Original subtitles

You can count on...

Take it easy. Don't put too much weight on it. I'll be okay.

What happened?

We were looking at this stupid house for sale, and I was leading up against this

stupid railing, and I fell and broke my stupid foot.

Oh, gosh.

You must have been pushing on it pretty hard.

Well, Zoe, when you're looking at a house, the first thing a responsible

checks is the sturdiness of the railing, okay?

Really? Wow, that's funny.

Because you're a realtor, Cole?

And she said the reason the railing broke was that you were having sex on

Kevin, I've had it with that woman. Can you believe she told Zoe something like

that? It was bad enough that she was watching us.

Or she never called.

You were guessing?

Well, not really. I was just remembering what happened when you went car

shopping.

The Toyota dealer sent your bra back in the mail.

Oh, wonderful.

Now, I suppose our little escapade will appear on the Internet.

www .humiliation .com I'm not going to say a word.

Oh, well, maybe just this one.

song embarrasses you, and I went right ahead and played it anyway.

It was mean and selfish.

I'm going to go right upstairs and think about what I've done.

She should be proud. I'm breaking down prejudice.

Up until me, all the talking toilets were men.

Sybil, you're my best friend, so despite everything I could say...

I will smile and nod.

I'm Polly the Potty.

What's happened to me?

Even Carl the Cavity and Mr. Blow Your Nose look down on me.

You met Mr.

Blow Your Nose?

I love him.

Rachel, what happened?

Mom, stop it, please.

I know Zoe just told you that Kevin and I have been having sex in every house

we've seen this month.

Yeah, so just forgive us for trying to combine a healthy sex life with some

effective time management.

Or Zoe didn't tell you.

Kevin, think.

When has Zoe ever told me anything?

You broke a bone having sex?

Fabulous.

Any chance we could forget about this and never bring it up again?

Oh, no, Rachel. If we did it for you, we'd have to do it for everybody.

Mom. It's okay, honey.

I dislocated a shoulder once during sex.

Of course, it wasn't my shoulder.

This isn't fair. I have a broken foot. I can't run away.

Thanks.

Come on, honey.

We don't have to stay where we're not understood.

That is so rude. They left before I could insult them.

Well, I'll just call them later.

What?

You know?

I don't think I've ever seen you without earrings on.

I have to go home immediately.

I'll need a scarf, some sunglasses, and bring the car around back.

Stop staring.

I can't.

It's like that time I accidentally saw my grandpa in the shower.

I didn't want to look, but I had to.

Come in.

Hey, Sid. Hey, Marianne. Hi.

hat and you'll be Ira the Marlboro.

Ira. I'm writing this article for L .A. Magazine about stand -up comics.

So, this club's got an open mic night tonight. I thought I'd give it a try.

know, see what it's like from the inside.

Ira, you can't suddenly become a stand -up. It takes years of practice.

I know.

I know. You gotta have a hook.

Some kind of dysfunction or tormented past to draw from.

Like our marriage.

See, that was a joke.

Maybe to you, I still wake up screaming.

Thank you very much.

All right, I give up. How come you have your hands over your ears?

Oh, ha -ha.

Is that what you're going to be doing on stage tonight, Iroh?

Poking fun at other people's deformities?

Well, the vest makes you look ridiculous.

There. How does that feel, Mr. Funny Man?

Boy. Vase mirror.

I'm going to go get Zoe. She's coming with me to the club tonight.

Hey, listen, Sid.

I could use a support.

Why don't you come, too?

I don't know, Ira.

I was going to stay home tonight and do... anything but that.

I know you hate these places, but it's open mic night for singers, too. You

could sing.

Hmm.

It would be fun to sing for something that doesn't flush.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Listen, I got this whole routine.

Nobody knows what Abraham Lincoln sounded like, right? So, how about if he

sounded like Elvis?

Four score and seven years ago.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

I am so in the front row.

The MC calls my name.

Suddenly, everything slows down.

My senses are heightened.

An energy I've never experienced surges through my body as I approach the stage.

Taking a microphone, I feel so alive, so in the moment.

As I turn to the audience, I know it's magic time.

Uh -oh.

Please let them think this is part of the act.

about my experiences, remember?

Well, now I know what it's like to experience the anxiety, the stage

Paramedics.

I didn't miss you, did I?

Totally. And you should have been here.

I was really good and Ira fell down.

Oh, I'm sorry. I took a wrong turn and wound up at another club.

Here, I brought you a Coolio t -shirt.

What is it with you lately?

Excuse me.

My name's Kyle Bellamy. I believe I know you.

Well, I'm an actress. Maybe you've seen me in something.

No, it's your voice. I've heard... You're the singing toilet.

Look, I'm producing a new version of the game show named That Tune. We tape

tomorrow night, and I just lost my female vocalist. Now, I know this is

last minute, and I can only... I'll take it. I'll take you.

Well, no, thank you.

After all, you taught my son to go poo -poo on the potty.

Well, I always say, if I can make one little kid hold it till morning, then

all worthwhile.

that tone with me. Look, if anybody should be suing anybody, it's us.

You tell him, honey.

And besides, all we were doing was... So, exactly how much do I owe you?

You're being sued?

How come?

Oh, it's nothing.

No, really, I can help. I was a lawyer. Between legal fees and court costs.

Well, I still have my license. I'll handle the case for free. You don't want

impose, damn it. Yeah, for God's sake, leave it alone.

Dad, that was uncharacteristically evil.

Hey, I took him car shopping.

It's payback time.

We'd better go. We'll grab some dinner before we hit the comedy club. Okay.

maybe we should take my car. It's bigger. That way it'll be easier to load

into the back seat for the ride home.

Knock, knock.

Zoe, is your mother ready?

I'm here to take her to the studio.

I'm wearing earrings.

Oh, sorry. It's just... I've never seen you wear the same dress twice, let alone

two days in a row.

Yeah, it is.

Oh, really?

And where did you get your newfound fashion acumen?

At your debut last night, Slappy?

Perhaps your head bounced off of Versace's table?

Oh, I didn't know that was Versace.

Let's go.

had the most terrible dream.

It's true.

Okay, that's it.

You're obviously preoccupied with something. No, it's nothing.

Marianne, we can do this easy or we can do this hard.

You're my best friend. If there was something going on, you would know about

Okay.

We do it hard.

All right, all right.

Go look in my purse. Look in your purse?

Why can't you just tell me?

This must be something major.

Okay, here we go.

Compact lipstick.

Keys. Travel Yahtzee.

Pen. Pregnancy test.

I don't believe you.

This is my pen!

to pee on dollar beer night.

Well, this is why you've been so weird lately. I mean, wow, a baby.

But wow, a baby.

Hey, can we name her Clementine?

Sure do like that name, ma 'am.

I'm not up to names yet.

I'm somewhere between wow, a baby and ow, an episiotomy.

Forget it. I'm dry.

Come on. I have to sing tonight. I don't want this hanging over my head. I want

to know if we're having a baby.

I don't know how to tell you this, Sybil, but you're not the father.

Speaking of which... Richard? He's fine with it. You haven't told him yet? No,

and he's handling it beautifully.

Besides, we took precautions. I'm sure this is just a false alarm.

Marianne, I have to leave for the studio now or I'll be late. Come with me.

Sybil, do you really want to be alone now?

Okay, but we have... to stop at my house. This outfit is dead to me.

Okay, on the way, I want you to think of flowing rivers, cascading waterfalls,

babbling brooks, and streams of crystal clear water.

Stop the car!

And now, back to Mr.

Name -That -Tune -Himself, Tom Kennedy.

Well, thank you.

And welcome back to the new Name That Tune. Now let's bring back our

Sybil and Marty, once again.

Time now to play our cabaret round, where our contestants hit their buzzers

they can.

Name That Tune!

All right, Pete, you're trailing at this point, so that means you are up first.

Marty, if you please.

coast girls are here. I really dig those styles they wear.

And the northern girls with the way they kiss.

I feel pretty.

Sorry, Pete.

Jane, you want to take a crack at that? California girls? Yes. And now, Jane,

you can continue.

Maestro, if you please.

Mindy! Yes!

Good job, Jane.

All right, Pete, you're up again.

Because you've got walk, la -la -la -la -la. Talk, la -la -la -la -la.

Smile, la -la -la -la -la.

Charm, la -la -la -la -la.

La -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

Check the halls.

But that's an interesting, interesting guest.

Jane?

Personality? Yes.

And now Jane.

Listen to this lovely ballad, Sybil.

Oh, the... My old Kentucky home.

Yes!

You are hot tonight, Jane.

A little too hot.

How am I ever going to get discovered? She won't let me sing a line.

Well, she is very good.

She's a freak. I hate her.

Oh, Christmas tree.

Yes.

Did you do it? Well, no, in two minutes.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Which way are we rooting again?

I'm not sure.

I'm 43 years old.

I already raised a child.

I'm not sure I can start again.

I mean, this could be a whole new life with my new Richard.

Sybil, it's just two minutes. I don't want to talk about it until we know.

Okay, pros and cons. Go.

Pros. Babies are amazing creatures who fill our lives with love beyond our

wildest dreams.

Con. They leak from everywhere and I just redecorate them.

Pro.

I will be shaping the mind and character of a human being.

I know how strongly I feel that every woman should have the right to choose. I

know, I know. I also know this could be my last chance.

I think it's time.

I can't. You get it.

You peed on it.

Just go!

so happy for you, aren't I?

Are we happy?

Are we scared? A little of both.

You choose. I'll go wherever you go.

Hey, you two. This is kind of embarrassing, but have you seen a little

thingy? It's about... There it is. That's the... No, that's Mary Ann's.

Where'd you get it?

In the downstairs bathroom.

I used the upstairs bathroom.

Well, then this is Rachel's.

Rachel's? Hey, hey, hey, it's Pink.

Rachel, we're having a baby.

Rachel? When did Rachel get pregnant?

Well, I think it was the two -story Tudor in Tarzana.

a grilled cheese sandwich, I'll make you one.

Why would I want a grilled cheese sandwich?

Well, I don't know what I'll say right now.

I'm fine.

Go.

You with Rachel.

Hey, you want to split a tub of Cool Whip?

Okay.