Original subtitles

Previously on Bartlett.

Yeah.

A bow tie?

Seriously? Robert, what a surprise.

It shouldn't be.

Why is that?

It's September, Thomas.

This is my month.

You get Lombardi's an alternate month starting in February.

September is mine.

Shit. This is stupid.

Half the restaurants on our list aren't even in business anymore.

Why don't we call it a truce?

You look like a Republican.

And you've put on weight.

Four pounds tops.

I guess it all goes to the face.

Gentlemen, are we being civil?

I know it's been a while.

We'll be fine.

Bob, just so you know, your guests are here.

Look for the one without the jacket.

Fine. A truce. What a delicious couple.

I know.

I introduced them.

Are you playing matchmaker again?

Stick a cannoli in it.

You'll never recreate what we had.

You're right.

I'll create a better team. A fearless team.

Fearless Tomlin.

Maggie. Roger.

Welcome to New York. Bob.

Thank you.

Is the guy in the corner still looking at us?

Uh, I think so. Who's that?

Um, my ex -partner.

Business or biznasty?

Both.

No? What do you mean no?

What do you mean yes? Didn't Caitlin tell you to say no?

No, she gave me the Richard Branson opportunity talk.

Richard Branson.

He's actually very inspirational.

To Roger.

He's no most deaf, but he started Virgin Records. We need a do -over, and this

time you say yes.

No.

You liked the pitch. You said it was clever.

There are bigger issues.

Is the issue the size and shape of Roger? I'm the one who said yes.

Oh, okay.

Let's forget about being a team.

I'm leaving.

I can have him packed up and out of here in five minutes. Good luck with the

pitch. Where are you going? I'll be back in one sec.

Captain, my captain.

Stop.

I know you want this.

Oh, don't say it like that.

Like what? Like you care.

What you're actually saying is you want this.

No, no, our needs are intertwined.

Okay, that didn't work.

Of course it didn't. She hates you.

You having a stroke?

No. You do look a little peaky. Did they feed you on the plane?

A fruit plate.

That's what $5 ,000 buys you these days. Extra leg room and a bowl of melon

chocs. The cafe downstairs has some granola. There's yoga sunrise.

Peaceful temple. Infinite beginning.

That's a good one. I need coffee.

Okay, what would you like?

Uh, coffee.

Come on, Bob.

Espresso, pour over, French press. I don't care.

Do you care about terroir? There's a delightful little Indonesian downstairs.

How about milk?

Yeah, almond, soy. As long as they get my heart rate up. I don't care if it was

grown in the mountains of Shangri -La by three -eyed monks who grinded between

their ass cheeks, okay? Yeah.

I'm going to go with you. Sit down.

I'm going to sit down.

I'll be going then.

So, we've got to find you a team and put some meat on this pitch.

In eight hours?

You'd have to be cray.

Then let's be cray -cray.

Quiet today?

Hmm?

Oh, there's a lot going on.

The way you tell it, there's always a lot going on.

Yeah, but now the ship is sinking and I'm tied to the mast.

Like you live here.

Yeah.

But, you know, without the twig thing.

You know you can always walk away.

I'm going to continue that metaphor. You know, you say you can always swim away

or lifeboat away.

You cut the strings when you left Mother England.

Right? Yeah.

So do it again.

Have a merry secular Christmas.

Thank you.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

She just comes in and pours her heart out.

I love her accent.

It's the only reason I let her keep talking.

Hey, Erin.

Hi, Maggie.

Ooh, what happened to that bear?

Where's Sanjay?

Ugh, it's the Council of War in the womb.

The bear computer pitch is a shit show.

This is what you, this is terrible.

Tell me about that bear.

Um, wrong place at the wrong time. Do we have a sewing kit?

Ew, no.

Okay, I'm going to be in my office.

You guys get glowing recommendations.

Can I be honest? When Caitlin said the Holy Family was coming in, I just

she was using a British euphemism. Like, bollocks. Well, we hope we are the

answer to your prayers.

We're going to the McKenzie -Stoller holiday party after this. Yeah, it's a

bonus drink ticket if you come in costumes.

I always think of a thorn thing as more of an Easter Jesus.

Baby Jesus is really hard to do. Yeah, without the thorns, I'm just a Puerto

Rican dude in a tunic. But I do have this.

Baby Jesus.

Well, sort of all Jesuses.

Yeah, I can see that.

Are they painful? No, they're super comfy. You want to try them?

Sure.

Thought it'd be heavier.

Yeah. You look like a martyr. Yeah.

Really?

Badass martyr.

You're crushing his luck. Renaissance.

Ray's light coming out.

You know what, you guys, the job is yours if you want it.

Thank you. We're so excited.

Honestly, we only have a couple hours, so beggars can't be choosers.

Well, it is the beggars that shall first enter the kingdom of heaven.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm putting your head back on.

Oh, that's my head?

It's you.

Cool. Minus the ego and sweaty armpits. Oh, wow. So this is what I get for

missing our appointment, huh?

Listen, Chad called right after you left, freaking out about the pear pitch.

And you could have called me.

I'm sure I could have. That's a great point, but I didn't. So I'm sorry. Oh,

man. Are we good?

We're okay, right?

We do not work on the same project. That is your rule.

I know, but I'm changing it. I really need your help.

Okay.

I'll be there in a minute.

I will be there.

All right.

Great.

You look beautiful today, by the way. You look so good.

You look sexually frustrated, though. Bye.

Guys, can we check in real quick?

Sorry, I'm intrigued by your creative process.

Well, yeah, it's improv -based.

It seems totally improv -y. Well, we're actually acting refugees from L .A.

I studied at Stella Adler, and Jesus is a trained Shakespearean, but we couldn't

make it work.

Yeah, I mean, you know, Shakespeare in L .A., that should have been the first.

Red flag that work was not forthcoming. Oh, we fell into advertising.

There's nothing to be ashamed of there. I'm a musician.

Attempting to be a musician.

Actually, could I try that oud?

Absolutely.

And?

We come from a proud tradition of men and women who have... fallen from the

great tightrope of the creative arts into the safety net of advertising.

You guys want to workshop something real quick?

If only you believed, my darling, if only you believed. If only you believed,

my darling, if only you believed.

With that sound above our heads, the dreams of yuletide Christmas flares.

Hedging our eclectic cells, to sell gifts off electric shelves.

Holidays on layaway, we're burrowing through borrow time.

There's a ray of light ahead, that suits us jolly well.

If only you believe, my darling, if only you believe, I believe.

If you do believe my darling, then I'll believe it too.

If I do believe it darling, then somehow

we'll make it through.

Mary, are you pumped?

I am.

Hey Zeus, are we going to win this thing? We are going to win this thing.

do it.

Here, computers shall be all right in court, and gentlemen in England now abed

shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their men with

sheep while honey speaks, who fought with us upon St. Crispin's Day.

Is that in the Bible?

Yeah, the actress' Bible.

Shit!

What?

I could really use another coffee.

You know, you should really eat something.

You know, I think I have a sunflower butter sandwich in here somewhere.

What the hell is sunflower butter?

Is that who I think it is?

Five, four, three, two, one.

I'm not here.

Agent PSF?

I'm sorry, Mr. Baker, he's not here right now.

He's out getting some much -needed nourishment.

I don't know, maybe it was stolen because I heard that a quarter of all

San Francisco is mobile phone related.

I don't know what I did if it happened to me. I'd feel so naked.

Mr. Baker?

Oh, you're good.

Why do you put up with that horrible man?

Because he's my boss.

He didn't have to be. From what I heard, you were next in line and you turned it

down. I'm tired.

It's a lot of work being me.

The aging gay black man.

The old borderline adorable.

You know, everyone hates Andy Baker so much. Bet you could have his job if you

wanted it.

You know a lot of stuff, huh?

Comes with wearing a lot of hats.

Like cleaning lady.

All right, so this is the last in our so -easy -even -a -chicken -could -use -it

contest.

Why so many chickens?

Oh, well, hey, Zeus and I both think that chickens are a great advertising

platform because they're funny. They're stupid. And yet infinitely relatable.

And delicious. Anyway, we open on a man wearing a chicken suit. Maybe outside a

fried chicken restaurant.

He looks sad.

Meanwhile, we see a real chicken in a tiny business suit walking down the

sidewalk. They see each other, but they can't communicate.

Hello, chicken.

So,

the man uses the Bartlett to look up real -time chicken translation, and in

final shot, we see the two of them in bed together in a luxurious, beautifully

lit hotel suite.

Did you say real -time chicken translation?

Well, we'd have to check if that's possible, but yes.

What do you think?

Are you

okay, my son?

Roger?

How long has he been under here? Maybe 15 minutes. Five minutes.

Has he said anything?

Maybe he doesn't like our work.

Oh, no.

You know how you people are.

Artists. Right?

What the hell is going on?

Roger won't come out from under the desk.

Is he self -harming?

I don't think so.

Roger, think about Branson, okay?

Think about opportunity and reward.

Next time on Bartlett. I don't think chickens are funny.

It doesn't have to be a chicken. Yes, it does. My dad could write better copy

and he still pokes people on Facebook.

I still poke people on Facebook.

The ship is not going to right itself with Roger at the helm. And you want me

throw you this black jacket?

I want it off.

I fired the best thing that ever happened to me.

Hey there, what do you want from me? Could you give me some love? Get my soul

free?

Yeah.

What's that sound above our heads?

Dream groups like Christmas lights.

And dreams of eclectic cells.

Tales of eclectic shells.

Holidays on a layaway, we'll burrow in, we'll burrow time.

There's a ray of light ahead, it'll shoot the shadow red.

If only we believed, my darling, if only we believed.

If only we believed, my darling, if only we believed.

So tell me you believe, my darling, tell me you believe.

Cause if you do believe, my darling, then I'll believe it too.

Yes, I believe it too.

Oh, I believe it too, my darling. Yes, I believe it too.

And if we don't believe it, darling, I know we'll make it through.