Original subtitles

DYING OF LAUGHTER

Wait a minute! Hey! Where are you going?

Hey! I need your I.D.!

They're heading for make-up.

They're here. My God.

-Who's here? -Who? Are you stupid? Them.

-Them? Really? -Of course, you fool.

The genuine, the authentic, the two and only...

Nino and Bruno. They're in make-up.

What do we do?

-Nothing. What's wrong? -What's wrong?

The police are after them!

Relax. I'll talk to them.

No, not now. Come on, get out.

Who the fuck are these people?

Good. Here we are. Together again.

The legendary Nino and Bruno, ready to hit the stage.

You're here to do the show, right?

Relax, Ricky. Give us a second.

What about his hair?

Fuck it! We've got other problems!

Let's go! Maria! Merche! Get out!

My boys, my boys.

I've dreamed of this for a long time.

After all that has happened. Together again.

I'm really getting emotional.

Look. I have goose pimples.

Okay. Enough bullshit.

We're going out that door

to put on the best New Year's show ever.

We'll kill them with laughter.

-You ready? -When you are.

No, not now. No photos. Clear the way.

Come on.

Get ready. Let's go.

No, not now. After, after.

I have nothing to do with this. I was forced.

Open the door.

I can't. You see that red light? They're recording.

This is destruction of justice.

-Obstruction. -Don't correct me in public!

Now we're accomplices. Open the door.

Fuck that. They can arrest them in half an hour.

Besides, where's their search warrant?

-That was a shot, man. -Everything's under control.

It must be part of the show.

You see? It's a comedy program.

This show hasn't got any shooting.

You're right. Open the damn door.

What's going on in there?

They're fantastic. Everyone's laughing.

You fat shit.

I'd rather be fat than have bad breath.

It's not my breath, it's your feet.

You can't trust someone who never washes his feet.

Call an ambulance!

Oh shit!

Please, everyone remain calm. Stay in your seats.

It's all right. It's all part of the show.

Well, this is the end.

I hate people who say " I told you so",

but I knew it would come to this.

I could have even prevented it. Christ.

It was all my idea. Even the names, Nino and Bruno.

They'd met before. At least they say they had.

It all began in a disco in a small town,

around 1972.

Nino was a singer.

One of those who copied popular songs.

But his weakness was Nino Bravo.

Free...

Like the rising sun, I'm free...

Like the sea.

Free...

Like the bird that escapes from its cage

and can finally fly.

Free...

Like the winds that gather my sadness and grief,

I'll follow the truth and I'll finally find freedom.

I'll show you freedom, you son of a bitch.

Free, like the rising sun, I'm free,

Like the sea.

Free...

Like the bird that escapes...

I'd never forget I owed you money.

Hey, watch your mouth.

I already fucking told you I'd pay you back!

How much was it again? That much?

No, no. Whatever you say.

I'm no good with money.

Hey, you!

What's up, asshole?

No, nothing. I'll help you

take those to the table.

Anything you want.

Go kill somebody!

Thank you, thank you. And now...

for another masterpiece

by the great Nino Bravo.

For all of you... Noelia.

There's a girl who's the same

but different from the rest.

Relax, man. Let me finish.

I told you I had the money.

It's almost as if I had it...

My friend's got it.

Yeah, I'm positive.

He gets paid today.

Yeah, tomorrow at 12. I'll be there.

...and I only know her name is Noelia.

I've lived for her for a long time,

and I only know her name is Noelia.

-How's it going? -Weathering the storm.

We're out of Pachar�n.

Give them whatever you've got and keep smiling.

I don't want any trouble.

It seems like

she's going to call me,

then she runs away

without speaking.

I've dreamed of her

for a long time,

and I only know her name is

Noelia.

I've lived for her for a long time,

and I only know her name is

Noelia.

Noelia, Noelia, Noelia.

Noelia, Noelia...

He's killed my girlfriend!

You killed our company mascot.

-I can't fucking believe it. -You ruined our manoeuvres.

Bastardo, asesino!

I didn't touch it. I love animals.

Don't be smart, asshole.

Easy, now. Are you sure it's dead?

Maybe you should give it

mouth to mouth, you fuckhead.

What have you done?

It wasn't me. Maybe it had a heart attack.

Relax, boys. Don't get excited. It was an accident.

Have a drink and calm down. On the house.

What do you say?

Merry Christmas!

I'm going this way.

Don't worry, the insurance will cover it.

-What insurance? -That's true.

Come on, cheer up. It's no big deal.

They only made you dance like that goat.

Though making you eat those flowers...

Especially the plastic ones.

Shit, you didn't say how far away you lived.

-Seven more kilometres! -But it's downhill.

I don't even know your name.

Joaquin Molina. But they call me Nino.

Yeah right, after Nino Bravo. I'm Jose Luis.

After your father?

No, I'm an orphan.

-Sorry. -It's all right.

I barely remember. You said you live with your mother.

Not exactly.

-Psycho! -That's Visir.

It's like living alone. Visir hates me.

So does my mother.

What's this?

Nothing... they're from my mom's lingerie shop...

Leftovers from last season.

They don't fit below.

Relax. You don't have to explain.

Each to his own.

Listen, Jos� Luis. I think we have to leave.

Why? We just got here.

My mother doesn't like strangers.

She'll try to take my socks off.

-It's not the first time. -Your socks?

My lucky socks.

They're my good luck charm. Since I started singing.

-Which was...? -Two years and 9 months ago.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

You haven't taken those off in three years?

Never. Like the cross around my neck. They bring me luck.

Got you far, haven't they?

It sounds ridiculous. But if I washed them,

they'd lose their esoteric powers.

I have a plan, so tell me what you think.

Tomorrow we're going to Madrid.

Madrid? Why?

To get you out of here, that's why. You can't stay here.

Besides, the club is going to be closed a while.

But what will we do there?

You're a singer, right?

Yeah, but...

I have a friend from San Ildefonso School...

That's where they sing...

The lottery numbers. I did it twice... So this guy

did a casting for a TV show.

A "castis"?

"Casting". It's English.

My English is pretty basic.

Hello, good morning, arrivederci...

No, it's for performers. It's a contest.

And leave my mother?

Look, Joaquin. It's time to grow up

and live your own life.

Hey, I'm here because I want to be.

I could have left a million times.

I don't need you, or your "castrins".

I'm with my mother because I love her.

Even if she doesn't talk to me.

Since my father died I'm all she has.

-Are you coming or not? -Of course I am.

Let's go! Don't piss me off! Goddammit!

Let's hurry this up, please!

The ventriloquists can leave.

Comics and impersonators! No fucking dolls!

Hey! The shark doesn't go there, you shithead!

What the fuck is this? You. Out.

You see? Comics and impersonators. No singers.

So? You're an impersonator.

What do you mean?

-You do Nino Bravo. -No, I don't.

I use his songs. It's different.

You copy his voice, his songs, his clothes...

-It's in homage. -So you're a homager.

As long as it makes them laugh.

But why does it have to be funny?

I'm a singer. And what are you?

They might need a good-looking host for the program.

You're an actor?

Sure. I was in "55 Days in Peking."

-As an actor? -As a Chinaman.

One of 5000. You can just barely see me.

I was near the front.

Where the fuck are the Romans?

So you'd take any job they offer.

Once we get a foot in the door we can change.

-It won't work. -Look at those legs.

Have you ever seen legs that long?

No fucking way. It's already worth the trip.

We've got nothing to lose.

In person they look bigger. So juicy...

-and soft on top. -Because it's flesh, not plastic.

Right there, a step away.

My God! They're moving!

You could just reach out

and stroke those thighs.

-Don't say thighs. -Thighs, thighs, thighs.

Shit!

Ask whatever you want of me but... comedy!

What's wrong? Women love comics.

What if nobody laughs? How embarrassing!

You can't be a tight-ass forever.

Okay. We go in, we make fools of ourselves, we leave.

-Happy? -Happy.

Look, I never said it was for sure.

I said your chances were good.

What I can't do is work miracles.

It's you who'll need a miracle!

First we want our money back.

Those are sign-up fees. You have to be more convincing.

Did you think it would be easy?

But we didn't even perform. They told us to go home.

-They said that? -That's right.

Well, in that case... I'll be straight with you.

They didn't like you.

-Maybe it was the outfits. -They're traditional.

I know, but they need some glitter, something shiny...

-I'll give you something shiny. -Hey, relax.

Calm down, this won't get us anywhere.

Look. At this point all I can do is go in there,

and talk to Chicho, who happens to be a friend of mine.

If there's a second round of casting your act could get picked.

If there isn't your ass gets kicked.

Let's not get carried away, girls.

That's fine. Thank you very much.

-Can we sing another? -Like " lrai litol player."

Thanks, but that's enough.

Ventriloquists! Through this door.

Let's see, next up.

Joaquin Molina and Jos� Luis Exp�sito.

Come on. It's our turn.

First the joke about Christ in the desert.

Then sing that " Free" thing you do so well.

Is there another exit around here?

They're casting the comedians.

-Those are comedians? -So they say.

They suck.

The chubby one is adorable.

-The other one's sexy. -They're hilarious.

They said no dolls? Well, he's human!

At times you can't tell,

but depending on the circumstances,

he even looks human, right?

He even studies and knows things.

He's tenacious.

Why am I saying this? Well, why not?

-What happened? -You screwed it up.

Shit! I forgot what Christ was doing in the desert.

Forget it. You can make the 1 2:00 bus.

-You're not coming? -No, I'm staying.

-What will you do? -I'll find a job.

-As a waiter? -No, never again.

-Well, what? -I don't know.

But, look. Admit it. I'm not funny.

I laugh, but I don't even get the jokes.

And you just chase women.

That's not funny. It's pathetic.

What great vibes!

I'm not being negative. Look at these people.

Their lives are boring. And though it's hard to admit,

we're just like them.

I see why your mom won't talk to you.

It's not like you have a fairy godmother

to save your ass.

Can I speak to you two for a second?

-We're busy. What do you want? -I'm your fairy godmother.

Hern�n Cort�s conquered an empire on guts alone.

Where was he from? A little town in Extramadura.

He was unknown in Madrid.

-What's he on about? -I don't know.

What is this?

We just want to get in show business, not conquer America.

That's why I brought you here, to show you the best.

Fof� the clown!

-Are you kidding? -Look, son. I forgive you,

because you're obviously ignorant.

These people are the top of show business, the cr�me de la cr�me.

That man says " How are you?" on TV, and all of Spain screams

" Fine".

But these people had training, a teacher...

I'm the teacher.

-Of all of them? -Of the best.

These, for example. You think the hat and tails were their idea?

It was all my idea.

And their name? They called themselves "The Funny Couple".

I told them, " No way. Tip and Coll." It's catchy. Tip and Coll.

-It is catchy. -Of course it's catchy.

Imagine, "Ortega and Gassett". Not a chance.

The name's the most important thing.

So you're Tipp and Coll's agent?

I didn't say that. We were like... brothers,

before all the big shows. But that's another story.

We'll do our own thing.

Do you want to give it a shot?

You think we'd be good comics?

Right now you suck,

truth be told.

But, there's something there, a feeling...

So now we have an agent, like the big stars.

Hold on, kid. Only a lucky few get to be big stars.

You have to work your ass off, from the bottom up,

polishing your jokes as if they were diamonds,

until they're perfect.

It's slave labour. I'll destroy you.

When do we start?

We already have.

Christ is driving a Seat 600. What happens?

Christ is driving... in the desert...

He sees Muhammad, who asks him: "Seen any mountains?"

It sounds like you're the one they fucking crucified!

Liven it up a bit. Try to have fun.

Christ is in the desert...

and he sees Muhammad... who asks him...

-"Seen any..." -Are you stupid?

-Never laugh at your own jokes. -That's comic suicide.

-We've rehearsed it 100 times. -I know, but...

-But what? -No buts.

-I'm leaving. -Wait.

-You have your socks? -Of course.

-So what's the fucking problem? -I don't get the joke.

I don't get why Christ is driving a Seat 600.

Why a 600? Because you say so?

Hey! It's a 600! It's obvious, isn't it?

It doesn't matter. Forget it.

Start with the studdering faggot who says:

"g-g-g-g-roovy" and ends up in a convent.

-I can't, I can't. -But everyone gets it.

Relax, they'll laugh. Don't be afraid.

Back off! Get back, you bastards!

Come on, run!

I'll never do this again!

Let's go. It's your turn.

Good luck, good luck.

And now, two exceptional comedians...

The hilarious, Nino...

Bruno and Nino!

I'm Bruno?

Good evening, everyone.

It's a pleasure to be here

for this intimate

Local celebration.

Show us your tits!

Well, I see there's another comic out there.

But I think tonight two is enough. Right, Nino?

Say something. Anything.

Christ was... was...

Come on! Say something!

Don't believe this means he has nothing to say.

He's actually a joke-telling machine.

He knows them all. It's just that,

a smart crowd makes him nervous.

He's "The Autistic Comic."

Asshole!

You see this face of an imbecile?

Well, he might be thinking of a joke to tell.

Maybe, the one about the studdering faggot?

Are you going to tell us the joke?

Smack him and see if he wakes up!

Normally we don't take requests from the audience,

but tonight we might make an exception.

Christ... 600... Christ...

We're going to perform an exercise in reanimation.

Nino, are you going to tell the joke?

Come on, Nino.

What's up, mosquito-brain?

-Hit me again. -What?

They're laughing. Hit me again.

That moment I realised.

A slap in the face. So simple. So brutal.

So absurd.

Slap after slap. People laughed their heads off.

That slap was an act of total anarchy.

"The liberation of all ethical compromise"...

as one newspaper put it.

Bruno did on stage what we've all wanted to do.

Slap someone with impunity, with indifference,

without being punished.

Villalpando, Toledo, Malaga, Torremolinos.

Always the same effect. Like pressing a button.

To slap our boss, our mother-in-law,

the President, the Pope.

Yes, it was strangely immoral. Sinister, even.

But isn't that true of all life's pleasures?

Shit, Gila. I'm telling you, fuck!

Look. Don't tell anyone this, but...

without me he's nobody. You got it?

I even told you about the phone, shit.

Yeah, the phone.

That was my idea, you know?

-Is this from Ibiza? -You like my ring?

Let's go out to my car. Feeling naughty?

Before you get drunk...

I want to talk to you alone.

-You like the blond, eh? -Shut up, silly.

Yeah, but... it's about the act.

Forget the act. Live a little.

That's my intention.

That's why I need to know.

Know what?

When will you stop slapping me?

Never. That's the key to our success.

I know. But we could make a little change.

For example?

Well, I could slap you sometimes.

But that's not funny at all.

Not funny?

No, the cute guy has to slap the ugly guy.

Why are you the cute guy?

Come on, Nino. Try to be objective.

Excuse me, I want to ask a favour. My friend's ashamed.

You may be right after all.

Sure. Anything.

Well... I'd like to do it to you.

" Do it to you"? She's all yours.

Do what to me?

-I didn't hurt you, did l? -She's wanted to ever since

she first saw you.

You were born for this. It's an animal attraction.

His face begs to be slapped.

Right, girls? Come on, let's dance.

-Sorry, I got the wrong... -Hey, you're Bruno!

No, I'm Nino. Bruno's the funny one.

Hi. I'm Laura. And I think you're funnier.

You deserve credit.

-You think so? -Yes.

It's that face you make. How do you do it?

I don't know. It's natural.

His name is known in all the world.

He has very special powers. Today he'll demonstrate.

What will Uri Geller show us tonight?

He says

he will show us what made him famous in the world.

He says on the table...

He says there are many spoons, not his spoons, obviously ours.

We've met before.

-Really? -Yeah.

I'll give you a hint.

In that contest.

You had the same glasses, and your legs...

I saw your audition. You were great.

Ah, that was nothing.

But you were so clear about it.

Well, the idea, the germ was there.

Later we polished it, because humour is like a diamond.

You have to polish it.

It's admirable to know what you want.

First I wanted to be a missionary, then an actress.

Now I study law.

To be a lawyer?

No, to go on strike.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm in the C.N.T...

An anarchist! You could go to jail for that.

I hope so. It might be the only safe place in the future.

Unbelievable! Missionary, revolutionary...

and you're, well...

you don't look like an activist.

Can I do something?

It depends.

I won't hurt you.

What was that for?

I like men who make me laugh.

Yeah? Well, I know many jokes.

The studdering faggot, and Christ driving a Seat 600...

in the desert... and Muhammad...

Silence! Everyone shut up!

-Silence! -Who's that?

Some drunk.

He wanted to be a singer.

I said no, man. Bend spoons.

Pass these around.

Look. Take the spoon.

Take the spoon.

Get another.

Forks? No way! But spoons? A fucking great idea!

Look. This guy's a friend... a friend... until death.

Look, look, look. Do it. Fuck. You do it.

I'll teach you to use your tongue.

No, don't listen to him.

Look, look, look. Fuck.

It's cold. Completely cold.

He bent the spoon!

This guy has powers.

This guy has powers!

Die, fucker!

-Are you crazy? -What's she doing here?

-Who? -Laura.

Laura? Her name's Laura?

That's right, asshole. She studies law.

-You know her? -Before you.

-Wild, isn't she? -Shut up. Don't say that.

How could you fuck me over like this?

What, is she an old girlfriend from school?

You fuck before you even ask her name?

With women you have two options.

Please, spare me the neighbourhood stud speech.

You need to hear it.

You can either be the nice little friend and get nothing,

or you can get to the point and get laid.

Let them see your aura,

your magnetism that says... " I want to fuck."

" I want to fuck."

-That's what they understand. -And that's it.

No, later you can have a drink, go to a movie...

You don't know what love is.

And you do.

No, but I sense it. Even in the bathroom with a magazine.

But you're like a cork.

You screw once and get dumped.

Watch it. Nobody dumps me.

-Yeah, sure. -What do you mean, sure?

She won't put up with you for even a week.

Nobody can. Except me, though I don't know why.

-You want to bet? -Anything you want.

-If she leaves me in a week... -We change our name.

-You'd like to be Bruno, eh? -No, dumbshit. The order.

Instead of Bruno and Nino, Nino and Bruno sounds better.

So that's it. You're jealous.

You're the one who arranged the names.

Okay. If I lose, we change the order.

But if you lose, those socks go in the fucking trash.

My... my socks?

Yeah, your lucky socks that stink.

We'll burn them and dance around the fire.

In one week your little reign will be over.

In one week I won't have to explain that smell

of rotting dead sheep! You prim little shit.

I'd rather be prim

than a crude scumbag.

Am I interrupting?

I didn't know you were rehearsing.

So three more days here and then to Toledo.

-Great, Juli�n. -You can meet my cousins.

They work with the Bullfighting Fireman.

But when are we going to Madrid?

-Why Madrid? -Why do you think?

For the hookers? For some fucking exposure.

What's with you? Are you mistreated?

I'm treated great.

All these places belong to your relatives.

Your cousin, or your brother in law.

Are you too good for all this?

No, but I hope you have relatives in Madrid,

or else we'll never go.

So you want to go to Madrid?

Fine, right fucking now. I'll make a few calls.

But don't count on me. I'm out.

What are you saying?

-Am I your manager? -Of course you are.

We're nobody without you. Like Gila. Like Tip and Coll.

Then we go when I say so, got it?

We have to polish the act...

-Like a diamond. -Exactly.

It has to be tight. You don't have any tits to hide behind.

We'll show them. And if it's not funny,

it's over. Fuck it. That's the business.

-Is that clear? -Very clear, Juli�n.

Then enough bullshit. Today we rehearse.

I can't today.

What do you mean?

-I have a meeting. -With whom?

Why should I explain? Someone, that's all.

Hi.

The demonstration is at six. We can get

the pamphlets on the way.

Demonstration? You'll get us all thrown in jail!

It's no big deal, just a little screaming.

We can't sit around while the country goes to shit.

Since when are you into politics?

-Since always. -Yeah?

Who's the Minister of the interior?

The interior? Well...

I'm above your little game. Who the hell cares?

They're all fascists.

Would you please shut up?

-Tomorrow morning we rehearse. -Okay.

I'll leave you some pamphlets, just in case.

See you boys later.

Cover that. They'll arrest us all.

This street is full of... secrets.

People have been nervous lately.

They say General Franco is sick.

They've been saying that for years.

I think it's an actor.

They found some little bald guy to wave from the balcony.

An actor.

-Do you have a printing press? -A printing press?

My poor anarchist got beat up by the police.

A peaceful demonstration. Burning cars and throwing stones.

I was expecting a hippie sit-in.

The hunger strike's next week.

You can count me out. Let someone else save

Spain.

Are you Jos� Luis Exp�sito, alias " Bruno"?

-That's my artistic name. -Whatever.

You, Miss. Get dressed.

-But what did we do? -You know exactly what you did.

-You mean the demonstration? -Don't say anything.

Get her out of here or I'll kick her ass!

She's just nervous.

Would you please shut up and put on your pants?

Fuck!

-What the hell is that? -You know exactly what it is.

-I swear I have no idea. -It's a printing press.

It's used to make pamphlets. Like this one!

I don't understand.

-Are you calling me a liar? -No! God, no.

Ramirez was right about it.

It seems we've found the organisers.

Organisers? I know nothing about this. It must have been...

The girl?

Yes. She's up to her neck in this stuff.

I just wanted her to like me.

He thinks we're fucking idiots!

No disrespect intended, eh?

I'll show you who to respect.

No. It was her. I swear. I'm just a comedian.

We don't think you're funny.

What is this? Another joke?

I didn't make this.

This is crazy. You can't kill me for getting laid!

-What day is it? -Answer, asshole.

You don't know?

April 1st.

April fools! April fools!

How could you fall for these two? The magician and the fakir!

You took it so seriously, Jesus!

You're a bunch of pigs. I almost had a heart attack.

She fell for it.

The truth is, they almost had me going there.

They exaggerated at the end.

Like when you blamed me for everything.

" I didn't do it, it was her." Great stuff.

You heard all that?

We were outside, trying not to piss ourselves.

Shit, Laura. I was faking, just going along with it.

You did a great job.

His face when he saw the pistol! He bought it.

Yeah, the pistol was a nice touch. Fucking great.

Come on, let's have a drink. On Bruno.

Yeah, let's go. I'm buying.

-Friends? -Friends.

No grudges, shit.

-Come on, boys! We fooled him! -You fell for it.

You're a fucking great guy.

Laura, wait!

I need my things. I'm leaving.

Why? Because of that spectacle?

You know what I feel like doing?

Anything.

Tell Nino he deserves credit...

for putting up with a dickhead like you.

All right. I went too far. I'm sorry.

Don't hold it against me.

Did I say anything?

I got carried away. It went too well.

You have to admit you made it easy.

I fucked up with Laura. It's not your fault.

I thought she'd get flustered, not leave you forever.

And I didn't think you'd mind so much.

Mind? Me? She's not worth it.

You've been teary-eyed all week.

You really think I care?

I just act like it to satisfy you.

Really? Then the truth is, I don't regret it at all.

I just didn't want to rub it in.

In fact, I can barely keep from laughing every time I see you.

I thought so.

Come on.

Do I have to beg? Do you forgive me or not?

Of course I do, you retard.

Thanks. I was worried.

-You screwed me pretty good! -Friends.

I'm not going to freak out over a girl.

Is it so obvious I'm a bastard?

No... well, actually...

I mean, you knew I'd betray her?

Not really, though you did.

I had my doubts.

Let's forget it.

Don't feel bad. I'd have done the same thing.

I'm a coward like you.

That's enough.

I may have lasted a little longer, but...

Will you shut the fuck up?

34 million people.

What?

Tomorrow 34 million people

will laugh their fucking heads off with Nino and Bruno!

Right?

-Yes! Yes! -Louder, damn it!

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Live, from Prado del Rey studios...

Two hours of music, interviews, and comedy.

And speaking of comedy, our guests tonight

know very well how to make you laugh,

even if it hurts.

Good evening, Nino and Bruno.

Good evening. We're pleased to be here.

And how did you two

slap your way to success?

Well, it's important to have

a sense of humour.

And you, Nino?

How do you handle all the abuse?

Don't bother. It's useless.

The lights and cameras

paralyse him. It's all right.

Is he shy?

No, he's stupid. But we're like brothers.

And what if I tried to slap him?

No problem.

Go ahead. He won't feel it.

Are you sure?

He's like a doll.

Like rubber. The secret is relaxation.

It's an oriental technique,

discovered in Nepal. By not thinking,

and Nino never thinks,

you create an energy field that repels the slap.

I see.

In slow motion we'd see that the hand actually

never touches the face.

The human eye can't distinguish.

The slap is really just a visual effect.

You mean l, or anyone, could try it

without special training?

Yes, of course. In fact, let's

invite the audience

to give it a shot.

What do you think, Nino?

He'd love to.

All right. If someone in the audience

would like to slap Nino...

I see hands...

Here we go.

Are you their manager?

You have a call.

Follow me.

Go ahead, slugger.

That's it. Good one.

Don't hold back, Ma'am.

No mercy.

-Yes? -50,000 a night.

-What? -50,000 a night!

Yeah, well... we have many offers.

We'll double it.

Another call.

One second.

Fucking great, right?

Hello! With pleasure. 100,000 a week?

I mean starting.

We should talk later. I'm in a meeting.

Hold on. I'll call you.

Calm down! Calm down!

Easy, boys.

Are you crazy?

You vindictive rat!

You were born for this.

Even the cameramen slapped me!

So? It not my fault.

It's not your fault?

-Get him off of me! -What's wrong with you?

We should be celebrating.

We'll even be on the news.

Yeah, the lead story.

Get him off me!

Get this thing off me!

We're on the air!

Go ahead. Kill each other. Forget the good news.

The best TV show of all time just called.

" 1,2,3" called?

Chicho in person.

He wants to see you

tomorrow morning.

And then...

the bomb went off.

We reached the top, the highest point.

We made TV history. Champagne commercials,

New Year's Eve specials, all-star shows...

You name it. They had it all.

Fame, money, even their own brand of cupcakes.

They were the perfect couple.

Always friends, always smiling.

Nobody was happier.

So clean. So innocent.

Nobody would ever suspect

that those cupcakes had a sour filling.

People say I'm exaggerating,

but I assure you it all really happened.

They even bought identical houses,

connected by a single wall... to be closer,

to spy on each other day and night.

Bruno? Are you there?

Julian, come in. It just started.

Come in! Close the door! Quietly!

How long have you been here?

Three days.

My God. Why?

Look.

You hear that? Three days without stopping.

Just to fuck with me.

Ask him to turn it off.

Are you crazy?

And see all his little friends having fun?

No way. He wants to show me he's more popular.

No, that's not true.

People love you, too.

You're the perfect couple.

Don't lie to me, Julian.

I'm not. Laurel and Hardy, for example.

You think people like Hardy more?

Of course not.

Abbot and Costello, Tom and Jerry, Nino and...

...and the asshole who slaps him around.

Look at this.

A fan letter.

He gets tons and I don't get shit. Read it.

" You make me laugh and give life meaning."

"Take me and free my indecency." She's crazy!

Crazy about him. But nothing about me at all.

I have one from a twin who wants to have his kid.

Where did you get all this?

-The trash. -Your trash?

Fuck no, his. He throws them away without even opening them.

You dig in his trash?

Sure. You can find out a lot about someone.

Trash defines you, it's who you are.

Now look. It's time for you to drop the trash thing.

You have to get out of here.

Get some air. You weren't like this before.

You were happy. An extrovert.

You liked women, and going out.

Yeah, I should have got married.

He'd hate that.

And children.

Little Brunos running around his garden.

He'd go fucking nuts.

Don't answer!

Why not?

It's him.

They hung up.

It's him. He calls to see if I'm home.

Now he knows I hear his music and his fucking.

You're really sick.

I have to watch him closely.

I know he's planning something.

-I'm going to talk to him. -Good idea.

See what he's up to before the new show starts.

-He trusts you. -Fine.

What's wrong?

The question is, can I trust you?

What are you saying?

Maybe he told you to spy on me.

I came because I'm worried about both of you.

-Stay out of that closet. -I promise.

-I'll turn down the music. -Don't tell him it bothers me.

Relax. I won't let on at all.

Hi, Mrs. Julia.

How's the new house?

You miss the village?

Excuse me.

Have you seen Nino?

I don't know. He's up in his room.

Nino!

Nino?

Nino!

It's you.

Nino, you have to stop.

Stop what?

Don't make this difficult.

He'll go crazy.

Crazy? Who?

Bruno.

Oh, the neighbour. Haven't seen him.

He must be out of town.

You know exactly where he is.

Watch that slimy paternal tone with me, eh?

You live off my 10 per cent.

-Yours and Bruno's! -We'll see about that.

What have I done? I'm in my own home. Can't l

have fun in my own home?

Excuse me, can we go home?

Carmen's been dancing 5 hours and collapsed.

No way! Keep dancing! When your shift's over!

All right. Sorry.

And tell Lola to go jump in the damn pool.

It's freezing, Nino.

Why the fuck am I paying you? Get naked in the pool!

And more laughing!

This sounds like a fucking funeral!

What were we talking about?

Having fun.

Right. This may look strange, but it's necessary.

I must defend myself.

Still upset about the slaps? It's been 10 years.

That's in the past. This is worse. It's demonic.

Bruno's trying to ruin me psychologically.

What do you mean?

Forget it. I don't know why I'm telling you.

You wouldn't understand.

Nino and Bruno cupcakes.

You want half?

I only eat half.

The rest makes me sick.

Are you going to tell me?

It's his damn indifference.

You're right. I don't understand.

It's very subtle.

He won't look at me when he slaps me.

I'm like an object.

Nino, that's not true.

You're wrong.

Bruno thinks only of himself.

I brought my mother here to be with me. And him?

He's an orphan.

That's no excuse. At least I'm trying.

I invite him to my parties.

And all I get from him is rejection.

Nino, listen to me. This isn't a party. This is absurd.

It only looks like a party.

He doesn't know that.

If he only came. Or called. I call him everyday.

You hang up without speaking.

He could at least answer me.

He should apologise.

My head hurts. I'm going to turn off the music.

No way! You think I like this crap? Fuck him.

Hey.

You're defending him. I note a bit of favouritism.

-Are you crazy? -No, no, no.

You've come to spy on me.

You're with him.

Get out of my house, Juli�n!

Smack it!

No, no. Look.

It's not your girlfriend.

It has to be funny. With humour.

Now.

You can go. Go home.

You've never done this before.

It has to be funny.

You can go, Pepe. Thanks.

I'd better go. Relax. I won't say anything.

You guys have to work this out yourselves.

Easy, Julian. You'll have a heart attack.

We're loaded. Thanks to me.

Juli�n... Juli�n... Juli�n.

Please, Juli�n. Come on.

When Bruno gets over his jealousy

everything will be like before.

-Don't touch me. -Come back soon.

And thanks for the gifts!

-I didn't give you anything. -That's all right.

My letters!

Die, you fucking pig!

Mommy!

Mother!

I can't believe it, Nino.

-I'm so sorry. -Thanks, Chicho.

-Nino. -Beatriz.

Anything you need.

Thanks.

I'm very sorry.

-I'm here for you. -Thanks, Moncho.

That's life, son. I'm sorry.

You don't know how sorry I am. I understand.

I know. Thanks, Josema.

-Thanks, Victor. -I'm sorry, Nino.

Nino.

A mother's a mother.

Don't cry, Bigote. Thanks.

It doesn't make sense.

Neither do you, Codesito.

Thank you.

Thanks, Don Lurio.

Poor thing. I couldn't even hear

her last words.

She never spoke to you.

We'd broken the ice. The other day she said...

"Go wash up."

That's a step forward.

I cried.

I talked to the TV people.

I'm returning the money they advanced us for the show.

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

I was saying the TV people want

to cancel the new contract.

What? Are you crazy?

Why?

Things aren't exactly...

Things are fine. We record on the 23rd.

But Nino, you just testified to the Grand Jury

that Bruno killed your mother.

I'm a professional. He can kill my mother,

but he can't make me quit!

What if he quits?

Then we nail his ass for breach of contract.

I can't prove he killed my mother.

But I can still force him to come

and slap me around whenever I want.

Fuck no! I need a rehearsal to position the cameras.

What's your problem?

Do you ask the players to rehearse before

a soccer game?

Cut the shit. Put your cameras wherever you want.

They're here!

Mr. Bruno's on the set! Lights!

Hi, Paquito. How's your wife?

-Cheating on me, as usual. -Give her a kiss for me.

Where's Nino?

When Nino's ready we'll begin.

Mr. Nino's on the set!

Hi, Nino. We're not rehearsing today,

so everyone get ready to roll.

I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry about your mom. It was an accident.

Control! You hear me?

We hear you, Nino.

Could someone tell this individual not to address me?

He can only use the script.

It's in the fucking contract!

I know, I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

All right, let's go. Five and action.

Who's that?

Put it on this screen.

Everybody freeze!

What was that?

" Hi everybody", I think.

Action.

Nice, seal. Good seal.

Come in!

Sit down.

You're here for the rabbit job.

What are your references? I know...

You're a little rich family bunny, right?

A cute pet that plays with the kids.

This is a tough job, you know?

We're dealing with hats here.

Well?

-I'll fucking kill you. -Shit!

The bunny speaks! It's the talking bunny!

-What a surprise! -You piece of shit!

What are you doing?

This isn't right.

Paquito!

From now on things will change.

Paquito!

Remember Visir?

You don't like animals, do you?

This isn't in the script. What now?

Everyone on the floor!

What is this? A movie?

No, it's the Congress. It's live!

Just what we needed!

If it weren't impossible, I'd say this is a coup d'�tat.

Look what you did to the fish!

You don't like animals?

Get me the news channel.

Mari Carmen, is this Congress thing for real?

But this doesn't make sense.

This is against history. We can't go backwards.

Sorry, sir. I don't understand politics.

They caught us by surprise.

We were just doing military service, and suddenly...

Shut up, Guti�rrez. It's nobody's business.

We stop all recordings and wait for orders.

That's our mission. Where's the plug?

It was an accident!

-Follow them! -Go, go, go.

And what if they called and said kill everyone?

Don't give them any ideas.

Shut up, sir. Nobody said anything about killing.

You gentlemen relax and there won't be any trouble.

Hey, look!

It's Nino and Bruno!

We'll stop them.

No, let them continue. I love them.

But Nino's the one whipping the other.

-Do we keep recording? -One and three are cut.

Hilarious! Leave it.

It's about time he kicked that guy's ass.

Pardon me, have you got any beer?

There's a vending machine in the hall.

All right, give us your money.

Loose change.

Come on.

I've been driving around in that tank all day long.

My God.

Life's like a lottery. Sometimes you win...

and sometimes you lose.

The coup d'�tat went nowhere, while

Nino and Bruno's new act became a hit.

Somehow we even won international awards.

It was time to quit.

For ten years, their shows were seen on TV programs

all over the world.

The Spanish team and their leader,

his Highness the Prince of Spain.

Next to him is Nino, who we all miss.

-What's his event, Matias? -Almost all of them.

The emotion is overwhelming.

The torch arrives,

held by this man,

Eric, who will pass it on.

There he is, Nino. A bastion,

the representative of our country's humanity

beyond our borders.

-Silence in the stadium. -Can he do it?

There's the arrow.

He did it! Nino has inaugurated the 1992 Olympic Games.

He's here! Here he comes.

They didn't see each other for ten years.

It seemed all the hate had finally faded.

But, as usual, I was wrong.

Hey, Nino! Over here!

I ordered oysters and some ham

for a snack.

And the extra plate?

Oh... I'm expecting

someone. Please. Sit down.

It's more money than you can imagine.

I can imagine a lot.

Let me explain.

It's him, right?

Yes. But don't worry.

He knows nothing. I had to explain

-to get him to come. -What's this about?

What's this? A telephone number?

It's your fee if you come back.

-Annually? -Per show.

For both of us.

Each. And I've already taken my cut.

Just like Bruno. Late as usual.

Julian!

There he is.

He looks like shit.

He had problems with the leg.

What leg?

You sliced his ankle, remember?

-Me? -You put it in the magic box

and, well... but that's all history now.

What matters is the 1992 New Year's Eve Special.

Hey, one moment! Where are you going?

Sorry I'm late, Juli�n. It was the bus.

There was a lot of traffic.

Relax, we just got here.

Eat something.

We were talking about the contract.

Wait one minute. I'm going to the bathroom.

He just got here and he has to pee?

He's sick. You know, because of the...

Dope?

All kinds.

Fucking drugs!

That stuff can kill!

He has no money left. He's spent it all.

He must have snorted a ton!

That's why I think the show's a good idea.

He could get back on his feet. Both of you.

What are you saying? Right now I'm " number one".

I'm " into the top". I'm the master. Don't you watch TV?

But you paid a lot to be in the Olympics.

Nobody knows that. Everything's going my way.

I'm the Spanish " Frank" Sinatra.

Easy, Frank.

So what do we do?

Well, if it's for him... what can I say?

-No. -What?

Never. Not for all the gold in the world.

Have you two eaten everything?

No, no. We were waiting for you.

So, what I told you about the show...

First, tell Nino something for me.

Tell this person that I'm not interested in what he has to say.

Nino has always been our nucleus.

He's by far the funnier of the two.

We shouldn't be paid the same.

I was thinking,

30 per cent for me and 70 for him would be more appropriate.

But if it wasn't meant to be...

I'd like you to give this to him.

I won't bother you anymore. I'm leaving.

Good-bye.

Bruno!

You're mine, motherfucker!

Did you call me?

Bruno. There's still some ham left.

We need to talk about the show.

Nino! Excuse me. You're Nino, right?

Eh... yes.

Can I have your autograph?

-Do you have any paper? -On my t-shirt.

Autographs are such a pain. Nowhere to hide.

That used to happen to me.

Juli�n!

What cuties!

-You too, honey? -Yes.

Don't get nervous, now. There.

Give me a call at the office sometime.

Good-bye.

You're so lucky!

You sit in the background and nobody bothers you.

It's great.

Come on, Robocop. Let's go.

Is this your bag?

No, that's mine.

And whose is this?

Mine. What's wrong?

Open it please.

We're in a hurry.

Come on, Nino. It's all right.

This won't take but a second. Let's see...

Here we are. Well, well.

Is this a joke?

Wow, man.

You TV guys are always up to something.

Very nice, yes sir. And what do we have here?

Let's have a look. Just as I imagined.

I swear I have nothing to do with this.

No doubt. I'll taste to be sure, but I think this is...

Nose candy. Yes sir.

You have to come with us.

It won't be long. Don't worry.

Guards, please.

Juli�n, do something. Hey, do you know who I am?

-Juli�n, do something! Shit! -What can I do?

Our friend the TV star had quite a stash.

Come on. Come here.

-Look me in the eye. -Are you crazy?

Tell me it wasn't you.

Why would I do such a thing?

It would take years to find that much stuff.

-Exactly ten years. -Listen.

I'm going to find a lawyer.

Juli�n. Listen. Juli�n!

Hi!

You want to sign, too? It's free.

Another time, gorgeous. See you later!

-Bye, Bruno. -Bye.

And take off those shirts, you'll get arrested!

I spoke

with the lawyer.

So? It was obviously a set-up, right?

But you claimed it was for consumption. A kilo is a lot.

Get me fucking bail. Everyone gets bail.

We're on it.

But they want to set an example.

An example? These asshole judges should

go over to Bruno the Antichrist's house

and burn it down with him inside.

That would be justice.

Calm down. I'm just as fucked as you are.

No, not quite.

I've got four suitors in there waiting to propose.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I understand. I know. But we need time.

Look on the bright side. The press didn't abuse it.

A special pull-out in the Sunday paper!

Nobody reads that.

Look at the TV section.

The New Year's Special,

but without my photo.

And the misprints. It says " Bruno and Tino".

"Tino"? What is that?

Yeah, "Tino".

What's wrong?

With me? Nothing.

Juli�n, you're hiding something.

It's no misprint.

What?

Bruno's doing a casting to find his "Tino".

He's called everyone. Even the Bullfighting Fireman.

He's replacing me with a dwarf.

I tried to stop him, but it's legal.

There's no patent for slapping.

He even convinced the TV station.

I'm in jail and he triumphs with the Bullfighting Fireman!

Please, Nino. Don't get carried away with this.

I'm fine. I'm fine...

It's this light. Someone turn it off.

I told him I'm out.

No way, Juli�n. You have to stay with him.

I could never...

Yes! Don't let that vermin out of your sight.

Stick to his shoe like a piece of gum.

Stop it!

-Sorry, Mr. Nino. -What do you want?

Your time's up.

Juli�n, don't let me down. Watch the Antichrist!

Let me go, bastards! I'm not an animal. I'm a human being!

-Don't touch Nino, you fuckers! -Assholes!

What's this for?

I don't know. My agent sent me.

It's for a substitution.

That guy's crying. Some people can't take it.

Being an artist can be a tough job.

Hello. Number 482. My name is Alfonso. I'm a singer...

Singer?

Come on, a singer?

No way.

Hello. I'm number 483.

My name is Jos� Manuel and I study drama...

No. I don't know.

I'm number 494. I'm an actor.

I was in the Kid's Circus, but now I'm bigger...

No, no, no.

481, my name is Eduardo G�mez.

I study the "Stainasky" method.

Stanislavsky? I like it.

No, his face is pathetic.

What? Who does the slapping around here? Me!

I say who stays and who goes.

You see? He's perfect. His face isn't pathetic.

Are you pathetic?

Well, I'm not exactly happy, but give me time...

He's made for the job. He won't annoy people.

-What's your name? -Me?

It doesn't matter. From now on you're Tino.

A round of applause.

You guys look like you're fucking asleep! Bravo, kid!

Nino.

Success is killing you.

You look good, too. Though I liked the tux better.

I've missed you so much.

You could have come to see us.

I didn't want to see you, just miss you.

I've quit magic. In the last town

they threw me from the bell tower tied to a goat.

So now, you see, I'm a labourer.

Taking doves out of a hat is out of style.

That's true.

Now people want spaceships, aliens...

and those fucking special effects will be the end of us!

And we ate all our doves.

Damn ecologists! You're here for eating doves?

No. We're not in jail, Nino.

We're building scaffolding

for the Christmas concert.

-Christmas concert? -What are you doing?

It sounds good.

We've got speakers that could blow up a house.

500,000 watts.

"Javi" metal. It's "Javi" metal.

Why the fuck do you need a small saxophone?

Yeah, I looked everywhere.

Look, I got a guitar and a piano,

but I couldn't get the saxophone.

You want me to go crazy?

Who cares if it was Charlie Rivel's.

Just worry about one thing. Tomorrow at seven

you have to be in make-up.

You and that Tino guy, or whatever his name is.

You and Tino tomorrow at seven in make-up.

I'll get the saxophone. I swear to God.

The riot began at the annual

Christmas concert at Carabanchel Prison.

I've got to hang up.

There were no

injuries, but objects were thrown into nearby streets.

Nevertheless, police sources confirm

at least one inmate managed to escape hidden inside of a speaker.

No, man. Shit! I told you.

Don't fucking close your eyes!

Sorry, Bruno. I can't help it.

Come on. Let's try again.

No... Don't worry. It's not your fault.

It's impossible without the right gear.

You're out of character without the saxophone.

We'll wait until tomorrow.

Relax. You're very tense.

Is something bothering you?

It's not so difficult.

I'm not asking you to do Hamlet.

Exactly the opposite.

Don't do anything. No expression.

Give me your nothing face.

You see? You do it wrong.

You're giving me your clown face.

Or... I don't know... your person face.

Try a plant face.

If you look scared it's not funny.

People pay to laugh, not feel guilty.

Let's see.

Watch Nino.

He takes it.

He's great.

Look at that absent stare. Total distance.

That expression. Beyond good and evil.

And he pouts.

That's fucking art.

Don't close your eyes!

Oh shit! He's crying!

This is comedy! Don't get all dramatic...

-Should I get that? -Don't move!

Hello?

Yes?

It's him!

Mr. Bruno, please. One question.

-Shut the fuck up! -One second, please.

I knew he'd be back.

But you didn't explain this to me.

-Is it part of the show? -Exactly. Part of the show.

I forgot my penholder.

Forget it. Stay put, you understand?

-But... -No buts and no crap!

Christ! The bathroom window!

Extra Casting Services? This is Angelito.

I'm calling to say I quit.

This comedy stuff isn't funny.

Get me out of here. I'm scared shitless.

Hello. How are you?

You must be little Tino. Why don't you come with me?

Get these shoes off.

The agency didn't mention a suitcase.

Improvisation, Tino. It's fundamental.

-Are you sure? -Of course.

Okay. Stop breathing.

Nino.

Tino... You want to play, eh?

This is no surprise.

I'm going to enjoy killing you.

Then I'll go do the show with that little clown.

He's much better than you.

You're trapped, Nino.

Where's that flabby body of yours? Under the bed?

Nino! Where are you taking me?

Mr. Nino.

Nino!

Why do you make this so difficult?

Nino.

I'm coming for you.

I can't breathe.

10 years waiting for this.

It's like singing the lottery numbers again.

Twenty four thousand, three hundred...

fifty six.

Two hundred million...

You hurt yourself, Bruno.

Yes, Mr. Judge. He was drunk, as usual.

He went to light the chimney,

and his piece of shit little girly robe

that he wore to feel important caught fire.

The keys! And fucking shut up!

Actually, sir, it was probably a suicide.

You know he was very unstable.

He was a loser and his luck ran out.

But, who really cares how that cockroach died, Mr. Judge?

-What are you doing? -Heating things up.

Burn my house, and yours burns too.

No, no. Remember? I live in prison!

I'm going to take out the trash.

Where are you going?

Good-bye, Bruno!

Thanks for ruining my life!

You wanted to replace me, eh?

Little Tino's very funny.

There's a joke you don't know.

The one about the Mandinga tribe.

Where they find a dwarf in a suitcase in the desert!

Get out. You'll stain the leather.

And if I don't?

You'll stain the leather.

What's going on?

Are you crazy?

I'm calling the police.

Get off my lawn or I'll shoot! This is our house!

Don't talk to him. He's dangerous.

That's it. Don't talk to me.

There's a hole in my foot and I'm nervous.

They're degenerate pigs, like everyone on TV.

Shut up, lady. Put your teeth back in.

Get out.

You'll kill me in front of all these people?

Are you shy?

I don't care. I'm stalling. The cops will be here any minute.

They'll throw you in jail. We'll be together again.

The show's at 7. The studio's half an hour away.

Forty minutes.

Get out of the car.

-What are you doing? -I'm out of here!

He's going to the studio!

And with that idiot!

Tino, are you all right? Knock a couple times.

Relax, man. Everything's fine.

Get some rest. Or go over your jokes.

Like I said. You need discipline.

Friends forever...

Looking for me?

Here I am.

He's shooting at me!

You want to play?

Fucking asshole!

It's okay. I'm all right.

Thank God. I thought it was too late.

Shit!

We'd better leave.

The police won't be long.

What do I tell the studio?

I can't believe it.

That man has been through hell!

Always thinking of yourself.

You put him in a suitcase!

I should have let those legionaries kill you.

There's still time.

I've spent my whole life fucking you over. I can't anymore.

Me neither.

Even Laura.

I fucked her just to piss you off.

I didn't even like her.

I was in love with her.

Are you fucking jealous of me?

Yes, I am. Yes!

But why?

You're smarter, better-looking,

and taller than me.

So?

What's the point? You're the greatest.

You're innately funny.

I don't even come close.

I'm nobody without you.

Knowing that makes me rot inside.

I never wanted to be funny.

I just wanted people to respect me.

Like they respect you.

I'm just a clown. A fucking clown!

And I can't take it anymore.

-They're here. -What do we do?

I don't know. I guess it's too late.

Come on. Let's go out in style.

Anything but here in the gutter.

This is pathetic.

Imagine the photo in the paper tomorrow.

Covered with mud, blood and shit...

Besides, without an audience...

Let's do it right. With class. It could be mythical.

We're the best, right?

Bruno...

and Nino.

You know the rest.

Nino and Bruno did their last show,

and people died laughing, one last time.

Juli�n, come on. Hurry up.

Say what you want,

but I think they're still breathing.

No, they're dead.

Make up your mind! Two lives are at stake.

Lay off, slick!

I can only do bandages.

You're supposed to be a doctor.

I'm only an objector.

What?

I didn't want to do my military service.

Do something. Anything!

Anything?

The only...

What?

The defibrillator.

What?

The defibrillator. It gives an electric charge.

Here. Come on.

Turn it up.

Easy, easy.

They could blame us for this.

Fuck!

How sad.

20 years and they're exactly the same.

Well, worse.

Doctor, tell me the truth.

Will they make it?

I don't know. They should be dead.

They're in critical condition.

But there's something, I don't know what...

An energy, a mysterious force keeping them alive.

-An energy? -Do you know what it could be?

Yes, I think so.

It's hard to explain.

DYING OF LAUGHTER