Original subtitles

This was my wife, tired, listless, just a part -time wife.

Then a friend suggested Benovite. In next to no time, she was a new woman,

lively, vivacious, full of energy, full of fun and joie de vivre.

And it's all thanks to Benovite.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show. And here is Benny Hill.

Now there's a rose for the way my spirit rose when we met.

Forget me not to remind me to remember not to forget.

A pine tree for the way I pined over you

and an ash for the day I asked you to be true.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above

and landed on the earth below in my garden of

love.

Now there's a beetroot for the day you said that you'd beetroot to me.

A sweet pea for the sweet way you always used to smile

at me.

But you had friends who needed you. There was Ferdy, there was Liza.

So just for them, I put down a load of Ferdy Liza.

And the sun and the rain fell from up above

and landed on the earth below our garden of

love.

Oh, Gus, the gardener's left now, and you went with him too.

The fungus here reminds me of the fungus it's having with you.

The rockery's a mockery with weeds it's overgrown.

The fuchsia's gone. I couldn't face the fuchsia all alone.

And my tears fell like raindrops from the sky above.

And poisoned all the flowers In my garden

of love

Thank

you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

It's jolly nice.

Jolly nice to be with you all again, and it's very nice indeed to be able to

welcome back to the show my old friend Patricia Hayes. Here she is looking

younger and lovelier than ever in The Hitchhiker.

Everybody's looking at me.

But I hope to be eventually.

How old are you?

That's my business.

And how long have you been in business?

Well, I'm old enough to go with girls, if that's what you mean.

You go all the way?

I beg your pardon?

Do you go all the way to St. Albans?

Yes, I suppose so.

You're not... You're not upset by anything, are you? You're not running

from someone.

Barbara had no right carrying on like that. Coming round to my house at three

'clock in the morning, upsetting my mother, bringing the police round. And

come round and I don't know what happened to me. I just went berserk and

one on me, laid her on the floor and I ran and I ran and I ran and I hadn't

stopped running until you picked me up. No, it was horrible. I tell you, it was

horrible.

You want to tell me about it?

I just told you about it.

There you go.

I mean, I thought she was 17.

I mean, she looked 17. She told me she was 17.

And how old was she?

Thirty -eight.

Soon he could reach a promise.

Thirty -eight? Well, I quite like older women.

You have an Oedipus complex.

No, I like cats.

Tell me, how long is it since you last ate?

I've been eating all the time. I just raid the farms round here and eat

and carrots and all that.

Don't you sometimes feel like a rabbit?

Not very often, no.

Look.

Why don't you come back to my place for the night? I'm sure I could find you

somewhere to sleep.

Are you sure I wouldn't put you out?

I don't think so.

It's a very large bed.

You put my knee in gear twice.

Let me help you off with your coat. Careful, careful.

You'll have my shirt off in a minute.

Nicely constructed.

Yes, so are you.

Shut up.

Look, this doesn't just have to be for tonight, you know. This could be for

always. Well, I'd have to do things for you. I mean, I'd have to do some work

for you. I mean, I don't want anything for nothing.

I mean, I'm not afraid of hard work. But are you fit for work?

Of course I'm fit.

Nothing wrong with my body.

Well, I happen to be a trained nurse, and you don't look all that fit to me.

fit, eh? Not fit. I'll show you whether I'm fit or not.

I'll show you whether I'm fit or not.

There.

If I wasn't fit, could I do all that ironing?

Come and sit down beside me. Let's play a game, shall we? Let's play a word

game. I like word games. They're nice.

Let's play the word game first.

He's dollop a word.

Hardly. Oh, then I can't go.

You better go first.

All right, then.

Adorable.

Naturally.

Desire.

control.

after lunch.

Listen, pack it all up, because I might as well tell you here and now I don't

believe in... I know what you're on. I don't believe in that sort of thing.

Well, not before marriage anyway.

And I'm none too sure about afterwards.

You might as well pack it up now.

Oh, my God, you're attractive when you're angry. I know.

Oh, this is my husband, George. This is Cyril. Cyril, this is George.

Hitchhiker? Yes.

Like cake.

No, just the edge. Just that little tiny bit.

Here.

He's had all the cake.

Yes, but he's a growing boy.

Growing boy?

You go out, pick up this uncouth youth. I mean, just look at him. I didn't come

here to be insulted.

Where do you usually go?

How many sugars?

Twelve.

to have that tonight with Randall and Hopkirk diseased.

Honestly, how could you treat me like this? I love you. Love me?

You don't know the meaning of the word. You never come near me.

If I were to have an accident, you wouldn't be able to identify the body.

Open your windows. We're going to have a row.

Honestly, you want her, mate. You want her. You can have her. I tell you, mate,

she's potty, she is. She never made that. That's an individual fruit pie,

is. She makes rhubarb tart, she does. Four feet long and two inches wide.

Went to kiss her this morning. She shot out of me arms like a rocket she did.

Honestly, we don't pay any income tax. She hasn't paid any income tax for six

years. She won't send any money to the inland revenue because we live on the

coast. She's potty, I tell you.

Listen, you wouldn't get that every day. That's just a trap. That's a trap.

That's a trap.

Well, why don't you shut yours?

Oh, dear.

I've never been so insulted in my whole life.

Well, it's your fault, isn't it? You should get around more.

Here at Thames Television, the man responsible for the entire output of

plays, documentaries and features is someone who is, of course, well known in

the corridors of power. And his name is Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Mr. Scuttle.

Was we on, sir? I had no idea.

Good evening, viewers.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle, and welcome.

Now, Mr. Scuttle, tell me, how do you manage to affect this vast and unseen

audience? Well, as you say, sir, watching us at the moment, there is a

obscene audience, sir.

But you must remember that most of our viewers are broken down by age and sex.

beg your pardon?

Into categories, you think, sir? Oh, I see, yes.

And also into the number of hours they watch, you know, sir. Oh, really?

Oh, someone watch everything that's on, sir. You're joking.

They're having their breakfast. Yes, yes. They're watching the test card

they're eating.

Addicts. Oh, kippers.

They're watching for you, see. They're dedicated, you see. Yes, I see.

Now, tell me, how would you assess in numbers the viewing population? Well, we

here at Thames assess that we have 96 million viewers, sir. But, Mr. Scuttle,

the entire population of the country is only 56 million.

Some watch more than others.

But, of course, you only investigate a very small proportion.

Even so, sir, we get a very high degree of authenticity, sir.

Do you?

Yes, because our interviewer, you see, sir, he will go into one of their homes.

At random?

Anywhere, sir.

He will go in there and, you see, he will talk to them in their own language.

You mean he will interview them in the vernacular?

If that's where they are, sir, that's where he interviews.

He might have to shout a bit, you know.

Can you hear me in there? No, I can hear you out here.

I've been working with Mike and Bernie Winters, you can tell.

I see, yes.

Now, tell me, Mr Scott, let's say a housewife is busy, you know, with the

washing up, and she doesn't want to be bothered. Would your man try and coerce

her?

Well, not while she was washing up, he wouldn't.

He might even help her with the washing up so she could finish it earlier so he

could coerce her a bit earlier.

We don't actually encourage it among our interviewers. No, we don't.

Now, of course, a lot of people do say that we don't see enough new talent on

television. All I can say to that, sir, is balderdash, sir.

Opportunity knocked last week. Cozy fanny totty.

What a lovely voice she had, sir.

Didn't you hear? They call me Lulu from La Boheme.

It's a marvel, sir. Mr.

Scantle, they call me Mimi.

A big pardon, sir?

I said they call me Mimi.

Have you tried taking longer strides?

Just make a difference, sir.

There's a cheeky lot round here, sir. Now,

can you tell us what Thames has in store for us in the future? What haven't we

got? The Losers! The Losers?

Thames' answer to the survivors.

Really? Oh, it's dramatic, sir. It's got the whole world of living and

everything in there.

It's about... Yes, I was going to ask you what it was about.

I was watching.

It's about, sir, a striptease dancer...

From Accrington.

Accrington. Only she isn't doing very well. Why is that? She's 87.

Now then, sir, unbeknownst to her husband... Yes. She invests their entire

savings in a pig farm.

Now, that's not doing very well either, sir. Why is that? It's in Tel Aviv. Oh.

Now then, sir.

He has just...

Been sent to prison and is doing 12 years for absconding... Yes. ...with 200

barrels of liquid manure from his place of work.

Oh, he's in the fertilizer business.

Yes.

What do we hear here?

They told us. Mind you, sir, she's glad to see the back of him, sir. Oh, you

mean they don't get on very well?

No, they've... He has only spoken to her... Six times since they have been

married, sir. Really? Six times. That's very little, isn't it? No good at all,

sir. Anyway, sir, leaving the six children behind in Accrington, she

journeys south to Teddington.

Teddington, yes.

The holy city.

Near the Thames.

That's the one. That is, sir, where she meets up with a man who works for Huey

Green. Oh, yes. Called Nathan Wide Search.

You see?

Well, that is when it gets exciting, sir, and the fun all starts then, sir.

Scuttle, I really must say, I think the whole thing sounds rather passe, even

mediocre. That's very kind of you, sir. We do our best here at Thames. We're

always pleased to get compliments.

Well, I suppose we'll be getting some of the old films as well. And some of the

new ones, sir. Some of the new ones? We've got... They're a bit racy, you

We've got to be careful when you put them on.

Women in love? Have you seen Women in Love? Yes, sir. Yes, I saw it. I thought

you couldn't miss it, could you?

I don't.

Well, sir, you see, we've got some racy. We've got one laced up and ready to go,

sir, but we don't know. It hasn't passed the census yet. Well, I mean, would

this be a moment to have a little sneak preview of it? Well, they have been

warned, haven't they? Well, I suppose if you warn the viewers in advance, it's

all right. All right. Brian and Philip, let it go.

Wind it up. Put it on.

Take a chance, sir. Take a chance. You have to take a chance.

Heaven knows what Mervyn would say if he really knew where I went every Friday.

But how could I tell him that the girl he knew as a shy young lady from the

typing pool was really a practicing nudist?

23.

You

can't

come in. You can't come in. You can't come in. Oh, feed.

Why, Mervyn, what's the matter with you? I've never seen you like this before.

I've never seen you like that before.

And it's not.

Now, look here. Just because I'm a nudist, I'm not a crank, you know.

I'm just the same as anyone else.

Oh, I see.

Why don't you come out and join us? Let the fresh air get to your body. Get

those stuffy old clothes off. Me go out there naked and with nothing on?

Oh, I couldn't. Of course you could.

Now, come on, give it a try.

All right, then. I will.

Don't, fellow.

There you are. It isn't too bad now, is it? No, it's quite... What's that?

Hey, look.

Hi, gang.

Hi. Can we come and join you?

Come and join us.

I didn't expect to see you here. I didn't expect to see you here, but now

here, I'm quite enjoying myself.

That'll never do. We'll have to put him to work, won't we?

Be a puppet, Mervyn, and bring me my bag.

Yes, righty -ho.

Mervyn, dear.

The blue one. The blue one, righty -ho. Be careful of the towel on it. Don't

drop it, will you? No, no, righto.

Did you say something?

I thought you did.

Oh, a big one.

Oh, a big apartment.

This is the one, is it?

There we are.

You dropped my shoes.

Oh, believe me.

Did you say something?

You did.

Here we are. Are these the ones you want?

Sure. Nothing else?

Rossio. There we are.

It was nothing to get excited about, was it? No, it was quite... Oh,

no,

ladies and gentlemen. For some more of those dreadful moments of television

things don't go quite the plan we had in way. The way we had in plan. The way

that we planned.

The way that we planned.

Love thee well, and so, Cathy, prepare to die.

Out, woman!

Oh,

do you get indigestion?

Sometimes. Do they help?

Help! Stop it!

No, no, dear, no.

It's not help, stop it.

It's help, stop it.

No, the music was fine, kid.

No, no, it's not the melody.

Could you take it a bit slow? Other than that, it was perfect.

Can we go again, John?

No, it was fine. It was just the... You know, you were getting it a bit...

Britain's first lady of fashion, Marie Quinn.

Hello.

Well, I'm not going to keep you waiting any longer. You go in, then. This news

has not only shaken Europe, it has rocked the whole Western world. I did

you in 1962 that it was going to happen, and now it has.

Yes, stripes are...

going to be gayer than ever. You're not kidding, are you?

And men, your wives are going to be more feminine than ever.

Wouldn't you... Wouldn't you men like to see your wives in something long and

flowing? Yes, a river.

As I said before, there will be changes made.

Matches of, for example, Poncho's Inn.

Lucky Poncho.

You're going to be showing your knickers again, aren't you? Oh, yes. And see

-through blouses are back.

I'll look into that.

I shall be putting mine on at the first opportunity.

You'll be showing your tallies again, won't you? Oh, Pat.

Pat, get him out of here.

Oh. Can I go wee now?

Yes, you can go wee now.

Wee! Bonsoir. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, Toto, say good evening to the ladies and the gentlemen.

Good evening.

ladies and gentlemen.

Ah!

She's very pretty.

She's very beautiful.

If I told her she has a beautiful figure, do you think she would hold it

me? You're very naughty. Ah! Cognac!

Cognac! Cognac!

You're not going to have a cognac. You are going to drink the milk.

Ah, I don't like milk. It's terrible.

It is not terrible.

It's very nice. You don't like the milk? Then I'll... will drink the milk. And I

will drink the cognac. No. While I am drinking the milk, you will recite the

alphabet.

Like the alphabet, you...

And now, ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny Hill Show, the lovely Lady Bird.

Oh, Larry, she do preach that right neighborly of you.

Oh, my, you pretty little thing, ain't she pretty little thing, ain't she?

You pretty little thing, haven't you? See, you're pretty as a pimple on a

of pickled pork, you know what I mean?

Oh, you a fine -looking woman.

You don't mean that. I know that.

But you was happy there for a minute, weren't you?

The old little old bees light up.

The right ones did.

because I like to come out there with all they little dicky dido's all the

Like, I like to pepper my performance with a little bit of humor, you know.

Like, sometimes I say, do you all know how to make a peach cardio?

You give her a double gin and wait ten minutes.

Ooh, yeah, little dicky dido.

You sure we're open, ma 'am?

I know you folks go to sleep out there because I come out all the time with

little dicky dido.

Well, ma 'am, I reckon I inherited this great gift I have for singing in a hog

calling.

There's only like me and Tiny Tim got it, you know.

I reckon I inherited it from my old granddaddy, old grandpappy Blooper.

Fine old man. You know, he made this yard guitar made out of his own head.

He got enough wood left to make it.

He died, you know. And he knew the end was near.

And he called me over to his bedside and he picked up this yard guitar and sold

it to me.

For $30.

Well, you can't take it with you.

He said he can't take it with me and go go.

He got Asbestos money belt.

You ain't listening. Let him take it.

healthy place, you know. We had to shoot a man to start a cemetery, you know

that?

You're improving.

I only ever once see the hearse in that town and there was coming down the road

and there was a driver turning around saying, lay down, boy.

Lay down, will you?

You pretty as a crocus on a compost heap, you know.

You pretty little thing.

But do you provide your own accompaniment?

No, ma 'am.

I've got three of the finest musicians ever drew breath.

Martin, Barton, and Fargo.

Oh, they's lovely boys, ma 'am.

I'll never forget the first time I seen them. I come over to Browder Hill, and

there they was, standing outside the smokehouse.

And they was a -singing they horse -dell. Dressed as cowboys. No, they was

wearing a long combinations, ma 'am. Oh, and what were they singing? Blowing in

the wind.

Mighty pretty, mighty pretty. Yes. Well, now, what is... you going to sing for

us? Well, I'm going to sing one of my little songs I've written myself, and

going to be accompanied by Miss Pearl.

Oh, yes, Miss Pearl. Now, isn't she your kiff and kin?

Well, I says to her, can I kiff you? She says, yes, you kin.

So, you're my dear.

Lily, you bad -looking woman, you are.

Well, now to sing for us, accompanied by Miss Pearl, Dickie Dido.

each other in the street today the memories came back like first time that

came to lunch yet my poor old mammy said she said now tell me can

you guess what's for lunch today my son well I knew it was roly -poly pudding

cause she only had one stocking on

I pretended not to hear.

I said, if you don't go, I'll stay in the water till it gets dark.

I said, don't worry about me, ma 'am. I just came to be the shark.

But there's days and days that we'll be there in the long gone by.

Nevermore will they return no matter how we try.

But it was just this morning.

that I again saw you.

But I was with my husband and several children too.

As I passed you in the street, oh, I smiled for I could see what

a big, fat, ugly crow you turned out to be.

reached the age of 14 and i hadn't started courting and my mum was getting

worried about me she says dad it's time you told him all about the birds and

bees he says the birds and bees and he sat me on his knee he says now remember

uncle joe at that picnic a while ago where we went off into the woods with

auntie pat and now i chased old riley's daughter and what happened when i caught

her i said yeah he said well birds and bees does that

Dad works very hard indeed.

Well, he got ten kids to feed. Well, ten and seven nights, to be precise.

And we all wear hand -me -downs. And as I am the youngest and the others are all

girls, it ain't very nice.

Dad says, it's time that you got wet. I says, I'd rather drop down dead. He

says, now, how about old Maud from Oakley Down?

I says, Maud? Not bloody likely.

She's been had by all the chaps in Oakley. He says, well, Oakley's really

a little town.

He says, you've got to get a wife. You can't go on enjoying life or folks will

think you're strange and start to frown. I said to him, now look, why should I

buy a book when there's a thriving lending library in the town?

One day I found a friend who was up by Badger's End.

A little pigeon fell down at my feet. Its feathers was flecked with red and at

first I thought he's dead and then I knelt and I felt his little heart still

beat.

I cupped him in my hands and I ran home to my mam and she said, son, I'm as

proud of you as I can be. You're thoughtful and you're kind and you've

gentle mind and that'll do a treat for your old father's teeth.

I says you shall not touch my bird.

And with another word, I took him in my room and I shut the door and then I

bathed him.

I warmed him and I nursed him back to health because, you see, I'd never

had a friend before.

I taught him little tricks like playing dead and picking up sticks and the

village girls, they brought bird seed every day.

or my birdie will fly out. But of course, I let the village girls all

Well, there was Mabel from the stable and Mary from the dairy. We had a visit

from our beauty queen.

And that great big Betty Mavery.

And she got her own Avery.

She got the biggest pair of keats I've ever seen.

Dad says you ought to let him go.

The mum, she says, oh, no, you just want to get some shooting practice in. But

the vicar says, my son, it really isn't done, and to lock up a wild thing, well,

that's a thing.

One morning, when it was all still, I took him up to Badger's Hill.

I lost the only little friend I had that day. Not a word I said, I just kissed

his little head, and I opened my hand, and I watched him fly away.

He circled up and round, and then he settled on the ground, and off he went

straight up to the sky.

And then I looked and I could see he was flying back to me. And then he swooped.

And then he pooped right in my eye.

I thought, that's bloody rude.

And core, there's gratitude.

I hope they never cross a pigeon with a cow.

Dad says, here, there's a caper. I'll go get a bit of paper. I says, don't be

dark. He's my other way, boy. Dad

says,

I know you lost a friend, but it's really not the end.

You'll be married and have your family of your own quite soon.

Well, I never said a word.

But you see, that little bird...

I'd lured 18 little ravers up to my room.

So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo or an old crow they don't want, I'd be very

much obliged.

The

storm

brewing again, not the sort of night one wants to be alone.

a lonely sort of man, almost friendless.

At least, that is how it was in the past.

My search for a companion was endless.

But that's all over now, for at last, I've made a friend.

I've made a friend.

I followed in the very latest trend.

Took a book down from the shelf, the one entitled Do It Yourself, and went

ahead, and made myself a friend.

I hope my friend will not offend.

His manners I can safely recommend.

Though he looks a bit ferocious, he's not really so

atrocious.

And I'm sure that one could love him in the end, my friend.

You burst into my laboratory. What do you want?

What do you want? Wait, wait, wait. What exactly do you do up here? What do I

do? Well, I'm just experimenting.

What with?

Well, if you must know, I've made a man.

Made a man?

Oh, you're just kidding.

Where is he? Yeah, where is he? Where is he? All right, all right. Very well,

then. Very well, then.

Rather badly.

And bits of me ain't in their proper place.

With bolts sticking out of me neck, I ain't no Gregory Peck. I'm more like a

thing what's come from Arthur's Bay.

Oh, I have been put together rather strangely, which puts me in a rather

spot.

I've got me teeth and hair, and I know me feet are there.

I only hope there's nothing he's forgot.

I have been put together rather loosely.

And most of me is covered in dirt and dust.

If ever I have kids, they'll all be redheads.

Cause me vital parts are showing signs of rust.

I have been put together rather badly.

I'm just a little worried about meself.

Cause every time I cough, another bit drops off.

I can't help feeling I'm not in the best of health.

Oh, we can't help feeling he's not in the best of health.

Oh, poor thing.

You know, I think he's rather sweet.

You do?

drink to that.

A cave for two.

Near a swamp where we can run. No.

Day through.

Day through.

We'll have rat and vampire back.

And all good monsters. Good.

Women wonder and delight in me.