Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Benny Hill Show!

Thank you for that. Good evening.

Well, I must say, it's very, very nice to be back with you once again. Since I

was last with you, I had a short holiday on the continent, and I was surprised

over there to find out how many people speak English.

And this, I think, is because they, on the continent, show their television

language programmes at peak hours.

And as a matter of fact, there's one just going on now, and we are linked up.

with Eurovision, with the Eurovision link. And I think, yes, they are ready.

We're going over now for the English language lesson coming from the Ulster

University in Hamburg.

Meine Damen und Herren.

Good body every evening.

And a special welcome to all the British gentlemen and ladies men who are

watching this television show in the privy of their own home.

Tonight, my assistant, Pauline Crump, and myself

shall be speaking in usual everyday.

Colloquial, colloquial, colloquial, colloquial, colloquial, vernacular,

vernacular.

Usual everyday English phrases.

And the pupils here in the glass shall write in the book as they are equivalent

in German.

And pupils, I want to write and write and write, I don't want to write and

write.

Oh, um, bitteschön, kommen Sie hier.

Nicht unter einer Nelle.

Nicht unter einer Nelle?

Was ist das? Das ist nicht Deutsch.

Here we are with the useful everyday phrases.

I am a German girl.

I am 19 years of age.

I am a German boy.

I am 20 years of age.

You are joking.

I am joking.

Altona. I am very pretty.

She lives in Altona. She is very pretty.

I live in Harburg. I am very handsome.

He lives in Harburg.

Did you get home all right last night?

Yes, I got her.

last night.

I am glad.

It was no thanks to you.

Last night I was a little squiffy.

Last night you were blind, stinking drunk.

I shall come to your house this evening.

My mother will be in the house this evening. Your mother is an old

picking up the vase.

What shall you do with the vase?

I shall break the vase over your head.

I am rapidly leaving the room.

She has hit me around the...

I shall say good night to all our brilliant viewers. Good night.

Thank

you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, at the recent television festival at Montreux, the

commercial break entry was won by Germany with these three rather familiar

-looking commercials.

In Bad Munchen, the different housewives share a piece of pastry.

I have here Frau Klinker.

Frau Klinker, do you think you can tell a piece of butter?

Yes, absolutely.

And do you accept the five -mark challenge?

Yes, I accept it.

Okay, let's go.

I have food!

I have food!

Yes, it is correct.

Aber vier aus auf fünf people can nicht tell the difference.

Greta. Otto, this man have given me fünf Mark. Fünf Mark? Und wer ist das?

Vergangen in the camera. Wir sind vor zwei Minuten.

Is it Calvin?

Ja, this is my husband.

Seine Frau can tell the difference.

So, if you can tell Stuck von Buddha, that is five mark for you.

Das ist Stuck.

Ja, ich habe rasieren mit der oder shave blades, aber wenn ich rasieren mit der

oder einer, oder du magst, ich habe always der fünf o 'clock shadow.

My girlfriend always has the stubble problem.

Consequently, I don't have a girlfriend.

But today, I'm utilizing the Prosit Shave Blade.

And I have a girlfriend. This girlfriend is so beautiful. With the little curls

and the big curls.

It's all thanks to Prosit Shave Blade.

The shave blade with three holes in the middle.

Hi there.

I'm in the house of Frau Dunkel and his wife, Frau Dunkel.

He has been testing the new washing powder, Oshmo.

How is that, Frau Dunkel?

Yes, because I have three weeks of washing with Oshmo. And I have the first

in which my washing is more white and brighter.

And the next week it is more brighter.

It is whiter than white.

Thank you.

Don't forget, for whiteness with preciousness, get an Oshmo.

Even white nylon.

Hello, viewers.

I'm speaking to you this evening from the BBC Research Department.

And with me now is the chief researcher, Mr. Frederick Scuttle.

Good evening, sir.

Hello, Mr. Scuttle. Good evening, viewers.

Now, Mr. Scuttle, we've heard a great deal about audience measurement. Would

like to estimate exactly how many people you think are watching this show now?

We estimate, sir, 59 million, sir.

But the entire population's only 50 million.

Some watch more than others.

But, of course, you only investigate a small percentage of these, don't you?

Yes, but even so, sir, we have a very high degree of authenticity, sir. I see.

Well, of course, you must use highly skilled investigators for the job. Oh,

indeed, yes. They have to go out to meet people. You know, they have to be able

to talk to people man to man in their own language, you understand, sir. I

They're expected to interview them in the vernacular.

If that is where they are...

That is where they will interview them.

They may have to shout, but they'll get through.

Mr. Scuttle, I notice behind us this very impressive -looking graph.

What exactly does it show?

I will demonstrate, sir. Hang on, sir.

You see, this, sir, demonstrates, you see, the number of shows the BBC put out

last year, sir.

I see. What accounts for this very steep rise in June, Mr. Scuttle?

Ah, yes.

Well, that is my secretary, sir, you see. Miss Goose, then. Oh.

You see, she was making up the graph, you see, along here, you see.

Well, leaning forward, I'm walking slowly backwards, you see.

When I happen to be stood about... About there, sir, you see.

And I accidentally...

and inadvertently bumped into her, sir, causing the shark right in the room.

Well,

now, Mr. Scuttle, you're responsible for the entire BBC television output,

aren't you? Not just light entertainment. The whole lot, sir. You

sir? Pop of the tops, you see? I advise on that side by people like Julie Rogers

and Roy Orbison.

Keane Pitney? Her as well, sir.

I know them all. On the play, sir, only last week I was passing Studio 3, sir,

there's a girl coming through the French windows in the studio there, sir. She

had the jodhpurs on, sir, the riding hat and the riding crop, splattered with

mud. She says, Mummy, Daddy, I have come from the meat.

I had to tell her, sir, I have come for the meat.

Fresh out of radar, sir. She didn't know. Then another fella comes on, sir.

says, I'm the borough surveyor. I'm going to set my theodolite.

I had to stop him, sir. No naked flames are allowed in the studio, you see.

You have to tell them, you know.

Mrs. Carroll, who's responsible for putting the show out?

Hugh and I.

That's a good name for a show, that, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I must remember that. No, sir. Sir Hugh, Carlton, Green and I. Sir, we'd

like to do the one show, you see.

If we think it's a good 'un and we run it into a series, you see. And if you

don't think it's good?

Oh, well, then, sir, we don't show it, you see. Oh, I see you scrap it. No, we

don't scrap it, sir. We save it to show would -be producers, you see.

I'll not to put a show together, you see.

I must say, I'd rather enjoy seeing some of those shows that never made it.

Would you, sir? I'll get young Tom Sloan to show one or two for you. Come and

sit down there, sir. Yes, won't be a second. I'll get into a story on the

I'll just switch on. I'll get it done. Thank you, Mr. Scuttle. I expect your

fascinated desire.

I'm sure you're as interested as I am to see some of these shows that never

actually reached your screens.

Yes, I think they're ready now, so let's just sit back and enjoy them, shall we?

We're starting our series tonight with songs from around the world, with the

international globe -trotting folk singer, with the true ethnic sound, Ivor

Burles.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I could start off this evening with a very

wonderful African song.

You probably know it as Marion McKeever's famous click song.

And a lot of the African people say that a non -African cannot sing Marion

McKeever's click song.

As it is terribly difficult to pronounce, but after years of study,

to acquire the manner in which it is done. Here it is then, Marion McKeever's

famous click -stop.

studios in Heidelberg is Baron von Seidel, member of one of the oldest

aristocratic families in Europe.

Now, as his command of English is somewhat limited, or so he tells us, the

has asked that the questions be numbered, and he has his answers

believe, and also numbered.

Yes, so I think now that we could fire away with the first question.

Hello, Baron. How are you?

How are you, Baron?

There seems to be something a little bit wrong. I think we'll just carry on with

question number two. Is it true that you're coming to England soon?

I am very well, thank you.

Is it true that this time you will be marrying... your fiancée, Lady Thelma.

Yes, and I hope to see much more this time than I was able to see at my last

visit.

There are several interesting and out -of -the -way places I would like to

visit.

I would have visited them on my last trip, but I was not given the

Baron, where are you going to spend your honeymoon?

Yes, I hope so.

Now, Baron, changing the subject, I believe that you have the only herd of

Macedonian camels in captivity.

Tell me, where do you keep them?

In a small hotel in Eastbourne.

The ozone there is beautiful. You know, you get the smell of the sea and all

sorts of nice smells there.

Well, is there anything that you would like to find in England that you didn't

find the last time you were here?

140 ,000 square miles of desert, you see.

That is where my camels are home freely, you see.

Is there anyone that you would like to talk to on your next trip?

Yes, Albert Hall.

children? Yes, they are Sir Alec Douglas Hume and Mr. Harold Wilton.

Will you be bringing them with you? Unfortunately, the eldest one has got

whooping cough, and the little fat round one has got the nappy rash.

I won't be bringing them with me. I don't know what he's talking about.

you.

Round

Britain

Poetry tonight comes from Dalton Abbott and introduces for the first time on

television one of the West Country's most prolific poets, Ted Tinker.

Tonight he brings a poem with a story.

The story of an old man who finds it's never too late for a dream to become

reality. Here then with the old fiddler is Ted Tingle.

To his market day in the village and the crowd around the stalls was quite

dense. But what caught my eye was a stall -poiled eye with a musical

And up the stall came a little old man. His clothes was all tattered and thin.

But his face came alight.

as his eyeballs caught sight of a beautiful old violin.

He yelled it up to the dealer, saying, how much is this one then?

He replied, it's a stradivarius, my man.

That'll cost you four pound ten.

I can't afford that, said the little old man, and a lump came into my throat.

I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I stuffed in his hand a ten shilling note.

A crowd had gathered behind us, so I quickly went round with his hat.

When we'd finished, I'd found I collected five pounds, so I took my ten

back.

Well, we gave the dealer the money, and the old man, so shabbily dressed, picked

up the violin, stuck it under his chin, and he played like a man possessed.

He played fugues and cantatas, and orator -orator -toritos too.

By composers like Johann Sebastian Bach, to mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and D. Floyd and Morse, and Tales from the

Woods. Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto.

But he didn't play that quite so good.

Well done, cried the crowd when he finished, and they gently patted his

But the excitement was too much for the little old man, who unfortunately

dropped down dead.

Well, we give the dealer the fiddle.

and took back our four pound ten, then we picked up the old man, and we laid

to rest in his cemetery down by the glen. But sometimes at night, when the

do shine bright, if I should wander that way up over the hill, it seems that

still I can hear the old man play.

Yes. The words of that popular song ring true.

For though the old man is gone, yes, though the song has ended, the melody

lingers on.

Good evening.

Tonight we present for the first time on BBC TV, Continental Cabaret.

We hope during the series to bring you some of the finest performance from the

European cabaret scene.

Our first guests in this program offer you a Tyrolean kippish dance.

So here now, complete with lederhosen, are that popular Austrian couple Fritz

and Chip.

It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. And I think this is

particularly true of show business.

And to show you what we mean, what we're going to do tonight, we're going to

take an old nursery rhyme, Little Bo Peep, and show you how it might be

by different programs.

But here, first of all, is Little Bo Peep in its original form.

Little Bo Peep has lonely feet and doesn't know where to find them.

Leave them alone.

Oh, Fancy, he's been looking for you. Who else?

Inspector Barlow. Who else?

Oh, Rick. What does he want from now?

All right, well, I'll see. I'll see. Yeah.

Come in.

Yeah.

Uh -huh. Is it really?

Yeah.

Whatever.

Fancy. Yes, sir?

Look, when I say Fancy... I didn't mean fancy.

I meant... fancy.

All right, Mr. Peep.

I'll send one of my men over.

I'd better get over to old man Peep's sheep farm.

His entire flock's gone.

Have you heard anything else of him, sir?

No, his daughter.

We'll have a chat with her. What's her name, sir?

Bo. Bo?

How do you spell it?

Bee.

He doesn't love me.

Off you go, lad.

Oh, and fancy.

Don't start a blacklist on that fellow, you know.

Come in, lad.

We're out late tonight, aren't we, lad, eh?

Come on, lad.

What are we doing walking across the moors at half past eleven at night, eh?

I've been to a dance.

Put it in white hair, then.

Oh, I was dancing with a blonde -haired lady.

She molting or something?

No, she was tearing her hair out over me.

And why did you come on by yourself then? I don't like bald -headed women.

Leave it to me, lad.

I'll have you enshrined before your feet touch the ground.

Watch it, copper. You lay a finger on me and you'll be back pounding a beat.

Now, hello.

You're a friend, though.

I may have to help you. No.

It's like a bear with a sore head tonight.

Hi, dear.

Right, sir.

He wants you back in.

What the heck now?

No need to go now, Patsy.

We've got our lad right here.

He's been stealing sheep for months and hiding them in his house, he has.

He's our lad, all right.

What did you tell, sir?

The minute he told me his name.

Come on, lads, let's have it again.

What's your name?

Basil Marsh, thanks for the follow.

I'll see.

Missy, 6 ,000 sheep, 24 ,000 legs of lamb, and heaven knows how many lamb

chops won't reach the Sunday lunch table this coming Sunday.

Ickley Moor. Yesterday, the home of some 6 ,000 sheep. Today, an empty

wasteland. The owner of the sheep, Lord Peat's daughter, Donna.

Senator Samuel Pepys, and today mystified at the disappearance of so

spring lands.

The work of criminals, the police are baffled. But in this vast, treacherous

moorland of bonds, this march is anything can happen.

What in yonder window breaks?

What light the darkness splinters?

Ah, tis a maid, a maid of some seventeen summers.

Aye, and forty -seven winters.

Gads, tis the maid Bo Peep, a pacing of the floor concerneth for her sheep,

those sheep who would one day be transformed into mutton to appease the

of some fat -bellied nut.

Picture, if you will, the sheep.

One of them, a black sheep, who did leave the moor as sly as any elf. And

sheep who were as black as any moor himself.

A ram.

A horned ram who did leave the moor as sly as any elf.

And wandered off and lost himself for trying to make a U -turn.

A gentle sheep.

whose wool is spun into a yarn so thin, yet not as thin as this yarn which I do

now spin.

All this did happen while the maid Bo Peep did sit upon the ground accounting

her sheep, and by the counting of them did fall asleep.

Her father counselled her, bear them no mind, they will return a bringing of

their tails behind. But as the smallest of these lambs who sat upon the icy

ground did cry in voice so bold, so do I say to you, my tale is told.

You in there, Ben Cartwright?

Yeah, who is it? It's me, Bo Peep. I'm off the floor.

What did you take it off for?

I lost my sheep. I lost them.

It's them boys of yours, Gulliver.

Now, you're going to let me in, aren't you?

Now, see here, Mrs. Speed, those boys of mine wouldn't do a thing like that.

That's the job of town, but alas, the other two boys will make you feel

After nothing, you confront them openly.

You tell them you know they took them. I want to see their faces.

Okay, if you say so. Hey, little Joe!

Yeah, Paul?

Little Joe, I know everything.

Everything, Paul?

Yeah, little Joe, everything.

I was going to put the money back.

I mean, you shouldn't have left the cash box lying around.

In any case, Paul, it was for a good cause.

It was?

Yeah, yeah, I used the money to bail out Adam.

You see, Paul, last Saturday night, he got into a fight and he beat someone up.

Who'd he beat up?

You know Big Sam, the blacksmith?

Big Sam used to be a prize fighter.

Well, he's grandmother.

But he didn't do no sheep stealing.

Oh, gee, no, Pa.

We're cartwrights.

He couldn't do anything bad like that.

Off you go, little Joe.

Send in the house, will you? Sure will, Pa.

Yeah, Mrs. Peep, I told you.

I know everything.

Everything? Yes, everything.

Well, how did you find out?

Mrs. Peep here just told me.

Gee, boy, I was only 16 at the time.

And you had to go and snitch on me.

You said that night in the woodshed was going to be our secret.

Let's go hide and seek, she said. And if you find me, you're going to kiss me.

And if you can't find me, I'll be in the old barn.

I'm going about your work now.

I told you no one around here touched your sheep.

How about that old Indian fellow? He's always hanging around here.

But old White Owl, why, he couldn't even catch a cold. Never in a while around,

never heard a sheep.

Well, you get him in here.

Oh, okay.

White Owl!

White Owl, I know everything.

Everything?

Yeah, everything.

My son!

You know, the commercial that really intrigues me is the one with the girl

taking the bath.

And I don't know, I mean, when you see that one, do you ever sort of wonder how

it was made?

I mean, what happened before she got into the bath?

And what happened when she got out of the bath?

And who was there?

Well, I was making a commercial the other day and they were doing one of

bath adverts in the next studio.

So when I'd finished what I was doing, I casually strolled over there at about

60 miles an hour.

There was a beautiful bath set and there was this very nervous director sitting

there. And all of a sudden, through the studio door came this beautifully

dressed blonde girl.

And he went over to her and he said, Miss Hargreaves?

Ready when you are.

We can't start till you're in the new... till you take off your... till you're

in the bath, can we?

It's for the commercial, dear, yes. Soap.

The agency told you soup.

Well, I do assure you, dear, it is soap.

Bath soap.

People don't take a bath with their clothes on, do they?

Yes, dear, I realise it's extra money for taking your clothes off, but I'm

the agency would be happy to pay the extra.

And if they wouldn't, I would.

Have a whip round amongst the fellows here.

Yes, only the essential technicians will be here, my dear. Only the essential

ones, like the lighting man and the camera man and the car park attendant.

Well, he's very interested in photography, you see.

Since this morning, yes.

But you need have no fear because you'll be under the water most of the time,

you see.

Yes, there'll be bags of lava.

Yes, because you see, Harry, the property man, he'll sort of froth up the

you see.

Before you get in, yes.

Well, of course, if it goes flat while you're in it, we'll have to rely upon

Harry's good breeding, won't we?

Yes. Oh, you do sit up at one point, dear, but the camera is on your back

you see.

And Harry will sort of bring the camera around, and when you pick up the soap,

he will hold the camera at the front, but on your face, dear.

Yes, I promise, it will be on your face.

It may be shaking a little, but it will be on your face. You will? Right, you

are, then.

Dressing gown, you'll find behind the screen there. Thank you, lovely.

Right -o, Harry, froth up the water, then. Harry, do it now. We're not doing

continental version.

Lovely. Oh, by the way, Miss Hargraves, should there be any shots taken, you

know, which are beyond the bounds of respectability, have no fear, because we

will cut them out and throw them away.

Yes. Right you are. Ready.

Righty -ho, then. Now, in you go in the bath.

Just one thing, Miss Hargraves.

You're supposed to take your dressing gown off.

Thank you. We'll flop it over the side then, right. Harry, the water does not

need frothing up, Harry, please.

Harry...

Oh, you dropped your pen in the bath.

Well, you'll just have to get it later, that's all.

Righty -ho. Here we go. Stand by. Now, take one.

Action. On her back. Round you go. Lovely, lovely.

Righty -ho. Up to her face. Lean forward, dear. Pick up the soap. Cut.

Look, dear. Lean forward.

There's no need to stand up.

Well, why did you stand up?

Oh, you found Harry's pen.

Drop it over the side right now take two action here We go around with the

camera lovely hold this up up to your face dear smile cut lovely print it. Oh,

that's fine Right oh miss Hargraves behind the screen dressing gown. Thank

Oh, excuse me miss Hargraves. Hello.

Yes speaking It was soup Not soap I

see thank you

Miss Hargrave, you'll never believe this, but you were...

Oh,

mother!

Interjection?

Then take a couple of pennies. Acid is the cause of most upset stomachs, and

this facility could be measured.

Penny's will soon put you right.

I feel better.

I feel fine now.

Take a couple of pennies.

Aye, hand over the gravy.

Aye, hand over the gravy.

Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr.

Mr.

Mr. Mr.

Mr. Mr.

Mr.

Mr.

But Billy Cotton is a heavy job, and it requires a heavy job cleaner.

Here, where the surface is shiny, just as easy to shift.

But this floor really needs a cleaner that cleans everything.

Slash, with new DDT, really gets down even to ground -in dirt.

Yes, Slash.

really cleans everything.

Slash with DDP gets everything really clean.

Slash!

Every week, young men from the provinces come to London in search of glamour and

bright light.

Some return home bitter and disillusioned. Others fall into the

women who prey on these innocent young men.

This is the story of one such young man.

telling us your name, please?

I should rather remain monotonous.

I see.

Well, will you tell us your profession?

Would you mind speaking up, please?

I'm a male model.

I see.

And this trouble that you got into started, I believe, at Dimpton -on -Sea?

That is quite right.

You see, unbeknownst to me, my fiancé took a snapshot of me while I was on the

beach, paddling.

She sent me up to the carnival committee and I was invited along to the carnival

dance. It wasn't until I arrived there where I realised what was expected of

Yes, I had been entered for the knobbly knees contest.

Well, naturally, I didn't want to let my fiancé down, so I went through with it.

But I can't tell you how I felt, stood there in front of all those ogling

with my knees completely naked.

Yes, I can imagine.

And then what happened?

Well, after the competition, which incidentally I won...

there was a party.

And that was my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the Dolce Vita, the sweet life of dimpton on tea.

I met the local mayor.

I drank South African sherry.

I was interviewed by the local press and I met a girl who did voices over for

deodorant commercials.

Yes, my cup was filled to overflowing.

After that, of course, it was competitions everywhere.

One week Bournemouth, next week Whitby.

Yes, I was living life with a capital L.

Tell me frankly, though, is there any truth in the rumour that there is a

certain amount of cheating in these nobly -kneed contexts?

That's quite right.

It's awfully upsetting for me to tell you this, but some of the men wear

falsies.

Flesh -collared plastic kneecaps.

It makes me ashamed of my own sex.

It's not the stage now where before major competitions a male nurse goes

tapping us on the kneecap with a little hammer.

I can't tell you how humiliating it is when one drops off.

But your big chance came earlier this year, didn't it? That is quite right.

I was entered for the Knees of the World competition.

That meant coming to London and that was my downfall, my undoing. Why was that?

Well, I'll tell you why.

One evening...

Me and my friend Malcolm, the shy and sensitive used car salesman,

we went for a walk up the West End.

All we wanted was a little innocent pleasure.

What time was this?

Three o 'clock in the morning.

Going up a narrow street, we passed the doorway, and in this doorway there was a

girl dressed up sort of like a military hussy.

Come inside, she said. The place is full of fun -loving girls.

Thinking to have perhaps only a game of tiddlywinks, we entered.

As I passed the sort of like commissionaires in the sort of like

gave me a funny look.

Some of the girls are naughty girls, she said.

Oh, I thought perhaps they tiddle when they should be winked.

But oh no, the degradation I found when I got in there.

It was terrible. It was like that film about Gomorrah.

It was full of beatniks with unkept hair and long sideboards full of drinks.

And the conversation was disgusting. There was nothing but suggestive remarks

all the time.

It was like the Eamon Andrews show.

It was there that I met this titled and influential lady and we became very

close friends.

Yes, she took me to the south of France for six months. She bought me a yacht

and a lovely sports car and a wardrobe full of very smart clothes.

Then one evening I realised it was not just my friendship she was after.

Yes, I knew that sooner or later I would have to pay the price.

One evening... She invited me into her luxury penthouse in Goldhawk Road.

After several glasses of ruby wine, she started lowering the lights.

At first, I thought she wanted to make the darkroom test, but seeing no

chocolate in it, I realised how wrong I was. It was then she made this nasty

suggestion. What was it?

She suggested that I give her a private showing of my kneecaps.

Fleeing in horror and recoiling at this suggestion, I went out of her apartment

and vowed to get out of the rat race for good.

After all, I was still only 33.

I had my whole life before.

So underneath all the glamour and the tinsel, there's heartbreak.

That's quite right. And I'd just like to say in conclusion, and to end up with,

to all young men with knife -knobbly knees, do not flaunt them for all the

to see.

But, Thaden, for the girl you marry, thank you. Good night. Good night.

As you know, the BBC is always on the lookout for new

vocal groups, and tonight they've come up with a group which they think is the

answer to the French Swingle Singers.

It is the Market Gardeners Association Choir, Western Division.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen... They know what they are.

We have, we have, we have. We have a treat in store for you. And indeed.

And indeed for all of us up here.

As well. Two.

Here to give us a soulful ballad. Here to give us a bowl full of salad.

Soulful ballad. Soulful ballad.

Is our leader, Ted Tingle.

Well, that's a surprising message.

I should give him my best, like I always do.

Hi there, hot pickers.

It's Alan Farman here with your pick of the crops.

On to unit two, all pea time.

I'll give you now a lovely song dedicated to our brothers in the egg

board. We give you now a company...

It's the Egg Marketing Board Tango.

It's the Egg Marketing Board Tango.

You go down to the ballet. You're eager for a dance.

You see a lovely stranger and your eyes meet quite by chance.

She's warm and she's desirable with lips meant to be kissed.

So you stand eight feet apart and do the twist.

And Tango, you get the chance to walk her out so near. And you gaze into her

lovely eyes of blue.

And while you're dancing, you whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

She says, wait, nothing doing back to you.

You give her ear a nibble. You give her cheek a peck. You got her in a grip of

steel. You're breathing down her neck. And then she says those magic words that

throw you through and through.

You've been eating pickled onions, haven't you?

Once I met a girl called Kitty who was pretty as could be. She lived up in the

city and she asked me round to tea.

But pretty witty Kitty, she tried to pull my leg. So I hit her, what a pity,

with a soft -boiled egg. So I just played a tango and I held her in my arms

we swayed and we glided round the room.

And when her dad come in, we carried on. Alas, I didn't know he was deaf and he

couldn't hear the tune.

He grabbed me by the collar. He hit me with a vase.

He chased me down the garden and he kicked me in the grass.

Now I swear I'm finished, as true as stars above, with the tango, the dance

love.

I'm very proud of the fact that we have, in this country, the fastest film

director in the world. None other than Mr. J. Arthur Klinker.

And the film you are about to see, he wrote it in the morning, rehearsed it at

lunchtime, and shot it in the afternoon, and put it together coming home on the

train in the evening.

It's me, Rudy.

Rudy. Come in, Rudy.

Why, well, it's good to see you again after all these years.

Oh, Missy, I've missed you so.

Do you like my little room?

Yes, John.

There's a lovely view from this window.

as lovely as you are. You mustn't say things like that, Rudy.

Can I get you a drink?

Watch her straight, if I remember rightly.

Do sit down.

Yes, what is it?

I'm leaving Europe for good.

Leaving Europe? But where will you go?

Australia.

Australia? Australia's no place for a girl like you.

Nonsense. I think I shall put him there.

I shall be one of the new Australians.

I shall miss you, Rudy.

I'll never forget you.

How you stood on my shoulders for hours, filing through the prison bars.

No, I'll never forget your great feet.

Rudy, just to remind you of those days, I've ordered your favourite meal, sam

blot. Darling.

You know, that's a wonderful meal you've cooked, Missy.

Just like old times.

Just like old times.

You know, it was awfully sweet of you, Missy, to remember that I liked you so

much. And that's so like you.

You're a very sweet person. You said that very nicely, Rudy. I'm glad. Back

Harburg, was I the only man you ever loved? You want the truth?

Of course. No, Rudy, you were not.

You see, Captain Stonely and I... You... You mean Dick?

My superior officer?

Yes. Then that explains it. All those visits of his.

All the time I thought he was coming for his rations, he was... Rudy,

what's come over you?

I've never seen you like this before.

I'm sorry.

Don't go, Rudy. It's raining outside.

Is it?

It's not, you know. Just look out there.

No, Rudy, don't go.

Stay just a little longer.

If you go, I shall be all by myself.

I shall have no one to turn to for consolation.

Look at me. Can't you see I'm a woman?

Yes, I can see that.

Very well.

Kiss me.

Well, take one.

Night, I've been holding you like this alone.

Just you and I. Never forgive myself.

I'd better go.

But why, Rudy?

I haven't changed.

Haven't you?

No.

You're the strongest one who knows I ever was.

Look at me, Mitzi.

There's something I feel you should know.

Yes, Rudy?

What is it?

Well, Mitzi, for me to explain this, but...

First met you, Your Grace, but since then, a little older and a little wiser.

And to England, I... I didn't mean to. It was only my sham. I... I shouldn't

spoil it now.

Rooney, are you trying to tell me something?

Yes. I think I know what it is.

You're married, aren't you? I'm afraid so.

In the days of, let's pretend, many years ago, in a castle lived a king with

mother he loved so.

Oh, mother darling, mother angel, mother my love, I shall pop the

old crow with you.

What is it you want? Well, have you sent out the invitations to my wedding on

Friday? Yes, I have. And why wasn't the Duchess of Langley on the list?

Well, she hasn't been invited. That's because why not? But why not?

Well, Mother, look what happened at my birthday party. She sat right next to me

right through dinner.

She kept making strange noises.

She couldn't help it. I know, but Mother, but she kept looking at me as if

done it.

She pretended it was my chair scraping on the floor.

Oh, well.

to your wedding have all been delivered. Though why you should want to marry a

foreign princess, a girl you haven't even seen, I simply cannot understand.

But, Mother, she couldn't be any worse than some of them old boiling pieces

you've been trying to palm me off with.

I mean, look at the Lady Gertrude, I mean, I ask you. Ah, but a lot of men

widows. Well, so do I, Mother, but not when they've got sons older than what I

am. I mean, how could I go up to a 40 -year -old baron and say his daddy good

name?

I'd be like an idiot.

So quiet.

French girl?

Well, Mother, she's been highly recommended. I hear she's a morceau de

droit. And what is this?

It's my French phrasebook. I'm learning to parlez français, Mother.

But what are they for?

Post -Sacred Blue, Mother.

I'm marrying her on Friday.

I mean, Friday night we'll be having our cocoa together.

able to tell her it's too hot or not sweet enough if I don't speak to linger.

Look, I tell you what you do, little mother.

Nip right on off out of it and see the chef and tell him to prepare a sumptuous

repaste for the wedding feast. That's very well. Here, mother, just a minute.

Tell him I don't want no more than suet dumplings like we had on my birthday.

Like cannonballs they were.

Oh, they dig in me jip.

Mother, don't forget I'm marrying a French lady. They used to good...

cooking, what they call horticulture.

La plume de ma tante est dans le jardin.

That'll get her going for a start, eh?

Oh, most gracious majesty. Oh, most noble king. Oh, what do you want?

All the wedding clothes for the royal couple, my liege. For the ceremony, this

for the bride and this for the groom. Yes, well, how about after?

Yes, my liege, after.

After the seminary, you know. Oh, when we retired to the royal booty war.

For the royal boudoir, my liege, we thought something like this.

Note how daring it's cut, my liege. How it hugs every subtle curl.

How the deep V -neckline is teasingly embroidered with the most delicate white

lace. Well, I must say you've done a grand job on that.

What's she going to wear?

Oh, yes, that'll do fine.

Now, look, I'm going to my study now, and I'm going to study, see? So I don't

want no interruptions.

And what means that, my liege?

It has been a hard day's night.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Terrible news, my lords. Dreadful news.

Well, out with it, man. What is it? A plot, my lords. A plot to kill the king.

A plot to kill the king? But who would dare do a thing like that? His Majesty's

cousin Catherine, Duchess of Whitworth. She has this day sent him an invitation

to take wine with her tomorrow.

And there within the castle walls, the assassination is to take place.

You've done well to warn us. Away with you now.

And with the king out of the way and yet unmarried, Catherine would be next in

line for the throne.

We must stop the invitations reaching the king.

But she'll kill him anyway, even if he goes to her or not. She still has five

days in which to dispose of him before the wedding.

How long since the king and Catherine last met?

About ten years. Why?

Ten years, I wonder.

Supposing we send someone who looked like the king, dressed like the king and

talked like the king.

But you think we could find such a man?

It's our duty to try.

So off went the conspirators and scarred the countryside.

They searched the villages and towns, the hamlets far and wide, until one day

they found a peasant fishing on the beach.

The very double of the king in everything but speech.

Oh, no, brown cow.

Oh, no, no, you concentrate not.

How now, brown cow.

Oh, no, brown cow.

It's better, it's better. If you practice, you'll be able soon to say

How now, brown cow.

I'm going to make up a job getting that thing on a conversation, though, innit?

Let us try once more.

That's a nice, light pike handle.

That's a nice, light pike handle.

Listen, boy, listen. That.

That. Look, look. That.

That. That. That.

A nice. A nice.

Light. Light. Pike. Pike.

Handle. Handle. That's a nice, light pike handle.

That's a nice, light pike handle.

The king doesn't talk like that anyhow. He talks like this.

That's a nice, light pike handle.

He must be funny, then, if he talks like that.

That's a nice late pay candle.

By George, he's got it. He's really got it. You did it!

His Majesty's pay. Oh, protest.

Not a word, remember.

Oh,

the money is going to be on.

Oh,

noble king, oh, my greatest majesty.

I came post -haste in answer to your majesty's summons.

What does His Majesty require of me?

His Majesty requires a duplicate set of visiting clothes.

Oh, the magenta. Oh, what taste. What impeccable taste His Majesty has.

But could I not just measure His Majesty's other visiting clothes? No, I

you'd better measure him. He appears to have got much fatter. Oh, my Lord

Albert, please.

His Majesty was never fat.

Well built.

Solid. Comfortable, yes.

But never fat.

Well, I say he's fat. Lord Albert, pray have a care.

His Majesty has that healthy athletic build, so admired by the ladies and

by men.

Now, if His Majesty would be so kind as to raise his exquisitely shaped arm,

just a teensy -weensy bit. Oi, put your arm up, fatty.

Please be careful.

Well, we caught him.

This isn't the king.

If this were the king, would I prod him like this? Or would I kick him like

this?

You look so like him. I know. You're a great fat nit.

I'm not a great nit.

May I be my guest?

Oh, you big fat oaf.

Oh, you tight -knit old twit. Who are you going to pay your bill?

Oh, I never did like him anyway. He's fun.

You know, he owes me for 37 suits of duffing and hose to say nothing of other

brits and strippers.

I don't think I like this game.

And if you forget your accent when we go to Whitworth Castle this afternoon,

you'll like it even less.

Here, watch it.

The crow goes to the treetop.

The duck goes to the water.

Lord Albert goes to Whitworth.

And the lamb goes to the slaughter.

His Majesty, King... Henry.

Henry, come kiss your cousin.

Right, oh, Mrs.

Your Grace.

Your Grace, say, Your Grace.

For what I am a beggar, you see.

Remember, remember what I told you.

The king has. Always a merry quip hanging from his lips.

Come, Henry.

Sit down.

You must tell me all your news.

You may leave us now, Lord Albert.

The king and I have much to talk about. Au revoir, Your Grace.

Goodbye, Fred, Your Majesty.

So Catherine schemes her wicked schemes.

Completely unaware that the true king's found his invitation and will soon

himself be there.

Why so distant, Henry?

Oh, come a little closer.

Rightio. You don't mind?

Give me your hand. Let me place it against my cheek.

Don't be so shy.

Have you never caressed a maiden's cheek before?

Not only once.

And was it not soft and smooth?

I don't know. I had my gauntlets on at the time.

Oh, look, Henry, you haven't touched your poise. Your wine, yes?

Well, I tell you what, you see, it's been rather a tiring journey. I should

to go and freshen up, if I may, if you don't mind. Would you be so kind as to

tell me where the bathroom is? Very well.

It's straight along the corridor.

You can't miss it.

I should try not to.

Gracious Majesty, Queen Catherine.

Mmm, I like it.

Oh, Catherine, how lovely to see you again.

You just haven't changed a bit, you know.

Should I have?

Tell me, have I changed much?

Hardly at all.

Nonsense. Since the last time I saw you, I've gone quite grey.

Yes. Well, drink your wine. No, thank you. No, not a drop for me, thanks.

Not just a small goblet. No, not for me. If you'll forgive me, I think I'll go

and see that my horse is all right. I may have to feed him. Excuse me, the

of the gym.

Well, if he won't take poison in his wine, I shall just have to poison the

There.

Enough to kill a regiment.

Oh, that's better.

I said no such thing. I think you're going potty, you are.

I think I'd better nip down the apothecary and get you something for

No, no, it's all right.

King's a fool.

I shall outwit him yet.

I saw him.

He was all right. I put his nose back on.

What? On the apothecary?

No, on the awful celebrity.

Are you all right? You'd better sit down a little bit. Oh, you look quite

flushed.

So late into the evening continues the deceit. A body falls into the moat. The

plan is now complete.

The royal couple marry.

A very grand affair.

It is evening and Lord Tenby now leaves the happy pair.

Well, Your Majesty, married at last.

Yes, my word.

For a little while back at Whitworth Castle, I thought I wasn't going to make

it. Such an exquisite bride. Oh, my word, yes.

But no doubt Your Majesty will want me. Good night, good night, good night.

Darling,

I'm so tired.

Don't you think it's fine we retire?

If you say so.

Don't be long, darling.

I shan't be long, my prophet.

Oh, I'm going to enjoy being married to her. Oh, crow, I got in a farmhouse.

I'll kill you.