Original subtitles

No, actually, my new movie, Punch Out, doesn't celebrate mindless violence like

a lot of action films.

Instead, it explores a man and a woman's struggle against an unjust society.

Any more questions?

Okay, class, I'll call on you one at a time.

Uh, Ethan, Elizabeth, want to put your cell phones away?

Talk to each other after class?

Right now, you're making our guest feel insignificant.

Timmy? What was the percentage of the movie profits?

Percentage. Profit. Those are big words for a third grader.

Which means she doesn't.

It's all right, Mr. Manning. Since you asked, Timmy, my agent is negotiating

a percentage of the net profits for the sequel.

You know what negotiating means?

Yes, I do.

I also know what net means.

Bupkis.

Let's recess.

I thought we'd get little Timmy in a game of dodgeball.

We don't have recess. We have Tai Chi or C -SPAN.

Elizabeth. I went online and downloaded your career information from the web.

Uh -oh.

My feeling, as a woman, is that you've played more than your share of victims.

Is this a positive message?

Hey.

You know how hard it is to raise a family in this town on your own?

Talk to me when you've got a mortgage.

Thank you for the question.

Well, that's all the time Miss Sheridan has for us today, so let's thank her.

Thank you, Miss Sheridan.

You're welcome, children... of the corn.

Okay, everybody, gather your things and line up for snack.

You. All right, vegetarians on the right, lactose intolerance on the left.

Thank you,

Miss Sheridan.

I'm sorry, I received a back -to -profit thing.

Oh, that's all right, Timmy.

Listen, about the sequel, I think you could take a look at my contract.

Loving what it loves you And then taking that vow Nice work if you can

get it And if you get it

Do we have to go to this wedding? Yes.

Dave is our godson.

He practically grew up with Rachel and Zoe.

And his parents still live across the street. I can't say I'm out of town.

They've been watching the house.

What?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Dave is a great kid, but his mother has been driving me crazy.

Ever since you and I split, Gretchen keeps trying to fix me up.

You and me both.

This one guy she fixed me up with,

parrot on our date.

And then he acted all innocent when the bird looked down my blouse and said,

make him dance, mama.

Like it learned that in the pet store.

Oh, I've got a message.

I hope it's from Mary Ann.

She finally got the nerve to take Richard home to meet her parents.

Sybil, darling, we're in Buffalo. I'm calling from the car. We've been driving

through my old neighborhood for hours.

She lives across the street from a sausage factory.

She must be afraid to go in the house. I am not afraid to go into the house.

every waking moment.

But just in case, could you wear a Chanel suit, stiletto heels, and yell,

right, during the wedding vows?

Now, remember, if anybody asks, I broke my foot skiing.

Why don't you just tell everyone the truth?

You broke it while you were having sex.

Zoe, nobody needs to hear that.

Well, sure they do.

Everyone I told about it needed to hear a lot more.

Could you try and show a little consideration, please? Rachel is

is not an easy time. What with the backaches and the bloating and the mood

swings and the morning sickness.

Frankly, I'm in hell.

Yeah.

Shut up.

Oh, that's Justin.

Oh, look, she's all gaga because her boyfriend's here.

He's not my boyfriend.

Well, he's a boy, and he's a friend.

So he's your boyfriend.

I was too old for this game when I was born, okay?

Hi, boyfriend.

I hate you so much right now.

Oh, I'm driving over here in my mom's car, right? And the car phone rings.

It's her in Buffalo.

telling me to call Grandma and say that her plane got hijacked to the South

American country of my choice.

Then, five minutes later, Grandma calls.

Says the Chinese mafia is circling her house in a rental car.

If heredity is real, I am really screwed.

Oh, I heard that boyfriend thing, by the way.

Isn't it really, really incredible?

Oh.

They have a good band at the wedding tonight because I cannot wait to get you

the dance floor.

Dancing? Oh, Zoe loves to dance.

Don't you, Zoe?

Yeah.

I'm going to go get something to eat.

I know all they're going to serve there is animal flesh.

Does your mom have any tofu?

Well, if she does, it'll be dipped in fudge.

Great. Thanks a lot, Rachel. You know how self -conscious I am about the way I

dance. It serves you right for blabbing about our sex life. You know, some

things are supposed to be private.

Oh, really? Is that why you did it in a phone booth on the Santa Monica Pier?

What? Do you, like, follow us?

Uh, Zoe, speaking of dancing, who am I?

So that's what you do with those things. I've been using them as coasters.

Okay, Mom, we're ready.

Oh, look how beautiful you both look.

I want a picture with my daughters. Ira, my camera's right over there.

Oh,

just sit down and look like you love me.

Okay, big smile.

Wait.

While we're all here together, I just want to say I feel like I have so much

be grateful for.

Oh, my God. She thinks it's Thanksgiving.

I have two beautiful daughters. I'm starring in a new movie.

These are the moments that I just want to hold on to forever.

Out of the way. It's Marianne.

No way.

Thanks. Bye.

Great. I'm going to a wedding to see all these people.

Now how am I going to make them wish they were me?

I hate this day already.

Oh, Sib, I'm sorry.

But like you said, you still have your two beautiful daughters.

Oh, big whoop.

to eat your potatoes.

Mother. Oh, forgive me.

She doesn't think her God -given name of Teresa is good enough for her phony,

baloney, drugged -out Hollywood friends.

But she changed it to Aunt Marie.

It's Marianne. Remember, Mother?

It's on all the checks I send you.

So, Richard, Teresa says that you're a vet.

Do you take care of dogs?

Sure do.

Pets? Yes, ma 'am.

Birds? Mm -hmm.

Lizards? Sometimes.

Rabbits? Yes!

Animals, mother!

Anything that flies, swims, hops, or crawls and isn't an attorney, he treats!

You don't have to bite my head off.

Chickens?

Hit him!

Hit him! Use your left hook! Knock him out!

Jeez, I love hockey.

How about you, Richard?

Actually, I'm more of a tennis man.

Why?

No blood in tennis.

I'm sorry. You meant that.

Well, it's time for bed.

It's only six o 'clock.

Yes, but that's three o 'clock our time.

Good night, everyone. Richard and I like to sleep in, so we'll see you at seven

for dinner.

Oh, no.

The two of you are not sleeping in the same bedroom.

There has been no sex in this house for 20 years. There will be none tonight.

Right, Roy?

Not in this house.

I will not be treated like a child. I am 43 years old.

Though you'd never know it to look at me.

Oh, don't make such a fuss.

I mean, Richard can bunk with Roy and you can stay with me.

It'll be like old times.

I'll braid your hair, and you can pumice my bunions.

I need to talk to Thibault.

Here comes the groom.

Your mom tells me he had quite the crush on you growing up.

What can I say? I'm a babe.

I used to take care of him after school.

We'd play Wild West together.

I dressed him like a cowboy and tied him to a tree.

You told me I was the first.

Hello, Rachel.

Davey, hi. Oh, look, it's you.

So handsome.

Rachel, please.

You were my babysitter. I mean, we had some laughs.

Let it go.

It seems like only yesterday you were a little four -year -old sitting at my

kitchen table with a milk mustache.

And now here you are, getting married for the first time.

I mean, only time.

I hope.

I'd expect.

Did I see Punch?

Oh, there's my baby boy.

Ira, I'm not talking to you.

Gretchen, you just did.

My friend Penny really likes...

and you never called her back.

Now, how does that make me look?

You're right, Gretchen.

David, when do I get to kiss a bride?

So you're here with Ira.

Don't go there, Gretchen. Oh, but I must.

Listen, the marriage is over. Ira and I are just friends.

Is that so?

Oh, Gretchen, please don't. Glenn. You do.

This is civil.

You know what?

You two are both in show business.

Uh -huh.

Action.

Well, Glenn, what exactly do you do?

Well, excuse me.

Actually, I... What is going on here?

Must have been a mix -up of the cleaners.

And you're still single.

I don't get it.

Two clubs?

No.

Two of spades?

Nope. You got a two?

Nope. Want to dance?

Yep.

I want to dance.

I don't feel like it.

I want to dance.

Justin, I'm a lousy dancer.

draw attention with them, okay?

The best man just cut me off at the buffet table.

Let's go dance some more. I'm ready to rumble.

Great. That was probably for legal purposes.

I'll get you some milk.

Milk? You're in training.

Hey, Vista Fury here?

She's with me.

Get it out. Get the quarter out of my ear now.

on Friday night?

Nothing. Good.

For the sake of all women everywhere, keep it that way.

You know, so far this wedding isn't so bad.

The food's good. Gretchen hasn't tried to set me up and Zoe's want to know.

Well, I'm having a rotten time.

Everyone's asking about my movie and Gretchen set me up with some weird

freak who pulled a bunny out of his pants.

I think it was a bunny.

awful. You want me to take you home right now because I'm ready to go.

No, no. I was a little embarrassed at first, but now everyone's acting really

scared of me.

I don't ever want this night to end.

How'd it go with Glenn?

Any of the, all the gals are asking about him.

That's because I warned them in the bathroom.

Same old civil.

Picky, picky, picky.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, never mind.

You know I only want you to be happy.

Here it comes.

I just don't get it. And you had the sweetest man in the world. And a

family. And you had to go and break up the marriage.

Oh, I'll never understand you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Why?

Ira, I can't believe you just sat there and let her blame me for our divorce.

Oh, come on. It was just Gretchen. I don't care who it is. I didn't get a

divorce by myself, you know. Come on, Mom. You're overreacting.

I mean, everyone knows Dad didn't ask for the divorce.

You're right.

It's all my fault.

Sybil. Forget it!

I want to get out of here before this day gets any worse!

Dammit, Marianne, get off the phone!

Mother, I'm expecting a very important phone call from Sybil.

Listen, Trudy, what are you bringing to St.

Dominic's pancake breakfast?

Pancakes, me too.

Gin!

We're playing canasta.

No, I want some gin.

Listen, Trudy, I'll talk to you next week.

Finally.

Put your cousin Lucille on.

Oh, she's not there?

Well, who is?

Oh, well, she'll do.

God, I really need to speak to Sybil.

What?

Marianne, Teresa, whoever you are, I love

you.

Mother, give me that phone!

whatever you're doing and call me.

Unless you're watering my plants, in which case remember that the one on the

table is fake.

untraceable balletic.

Oh, Marianne.

Marianne, nobody loves me. Everybody hates me.

I'm going to go eat worms.

Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.

But they are wrong, wrong, wrong.

And you are right, right, right.

Except for that suit.

the drapes of the beef and reef.

Oh, it does not.

Who is it?

It's Ira.

I'll get it.

He was rotten to me at that wedding. I am really mad at him.

Hi. You weren't home. I figured you'd be here.

Who were you talking to?

None of your beeswax.

apologize, but I wouldn't want to be rude to your imaginary friend.

That's it, Ira.

Poke the bear.

Okay. Now, I know I asked for this divorce, but you sure as hell acted as

wanted one.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry that it looked like it was all your fault that we split up. It was my

responsibility too, and for the record, I told that to Gretchen.

In front of Zoe?

Yes.

And of course, Zoe said, I am so wrong.

My mother does not deserve my resentment.

I am going to go home this minute and write her a poem.

I think you should go with that.

I don't know why I keep waiting for her to stop blaming me. It may never happen.

I mean, I never forgave my mother for bringing my sanitary belt to school in

seventh grade.

And our divorce was much worse.

Although it wasn't announced over the PA system.

Are we okay?

Yeah.

You coming?

Yes.

By the way, I want to thank you for hanging through that sanitary belt

I could see you were getting a little woozy towards the end.

It was okay. I saw it coming, so I zoned out and thought about golf.

That's funny.

When you talk about golf, I think about...

Thanks.

Richard said the L word?

He said it first?

All right. I owe you 50 bucks.