Original subtitles

Previously on Bartlett.

Where's Roger?

It looks like a bodega blew up in here.

He's sleeping here every night.

No. What the hell are you doing behind the sofa?

Sofa fort. You promised to take care of our clients. Cross your heart and hope

to die.

We got blankets, pillows, half a box of Malamar.

What happened, Roger? I can't figure it out. Talk to Maggie.

Sometimes I just need to mobilize my passion.

Are these all your clients?

Yeah. They must be really good. They look so happy.

I only take pictures of the happy ones.

What the hell is that?

Someone's outside.

So, last night... I hope I didn't disappoint.

No, but when you invited me to see your million -dollar car collection, I didn't

think you were the mechanic.

Sorry for the confusion.

This is Hans talking.

I know it's early, but I need the blue badge.

Yeah, yeah, Roger.

Please, one moment.

Why are you talking like that?

I'm selling a dream, baby.

You know, the reliable yet exotic German mechanic.

I like you too.

Raja, my friend.

Hans, um... Come in, yeah.

Are you sure I can... Yeah, this is good.

Is it? Because you're naked.

I am assuming this is about a lady?

Yeah.

Met her a few weeks ago at work, and I think there's something happening

us. You think?

There's maybe another guy or guys I asked around.

No one in this league.

Do not worry.

These men will cry like babies when they see the Blue Banshee.

Your father was a great man. To leave you his honor.

Not really a great man, but he died.

Yeah.

Good for you. Yeah.

Oh, so this is where you're all hiding.

Hey, you can't just barge in here, Maggie.

Never leave the reception desk unattended, Caitlin. Surely that rules

top ten.

I'm a seven, actually.

How did you get past security?

I walked.

I thought she was on the list.

What list?

The persons of interest list.

Oh, how notorious.

There isn't really a persons of interest list I made that up to make you feel

better. It worked.

Bob, I thought you said I wouldn't be seeing Roger today.

Oh, out by 10 and by 11. Was that your plan?

Who else am I going to replace him with?

Maggie is the right man for the job.

I'm not replacing anybody. I said I'd come in and talk.

It's a formality. If Maggie wants to talk, we should. You stay out of this.

in the middle of this.

And you need to go.

really have to put my foot down as the only account executive in this office. I

just feel like... Maybe it'd be easier.

Okay. I'm going.

You see, Bob, this firing people thing isn't so easy. Shut up.

Maggie, I thought you wanted this.

I don't even know what this is, Bob.

People say you don't even have clients anymore, which can't be true.

Oh, my God.

But the bones. The bones are good.

What bones? The carpeting? The brand, the network.

I'll give you everything you need to reboot this entire agent.

Actually, I'm already working on that. Oh, really?

Unless you plan on building a fucking time machine to go back and fix this,

there's... Time is all I need. No, no, no, no, no. This is not a wonderful

The building alone is foreclosed. Clarence isn't getting his wings, and

George Bailey...

Remind me later.

No, you said you'd call him in ten minutes. Scout's bleeping on us.

Fuck!

I need some privacy.

Hey, Andy, how are you?

So you finally made it to Cali? I finally made it.

We lost a few good men to typhoid and cannibalism. Shut up, Bob.

Has Newhouse been eliminated?

It really creeps me out when you talk like that. Is the deed done?

No, I've only been here an hour.

I guess I'm just not the professional hitman you thought I was.

Roger, this is really tacky. There was a Christmas fire sale at Fisherman's

Wharf. They were practically giving them away. Poor tree.

Well, we lost the plant guy.

Mike?

Mike was the plant guy. Mike, right.

Yeah, Ken was the IT guy.

Wendell was the security guy.

Okay, I'm not good with names.

Oh, is that your problem?

I'm the first to admit, you were better than me.

Our star. Our bright, shining star.

Lighting the way forward. And then one day... No star. I knew it.

You blame this whole mess on me. No, it's a compliment.

Okay. So if we're trading compliments, then you were my anchor.

Always weighing me down.

Hey, I closed those deals.

Yeah. And you took all the credit.

Not exactly a fair distribution of wealth.

I'm sorry you were so disappointed.

Maybe if there were three of me, you would have been satisfied.

Don't you want to be with me? Cause I want to be with you.

I want to be the one. Don't you want to be with me?

Cause I want to be one of the, one of the,

one of the one.

You got the man. I got the man.

Don't you understand? We could be more than.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Society drains all the...

Or in Andy Baker's case, the doughy, balding psychopath.

That's your severance packet. If you have any questions, talk to your HR

manager. Would that be Caitlin?

Yeah.

You have five minutes to clear out your stuff.

There goes the family.

What family?

He's right. You always said we were family.

I lied.

No, I think you believed it.

Advertising isn't about treasuring what you have. It's about coveting what you

don't. That's not family. That's anti -family.

Well, I'm not leaving.

It's not a negotiation.

I have a job to do. Cross my heart and hope to die, remember?

I absolve you of all your promises.

Just go, please.

There's something you don't know. I know everything.

Au contraire, mon frere.

Rod, for fuck's sake, tell him about the pitch.

What pitch?

The Pi computer pitch.

For the new top secret tablet thingamajiggy? Tablets are for Moses.

paradigm shift. Or should I say paradigm shift.

He's fucking with you, Bob.

I am not. This is a fuck -free zone.

Just ask Caitlin. That's rule number three.

Pear is a closed pitch.

Invite only.

I just so happen to know the new head of marketing.

Pete and I went to Davis together. We were roommates and co -chaired the D &D

club.

32 hit points, gelatinous cube.

Pete Wong is Stinky Pete.

All I had to do was call up Stinky, remind him I still had the photos of

the goat, the salami. We were in like Flynn.

Why didn't you tell me about the pitch?

Because Roger can do it on his own. Boom. How much Kool -Aid are you

Caitlin? He's going up against premier agencies.

Oh, premier agencies like Khan and Partners. You invited a double agent

midst, Bob. I'm not working on that pitch. I haven't even seen it.

Bullshit. You are their best creative.

It's Sanjay's pitch.

We don't work on the same project.

Why? Do you threaten him, too?

She does not threaten me. I want to see your pitch.

What about Benedict Arnold here?

She's not a double agent.

Go on, my son.

Show him what we did.

You might want to take a seat.

Things are about to get bumpy.

St. Bernardine, patron of advertising.

Do not call upon you often, but please bestow upon Roger the wisdom to be pure

of message and true of target audience.

There's any number of ways we can go with the narration, but I'm thinking,

know, it kind of builds with internet stars, music stars, and just movie

It goes all over the place. Matthew McConaughey starts it out, you know,

like... All right, this is the freedom to live your dream. And then, boom, we

bring it in with a little bit like Snoop Dogg. Yeah, for cheesy player and

fulfill your destiny. And then, bam, we bring it in with a little bit of like

gravitas, like maybe more like a James Earl Jones kind of thing. This is

Bartlett. And then we stitch together Alan Rickman's, all of his past

recordings, and we get mobilize your passion.

Okay.

Okay.

I like it.

You like it?

It's a start.

A start?

It's bleeding edge. It's hemorrhaging all over the place.

What do you think?

Someone likes drop shadows.

They add depth.

And I counted like six different fonts.

Two, and they're in the same family.

But mobile is your passion, Roger.

Very clever.

Okay, so where's the rest of it?

The... What?

The meat. He wants to see the meat.

Yeah, this is meat. The appetizer.

But the main course sells it. And you know that, Roger. We need spec scripts

storyboards and ad lobs.

I've got plenty of meat. I'm grilling.

I'm roasting. I'm deep fat frying.

It's going to be an ambrosial smorgasbord of meats.

A charcuterie of deep fat... You're not ready.

You know what?

The pitch is in two hours, so it doesn't even matter.

Two hours?

Yeah. So back off, Bob. I've got this.

Roger. Pete Wong is on line one.

Fuck. It's never good when the client calls.

Relax.

I'll handle it.

Stinky. What? I told you, Roger. Stinky is dead to me. It's Pete. Just Pete.

Good old days die hard. Listen up, brother.

Execute a U -turn.

Seriously? I went to the LA office holiday bash last night and it must have

a good one because I missed my flight.

Sorry to hear that.

It gets better because I totally got lost on my way to Burbank.

Execute a U -turn.

You know what the problem with LA is? There's no fucking landmark.

It's all flat and monochromatic. No wonder this town's obsessed with 3D.

Execute a U -turn. Will you shut up?

Raj, my day is fucked, so we're going to have to reschedule for 6 o 'clock. You

can do that, right?

Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. We'll make it work. Good.

Ciao, muchacho. Remember, Stinky is dead to me.

Jesus Christ, there's a chicken in the road.

Okay, so we've got eight hours.

Ha!

Christmas has come early, Maggie.

I know it makes you tick.

The challenge, the pressure.

Sign this contract.

And you get it all.

Okay, but this is my crusade.

Your what?

My Charlemagne.

Those empty desks out there. Those desks are the gravestones of my fallen

comrades waiting to be... Damn it.

Waiting to be avenged. And I will do the avenging. You develop the pitch on my

time. I'll decide who leads it. No, Roger's right. I can't work on it if he

doesn't want me to. Of course you can. I can't. Really?

Roger, believe it or not, I am trying to show you some respect.

Can I borrow you for a minute?

Margaret,

no.

Why are you stalling?

I'm not stalling. Well, then you're overplaying your hand.

No, I'm not. We have one shot at this, Roger.

What does Sir Richard Branson say about opportunity?

Opportunity is awesome.

No.

If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you don't know how to do

you say yes, and then you learn to do it later.

Right. Yeah. You know this one.

Get in here.

We each have something to prove to this shitty, unforgiving, unappreciative

business.

It could be the kismet of faith.

or the folly of coincidence, but whatever the reason, and despite all our

differences, we should grab this opportunity by the feet and milk it.

So, what do you say?

No. Next time on Bartlett, we've got to find you a

team and put some meat on this pitch.

What? We hope we are the answer to your prayers.

Guys, can we check in real quick?

A pair of computer pictures is a shit show.

This is terrible.

I really need your help. We do not work on the same project. That is your rule.

I know you want this.

What you're actually saying is you want this.

No, no, our needs are intertwined.

Don't you believe?

Yes!

I wanna, baby, wanna.