Original subtitles

You seemed so down when you came home from school. I made you some hot cocoa.

I even put in those little marshmallows, just the way you like it. Oh, yay!

Mom, these are the marshmallows from Lucky Charms.

Sorry, honey, but someone used all the regular marshmallows, remember?

Oh, that's right.

I made an igloo for my science project.

She's smart.

She's sassy.

She's Steffi. Stay tuned for the premiere of Steffi's World.

Next. Also starring Sybil Sheridan as Steffi's mother.

She's bland.

She's forgettable.

She's lobotomy mom.

Oh, this was a mistake. I hate people watching me on TV.

Of course, darling. That's why you became an actress.

I mean, I hate people watching me watch myself on TV.

I'll be in the living room. Enjoy the show.

Quick, let's see if the game's on.

No, I like watching Mom's bad TV shows. It's one of my favorite childhood

memories.

Yeah, that and getting looks of pity at school the next day.

Okay, I'm back.

But here are the ground rules.

No comments of any kind about the show.

And no eye -rolling.

And none of that.

No. Or woof.

Or bah.

the show blows.

But if it's a hit, I'll be set for life.

So let's just hope that millions of people across America have such pathetic

lives they'll watch me every week.

Welcome to Steffi's World.

Okay, positive thoughts.

Where the only thing that'll wake that kid up is the sound of me falling

I'm going to have a look around outside and see if there's any damage.

Thank you, Ira. That's so sweet.

I was talking about my car.

Well, fortunately, the worst thing that happened was the TV fell over.

That TV did not fall over.

It realized Steffi's world was on and it tried to leap to its death.

take it from your comment that we are now free to... Feel free to freaking

siff all you want.

Stink -o -rama -loser -muck -pee -TV.

All right.

Playing a TV mom is the Roach Motel of show business.

Careers check in, but they don't check out.

TV moms.

June Cleaver, Mrs.

Partridge, Carol Brady.

Yeah? And what do they have now?

Nothing. And not Mrs. Brady.

She's got Wessonality.

What if this earthquake

had been worse?

What if my time had been up?

I should be doing work I'm proud of now instead of putting it off.

I'm quitting my job.

Wow, you've never quit a job before.

Zoe, Mom's acting crazy.

Maybe she's in shock. Maybe something fell on her.

That earthquake could have been a sign from the great Earth goddess herself.

No, she's okay.

Darling, we live in California.

Earthquakes happen all the time.

But this one was different.

I feel like it was telling me to shake up my life.

Follow my bliss.

Oh, I see. The great earth goddess scares the hell out of 10 million people

to have a chat with you.

I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

You quit?

I must say, I'm impressed.

You never quit a job before.

It took tremendous courage and strength and conviction.

I quit my job.

I know. What were you thinking?

How could you let me do that?

Me? The jolly green goddess spoke to you, remember?

You're my friend. You should have stopped me. How?

Well, you're rich.

You could have had me kidnapped and flown to France.

Right now, I could be at Euro Disney on Love Space Mountain.

Why are you wearing a helmet?

In case of an aftershock. During the quake last night, I was nearly killed by

falling mannequin.

Ooh, shopping. What a fabulous way to die.

Shopping? I was in bed.

I can't believe I actually quit my job.

Now it's back to cattle call auditions and trying to find out what my agent

changed his number to.

Darling, that is for people with no connections.

You, however, have a direct line to the movers and shakers in this town.

You see, I have two tickets to the gala charity dinner at the Malibu Crest Hotel

where the entire Hollywood elite will be rubbing shoulders and whatnot.

You want me to smooth?

I hate smoothing.

Every time I try to schmooze, my gag reflex kicks in.

Don't be silly. All you have to do is say, darling, I love your work. Try it.

Darling, I love your work.

Really? Then you do it.

See, I don't do it good.

have to block my car in the driveway every single day? And don't tell me it's

because you're pregnant, because you are always pregnant. You should be a better

pregnant driver by now.

Sometimes I think you get pregnant just to drive me nuts.

Oh, Zoe.

Uh -uh. What are you doing? Why are you making that Mrs. Butterworth face?

Hey, are you okay?

Just a weepy pregnant moment.

That's all.

All right, try it again.

I love your work.

And?

I'm a big, big fan.

Mother, Rachel just hugged me for no reason. It was scarier than the

Who wouldn't want to hug you, honey?

You're a terrific, talented, beautiful young woman.

recognize any of these people.

Don't let anybody know that.

Good Lord, Seville, did you just get off the bus?

Excuse me.

You look fabulous.

Thanks.

Oh, who are you?

I'm Nicholas Cage's karate instructor.

Oh, is he here?

No.

Are there any famous

Stars are too busy to come to these things, so they give the tickets to us.

Us who?

Jay Leno's nutritionist.

Tony Braxton's aromatherapist.

Jack Nicholson's ear, nose, throat guy.

Too obvious.

So, these people aren't famous. They just drain famous people's sinuses.

I'm going to go to the bar.

Do you think you can give my friend here a quick karate lesson?

Because if I get back here before the bourbon kicks in, she's cat food.

We can make this work.

Think about it.

These are the people who truly have access to the Hollywood power elite.

Get out of here.

I'm serious. Julia Roberts was pouring wine spritzers at one of these things

when she met Richard Gere's tanning coach.

The next thing you know, she's pretty woman.

Did that really happen?

Quite possibly.

You made that up.

You're schmoozing me, you big schmoozer!

All I'm saying is he produces Steffi's world and you clean his pool.

So you're skimming leaves and you casually mention that Sybil Sheridan

might be coaxed back to the show.

You know, for the right price.

Which is my old salary.

Or half.

I have six months to live.

Three!

Hi, huge fan.

Thank you so much.

So, you're a facialist, manicurist, proctologist? What?

I'm sorry, this was for charity. I bought a ticket. I didn't know that I

supposed to send my dog walker.

I'm Kristen Clark.

The theater director?

Yeah. I'm a huge fan!

I know I said that before, but I didn't mean it because I didn't know who you

were. But now I know who you are, so I mean it this time.

Oh, that was exhausting.

Wait a minute. Weren't you in that movie about the brain -sucking zombies who

crushed the toga party?

Yeah.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

You really stood out in that.

I mean, you were so alive.

I was supposed to be dead, but thank you.

And I loved your production of Hamlet at the circus.

The critics were right. It was brilliant.

So what are you working on now?

Ibsen's A Doll's House.

I love that play. I'm setting it entirely in the 1950s. We're doing it in

and white.

What a great idea.

Nora is one of the greatest parts ever written for a woman. Well, I wish my

actress felt the same way. She just quit the job to do some television garbage

called Steffi's World.

Television. Ew.

Well, we're supposed to open this weekend, and now I don't know what we're

to do.

Hmm. Where could you find someone who's read the play a thousand times and

already knows most of the lines and, as you just said, can even make a dead

character seem alive?

Where? Oh, where?

Do you really think you could do this in two days?

Are you kidding?

I just gave up my job because the earthquake inspired me to shake things

This must be the reason.

Sybil, if you are willing to take that same kind of risk on stage...

then you are exactly what I am looking for.

I'll see you at the main stage theater tomorrow morning at 8 and be ready to

work.

Yes!

Marianne! I have great news!

Now pivot on your back foot and thrust!

I'll tell you when I wake up.

I saved you seats down front so Sybil can see you. How's she doing?

Excited and nervous.

Now, this theater is full of critics, so I want you to laugh like you've never

laughed before.

Marianne, this is an intense psychological drama.

There won't be a lot of laughs.

Unless Sybil decides to liven things up by sitting on a whoopee cushion.

I mean, will you let that go? If she hadn't done that, your entire wedding

have been a snooze.

Oh, God, here we go again.

Oh, shut up, Zoe.

I'm surrounded by the...

people I love, okay?

Ira's been like a father to me. Thank you for caring, Ira.

Are you all right, Rachel?

She won't tell you. She's a big hormonal freak.

Sully, your sister's very fragile right now, and she needs to know that we're

there for her.

Oh, Marianne. Darling, darling, tears.

Silk.

love your work.

You're the reason I'm in show business.

Sybil. Kristen, hi. I was just thinking back on why I chose you for this role.

You were?

Well, good luck with the play.

It was because of the earthquake, remember? Because you're not afraid to

things up.

A critic in the audience just told me that a doll's house set in the 1950s has

been done. If it's been done, I don't do it.

So I'm shaking things up. Are you with me?

All the way. This is going to be great.

What are we doing? I have no clue.

I love it.

I love it.

You're wearing bubble wrap.

It's a symbol of how Nora is treated like a possession, to be kept safe, not

allowed to live.

What do you think?

Hey, hands off the bubbles.

Do you have to wear them through the whole play? Of course not.

Once Nora sees that her protection is her prison, she sheds the bubble wrap

emerges free.

And naked?

Yeah.

I'm going to be naked.

With strangers and critics and... Oh, no, my children!

I know! What are you thinking?

What am I supposed to do?

Just walk out of a Kristen Clark play?

I'll never work in this town again.

I just wanted to follow my bliss, Mary.

Just as I'm about to remove the last bubble.

Fake a seizure.

Bubble! And swallow your tongue so it looks real.

Okay, I can do this.

The universe does not give me more than I can handle.

I can't do this.

What do you think the great goddess lied to me?

I've been schmoozed by Mother Earth.

I knew the Mother Earth would come through for me. She shut that theater

She wasn't going to let me. You have to get naked in front of all those other

people who ain't naked, too.

But she's the one who led you to do the play in the first place. No, you were

the one who led me to do the play.

Because you took me to that stupid Parasite of the Stars party.

Goddess just wanted me to quit my job.

I'll quit my job, Marianne.

Don't worry, darling. If she's any kind of goddess at all, she'll give you some

sort of a severance package.

Something named Buck.

That fills out a pair of tight jeans and as dumb as a stump.

Okay, maybe that first earthquake wasn't telling me to quit my job, but I knew

it was saying something.

I think it was talking to me.

I think I'm the one who's supposed to shake things up.

Do you have a minute?

Sure.

Why don't I just go clean the kitchen?

Well, we know that's a lie.

Uh -oh.

This doesn't look like it's going to be good.

Kevin was offered a new job.

I was wrong.

That's great.

In Boston.

Oh.

I was right the first time.

He'd be teaching the same grade, and the money's about the same, so... Well,

basically, he's left it up to me, so the last few days have just been the pits

trying to decide.

Oh, honey, why didn't you say something before?

Well, because then we would have talked about it, and had it turned out that

what I decided was a mistake, I would have blamed you. You know how I am.

Sweetheart, you'll probably blame me anyway.

You know, Mom...

When I visit Kevin's family back there, I just love it.

And it's so clean and beautiful, and they have seasons so I can wear sweaters

because I need to, not just because I look so cute in them.

You're going, aren't you?

Mom, you've done so many things that have been brave and exciting, and I

even left home for college.

I think it's time I shaped things up.

When are you going to move?

Just as soon as she gets out here so I can have two screaming kids to deal with

on the plane.

Oh, so you're going to give birth here.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Can we do it underwater?

I've been reading up on it. It sounds really interesting.

Yeah, for fish.

Okay.

But Boston's so far away.

My grandkids will be growing up three hours ahead of me.

And you won't call, and I'll have to nag you, and then you won't send me any

pictures.

Oh, that's exactly what I didn't want to say.

If a time like this came along.

Mom, it's not like we're never going to see each other.

I know.

But when you were a little girl, I just had to be away on location so much.

I always wanted to have a chance, you know, I had to promise myself that I

have a chance to make that up to you.

And then, you know, you started dating, and then you were married, and then you

had little William, and now you're moving away.

Mother, I'm the one uprooting my family and taking the big chance, so snap out

of it and make me feel good about this, okay?

All right.

Mommy's here, honey.

hugging everybody all week? Yeah.

Well, where the hell's mine?

Oh.

Right.

Follow your bliss, baby.