Original subtitles

Previously on Bartlett.

I'm leaving.

I can have him packed up and out of here in five minutes. Good luck. We've got

to find you a team and put the meat on the pitch.

This is the last in our so -easy -even -a -chicken -to -use -it concept.

Why swim in a chicken?

A pair of computer pitchers are a shit show.

This is terrible.

We do not work on the same project that is your rule.

I'm changing it. I really need your help. I will be there.

Are you okay, my son?

How long has he been under here? Maybe 15 minutes. Five minutes.

What happened to DJ Sixpack?

G -Pack.

Right, G -Pack.

Was it drugs? It was drugs, right? No, his VR startup got bought by Google,

actually. And all of a sudden, the guy doesn't know us anymore.

But we do have an open seat in the tour van now.

And that seat is for me.

Well, we both love that whole folk, country, electronic, rock thing you do.

Thank you.

But you've got to give it a name.

Yeah.

What about folk hop?

You've got to give that shit a name.

Right. Yeah. Okay, I'll work on that.

Do you just go by Roger?

Yeah. Or I could go by The Roger, you know, like all the The bands. Or Roger

with an accent agrave over the G.

Okay. Are you in?

Am I in? Yes.

I am in.

I'm going to go drop the mic on the agency right now.

Roger, don't make me come under there. You're not helping.

Roger, we're going to need you to say something now.

Give us a sign, my child. Got ten seconds to give us a sign.

That's good. That's good.

Here you go.

He is risen.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't think chickens are funny. It doesn't have to be a chicken.

It could be floss or funny.

Floss or funny.

Silencio.

Thank you for your time, energy.

I think I've seen all I need to see.

Have a very merry Christmas or happy birthday.

Well, no, you know, Jesus' birthday isn't actually on Christmas. That was

rearranged to... Use flip.

Use flip.

I'm very sorry.

I'm under a lot of stress.

I think chickens are hilarious.

Would you like to hear some concept? We're back in the game. Bring it on.

We open on a man wearing a chicken suit.

Oh, wow.

You guys.

You did that all on your own, huh? Just the four of you. I just would like to

say, from the bottom of my heart, I think that my dad could write better

and he still pokes people on Facebook.

I still poke people on Facebook?

You're fired.

Get the fuck out.

What are you pointing at? Is your mom here? Did she bring your diaphy? Hey,

Sanjay. Oh, Maggie.

All right.

We can begin. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, that's okay. I show up

I say I'm going to. Right, and that's why we respect you here at the agency.

That's great. That's great. Guys, you are in luck. I'm not going to fire you.

Probably still going to fire you, but Maggie is here to make sure this fucking

pitch goes right.

Thank you, guys. It's an honor.

That's not really an honor. Oh, but it's a rare privilege.

Are you playing solitaire? What the fuck are you doing? This is not a privilege.

But it's oh so rare.

Okay, guys, why don't we run the presentation by Maggie, and then you, my

can fill in all the cracks.

Right, because this is your crack team.

That's a different kind of crack.

You guys need a new name, am I right? No, we don't need a new name, Maggie.

name's dope. The ladies of Khan and Partners call you the Swinging Dicks.

And I kind of like that. Wow, Maggie. What do you think? Okay.

Now, I can only speak to the one dick that I know, and not the collective

swinginess, but the name evokes a heady mix of playfulness, sexism, and

homoerotic. Come on. Wow. Okay.

You guys stay here and continue to ruin my company. Maggie, can I please speak

to you in my office right now? Please.

talk right here okay yeah

um listen i know you're angry i quit you quit what uh

you're dumping me you the job all of it right now

well i'm not trying to schedule it you know how much is going on i don't really

care okay yeah that's reasonable you're being reasonable I invested a lot in

you, Sanjay.

Patience, honesty, monogamy.

And all I asked for in return was equality.

We split the office 50 -50. That's equal.

Equal would be running the office together.

I think you're scared of me.

I am not scared of you.

Then why is this the first time you invited me into your bullshit war

Are you kidding me? You want to be a swinging dick? You put a strap on and go

there. They're fucking idiots. That's what you want? No.

No, it's not what I want.

I'm ending this calmly and cleanly.

Bye.

You could get a strap on.

Mickey, Mr. Samson wants to pick up his panty remover at 6 o 'clock, right?

His what?

9 -14, man.

That woman's going to drop her panties for a 9 -14?

My grandma wouldn't do that. We get paid $1 ,000 a month to play along. So give

that beast a little job and make it sexy.

Hans!

Hans!

Well, well, well. Look what St. Katzen has dragged in. Hans, I need the

Oh, you have not seen her for the year, and you think you can just vault in

here? I think she can help me smooth over a problem. I'm just... Okay, I'm

sorry. I didn't mean to hurt the blue banshee's feelings.

You should be. You're also six months behind on the storage fee. I had to take

pay cut, and how long has my family been with you? Yeah, yeah. I have a freezer

full of schnitzel socks to you.

Hans, boobie.

No money, no poshie. That is the rule.

Mickey. No Mickey either. Can you talk some sense into Hans? Nein.

The whole family just left.

I sent them packing.

Oh, so Roger was right.

Too much chicken.

Although I wouldn't have run away over it.

Did you move the guitar?

Why are there no chairs in here?

Oh, Maggie hates chairs.

She says they stifle creativity.

Roger hated them when she was here, but after she left, he wouldn't say a word

against them.

He's... He's demented.

You realize that, right? Look, I'm going to go get lunch.

But if you promise to eat something real, I'll bring you another coffee.

A turkey sandwich.

Wicked. Okay, let's start with bread. Just get me a sandwich, okay?

Okay.

Has anyone seen Roger?

Did he go out, do you know?

Maybe he's at lunch.

Have you seen Roger?

Anyone? Seen Roger.

Uh, you looking for Roger?

Ah, there you are.

Yeah, sorry, just stepped out for a quick music meeting. No big deal. Want

walk with me? Uh, sure. Awesome.

Um, Roger?

Yeah, Catherine.

Caitlin. Caitlin. Yeah.

Oh, gosh, I need one of those mnemonic memory palace things.

I promise if we ever work together, you will remember my name.

Something I can help you with?

Yeah, uh, Bob Freeman wanted to talk to you. Oh, perfect. I need to call him.

Um, he's actually in your office.

Bob? Here in my office now?

Uh -huh.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you.

Okay, cool. Caitlin. Yeah?

Bob, Bob, Bob.

Bob, I don't know what you're doing here, but I have some news for you.

I already know.

How could you... I just came from the meeting.

Why'd she do it, Roger?

She who?

Maggie. Did what?

She quit.

Maggie didn't quit. I got a resignation email yesterday.

Flew in last night. Met her this morning. She took an offer from Kahn and

Partners.

Sanjay Kahn is the devil!

There's a lot of devils in this business.

You don't understand.

Understand what?

You can tell me, Roger.

We're family here.

Family, like some kind of inverse different strokes?

Let it go, son.

Maggie, she... In the relationship, she wanted... I just

couldn't deliver.

I fucking knew it.

It's your fault.

No. I quit.

You can't quit. I need you. This agency needs you.

All these people out here need you, Roger. You are this organization's

center. Without you, those deaths may as well be gravestones.

I had a gig.

Promise me.

Promise me.

That looks like a good cup of coffee.

What? Do you know what goes great with coffee?

Chai, actually.

You want a sunflower butter and jelly sandwich?

No, thanks.

Ten bucks.

Five. Nine.

Six. Eight. That's my final offer.

I am not paying eight dollars for that sandwich.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, um, it's all right. I wasn't waiting long.

I'm amazed you could get away.

I convinced Bob he needed to eat something, so... Oh, I'm definitely

could get that man to eat.

Oh, it's easy. He's got to push the right button.

But, um, hey, can I get you something?

I'm not going to work on the pitch.

I'm not going to ask you to work on the pitch.

Well, if this is about Roger, I know you're sleeping together and I'm fine

it.

Sugar.

I'm totally okay with it.

No, um, my mum, she was a bit of a god -brother and she wouldn't let us wear in

the house, so we used to save sugar instead of, you know... But I'm an adult

and I should be able to swear if I want to. Maggie, I need a life belt.

A what?

The ship is not going to right itself with Roger at the helm.

Oh, do you mean a life jacket?

Yeah, I want off.

And you want me to throw you this life jacket?

I'm so sorry for dragging you down here. This is ridiculous.

Stop.

Don't walk away from the pitch.

Okay.

Maggie, I'm a big fan and I want to work for you.

Good.

How does that feel?

Roger fucking Newhouse.

Plank Mike.

You remembered.

I don't believe it. You want to join me? I'm just waiting for a friend eating a

sandwich.

Sure.

PB &J.

Classic.

It's actually sunflower nut butter.

Are you allergic to peanuts?

No. It's all she had.

You want a bite? No.

No, thanks.

I really want to thank you.

Whoa.

Why would you want to thank me?

I fired you.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Look, with the drought, everyone's growing succulent.

I rebranded myself as a succulent expert.

Now, I spend half as much time watering and make twice as much money.

Oh, check it out.

You inspired me.

Everyone remembers the plant guy.

I don't understand.

Dismissing opportunities.

Now it's all about those Benjamin.

Ruled by some dead president.

Follow dollars, don't make no sense.

I'm going to give some water to my dreams up.

Get my soul free.

Yeah.

Okay. Listen.

I've got like 16 floors of desert tropical.

Count on me.

Be right.

Keep on watering.

Surprise?

Not really.

Next time on Bartlett.

It must be Wednesday.

Is the bear down?

Where's Roger?

He'll be back by now.

He's not back here. I will get all of those jobs back when we win pair.

We?

It's just you, Roger.

It's a fresh start.

Hip hip.

Change is coming, Andy.

Fast and deadly. Like a freight train in the night.

Do you promise to honor, respect, and especially obey me?

It's time for the Bob and Caitlin Show.

Hey, baby, won't you water me?

Nourish my body, let my soul, my soul free.

Hey, baby, won't you water me?

Nourish my body and set my soul free.

Hey, baby, won't you water me?

Nourish my body and set my soul free. Two notes solo. Two notes.

Wrong note, though.