necessarily, but probably

a most robbery girl in hawkshow business.

She's a contortionist. No, she's a singer.

She's got a robbery voice, though.

She sings a robbery song.

She a rubbery lady.

A lovely lady.

Yes.

Right stupid idiot we got.

Now, Mr.

Charmin, how did you first come to meet your wife?

Well, we both are very fond of Heath.

Edward. Hampstead.

One Sunday night I was on Hampstead Heath. I was not lurking. You were not

lurking on the Heath.

No, I was not lurking at a paradeo.

You see, all the week I look at a peridium, but Sunday night I no look.

Not work.

Yes.

He took a road at Codsworth.

Well, I noticed that she is having trouble stealing.

Stealing. No, no stealing. No, stealing.

Stealing. You talk funny.

Stealing with a stealer.

It was a dirty one. Oh, the bus wasn't clean.

No, it was a clean bus, but it was a number dirty one.

On the bus, she tell me she want to get into these pencil mines.

Your trousers.

What are trousers?

What are you talking about? It's a done up, isn't it?

It's not right. I see on your show here, you have a vicar with a friar.

and I like the writer.

No, no, no. You, you, you misunderstood me. What? You were saying, Mr. Charmin,

that your wife wanted to get into your trousers.

No, stupid idiot.

Look, she want to get into a pants of mine. Pants of mine? At a random

Look, they got to call us.

They're going to call you. No call you. Call us.

Look, why you talk? Why you no written?

Look, she in a call us in a pants of mine. I had to run a parade of them. I

an orchestra played through.

You got it, cookie boy?

I do find it a little difficult. I mean, you're Confucius.

I'm not Confucius. No, no, you're not Confucius. You're Confucius. You are

the confusing me.

I'm not confusing you.

You're confusing you.

Stupid idiot.

Oh, you took a road of coppers.

Look, anyway, I cannot be wrong with her. I have to go see a dentist.

A dentist.

Tooth hurting.

Nasty.

What's nasty?

Well, nasty when tooth hurting.

No tooth hurting.

Appointment for tooth hurting.

Mr. Chapman, but everything you say sounds like L.

You're not that personal with me, cookie boy. You got smack in the mouth.

Do please let us know where we are. Probably the trouble is, it is the way

you roll your ass.

Sit here first when you come on. You know she may walk in. How do you know?

you stupid idiot. I not want to talk with you. Listen, I was asked to come

I was asked to come here by Avon Television. Uh, Thames. What? This is

Television. So you make me a riot.

Just because I got a long liver.

It's not my fault. I don't have to look for you. I can go and look with Saru and

Resmi Glade.

We can do an interview with Lobin Day.

Will Davy Hammertall.

Joan Bratewell on a rape night rhino.

Aaron Licker on a lick -a -lockabout.

Crepe -a -mit -a -mo.

Not to mention Davy Frost.

David Frost.

I said not to mention him!

Mr.

Charmin, when you could give us the denouement.

What?

The denouement, you know, it's French.

Why you talk French?

You no can speak English.

If you could now tell us, why did you eventually get married? Well, we have a

little argument before the wedding. She want a right lady. Yes. And she want a

blasphemy and a flowers and an organ praying.

And you? I want to cut a whole damn thing off.

Then why did you get married?

Because of her blubbers. She's got blubbers so big and so strong. One is an

owing lessler.

One is a crook. One is a clacksook with a lifeboat.

One is a late rifter. A what? A late rifter.

Rifting up the lates. Oh, yes.

Get a lockjaw.

But it would have all too big and strong.

Mr. Chairman, are you telling me then that you got married because you were

afraid?

Yeah, I forgot to tell you. My full name is Chicken Chow Min.

What are you clapping?

Everybody's clapping.

I love you. I used

to

envy Ted.

Not just the things he said, but his attitude and his crabby little way.

I mean, you might not think it, but I'm quite naive.

But Teddy's, well, he's suave and he's cool and Sophie's thicketed and blazed.

I mean, you take the other day when he took that Betsy May up that pasture land

just past the gravel pit.

He kicked a sleeping cow.

Made it get up and walk away so that she'd have somewhere warm and droid to

And he's alone there in that field, and she's just about to yield, and her dad

turns up and starts to raise his voice.

He says, is your intentions honourable or dishonourable, my man? And Ted says,

what, you mean I gets a choice?

A similar thing happens to me a week last Saturday. I end up with a swollen,

bleeding lip.

I was with her big brother Ray. He says, do you know my sister May?

Like a tool for all, I says, no, but thank you for the tips.

the old tool and in this field there's this cow and this bull and they was well

you can see they was friendly anyhow it turns to her I says hey Pat I wouldn't

have liked to do that she says well why not ask she looks a friendly cow

whole

tent in these here digs and the landlady treats them like pigs well you can't

blame her because they ain't exactly elite

One day she goes round the bend. She says, all right, pack your things.

the end. Clear out. You ain't even having a bite to eat.

Well, the others all goes, wait.

But Teddy says, all right.

I know there's plenty of land ladies could use some extra loving.

I'll not be homeless long because I'm virile and I'm strong.

She says, I'm not talking to you. Your dinner's in the oven.

I had to go to loo.

The train left from platform two. I guess the hotel tired, so I undressed.

In walks the chambermaid real slow, with a dress that's cut so low, if I'd have

stood on tippy -toe, I could have seen her a bit.

She says, I've just come to say goodnight, and to see that you're all

that bed, all warm and comfortable and white.

Is there room for another in there? I looked up. I said, oh, yeah. She said,

well, shut up. There's a commercial traveler outside.

Oh, Ted meets this fancy piece in town.

And Ted don't hang around. He's back inside her flat quick as a wink.

She starts to pour him a gin. And then she says, now, you will tell me when. He

says, right after I finish that little drink.

He looks up. He says, all right. Well, he stays there.

the night when he leaves, he says, I should be toddling off now, Sadie.

She says, just a minute, honey, don't forget the money. He says, cool, I

couldn't take money from a lady.

I was telling him about Sally and that afternoon near Shelley.

I tell you, that day I very nearly lost my heart.

I says, I hope you like beer, I've got a courting.

And I don't know much about courting, but come here and I'll feel your

for a start.

And she puts some sun oil in me hand, and she says, wouldn't it be grand if

rubbed that on me to protect me from the sun?

Teg says, well, was she all white and milky, and was her skin all smooth and

silky? I says, I don't know, I had my mittens off.

Oh, Teg gets back the other day. Six weeks he'd been away, staying with some

woman up the West End.

And a letter arrives from me implying explicitly a connection between me and

newfound friend.

I says, now, Ted, I want the truth.

He says, well, she was a bit old in the tooth.

And I suppose I should be ashamed of what I did.

But I give her your name instead of mine.

Is that all right? I says, fine. She just died and left me half a million

So everybody wants a nice bag.

For a little boy with a few croppers.

I met

you

at Hothate Cantina. Oh, you look so lonesome and sad.

So I said with a wink, let me buy you a drink. And then maybe things won't seem

so bad.

You ordered.

A large champagne cocktail, then vodka, then wine from the room.

And as I bought it, I suddenly thought, it's no wonder that you're on your own.

But by then, I had fallen in love, but you laughed at the way that I felt.

With your black cowboy boots and your cowgirl -type suit and your harmful long

-chested tea belt.

And I went with you.

Across town to your place, my eagerness I could not hide.

As you walked across the floor and you locked the front door, why did you leave

me outside?

I went through my uncle Hernando, saying my heart is filled with desire.

But the lady says no, and all the waters will flow, till the mountains can put

out the fire.

He said, when a lady says no, she sometimes thinks, yes, you young

I said, that may be so, but she didn't say no. She simply said, go and get

knotted. So I came here, and I sang beneath your window from midnight till

half past three.

Oh, tell me, sweet lady, sweet lady, pray tell me, what was it you emptied on

me? I came here, to old Barcelona, to think the sweet heart of my life.

And I gave you my heart, but we drifted apart, so I'm going back to the white

ole.

Thank you for watching, gentlemen, and because there's always time for, but

we'll see you again very, very soon. Till then, bye -bye.

No, no, enough, enough, enough!

Enough!

Enough!

Oh,

my God.