Original subtitles

Six months ago, I was starring in a TV series.

Now I can't get a job poking the Pillsbury Doughboy.

They said my finger wasn't expressive enough.

So on the way out, I gave them one that was.

And they're darn lucky to have you.

Marianne, are you listening to me? I didn't get it.

Get what, dear?

Okay, I know you're distracted because we're here to see the man you love, but

we have a deal. Till he walks through that door, I'm the big kahuna.

Got it, Moondoggy.

Hey, is that Lassie?

And Benji!

Richard is a veterinarian to the stars.

His first big case was putting that Beretta parrot to sleep.

Look!

It's Fat Darn Cat.

Wait a minute. He said some work done.

Those whiskers are plugged.

And so what is this big important present for Richard?

It's nothing. It's just a little trinket I had engraved.

Whoa. Jump back, Jack.

I know it's too much. He's going to take one look at that and think I'm trying

to own him.

He'll think I'm clingy and needy and obsessive.

Marianne.

Those are the things he loves about you.

That's wonderful.

I'm finally in a relationship where one of us likes me.

Hey, Marianne. Hi, Sybil.

I wish you'd told me you were coming over.

I'm a mess.

I just dewormed George Clooney's pig.

George Clooney's pig?

Where? I want to write my number on his back.

Well, I don't care if you're a mess.

But this isn't Renato Nucci's suit.

Ah, what the hell.

See how I've grown?

Reno? I can't believe it.

It's Sybil Sheridan.

Remember?

Stomped off your feet for a beefy treat.

He still remembers his line.

You're a movie star, yes you are.

You're a dog and you have a bigger career than me, yes you do.

Richard, can I see you in your office for a moment?

You know actors, they just want to talk shop and sniff each other's butts.

Hey, I read about your new movie, Ben Fur.

Could you put in a good word for me?

for a friend. You know how it is.

I mean, I was just... Yes. Yes, I was.

Okay. It's nice seeing you again.

Hello, this is Max.

He's here to be neutered. By the way, he thinks that means he's getting a

facial, so mum's the word.

Terrence, I heard you're directing the miniseries, Sunset Terranade. I love the

book. I really would like to audition.

Ah, yeah, well, there just aren't any female roles.

It takes place at a convent.

So pick him up the day after tomorrow, right?

Okay.

That Mother Superior would be great for an actor, like me.

Sybil, I'm looking for somebody with a little more depth and range.

Terrence, you've worked with me. You know what I can do.

Exactly.

But you've only worked with me one time. You don't know what...

It should be great when your new teacher gets here.

Well, at least stop grinning like I just learned to use the potty for the first

time.

I don't want to feel like I'm two years old today. It's bad enough I don't have

any talent.

You're right.

That's why a conservatory professor is taking a special interest in you.

She doesn't want to help you get in next term. She wants to point and laugh.

Dad!

I'm going.

Oh, God! She's here.

I'm not ready. Tell her I'm sick.

Tell her I'm out. Tell her I... for an extra thumb and I'm taking up the harp.

No, wait.

Let me get it. I don't want her to think I'm a baby and I have to have my daddy

here to hold my hand.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Honey, my advice?

Pick a Zoe and stick with it.

Hello. Hello.

I'm Julia Bishop. Hi, I'm Zoe.

Hi. Come on in.

Um, this is my father, Ira Woodbine.

Hello. I'm Zoe's father, Ira Woodbine.

Did you just say that?

Ira Woodbine, the author of Lowenstein's Lament? That's me. Did you read it?

Yes, I did.

So, let's get started.

Okay, I worked on those Baroque pieces we talked about on the phone.

And, um...

I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing. Can I give you gas money?

How about if we get out the music and go over the fingering you wrote up?

Okay. Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone.

But I'd just like to say, Julia, even though my novel sold over half a million

copies, in paperback alone, I still get a kick when I meet somebody who's read

it.

That's nice.

Thank you.

You've been trying since yesterday.

He's not going to take your call.

Shh.

I'm his mother.

I know I'm dead.

Have Ira wax.

Sybil, is that a new jacket?

I like it. Thank you.

There. I bring out the jacket. I go for my opinion. See how that works?

Okay, I got one for you.

We got divorce.

You don't live here anymore.

See how that works?

I'm trying to make a point here.

Zoe's piano teacher told me she read my book, but then she didn't tell me she

liked it. Is it just me, or is that rude?

Come on, Ira. You've been around people who didn't like your books before.

Problem is, she's beautiful.

And if she doesn't like his book, all he'll have to fall back on is his

personality.

No wonder he's panicked.

That's not it at all.

Ira's got a girlfriend!

Ira's got a girlfriend!

You know, you're right. I don't live here anymore.

Hey!

Maybe Ira will start dating her.

Then everybody will have somebody.

I'll die alone in my bathrobe.

And it'll be weeks before they discover me.

Now, Sybil, I'm over here every day.

I'd find you eventually.

Just so you know, if you're thinking of marrying Richard, you better make it

stick.

I am not going through another one of your divorces.

And I'm not putting any more electric eels into any more hot tubs.

My garage door opened.

Didn't you and I make a pact that if one of us was considering marriage, the

other one would sit her down and talk her out of it?

Yeah.

Hey, you're not actually thinking... No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not.

Richard and I just entered the I love you and want to be with you always

This is no time for a commitment.

Is it?

I don't know, Marianne. But I'm not making the same mistake three times.

When I find a man and fall in love, oh, hell, I'm just going to stay permanently

engaged.

That way I never have to be a wife.

And I never have to do any heavy lifting.

I never thought about a permanent engagement.

I mean, the way my last marriage turned out, you really make a lot of sense.

could you check to see if somebody's bringing my cat out yet? I'm running a

little late.

Oh, it'll be just a minute, sir.

Okay.

Don't you just hate waiting?

I swan.

I'd be a teenager if I had back all the time I spent waiting at the bank.

What do you do, son?

I'm a film director.

Really?

Did you direct E .T.? No.

Kramer vs. Kramer?

No. Hila Postino? No.

Well, what else is there?

Actually, I directed a little film called Punch -Out!, but of course you

that since you were in it. Right, Sybil?

Well, for one thing, no cat in the carrier.

Shoot!

Mr. Woodruff?

Oh, thank you, Maxie.

Except for no cat in the box, you would have been totally fooled.

Stay!

Meryl Streep would have acted the cat.

And before she was through, I would be wondering what part of Poland she was

from.

don't even know Meryl Streep. She'd never do one of your cheesy low -budget

flops.

But I would.

Anyone else would have been totally fooled.

Mr. Castle and Twister.

a handsome woman.

I'm sorry. It's just you look very familiar to me.

Aren't you George Clooney's mother?

No, but we did spend a wild weekend in Tijuana once.

You're a fine -looking man.

You got yourself a sweetheart?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

Well, you better treat her right because she's a fine woman.

Yeah, well, she's a wonderful woman. In fact, I'm meeting her for dinner

tonight. I'm going to pop the question.

No!

I'm sorry.

I mean, don't worry if she says no. You can still see each other without being

married. You can be permanently engaged.

I'm afraid I'm not 16 anymore.

I don't want to go steady.

I want to get married.

I don't think Marianne's ready for this.

Oh, it'll be okay.

She's good in a crisis.

wig must be squeezing my brain.

Wait a minute.

Hey, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were having a lesson.

Yes, you did.

I'm paying for it. Back off.

Hi, Julia.

Hello, Ira. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just came by to pick something up.

Yeah, my teacher.

So, how's she doing?

Very well, actually.

Terrific.

Oh, Julia, I had an idea about a new novel about a musician.

I'm not sure that it, too, will be, in the words of the Washington Post, a

of a generation crying out in the wilderness.

Like my first book.

Anyway, I'm excited about it, and I'd like your input.

Well, how about after the lesson?

Great. I'll only need a couple of minutes of your legs.

Did. Are you trying to get into movies for half price again?

I did this for a job, but I needed a cat.

Go on, I'll catch up.

I found out that Richard's going to propose to Mary Ann.

That's great.

But Mary Ann told me she has mixed feelings about marriage. Then I opened

mouth and told her I'd never do it again.

Now I'm afraid I talked her out of saying yes, and I'm worried that Richard

won't stick around if she says no.

I'm sorry for wasting your time. Just be patient. You'll get it.

I'm sorry we haven't met. I'm Julia.

I'm Zoe's grandma.

From Memphis, Tennessee.

The Athens of the South.

Mother.

Okay. This is the Munsters and I'm Marilyn.

I met you the other day. Really?

I was completely fooled.

Well, now I know where Zoe gets all her talent.

So,

do you think I should warn Marianne before Richard pops the question?

Well, I wouldn't, but I know that you will.

Right.

I came for.

Zoe, next time tell your mother to return my spatula.

You know how hard it is to make pancakes with a knife?

Okay, I didn't even believe that myself.

And since I obviously have no pride left, Julia, what did you think of my

I found it dull and derivative. I couldn't even finish it.

Thank you. Will you go out with me?

Absolutely. I'll call you. Fine.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

You are so beautiful tonight.

May I help you?

Wait a minute.

Stuart?

No, it's me, Stable.

There's a reason I'm all made up like this. It's okay.

I never asked Stuart.

love each other, they... Look, this will say it much better than I will.

Well, hello.

Hi.

You're the woman who was in my office for no reason.

Is there something I can do for you?

Veterinaria.

the slip line of purpose.

to wrap it up because in about five minutes this table is going to be all

can eat veggie tacos.

Okay, I'm fine now. I'm totally fine.

Thank you for completely restoring my health.

Don't mention it, crusty but lovable old stranger lady.

So, uh, what did you and Sybil decide? Are we getting married?

Oh, Richard, that's so Sweet of you to let us have our little moment.

I do love you.

But about marriage, I...

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you.

to doing a heart attack is to underplay the moment.

Oh.

Well, darling, what gave it the way?

Marianne, you can't even work a toaster. How are you going to start a heart?

You go right out there and tell them it was a false alarm.

All right, who needs assistance here?