All language subtitles for I-dont-want-your-grandmothers-statue-I-prefer-your-ass--SuperPorn

Say that again.

Hi, do you think you could help me with
something?

I have a bird in my car.

You've got a bird in your car?

What kind of bird?

Is it attacking you?

We're in a pet shop, by the way. Are you
trying to sell a bird? Because we're in

a pet shop. And we don't take care of
birds either.

You hear what this girl's saying?

It's just heavy. I can't lift it by
myself.

All right. Well, I mean, I'm vacuuming.
You mind helping her out? How big is it?

It's pretty big.

About maybe up to my shoulder or so.

How heavy would you say it is?

50 pounds.

How's your back doing, man?

My back is pretty good.

Your back's still good?

You want to take a look at it?

Thank you very much.

What in the hell?

Hey, don't bring that in my shop, man.

Ma 'am,

I almost wish it was a real bird at this
point.

Hold on one second, ma 'am.

Can't even fucking vacuum without
getting interrupted these days.

It's looking at me.

I assume you want to sell it?

Yes.

What are you looking to get for it?

Well, it has a lot of value.

When it's been in my family for a long
time and I want to get as much as I can

out of it, maybe $1 ,500.

$1 ,500?

Ma 'am, I don't spend that much money on
firewood, to be honest with you.

Its face is even lopsided.

I don't know which eye is looking at me.

It's worth more than you think.

Well, I mean, did it come over on the
Mayflower or something? What makes it so

expensive? What makes it so valuable?

It's actually from Bora Bora.

From where?

Bora Bora.

It's a pretty tropical island.

Island?

Yeah.

I ain't never been to no island.

So just because it's from a place means
it's expensive.

Is that like when you get leather from
Italy, it's Italian leather, makes it

more expensive?

I ain't into all that stuff. It looks
like a log to me.

It could really fit in at someone's
house.

Someone would appreciate this.

Not in my store. I feel like sales would
go down if I keep it in my store.

Why are you selling it then if it's so
expensive and so rare?

Well, my grandma gave it to me when she
was in an assisted living home.

Wow. All right. Well, why don't you, you
know, I don't know.

So grandma gave it to you as a gift,
told you it's expensive.

You know, sometimes old people go a
little senile.

I don't exactly know, you know, what's
what. You think that might have been the

case?

I know it has a lot of worth.

Jamal, maybe I need a second opinion or
something. Come over here and

see what you think about this.

What do you think, man?

You ask me, I like this. I mean, it's
hand -carved.

It's all, seems to be beech, beech wood,
red.

I mean, this is a very unique piece.
What are you, a fucking entomologist?

Look, smiling on, what do you want to
buy this thing?

This is nice.

Nice. Look at the detail in it. Come on,
man, you can't go wrong. You know, I

knew you'd like that. I can tell your
style by your wardrobe when you ain't

working, man. All right, I can't tell
who you're working for.

Are you working for me or her?

All right, man. So glad I got your input
on this one. All right, ma 'am. I

apologize for that. Back to business.

I'm thinking I can give you, I don't
know, I mean, 40 bucks.

That's insulting.

It's really unique.

I mean, that it is, but unique doesn't
mean expensive. I need to turn a profit

here. I'm thinking maximum, maximum, I
can get $100 out of it.

I mean, I need to turn it into some sort
of profit. I'm hesitant to even keep it

on the showroom floor simply because it
probably will scare away some customers.

I mean, maybe around Halloween time it
would be a nice piece to put out front

something, let people know we're
festive.

Well, why don't you just do yourself a
favor? If your grandma liked it so much,

why don't you just return it to her and
save yourself some trouble?

I can't. My grandma's dead.

She told me that, you know, this is
something I could sell if I ever needed

make some money.

She's dead? Did the bird kill her?

You're so mean.

No.

Well, I mean, luckily for her, she don't
need to look at it anymore. That's for

sure. All right.

Since Grandma's dead now, I feel
slightly bad, so I'll give you 50 bucks.

That's as high as I can go. That's all I
can do.

Take it or leave it.

Sorry, that's just not enough.

I know it's worth more.

I'd feel pretty bad if I took it for
that money.

Alright, well, what was your name again?

Felicity. Felicity?

Alright, it was a pleasure. Hey, Jamal,
mind putting this thing back in its

cage?

It's scaring me.

What kind of bird even is that?

I think this is a macaw.

What the hell, man? Are you going to go
buy this from her later?

I'm not too sure. I might.

It goes with the rest of my collection.
I got an Indian cigar holder.

Well, hold on now. Hold on now.

I'll take it from here, Jamal.

Appreciate that.

All right.

Oh, excuse me there, little lady. I'm
just going to wheel this right back to

where you're standing.

So I never even asked you why you're
getting rid of it.

I mean, if it means so much to you, why
are you selling it?

Well, this month's been a little bit
hard on me, and I need to pay... first

last month security and moving into a
new apartment.

Well, how much is that?

About $1 ,500.

$1 ,500.

And you were trying to get that out of
this?

I mean, I was going to try.

I know it's worth something.

I mean, something, but not that much.
Come on.

I don't know.

I was going to see what I could get out
of it.

I know it's worth more than $50.

Alright. Look, so helping out young
ladies like yourself is sort of a

of mine.

So I'm thinking maybe come with me next
door to my office, and I'll see if I

can't figure out a way to help you out.

Why go to your office?

Well, A, that thing scares me, and I
don't want it looking at me anymore.

And B, maybe I'll brainstorm and come up
with really good ideas in my office.

That's where I do my best thinking.

I'll help you out. You know, I'm
thinking maybe I could figure out a way

you out.

I mean, you can't just negotiate here.

I mean, like I said, that thing gives me
the willies.

That's right. It's right here. It's in
the same plaza. It's just right next

door.

Okay.

Maybe you can help me out.

You betcha. I'll do my best, all right?
So follow me this way.

Hey, can you cover that thing up or
throw a coat on it or something?

I don't want, you know, I want to keep
business coming in.

Right this way, ma 'am.

All right, so here's the office right in
here. Come on, right in here in the

office. Don't be shy.

Jamal, clean up, man.

Yes, ma 'am. I'm a collector.

See you down right there.

I'm a collector of things as well as a
seller of things. But notice I don't

any big birds in here. I mean, those are
the only birds I got.

But, you know, the Mustang and the SR
-71, those are my favorites.

I mean, I still think you could sell it.

You have a lot of antiques and stuff.

Yeah, but no big wooden bird antiques. I
mean, the only thing I got there is an

old Indian sheep from Zanzibar. And that
one's clearly an antique. You can tell

by the wear on the wood.

So, like I said, I'm at $100.

That's my price point for your parakeet
there.

It's a macaw.

I don't know. You know, I'm just going
to give up on that. How else do you

that you could help me?

electronics are hot I'll tell you that I
mean TVs cell phones stuff like that is

always always selling I really don't
have any of those that I could sell I'm

kind of in the process of moving so I
don't have that much stuff hmm that's a

bummer I mean I'm trying to help you out
here I am I'm thinking take a load

off take your backpack off you look
uncomfortable

All right, good, good. That's good. I
want you to be as comfortable as

I mean, that's how I think the best.

So you got nothing to sell.

I definitely don't want Big Bird.

How do you usually help people out?

Well, actually,

in a position similar to yours,

Typically what I'll do is I'll have
girls help me out in the office.

Like a secretary?

More like a personal assistant, if you
will.

Hmm.

I mean, what type of responsibilities
would that entail?

You know, I'm just taking care of my
personal needs pretty much, you know,

in and day out stuff.

Huh.

What type of needs?

You know, just stuff that, you know,
whatever it comes up, you take care of

So how much would a job like that pay?

Actually, it really depends on how much
you're willing to assist me.

Assist you?

Yes, ma 'am.

Personal assistance.

What exactly would that entail?

Just personal favors. Not like a gopher.

More like a, um...

How do I say... Hmm.

Let's just say I've had quite a few
personal assistants.

And they're typically, you know, pretty.

Hmm.

Would this personal assistant be
involving sexual favors? Ah, dang.

There you go. I knew you were smart.

Yes, ma 'am.

What kind of a person do you think I am?

Oh, hey.

I'm just trying to help you out. You
know, you're moving.

Your grandmama died.

You know, you need money.

I'm the guy with the bank at this point.
And it ain't a loan. You ain't got to

pay me back.

Ugh.

I had a feeling this was going to happen
again.

Again?

Well... Oh, so see, come on. You're
already ahead of the game.

Not exactly.

Someone offered me this type of
arrangement once, but I was just really

it. And how'd that go? Tell me how well
that went.

I didn't do it.

Uh -huh. There's a reason I need money.

Uh -huh.

So what, okay, I feel like I'm feeling
you out here now.

What's your number?

Not your phone number. I don't care
about that. I ain't calling you after

I need your bond number.

How much? You say you need $1 ,500.

That obviously is out of the question.
That's too much money. Alright?

What's the number you need?

About like $800.

That's too much. That's a big gap right
there.

I can't do that. I can do $200.

$200 is too low.

That's not going to pay anything.

Alright, so that's what I'm saying.
What's your bottom number?

Well...

I'd like to walk out of here and pay
almost all of my rent.

So how much do you need from me?

At least $500.

$500. But at least you're moving in the
right direction.

Alright, here's what we'll do.

Let's call it a deal at 4.

And that's only because I like your
eyes.

Alright?

So... We'll call it a deal at 4. That
sound good?

Yeah, but... What?

Are you expecting me to do?

Oh, don't worry about that. I'll take
the lead. Oh, by the way, that price

includes file footage for myself from
this here video camera.

It has already been recording, so don't
worry about it. I already got your

confession saying you're willing to do
sexual acts for money. So if you

don't want to, you can back out now.

Or you can make that $400.

Wow. You're a dick.

What'd you say about my dick?

I can't believe you take advantage of
people like this.

Oh, no, I don't take advantage of all
people. Only, you know, not unless

18 to 25 and female and pretty like
yourself.

Hmm. Oh, wow.

I'm so flattered.

You should be.

Ugh.

Alright, we got a deal?

I don't know.

What do you...

What do you want me to do?

Alright, well, here. I'll take the lead.

But you can start by getting on your
knees and coming over here.

Take that hat off, too.

Well, yeah, come on. What, are you just
going to sit there? You know how this

goes.

Well, what?

You have a really big dick.

Well, thank you, ma 'am. Oh, damn. She
goes right forward. All right.

Oh, yeah. Get a little bit lower now.

Squat down.

Get that hair out of your face.

Oh, yeah. You got pretty eyes.

Oh, yeah.

Here, give me that hat, actually.

Come here. Give me your hat.

All right, there we go.

Damn,

look at those eyes.

Oh, yeah.

I'm struggling with no hands now.

No hands.

I said no hands.

Just that mouth.

Oh yeah.

Yo, you really want to earn your money
right now?

Yeah.

Get up under there.

What do you want me to do?

Just go in there and find my pie hole.

Pie hole?

Oh, yeah.

What do I do? I'm kind of shy.

I've never done this before.

Oh, that's all right. Just do it for
Grandma.

You'll make her proud.

Fine.

Oh, damn.

Oh,

yeah.

Get up in there.

Jerk me off while you do that.

Yeah, look all the way up now go from my
ass to the tip of my dick

I don't serve that big.

Oh, God damn.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God damn.

Oh shit

Hold on.

Stand up.

Oh, yeah.

God damn.

Bend over.

That is fucking nice right

there.

Shit. Good job, Grandma.

Right now.

Shit yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

All right.

Oh, shit.

Suck my dick.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah, just like that, girl.

Goddamn.

Alright, go sit on that chair right
there. Right there to your left.

Or your right, whatever.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh fuck.

Oh yeah.

God damn girl.

Oh, God damn.

You like swallowing, eh?

So seriously, how many times before did
you do this?

I knew it. I knew it. All right. Well,
you want to get paid?

All right, get dressed. You got to go
back to the shop now.

I got paper towels.

Do you need to wipe your face or no?

I need a little bit. I would think so if
you want to go back out in public.

So, I got some paper towels.

Well, I don't exactly know where they
are at the moment.

But, yeah, there's my shirt.

I bet you Jamal moved that bird out to
his car already.

Your comment is good.

Oh, well, thank you, man.

Appreciate that. That's a nice
sentiment.

Make me sleep better at night, let me
tell you.

Man, this clock ain't worked in 10
years.

Well, you know what they say, even a
broken clock's right twice a day.

Rock!

God damn!

I think if you came in with something
like this, made of stone, from the Aztec

period, you may have some money.

But your big parakeet, not so much.

You just don't appreciate it.

It's worth more than you think.

I doubt it.