Original subtitles

of applause for our new Julie and Sybil show band.

Okay, well, you can catch Toby live weekdays at 3 on the Santa Monica Pier

Sundays after 2 in the parking lot of the La Brea Tar Pit.

Toby's other talents include painting with his feet and eating formica.

And yes, ladies, he's single.

Oh, that looks too easy. Audience, let's give him a challenge.

Oh, I want a goldfish.

One more, Toby?

Oh, oh.

Stay tuned. You don't want to miss what's next.

How does that a compound fracture?

Work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me how?

Boy, Julie's really jealous of you. You know, she offered me 60 bucks to slash

the tires on your car.

Then she found out I was your daughter.

Did you give the money back?

Nobody should be allowed to hire a relative on this show.

Julie, calm down. The last time you got this upset, you pulled out all your

eyelashes.

Charlie, I'm serious. No more relatives.

Dad, when you gave me this production assistant job, you didn't tell me people

were going to make me do stuff.

God.

Dad.

Now take those away and put them on the side of the freeway where they belong.

Yes, ma 'am.

What do you think you're doing, Marianne?

Redecorating. Just...

Wait, let's do something about Julie's hair.

What? Displace an entire family of bats?

Well, Julie is momentarily placated. I told her she had a big stack of fan mail

waiting for her. Now I just gotta get my daughter to crank out 50 letters in the

next 20 minutes.

Oh, Marianne!

This is Charlie Addison. Charlie Addison, this is my best friend Marianne

Thorpe. So this is Charlie Addison.

Who am I for an F? Absolutely nothing about every minute of every day for the

past two weeks.

Don't you have some furniture to judge?

So, I'll pick you up at seven, and we'll discuss next week's guests.

Yes, just as long as we're clear, this is not a date. Repeat, this is not a

date. Absolutely not. Our relationship is strictly professional.

Good. Good. You smell great.

Nice belt.

So that's kind of cute, kind of wild, Charlie.

Yeah. The man Mom pretends to hate but secretly lusts after.

Like we don't notice her licking her lips.

She's not licking her lips. She's sharpening her tongue.

Charlie's a great guy.

So why won't you date him? Because we work together. It'd be wrong.

You didn't think it was wrong to date that actor who gnawed off your foot in

Dead Shoe Diaries?

He didn't gnaw off my foot. It fell off because of a gypsy curse.

He just ate it.

Now, stop badgering me. As much as I'd like to date Charlie, I can't. Things

just going too well at work.

Sybil, please. You're allowed to have a good job and a good love life.

Yeah, I should be able to date Charlie without having to worry about something

else going wrong in my life.

Happiness and love doesn't mean I'm going to lose my job.

Maybe it just means when I get home, I'll find out I'm out of toilet paper.

Or ice cream.

Okay, you don't get to play this game anymore.

I won't believe it.

I won't.

I won't.

Do you think he finally realized that all the other waiters are wearing the

outfit?

Credit card rejected.

Huh.

I guess that's the one I use to bail out Luxembourg.

Try one of these.

I checked all your cards. They were all canceled.

My babies.

Cry me a river.

Where will I ever find another customer who will simply sign her name after I've

added my 50 % tip?

Now I'll never be able to build my dude ranch in Montana.

Don't panic.

Where's Marianne's card? I'm sure there has to be some kind of mistake.

The credit card company told me not to give it back. They said I had to cut it

in half.

Please let this be a dream.

Wake up, waiter.

Wake up.

Oh, relax, relax.

He didn't cut my card in half.

How do you know? Because I would have felt it here.

She's right.

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I gave it to the maitre d'.

It's Chanel.

What happened?

We just came from a meeting with her business manager. She's B -R -O -K -E.

Oh, my God. She's illiterate?

bed practice.

She was exactly like this the day they put Ray on on the market.

I know, I know, honey. It still burns, doesn't it?

Hi, honey.

Sibyl, I came as fast as I could.

What happened?

Mary Ann's business manager was bribed by Dr. Dick.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Dr. Dick.

And then Mary Ann's business manager tricked her into signing a form where

gives Dr.

Dick power of attorney.

You used to be a lawyer and she wants to know if he can do that.

He can do that.

Hoo boy.

Yes, he can.

Well,

what did he buy?

Leg warmers or us?

Raw pork on a stick?

What are cowkins?

Apparently, it's...

Part chicken, part cow. Basically, it's a dog with feathers, only you can milk

it.

All she has left is the house.

And the mortgage payments.

Marianne, this is horrible. Can I get you some aspirin?

Can I get you a blanket?

How about a martini?

Make it a double.

I'm sorry, Miriam.

If you need any help with, you know, packing... Ira!

Goodbye.

Don't you panic, honey. I've got a full -time job now. I can help you out.

Oh, God.

You can finally pay me back for all those lunches I paid for.

That'll be $257 ,000.

Maybe you could, you know, just kind of sell a lot of these things you're not

going to need anymore, like your jewelry and works of art.

I bet you could probably get a pretty penny for your shark tank.

I can't listen to this anymore. I've got to get out of here.

There is only one thing, one thing that is going to help me through this.

I have got to shop.

You're right.

I can't go shopping anymore.

Come on now, listen.

You can come over here and stay a few days. I'll take care of you. Oh, thank

you, darling. You're such a good friend.

By the way, do you still have cotton sheets?

Yes.

Well, if she was my mother, I guess I'd be drinking this early, too.

Charlie,

as much as I'd love to stay and chat, I have to go upstairs and sand down all

the sharp corners.

We've had kind of an emergency.

I'm really sorry. I'm not going to be able to go on our meeting.

Where's the little slip I fill out for breakfast?

See, that's my friend. She's not well.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Is there anything I can do?

No, thanks.

Listen, though, you know, we were going to go out to dinner, have a little wine.

We would have started out talking about business, but then we would have just

ended up staring into each other's eyes.

Letting our fingertips touch ever so casually as we reached for the

And then we would have had to admit that we're attractive to each other.

Oh, I had a wonderful time.

Me too.

Oh, yeah.

I'd really like to ask you to stay, but, you know, my friend needs me and

everything.

Yeah, that's okay. I understand.

almost made me forget there really was something I needed to tell you.

Oh, Sybil, I'm sorry. I did everything that I could, but the station is

canceling our talk show.

40 feet tall.

It has huge hairy antennae and is destroying everything in its path.

Great. The giant fingers came back again.

Honestly, I am so angry at Dick this time. Even the thought of blowing up his

new motorcycle that he paid for with my money doesn't fill me with the customary

glee.

Apparently, I underestimated the glee.

Blow up that ridiculous new boat that's sitting in his driveway.

No! It's not going to bring my job back.

Oh, Sybil, come on. You have a new relationship with an exciting man, two

beautiful daughters, and a house that's worth twice what you paid for it.

Whereas I barely have the cash for the enchilada combo at Del Taco.

Oh, congratulations.

You win the crappy life contest.

Maybe this is a challenge from the universe.

Maybe the universe is trying to teach you that you have to learn that

possessions don't mean anything.

Sybil, you gave the same speech to Gary Coleman on Touched by an Angel.

Well, he put the gun down, didn't he?

I suppose this means I'm going to have to re -enter the workforce.

But what can I do?

What skills do I have?

I pretend our gun in the plastic. That's what gives that fireball its

interesting green hue.

Marianne, you have skills.

Oh, what?

Dialing a cell phone, shopping.

What I said was put the booster charge under the satellite dish. That's what

gives it that lift.

I just wish you'd stop putting yourself down.

You are such a good friend.

Here.

Blow up his Porsche.

I insist.

No. Oh, go ahead.

I mean, look at it.

Such an eyesore.

You're right. You know what we call that back home? Big old driveway penis.

That was quick.

Big surprise.

Okay, welcome back.

Well, this is our last show, and there's some people who need to be thanked,

darn it.

The people you don't see.

The people on the other side of the camera who, well, they make us look good

week after week.

Yeah, you know, the people we're going to go out and get drunk with after the

show.

I'd like to say a special thank you to a very special guy.

He's almost like a brother to me, our cameraman, Jamie.

It's Vern.

What happened to Jamie?

There is no Jamie.

There's an Amy in props.

I thought that was Sherry. No, there's a Terry in craft services.

Oh, who cares?

More than me.

Speaking of arts and crafts, Sybil, I made you a little farewell gift.

Uh -oh.

It's a picture I made out of bird seed.

Oh, it's so cute.

It's an armadillo.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah. I thought you'd like a little memento of our time together.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.

Now I just have to get a parakeet, so I'll have someone to share it with.

Well, I have a little something for you.

It's a bag of old shoes.

I was going to send them to the Goodwill, but then I thought, you know,

remembered how much you love to decorate them and make planners and gravy boats

and stuff.

You gave me your old shoes?

The show's ending doesn't mean I'm dead. I'll be back.

Meanwhile, uh... Why don't I introduce you to my very best friend, Marianne

Thorpe?

I'm not prepared. I look a mess. What would I say? What would I do?

Well, you could start with telling... Watch the shadows and shoot me from the

left. Zoe!

because I have something to say to this woman.

Sybil, you have always been there for me.

When my ex -husband was unfaithful with the night nurse, you were there for me.

When he cheated with the x -ray technician, you were my rock.

When he slam -dunked that Laker girl after telling me it was at a seminar.

teaching third -world physicians how to perform liposuction using only a sponge,

a shrimp fork, and a straw.

Oh, what a fool I was. I mean, think, Marianne, think. They don't have shrimp

appetizers at a coffee plantation.

I was blind, blocked.

Anyway, thank you, Sybil.

Any of you watching would like to contribute to the Marianne Thorpe Relief

Remember, your donation of a duvet cover, crystal bowl, or chauffeur.

Bye.

Marianne, that was shameless.

You should have asked for cash.

Excuse me, but I'm looking for Marianne Thorpe.

to offer a high -paying and prestigious position in the government of my

country, leading a holy war against the infidels to the south.

Oh, Mary Ann, I meant to tell you I faxed your resume to Soldier Fortune

magazine.

Good thinking, darling. Tell me, is there a Tiffany's in your backward but

-meaning country?

Okay, honey, bye -bye. Bye.

Well, I am no longer Marianne. From now on, my name is Kalamara Kina.

I have no idea what it means, but it comes with a tiara.

Sybil Sheridan, Marianne Thorpe.

Hi. Which foreign government do you work for?

You're under arrest for murder.

Murder?

we murder?

Dr. Richard Thorpe. He was in a certain Chris Craft last night when he was blown

up. Did he say Chris Craft?

She's my dental hygienist.

Let's go, lady.

Oh, come on. This is impossible.

I made sure he wasn't home when I blew up that boat.

Uh, doesn't she have the right to remain silent?