Original subtitles

Welcome back to Home Shop -O -Rama. Our next item is the amazing miracle chain.

It's a necklace.

Wait. It's a bracelet.

It's a miracle.

Look how quickly you can change it from a bracelet to a necklace.

Ew.

Dippy.

Our next item is the amazing miracle wig.

It's a wig. It's a duster.

It's a miracle.

I thought that no real gold doesn't smell like yogurt.

Ah, look.

The amazing miracle stain.

Shut up.

Then why are you here? You're supposed to be taking my niece for coffee. I

but it's Claire's first visit and she really wanted to watch you act.

This isn't acting.

It's photosynthesis.

That lady with the green neck. She's my aunt.

We never knew each other until last month when she found out that she had a

-lost brother that her mother gave up for adoption who turned out to be my

father who died two years ago.

Okay, remember on Dynasty when Adam just, like, showed up?

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Look at Claire. She's so excited to be here.

And Sybil, those guys over there, they don't believe I'm related to a real

Hollywood star. Could you stand next to me and wave at them?

Act like you know me.

It's the amazing Miracle D.

Loving one who loves you and them taking that vow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it.

That's my daughter, Rachel, with Grumpy.

Rachel's the one on the left.

It's so weird looking at all of these strangers and then realizing, oh, my

we're related to each other.

I feel the same way whenever I go back home to Buffalo.

Who's this?

That's Rachel's dad, my first husband, Jeff.

We were married very young.

He was a stuntman. I was a struggling actress. We practically lived on

Helper. Then a few years later, I found out he was practically living on a lap

dancer named Destiny.

What happened to his head?

He lost it in the divorce.

Oh, you remind me so much of my dad.

You have the same laugh and the same mannerisms.

Did your father also have webbed toes?

I told you that in confidence.

Besides, it's only between the little piggy who had roast beef and the little

piggy who had none.

Come on, I want to see more pictures of my brother. Okay.

Um, this one's my favorite.

Oh, he has my mother's smile.

Of course, she never would smile for a camera.

Why not?

She always said, a real lady doesn't give that away.

Of course, if you don't give any away, chances are you ain't gonna get any.

No wonder she never smiled.

I'm hungry. Is anybody else hungry? I am.

But then again, I can just about always eat.

Well, we can cancel the DNA test.

Should I get that?

Of course I should.

You must be Claire. I'm Ira. I know.

You're the other ex -husband.

The one with the head.

I see my reputation precedes me.

I know all about you.

You are a writer. You love basketball. You're a little neurotic, and you hate

when your vegetables touch your meat.

I'm not neurotic.

And who wants the edge of their steak tasting like squash?

And yet, he'll mix stripes and plaid like there's no tomorrow.

Don't start.

I've had a rough day.

Zoe called me from work an hour ago. Her car broke down again.

So I drove down to the Busy Bee Burger, popped open the hood, fiddled with a few

wires, started a small fire and called AAA.

I used to work at a Busy Bee Burger.

Yeah, first time I ever had sex was at a Busy Bee Burger.

That was too much too soon, wasn't it?

Well, Zoe was just playing piano at their grand opening.

So I guess she's not quite as busy a bee as you were.

Where is Zoe?

It takes her a while to get out of the car.

Zoe?

Oh, my God.

There is no God.

My cousin is the Busy Bee Burger Bee.

Here.

Claire, squeeze in a little.

Zoe, straighten up your thorax.

This will be sure to make it into the Bakersfield Courier.

No!

Man, I hope she doesn't hit a windshield.

Claire, you like salsa?

Are you kidding? I put it on my pancake.

If you didn't step back, you could lose a finger.

Hi. Sib, look at this.

You and me in Hawaii.

Yeah.

Remember, we were learning how to surf, and we thought we were doing so great

because everybody kept yelling, Mele Kamulikai!

That's so cute. What does it mean? Grab your camera. The tall blonde lost her

top.

You know, I still get postcards from that lifeguard.

So, Sib, got any plans tonight?

Oh, yeah. We're going to take Claire out. to some tragically hip L .A.

nightclub. You know, one of those places with no address, no sign, filled with

young actors who refuse to bathe.

Fortunately, I have a very large tub.

Ira, you want to come with us? No, thanks.

Last time I went to one of those places, Charlie Sheen tried to buy my date.

Nice meeting you, Claire.

You too.

Wow, you guys seem to get along really well.

Yeah, now, once we got past that silly till -death -do -its -part crap.

Yeah, Sybil, you're the greatest. You know, so many people just never get past

the divorce. They just stay bitter and twisted for the rest of their lives.

You know what I mean?

I believe one should definitely stay close to one's ex.

That way one is sure to get off a clean shot.

That is so true.

Do you remember the time you stood a little bit too far away and you

accidentally blew up that Pinto?

Of course, the main thing to remember, Claire,

is that any relationship with your ex is going to take work.

Like every year, Ira takes me out on my birthday.

And I do the same for him on his birthday, which is the 23rd of this

which is...

Today!

I never forget Dr.

Dick's birthday.

Well, that's only because you get yearly reminder cards from Dwayne's Discount

Ammo.

Ira, it's not all my fault. You could have reminded me it was your birthday.

Well, I feel terrible. At least let me take you out to dinner.

You can sit there and sulk, and I can silently resent you.

It'll be like the last three months of our marriage.

Fine. Happy birthday.

He says he's invited a bunch of his friends over to hang out, like his

birthday's all about him.

Selfish bastard.

Yeah, well, I don't believe him.

I just think he's too proud to admit he's home alone moping.

Well, I'm not going to feel guilty.

I'm going to send him some pizzas, some Cuban cigars, an ice cream cake, and

some champagne, and I'm washing my hands of the whole damn thing.

Rossi's okay, but if you really want to be ultra -hip, we should go to the Viper

Room. The Viper Room?

Well, we don't have anything like that in Bakersfield.

Well, now, wait. We do have that one church where they pass around snakes and

speak in tongues.

You're not kidding, are you?

Zoe! Zoe, Zoe!

We screwed up.

We forgot your father's birthday.

I didn't forget it. You didn't?

And why not?

Because he's my father and I love him.

Did you ever stop to think about how this would make me look?

Well, I just gave him a sweater.

Oh, and I played a song I wrote for him at the BBB opening. And I had the fry

cook sing My Way to him.

You know, someday you're going to have a daughter who forgets to remind you of

your ex -husband's birthday, then see how you feel.

Now, how am I going to make this up to him?

Hey, we could always mix together a thermos of wine spritzers and take him

play goofy golf.

Or we could hold a pillow over my face until I stop struggling.

Claire, that's just Marianne's way of saying, good idea, but let's kick it

around a little.

Okay, we need to think of something Dad would really like.

I know.

We could go to an early dinner and then head for George Ed's Clingers for herbal

wraps and facial.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing says Ira like a good exfoliation.

Are we still on Ira? Good God, how long does his birthday last?

Mom, when you turned 40, you made that stripper work two days.

Hey, we could take Ira bowling.

Help me.

But Dad does like sports.

Hey, let's kidnap him and take him to a Lakers game.

What? Well, we can't let him just sit home alone on his birthday.

Yeah, but why do we have to kidnap him? Because otherwise he might just come

along willy -nilly.

Where's the fun in that?

Flashlight? Check.

Duct tape?

Check.

Blindfold? Check.

Do we have to blindfold him?

Zoe, just because he's your father doesn't mean I can relax my standards.

I love this outfit. I feel just like Batgirl.

Listen.

If you get arrested, you're a mute from Portugal.

Oh, it's the mute from Portugal.

No, what's this?

Oh, flamethrower. My own design.

You never saw it.

All right. Here. If it'll make you feel better, you can play with this sock full

of nickels.

Cool.

I still couldn't find a picture of my mama smiling, but I did find a great

picture of your Aunt Daisy at the state fair.

What is she... That's a can of peaches.

That woman can open anything with her teeth.

Okay, let's review our plan of attack.

Zoe? I am through the porch light plunging the strike zone into darkness.

Okay. I ring the doorbell. When Ira opens the door, I dag him with his own

Claire? I spring out of the azaleas with a bag and throw it over his head.

No! Oh, come on. Let her do it. She's company.

No, I mean, Claire, come look at this.

Pin up the picture of me on a movie set in Bakersfield, and look who I'm with.

My father?

My brother.

Well, it's not that big of a coincidence. I mean, our family diner

all the movies that came there.

Yeah, but I don't even remember taking this picture, which is really strange,

because, after all, he is serving food.

giving you the thumbs up.

I can't believe that I can't remember when this picture was taken.

Do you remember the movie?

Oh, yeah. It was pretty good, actually.

I played an East Coast heiress who was married to Larry Storch.

And Ruth Budde was an Amit Hathor.

And Gary Coleman... Wait a minute.

That movie was crap.

I thought the musical numbers were good.

What are the odds? I mean, I was standing face to face with my real

I had no idea it was him.

I mean, it's like some kind of a Greek tragedy.

Yeah, except nobody blinds themselves or eats their children, and it's set in

Bakersfield.

Trust me, if the Greeks had known about Bakersfield, they'd have set all their

tragedies there.

I'll tell you it's a tragedy.

And I can't remember my own brother, but I do remember Ruth Buzzy churning

butter.

Okay, you're here.

This is so much fun.

Do you guys do stuff like this all the time? They do. I prefer looting.

Zoe, don't tell her that. She'll think I'm a terrible mother.

Now, make sure you have your stun gun, honey.

Now, before we go in, I just want to say that this is the finest bunch of

recruits I've ever had the privilege to work with.

Hey, don't go off on me now, sister.

You're right.

Okay, everybody.

Go to the bathroom.

Yeah, well, he should have thought of that before he left the house.

Turn in the bathroom when you're sleeping with the fishes.

Oh, crap.

We got heat, ladies.

What does that mean?

Police car behind us.

Okay, put it on ice.

What does that mean?

Keep calm. Don't panic.

Buckle up. We're going to shake them.

What does that mean?

I'm sorry,

I'm his publisher.

Please don't hurt me.

We kidnapped the wrong guy.

You told me not to when somebody said they had a sock full of nickels.

Oh, my God.

We're going to go to prison.

Prison. Okay, Zoe,

if anybody in the cell block asks, we're a couple.

Somebody slap her.

Claire, it's going to be okay.

We'll just tell the officer the truth.

That it was dark and we accidentally grabbed the wrong person.

Put a bag over his head and shoved him into a car and threatened him with

harm.

Anybody else? We're a couple.

We got pulled over because Marion's taillight was out. We're just lucky that

was a basketball fan or we'd be in jail.

Had to give him your Lakers ticket.

I had Lakers ticket?

Court side.

What, a night in jail would have killed you?

I can't believe this. You come to my house, you kidnap my guests.

supposed to be you. And what kind of host are you anyway letting your guest

answer the front door?

Oh, so now it's my fault?

Oh, you don't apologize to me. Apologize to Eddie.

It's okay. It turns out that Marianne here has got a great idea for a book. I

call it The Ex -Wife's Guide to Healing.

See, I see it as a mixture of diet, daily affirmations, and paramilitary

training.

Dynamite. Chapter three.

Ira, I'm so sorry about all this.

I just feel terrible about forgetting your birthday.

How many times do I have to tell you? It's no big deal.

Yes, it is. You're not just some guy that I used to be married to. You're one

my best friends.

And if you don't get angry about this, I'll have to get angry at myself.

So if you love me, you'll lay it on me now!

All right, I'm mad at you for forgetting my birthday.

Well, I didn't do it on purpose, so back off!

Feel better?

Yeah, thanks.

Ira, happy birthday.

Thank you.

You know, We all forget things. In fact, when we were married, Francis Ford

Coppola called you once and I forgot to tell you about it.

Ha, ha, very funny.

You're kidding, right?

Say you're kidding.

All righty. I'll see your buck and

I'll raise you.

What, you've never seen a slot full of nickels before?

Well, how do you like them pickles?

Don't you mean apples?

It's just something my dad used to say.

How do you like them pickles?

Pickles? You put whipped cream in your iced tea. I do that, too.

Ever try it on french fries?

No. Don't. It's really gross.

Here. Try this guacamole.

It's my great -aunt Lucy's secret recipe.

She whispered the ingredients to me on her deathbed.

Mmm.

Horseradish. Mm -hmm.

Lima beans. Oh, yeah. Shout it out to the world.

Well, honey, you're just the Wolfgang Puck of Bakersfield.

If you really like this guacamole, I can send a gallon home with you. Can you

freeze it?

Freeze it? Hell, you can wallpaper with it.

Well, you're not just the Wolfgang Puck of Bakersfield. You're the Bob Vila of

Bakersfield.

Wardrobe needs a shot of you in costume.

Okay, go ahead.

Flashing.

I bet three M &M's.

Shouldn't we go? Dad's been in bed for two hours already.

Yeah, yeah, excuses give me a rash. Bet your hand.

I'll see your M &M's and raise you four Doritos.

Little lady says she's got the full boat.

I'll see your snack food and raise you $15 ,000.

Hold it. Marianne, you can't keep doing that.

Why not? I'm winning, aren't I?

Yes, may I speak to Francis Coppola, please?

Well, just tell him Sybil Sheridan returned his call.

I made some guacamole. Tell me what you think.

Hey, I thought my dad was the only one that put lima beans in his guacamole.

How do you like them pickles?

You remembered him.

I finally did.

He was so nice.

I'm really sorry I didn't get the chance to know him.

He really would have liked you a lot.

Three M &Ms, four Doritos, and $15 ,000.

Okay, I'm in. I bet... Iris' house.

What do you got?

Four queens.

A pair of five.

Well, it's not my house.