Original subtitles

Think around.

Let's chat.

Come on, girly cock. Are you afraid you're going to break a nail? Wait,

No, Frank.

This one's mine.

Good to see you, Lieutenant.

Okay, okay.

Call Animal Control.

I don't want that in the back of my car.

And cut.

That was great.

That was tough, intense.

It was dangerous.

Really? You think so?

No.

Really? Shut up.

I can't believe it's been more than 20 years since we worked together.

Do you remember?

I mean, we used to spend every spare minute together.

And you introduced me to all those great Carol Lombard movies.

Before I met you, I thought the ultimate movie -going experience was Tarzan.

I always dreamed about being in a Tarzan movie.

Oh, you'd have been a great Jane.

Hell no.

I wanted to be Tarzan.

All Jane ever did was shovel cheetah poop out of the treehouse.

You could always make me laugh.

I could.

Really? No.

How?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.

I do my own stunts now.

I just got distracted.

I was thinking about something I have to do today.

What was that?

Are there any other chores I can help you with?

I'll make a list.

And bring me some buttocks for my bread.

There may be an extra charge.

Sybil, look what Justin gave me. I found it on my doorstep this morning with the

sweetest note. Listen, I can't. You do it.

Mom, here, Justin.

It's a necklace.

It's certainly one of a kind.

If there's a God, yes.

Oh, it's not that bad, Marianne. You could always wear it with... a bag over

your head.

The point is, Justin was probably saving a tree or a whale in some third -world

wasteland when he saw this hideous thing and thought of me.

It's moments like this when I could just go on and on about him.

I jumped my director's bones today.

I have no sons, Bill.

Well, they kissed. She made the first move.

But then he responded with a savage intensity that both shocked and aroused

You told him first?

No, but I might have mentioned it to the breadsticks.

You have no idea what she's like before you get here.

We had incredible sex.

I love when stories start that way.

Not today, 27 years ago.

I hate when stories end that way.

He was the cameraman when I was a young actress just starting out, doing my

first serious movie.

Which one? A Chimp for All Seasons?

No.

Okay, yeah.

But it always sounds worse when you say it.

It was a three -month shoot, and by the end of it, Roger and I were in love.

I can't believe you never told me about this man.

Well, it didn't work out. He went to France to work with Truffaut. I was

to follow him, but then I got another movie.

Then I married Jeff, got divorced, married Ira, got divorced again.

You want to share a couple of bottles of wine?

Sheriff, now you and Roger can get together and moan over old times. I

he's leaving on the red -eye for Berlin.

So I only have till midnight to do 27 years of catching up.

Don't get your hopes up. Some men have been known to do that in 27 seconds.

Not Roger.

Our one night together was the most passionate, erotic experience of my

life.

Wow.

After wow, after wow, after wow.

to do. We have to decide what you'll wear, what you'll wear under that, what

flavor it'll be.

Oh, there.

Look at that color that woman is wearing. On her it says I have too many

but on you it would scream all aboard.

I'll go get a swatch.

I still can't believe you never told me about Roger.

That's because at the time he was married.

There. I've told you.

Good game, Ira.

You are really quick for a guy... You know.

What? A guy with brown hair?

A guy whose first name is a retirement plan?

Just say it. A guy my age.

Let me get some water. You need some water?

Why? Because old people need water?

You only beat me by two points, pal.

Wow, I can see all the veins popping out of your head. You need a pill with that

water?

You want to go again?

Yeah, I'll go again.

Anytime, anyplace.

As long as it's early morning.

Or late afternoon.

And in the shade.

So I just whooped your dad three games in a row.

Wow, I tremble in the presence of your glorious manhood.

I have not showered yet, and I will hug you.

No, no, no, no, no!

Hello?

Yes, Matt Taylor, who's calling?

Okay. Mom, it's Roger!

I got it!

You know, we're so happy that a boy has finally asked our civil out.

Maybe... See, now she can stop sending those threatening love letters to Sean

Cassidy.

That's it, Zoe.

I'm changing the lock.

This Roger person's got my mom totally insane.

Ah, excuse me. But remember, I am the son of Marianne Thorpe. And for her,

insane is a good day.

See, my mother may appear normal on the outside, but on the inside, she's

wearing an aluminum foil hat and barking at cars.

Then I'll bet you five bucks that in the next 24 hours, my mom outweirds your

mom. I could use the cash. It's a bet.

Hello, Zoe.

Captain Darling, look what Mommy's wearing.

That unusual necklace you gave her.

Unfortunately, I seem to be having some sort of allergic reaction.

Mom, that's not a necklace.

Remember when I told you I'd get you something to hang in your closet to help

repel the moths?

You're wearing it.

You think that I'm having the neckline of a new Mizrahi gown altered to

accentuate a no -pet strip?

Will you

take a check?

Sybil, I could get lost.

Being rich, if you can get the same rash as some third -

Funny and talented and sexy.

Wow, I can really see why you dumped him.

I didn't dump him.

See, it was... Well, sometimes when you're...

Back in the 70s, everybody was... Zoe, sit

down.

Gosh, this could really get interesting.

He was married.

You can't be serious.

And you knew?

Hey, I'm not proud of it.

Don't worry, I'm not going to drag you over the coals about it.

Until I need to.

I didn't know any better then.

I thought just loving him was enough, but it wasn't.

When he left, I was devastated.

See, he had a wife and I had nothing.

I hope you never have to go through that kind of loneliness.

He's not married now.

No, I would never get involved with another married man.

You know, Zoe, maybe you could learn from my mistake and not have to make the

same one.

Not like you agree.

And one more thing.

One day you'll find out.

This is what life is all about.

You need someone who is

living just for you.

Which ear bobs do you think I should wear tonight?

How about the married one?

Okay, you heard.

So you know that I've learned my lesson and that he's not married anymore.

Neither is Dr.

Dick.

And who has been telling me not to see him?

Who has been saying once a cheater, always a cheater? Need a clue? Follow

pointing finger.

Yes, Marianne, but that was Dick.

Dick bad.

Roger, good.

See the difference?

You have a choice.

Throw caution to the wind and your ankles in the air.

Or if you've ever listened to anything you've ever said, you'll tell the man

of you.

So this is what it feels like to be right.

I like it.

Hey, I don't want to talk about this until tomorrow.

After I've slept on him.

It.

And he really likes you. So whatever you do, don't let him see you eat.

Right.

Hi.

I got this for you.

Oh.

Don't get too excited. It was in the bargain bin at the car wash.

You get a free video with a giant box of Skittles.

My man, Godfrey.

With William...

and Carol Lombard. Oh, you are so great.

Where are the Skittles?

I'm not that easy.

You'll have to get me liquored up first.

Sybil, before this goes any farther, I have to tell you something. Here's the

champagne you ordered. It's an excellent choice.

Don't gulp and no belching.

Sybil? Roger, wait.

Have you heard the old saying, once a cheater, always a cheater?

Maybe not because I made it up.

That's what I was about to tell you.

Sybil, I was never married.

You were never married?

I told you I was because, well, you know what making movies is like.

On a beautiful location, beautiful people, it's magic.

Then the movie's over and the spell's broken.

I told you I was married because I thought we could avoid that horrible

where you get back in the real world and you realize you left the magic on the

fat.

You were never married.

So for 27 years and one really sucky day, I've been lugging around this huge

glob of guilt for no reason?

I was supposed to forget you, Sybil.

But I couldn't.

When I finally went back to find you, you were engaged to that stuntman.

I didn't want to screw up your life.

Do you have any idea what you threw away?

Yes.

And I paid for it.

I lost you.

And every Carol Lombard movie I ever loved because they reminded me of you.

Why couldn't we have bonded watching Porky's?

Sybil, I care about you.

I always have.

And I'm going to shut up now.

And if you walk out that door, well, I guess I had it coming.

When's your plane leaving?

Three hours.

I have to be back on the set tomorrow or we fall way behind.

I'm going to go watch a movie.

You coming?

I'll get the car.

And the Skittles.

Here, Ma. Drink this tea.

It should help clear up the rash.

Thank you.

Drink it, Marianne.

Two attempts on your life in the same day would be too obvious.

You raised him better than that.

So, I'm down in my driveway for a rematch. I'm playing for 20 minutes

realize you weren't there.

You know, it was hard to tell the difference.

I'm gonna grab my keys.

Hi, Marianne.

You gonna get that?

No, it's Sybil calling to tell me I'm right.

I just want it on tape for future use.

Marianne, pick up.

This is important.

Okay, you were right.

But you were also wrong.

Yeah, I can erase that.

Roger just told me he was never married.

Can you believe it?

He wasn't a cheater, just a liar.

Which means I wasn't an adulteress. Just a fornicator.

I can't remember the last man who made me feel this way.

Oh, yes, I do.

It was him.

I'm so happy.

How often do you get a second chance with the one true love of your life?

Boy.

Glad I wasn't around to hear that.

Sybil.

Yes! Twelve in a row for Woodbine. They said he was too short. They said he was

too old. But now here he is, in his driveway, all alone, in the dark.

I think I'll start that story over.

What are you doing here? I thought you were on a date.

Give me the ball, Ace.

Listen, Sid. Give me the ball. Did Marianne call you? Give me the ball!

You know, Justin told me he could have beat you a lot worse than he did. Oh,

really? Is that the same Justin that used to date our daughter?

So I figure you've lost your edge, Woodbine. Tonight could be my night. I

lot of talking, but I don't see any shooting.

You want it back? Take it back. Ooh, what's he gonna do? He can't go around

He can't go through me. What's he gonna do? What's he gonna do?

Hey! You pinched me!

Yeah, well, you dribbled through my legs. I hate when you do that.

Well, you practically drew blood.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

My ball!

Oh, I'm scared.

Put your arms down.

What am I supposed to do? Let you shoot over me?

am I supposed to make this shot?

Where was my head?

Yes! What are you doing? I win.

After one basket?

Well, I don't want to get all sweaty.

Listen, Ira, about what you heard me tell Marianne.

It's okay.

Really? Because if you want to give me a hard time about it, I'll hang out.

Aren't you on a date?

Well, technically.

Go.

You sure?

Yeah.

We'll do it tomorrow.

Okay.

but I had to check up on Ira. It's okay.

My man Godfrey will be here next time.

And when is next time?

Not sure.

Two months, maybe a little more, but I'll be back.

I don't care.

I never liked you anyway.

Roger, I have to admit I'm picturing you naked right now.

But you only have an hour.

I know.

I wanted to be here to watch you sleep for a while and sneak down to the

and make you pop tarts.

Which is why I changed my flight.

You changed your flight?

It's going to cost the studio a fortune, but I'm not leaving until tomorrow.

Sybil, why not?

Why not?

I'm out of Pop -Tarts.

Now, if I was William Powell and you were Carol Lombard, what would we do

I don't know.

But the good stuff always happens off the screen.

I love happy endings.

At least not that way.