Original subtitles

I'm dying here, Marianne. I'm in this sitcom, but they won't give me any funny

lines.

I can't. See, in this scene, I'm comforting my teenage daughter, so it'd

little hard to work in my impression of Flipper having sex.

Darling, the show is about the daughter.

And this audience doesn't exactly grasp the subtleties of a finely -toned

performance.

That's my favorite one so far.

Sybil, I just know the next scene will go better.

I hope so, because I'm really sick of this.

You know, maybe it's time I took a stand. And if they don't like it, Sybil

Sheridan walks.

What's that, Sybil? You bet.

Okay, in five, four... Gotta go.

...three.

Steffi, sweetheart, you seemed so down when you came home from school. I made

you some hot cocoa.

I even put in those little marshmallows, just the way you like it. Oh, yay!

Mom, these are the marshmallows from Lucky Charms.

Sorry, honey, but someone used all the regular marshmallows.

Remember? Oh, that's right.

I made an igloo for my science project.

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

It might help to talk about it.

What's the matter with you people? Don't you know funny?

There's nothing to talk about.

I thought Kim Rockwell was my best friend.

Turns out she'd rather hang out with Brad Peterson.

She's a big buckethead.

Steffi, you know we don't use that kind of language in this house.

she get all the funny lines?

Why couldn't I have said buckethead?

It's comedy gold.

Did I just say that?

Look what they've done to me.

They've robbed me of my self -esteem. I have nothing, nothing.

Ooh, M &Ms.

Well, I love your character, and I think she's very memorable.

Memorable, huh?

What's her name?

No, it isn't.

Is it?

Oh, hell.

This character's so boring, I can't even remember her name.

On shows like this, they never let the mom be sexy or funny or interesting or

have any depth at all.

Okay, look at it this way. This turkey could run for years and make you

millions. You'll be filthy rich like me.

You won't need depth.

You're right. It's just a job.

It's not my whole life.

I have a family.

Kevin and Rachel are coming home from Boston.

I'll get to hold my grandson in my arms.

And we're going to have a baby shower because I have a granddaughter on the

Oh, why can't I be famous?

I can't wait for next week's episode.

Steffi's first date.

You're going to wait a long time if you expect me to wear this candy -ass

sweater. I didn't spend six hours with the hottest tattoo artist in L .A. so

those freaks in wardrobe could cover this up. I understand that, Jennifer.

The rose is beautiful. It's just what's written on the leaf.

See, the network feels that Steffi's character wouldn't have a tattoo that

Property of Rat Boys.

Harpy, if I have a tattoo...

And you don't want Steffi to have a tattoo.

Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

You? No, nothing. You're perfect.

Jennifer, I've waited my whole career to work with you.

Hey, Sybil.

Yes, Jennifer?

Harvey wants me to cover up my tattoo.

Cover it up?

That tattoo is a work of art.

See? It's so great.

I would hate for it to pull focus away from your face.

You're right.

Okay, I'll wear the stupid sweater. But not because you want me to.

Sybil, that was inspired. I mean, she really responds to you.

Hey, maybe you could spend some time with Jennifer.

Forget it.

Let her own mother do it. We tried.

She wants too much money.

Jennifer's character is supposed to be a role model. If it gets out what she's

really like, we'll never make it on the air.

I know.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

But that means I get at least three bucket heads per show.

One. Two.

Deal.

Way to go, Sheridan. Two bucket heads.

Walking proud.

Walking tall.

He did say something very interesting about you yesterday.

Zoe, you are never going to get into the conservatory unless you learn how to

focus.

What did he say?

God, you're obsessed. Do this fatal attraction thing on your own time, okay?

What are you saying, Kevin?

Are you saying it's all my fault?

What I'm saying, dear, is that next time, instead of giving our child

before a five -hour plane ride, why not give him a pot of espresso and a

trumpet?

Hey, who's this little cutie? This is little William. He's my slugger.

So you grabbed the flight attendant's tongue and dragged her a couple of

Who hasn't done that?

Come on, William.

Are those little wings you stabbed the pilot with?

Huh?

Ow!

I still don't get what the big deal is.

We were supposed to be spending a nice day together.

I was having fun.

You were naked on the teacup ride at Disneyland.

It was hot.

It was Disneyland.

There is no naked at Disneyland.

I always wanted to do it, so I did it.

the worst job I've ever had.

Nonsense. Remember Dick Butka's Christmas?

Oh, right.

Or Mookie and the Moose?

Or She's the Pontiff?

Stop helping.

Zoe, I want you to meet Jennifer, my TV daughter.

This is Zoe, my real daughter.

Want a switch?

Why don't you take Jennifer upstairs and find her something to wear for the Toys

for Tots picnic where she's making an appearance?

Like what?

Something with a zipper she can't reach.

That's a really great bracelet.

Oh, it's part of a handcuff.

Can I have the other one?

Why do I feel like I just introduced Thelma to Louise?

Oh, look, they're home.

Oh, Marianne, how am I going to give Rachel a great baby shower if I have to

wrangle Lolita all the time?

Here's a riddle. What's richer than God and us all the time in the world?

You are the greatest. Thank you. But I'm her mother. I want to do the party.

Let Marianne do it. That way we won't have that peanut butter and pork rind

thing you do.

Hey, it was good enough for your wedding.

Welcome home, honey.

Where's my little baby squeaky cheeks?

Right here.

William's asleep.

Then I'll just have to talk to my granddaughter.

So, you just flew in from Boston.

Your arms must be really tired.

Ooh,

tough wounds.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week.

I don't want to go to the Toys for Tots thing.

Why do I have to hand out yo -yos and slinkies to a bunch of losers?

and Rachel, this is Jennifer. When Steffi's world hits the airwaves,

gonna be America's favorite teenager.

I think it's your turn. Back pain, water retention, swollen ankles, et cetera,

et cetera.

Fine, fine, fine.

It was nice to meet you.

Hey, whoa!

You find what you were looking for?

I have had it, Jennifer!

You can... You can't walk in a person's house and goose their son -in -law.

Okay. And what do you think?

Sorry.

gotten tough with her earlier.

Yeah.

Then we wouldn't have had to be kicked out of the park by Bambi and Scrooge

McDuck.

Oh, I felt it again.

I think it's an elbow.

Strong elbow.

That's a good sign.

I know mine were essential at Neiman's the day it came down to me, Ivana, and

one Bichon jumpsuit.

Are you sure you're having a girl?

Because I think this elbow feels like a teeny weeny...

Teeny weeny.

Mother, you have to be you all the time.

I envy you.

It must be wonderful experiencing the miracle of childbirth.

That will tell you all about the constipation.

Jennifer, no!

Okay.

Lucky guess.

Nope.

What, you have eyes at the back of your head?

Yep.

Grew them when Zoe was four.

Okay, what am I holding?

Martini.

This one is for William. I don't want my godson to feel left out. Oh, how sweet.

Thank you, Zoe.

Well, we want him to think the birth of a baby sister is a good thing.

So later on, he won't put her in a box, tape wings to it, and push her off the

garage roof to see if she can fly.

God, Zoe, ancient history.

Honey, have you thought about who little Clementine's goddess parents are going

to be?

Mother, two things.

One, we are not naming the baby Clementine.

Two, can we please just say godparent this time?

Sure. If you want to cave to thousands of years of patriarchal propaganda.

My shower.

Caving.

So, I was thinking Ira could be the godfather, since, you know, he helped

me and he drove us home from the airport.

My godfather is a bail bondsman.

Tell me that's not handy.

And I was thinking maybe for the godmother, Kevin's sister.

What? I thought we decided on my niece Lauren.

Didn't I tell you?

Doesn't your niece live in Memphis?

She'd hardly ever see the baby.

Right, whereas Kevin's sister only lives an hour away. Of course, this is a

woman who named her fingers.

That was so blown out of proportion.

Rachel, it's your baby. You pick whoever you want.

Like my cousin Renee.

She lives in San Francisco and she breeds horses so little Clementine could

a pony.

Mom, I wouldn't even name the pony Clementine, okay?

Okay, okay.

But it's a great name, Clementine. Don't you think, Marianne?

I didn't think of Marianne.

If I were her, I'd be really mad at... you.

Marianne, I am so sorry, and so is Rachel.

She said she'd be thrilled to have you as godmother to her baby. Sybil, it's

okay, really. Don't make a fuss.

I have to make a fuss. It's what I do.

I just keep talking and talking and talking until you forgive me just to

up.

Of course I forgive you.

No, your lips say I forgive you, but your eyes say you suck.

Sybil, don't make this more important than it needs to be, please.

Okay.

But it only happened because we always choose family members to be godparents.

Like you.

North. So much a part of this family.

Oh, you talk now?

So let's be honest.

If you can remember Ira, who wasn't even in the room, and Cousin Lauren in

Tennessee, and Aunt Renee in San Francisco, but not me, how much a part

this family am I, really?

I didn't forget you.

I just remembered late.

Hey, Mother.

May I go to Mexico with Jennifer and Mr. Ratboy?

What?

Jennifer, no!

Where'd she go?

South. Mucho south.

This is bad, okay? We had a deal, Sylvia. You're supposed to keep an eye

I've been looking for her all afternoon.

I even left my own daughter's baby shower.

And do you know what it's like to stand in a police lineup at Disneyland?

Oh, I get it.

You were what?

My babysitter?

My keeper?

Harvey, shoo.

Okay.

I thought you liked me.

But you were just... acting so you could keep your job.

You don't care about me.

Nobody around here cares about me.

Oh, boo -hoo!

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

I have spent more than 20 years busting my ass, only to wind up serving cocoa to

the bride of Rat Boy.

I want to be your friend, Jennifer.

But believe me, nobody is going to care about you until you learn to care about

yourself.

Not my mother.

And I don't have to take any crap from you. And I don't have to take any crap

from you, because I get enough of that from my own daughters.

But, you know, we could be friends.

Maybe we could create, like, a crap free zone.

Everybody needs a friend like that.

You know, I could have used this speech earlier. Harvey!

I have to see someone. It's very important. Can you do this rehearsal

me? Sure.

Anybody could do your part in this scene.

Oh, many other ways you could have said that.

Hello,

Bobby?

It's Cousin Marianne.

How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm just trying to keep in touch with the family.

How is your mom?

Oh, she doesn't live there anymore?

Oh, no longer living.

Why wasn't I notified?

Her dying wish?

I gotta go.

We've got to talk.

Sybil, it's okay. I already told you. I accept your apology.

Well, you can't. I take it back.

I just realized this whole thing is your fault. I'm sorry.

I accept.

You want to be a part of my family?

Forget it.

I don't want you to be my sister or my mother or my aunt or my cousin.

I love them, but they make me crazy sometimes.

And that's why I have you.

You're different.

You're my crap -free zone.

Okay, how many donuts did you eat?

Do you remember when I gave you that wooden bowl with Tahitian water sprites

carved on the side?

Yes, and I'd still say, what in God's name were you thinking?

See, that's exactly what I want to say to Rachel every time she gives me a

Christmas present.

But I can't.

Just like you can't tell your mother to stop sending you those Wayne Newton

commemorative gravy boats.

I'd drop them, but they won't break.

If you were my blood relative, you'd have to have that bowl I gave you right

there on that table or I'd be offended.

But it doesn't work like that with us, see?

We can be brutally honest, tactless, even horribly insensitive at baby

Because it just rolls off our backs, see?

You forgot that for a little while today, but you've learned your lesson

let's just let it go.

Okay, you're probably right.

And I admit, I was hurt before, but you've shown me how terribly wrong I

Thank you for that.

What are friends for?

Now, would you please do me the honor of being goddess mother to my new

grandbaby?

Fine. At least we know the child will have half a chance of growing up in your

family with an iota of fashion sense.

Hey.

Yes, I think I'm going to enjoy this crap free zone.

Thank goodness we're not related.

Right back at you, pal.

I love you, Marianne.

Oh, Steffi, you look so grown up and beautiful.

Brad's going to have a cow when he sees you.

A cow?

Mother, please.

I'm not dating Bart Simpson.

I would laugh more at my own autopsy.

Have you given any more thought about... Oh, Rachel, I would be delighted to

call your baby my godchild. And I'm honored that you asked.

And I give you my sacred pledge. Her first words will be, I'll take one in

color.

Mom, do you really think Brad likes me?

Now who's being a buckethead?