Original subtitles

We will return to our classic horror movie marathon in a moment. But first,

here's Sybil Sheridan.

This is a plain donut.

Where's the one with the sprinkles?

I threw it away. It had a bite taken out of it.

That was my bite. I can't believe you don't know my bite by now.

And I can't believe you would take a bite out of a donut and put it back.

Well, I was in a hurry, and it was the last one, and Ira was looking at it.

Sybil, you're on.

You've been on.

Hi.

We hope you're enjoying our nonstop classic horror movie marathon. It's all

of our Halloween... Festival of Fear.

You know, it's this kind of...

That makes KLET your arts and education television station.

And it's donors like you that keep this station alive.

So call right now and pledge your support.

And get a free disc membership card.

For a pledge of $25.

Get this nifty K -L -E -T T -shirt.

She knew I wanted a sprinkle donut. That's why she took a bite out of it.

I would give it up.

It's my 40th birthday cake all over again.

This handheld color television for a donation of just $5.

Now make that pledge today.

Now, back to the movie.

And we're clear.

I thought that was pretty good.

Yeah, except you get the TV for $500.

Not $5.

I said five?

Five.

Oh, no.

But you see, I had this allergy in my eyes, and I couldn't wear my contacts,

I didn't want to wear my glasses because I didn't go with this outfit, and I

couldn't see the teleprompter very well. And besides, no one's going to believe

you can really get a television for $5.

Work if you can get it, and if you get it, won't you tell me how?

She did not say five dollars.

Did not.

Prove it.

Please, you're at home on Halloween videotaping a pledge drive?

Tell me, how does one dress up as a loser?

I'm fired and I'm working for free. I'm not really fired, right?

Just humiliated?

Sybil, stop!

A day from now, everyone here will have forgotten this moment.

Those of us who love you will have to live with the shame for the rest of our

lives.

How's my lipstick?

You chewed it off.

Time for a touch -up, Glinda.

Okay, Mrs.

Frankenstein.

Want some gum while I'm in here?

Thank you.

Ah! My son is wearing a cotton tie. He's dressed as a normal person.

Ah!

What are you doing in there?

Nothing.

Once again, I'm having orphan envy.

Well, don't get used to this.

I'm on my way to the Clean Planet Expo.

Giving a speech on nuclear waste called, Mommy, why does the baby have gills?

Disgusting.

Nevertheless, I am so proud of you.

What is this fabric?

A blend?

Baby steps, Marianne. Baby steps.

Well, I got a two -hour drive, so I better take off before the really psycho

hitchhikers are taken.

See ya. Yeah, bye.

Whoa.

Look at them. No hug, no kiss goodbye.

They treat each other with total indifference.

It's like they're already married.

Don't get too excited, okay?

Stop pushing so hard. I'm not pushing.

They were watching television last night and you threw rice at them.

To them.

I threw rice to them.

He says he will donate $10 ,000, but only if he can speak with you.

$10 ,000 just to talk to me?

Probably some pervert who wants me to participate in his deviant fantasy.

Be right there!

That's odd.

He knew her name.

And who would recognize her in that costume?

Put Marianne on.

I'm only going to say this once, Dick. So you may want to climb off your night

nurse and pay attention.

Leave Marianne alone.

I will get her back, Sybil.

Laugh.

Just do it.

Did you hear that? That's what she thinks of you. So stay away from her,

blood -sucking, sadistic, two -timing bastard.

She'll be happy to take your pledge.

You know, that wasn't necessary.

I could have handled him myself, you know.

Could not. Could to.

Could not. Could to. Could not!

You're right.

You're welcome.

Sybil, I think they want you on camera again.

Already?

Well, this time I'm wearing my glasses.

I'm not taking a chance with that teleprompter again.

You don't need your glasses. Just wing it. It's not like this is the first time

you've been on TV.

Live TV, Ira.

I'm cursed.

Remember the time I was cooking that gumbo on the morning show and I lost a

filling in it?

One mistake is not a curse.

And the time I was singing the national anthem of the Lakers game and I forgot

the words so I broke into Freebird?

And then I forgot the words to Freebird?

Sybil, you're going to be fine. This is a cause you believe in. So forget about

the teleprompter and just speak from your heart.

I don't know. That makes me even more nervous.

Sybil, what are you so worried about?

Think of all the ways KLET enriches your life.

It educates. It enlightens. It entertains. This station has given us so

it's time we gave something back.

You're right. I can do it. I must do it.

That was inspired.

Thanks. I was reading off the teleprompter.

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you on this KLET pledge night, not as a

spokeswoman, but as a viewer like you.

who depends on arts and education television to enrich my life.

And it's not just my life.

This is my daughter, Zoe, who grew up watching KLET.

It's bright, cultured, and informed young people like this who are the

our great nation.

So pick up that phone and dial 555 -0103 right away.

We're counting on you.

Now, back to the movie.

Wasn't that great?

Come on, it was great.

Mother, you just gave them our home phone number.

No, I didn't.

Our number is 555010... Crap!

Here, Mother, I brought you some tea because I knew you must be feeling bad

after you dragged me on television and gave every nutcase in L .A. my home

number.

Oh, honey, but... Sweet, thank you.

Should I worry what's in this?

Lucky.

Well, finally.

I mean, thank you.

I just saw a seven -foot duck in the men's room.

What's that about?

Oh, that must be Big Duck from Happy Kids Corner. Justin was obsessed with

in preschool.

So was Zoe. Remember the alphabet song?

but the Star -Spangled Banner just goes out of my head.

What?

Nothing, darling.

Let freedom ding.

Oh, no.

I just realized why Big Duck is here. Big Duck is here? Are you kidding?

Where? He was headed toward the commissary. Oh, my God! Why didn't

me? I can't breathe.

Ira, did he say anything in the bathroom?

Sybil, there's an unwritten rule. You don't talk to another man when you're

standing at a urinal.

Especially if he quacks.

Stupid bird is here to replace me if I screw up again. That's what happened to

Loretta Swit last year.

All she did was make a couple of long -distance calls on the pledge phone, and

boom! Loretta's out, and that big yellow freak is in.

Ow. Ow.

What's wrong?

I got a crick in my neck.

Ira, rub my shoulders like you used to. Uh, Sybil, we're not married anymore.

Well, I mean, if we're not going to have sex.

I knew it. That's the only reason you ever rub my shoulders.

Yeah, so?

So, you better start rubbing my shoulders right now or I'm taking back

sex we ever had.

Just pretend that makes sense and rub.

And then you were supposed to be at my birthday party when I was eight years

old, but you couldn't make it because they said you were busy, and I just

and cried.

That is so great, but whoa, would you look at the time.

Gotta fly.

Fly.

Oh, my God, I'm still in shock. I can't believe I just met Big Duck. You.

I used to be his number one fan.

Excuse me? Did you own the big duck lunchbox, the feathered blankie, the web

-throated jammies, and the quacking tricycle horn?

Oh, yeah.

I had it all.

Yeah, but do you still use them?

Okay, you have a problem.

So, can I buy you a cup of blood?

I'm good, thanks.

Zach Samuel.

Zoe Woodbine.

Hey, wow, both our names start with the letter C.

It's a big duck Z song.

Z is for zebra. Z is for zoo.

Z is for xylophone. No, that's X.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm trying to find some not -too -obvious way of finding out if

you're seeing anybody.

Guess it's too late for that, huh?

Guess so.

Actually, I'm not seeing anybody exclusively.

Excuse me.

Does Justin know about this?

Who's Justin?

Her boyfriend.

I'm his mother.

My, what an uncomfortable moment for you.

Okay.

Catch you later.

I can't believe you just did that. And I can't believe you would cheat on my

son. Marianne, Justin and I have decided to... See other people.

He was going to tell you about it when he got back from his conference.

You broke up?

No.

We just both felt like it was moving too fast, you know?

Started out as a nice, casual relationship, and now you've got us

engaged. Me?

You're saying I'm the problem?

I'm saying you're the one who brought Justin to see me as soon as he got back

into town.

And you're the one who suggested he move into the apartment above our garage.

He needed his own space.

You have ten bedrooms.

Be fair.

I use four of them as closets.

Come on, am I wrong?

Really?

Okay, fine, you're right.

You know, his trust fund kicks in next year.

I know, it's like a spasm I can't control.

Does Justin feel the same way?

Yeah, he does.

My mother's okay with it. Your mother knows about this?

And she didn't tell me?

Would you excuse me?

Come on, Sybil. My fingers are cramping up. Shut up, Ira.

I'm visualizing my serenity.

Okay, it's a beautiful day. I'm lying in a hammock. There's a cool breeze.

On the table next to me is a big old bowl of turnip greens with fried

Next to that, the big old bowl of pickled pig's feet.

Two minutes, Sybil.

But there was going to be pie.

Ira, that was great.

I feel calm and cool and mellow.

for me and you know I'm gonna

to our classic horror movie marathon in a moment.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Don't duck your responsibility.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. To Arts and Education Television. Come on. Call in

donation right now.

We'll be right back.

Oh, we're mad at Marianne. I thought we were mad at the duck.

Ira, you don't need to understand. You just did not, okay?

Okay.

Justin and Zoe are seeing other people.

But it wouldn't have been such a big deal if Justin had just told Marianne

before he left. Then everybody would have known.

Zoe and Justin are seeing other people.

See? Even you knew.

Oh, man, that's it.

I'd take back every shoulder rub I ever gave you.

Thank you for calling KLET.

May I take your pledge?

Yeah, yeah, everybody loves the duck.

All right, I'm sorry.

I never should have fought with you when you were on the air.

It's because of me that you're having to answer phones.

Oh, Marianne, it's okay.

No, it's not.

They never made Loretta Swit answer phones.

That's okay.

They didn't.

I was just upset because I know Zoe's right.

Part of the reason that I wanted Justin to move in over your garage was so he

would get closer to Zoe.

Somehow I imagined that she might keep him in town.

God knows I can't.

and I just can't bear the thought of losing him again.

You know, this is beginning to annoy me.

Give yourself some credit, Marianne. You're not going to lose Justin.

And they're not breaking up. They're just slowing down.

Do you mind? I'm trying to talk to my friend.

And that's just another one of our dedicated volunteers standing by to take

place.

I wanted this evening to go so well.

I wanted to make up for all those years I never sent in any money.

Now I'm never going to get a chance to redeem myself.

Don't be so sure.

Kelly T., may I take your pledge?

Yes, if you dump the duck and bring Sheridan back, I will pledge $15 ,000.

Oh, baby, could you just hang on for a second, please?

Here's a question.

Hey, who's your best friend?

Aw.

Okay, which do you want, 3 ,000 tote bags or 10 ,000 T -shirts?

Marianne,

darling,

it's Dick.

I'm sorry to sneak up like this, but I saw you fighting with Sybil on TV.

I know how much she means to you.

Is there any way I can help?

Yeah.

Smear some honey on your butt and sit on an anthill.

Sybil, how did you know I'd come here?

It's Halloween. All the creeps are out.

I want her back.

Why? Because I love her.

No, really, why?

Sybil, why don't you just get out of the way?

Listen, dick.

Marianne doesn't want to see you. Why do you think I'm here?

I know why. Because your own life is so empty, you need to fill it by living

other people's lives for them.

Oh, no.

The person I hate most in the whole world doesn't like me.

Ooh -hoo.

Sybil, let me ask you something.

Are you absolutely sure Marianne has no feelings for me?

Excuse me, I didn't hear that.

You were never right for her, and you never will be.

Why don't we just let her tell me that?

Well, I'm sorry, but she can't talk right now.

Oh, for the love of God, will you type one cough up some cash?

Believe me, Sybil, I'll get her back someday.

If I have to go over you, around you, or through you.

I'll get her back.

pledge drive and i want to thank you our viewers for helping us raise more money

than we ever have before our volunteers are still standing by

pledge

me now we're

out of t -shirts and tote bags but if you call right now we still have a

supply of chaos