Original subtitles

You see, Sybil, the problem is, since the show's on opposite 60 Minutes, fewer

adults are watching, so we gotta go after the kids.

I know, and I'm a team player.

Last week, when we fought the intergalactic battle with Silly String,

nothing but this.

This just may be a call to my agent.

You're a freak. Kids love freaks.

But I started out an empowered woman who hunts down brain -sucking space aliens.

Now, where's the reality?

I'm just a director, but you and I go way back.

And if there's one thing you've always been, it's the kind of actor that can

find the truth in any role.

Okay, Andy.

Get your nose out of my butt and tell me what else they want me to wear.

Antlers.

Jesus Christ.

Tell me I die in this episode.

Your horns, Miss Sheridan.

Thank you, young lady.

What's with the young lady stuff?

She doesn't want anyone to know I'm her mother.

Oh, I get it. You're the star, so she's self -conscious.

No, it's been going on for years.

I've learned to make it work for me.

Excuse me, Chloe?

That's Zoe with a Z. Not anymore.

I've got a little knot right here. Could you rub it for me?

It will be my pleasure to wrap my hands around your neck, Miss Sheridan.

Pick a thought. Just give me some coffee in my favorite mug.

Which one is that?

I'll know it when I see it, Zippy.

That was fun.

Although I won't be drinking what she brings back.

Listen, I'm having lunch with Ira.

Now, is this bachelor party you're throwing a surprise or can I mention it?

Total surprise. And your job is to kidnap him and get him down there.

house. Your house? Mm -hmm. Oh, boy. Will there be cake?

Yes, there will. With a woman jumping out of it who will gyrate provocatively

for the men.

And she secretly pities them.

See? I know what I'm doing.

Loving one who loves you.

And them taking bye -bye.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it.

a little comedy improv.

In between huge guffaws, I think I'll go up and get some winter clothes out of

my old room.

I don't think you really want to go up there right now. Why not?

Kevin and Rachel are using your room.

And seeing how tense their relationship has been lately, I think we should let

them use it as much as they need to.

Ew, my room?

William's asleep in their room.

Well, why not your room?

That would have been a good idea.

With all the racket they make, the neighbors would think I'm finally

some.

I'm sorry, Kevin.

Well, maybe we should try the milkmaid and the traveling puppeteer.

I could get the wheelbarrow and the squeezing apparatus.

That's sweet, but it's not going to help.

Well, I suppose we don't always have to be in the mood.

Kevin, listen, I know you're depressed about losing your job, and I've been

trying really hard not to push you, but we need to talk about what's wrong with

us. Nothing is wrong. Trust me, I'm a trained psychologist. Everything is

perfectly normal.

He still won't open up to me.

I really wanted William to grow up with...

Two parents.

You know, Mommy and Daddy loved each other and would be together forever.

Rachel, what are you talking about? Are you and Kevin separating?

I don't know.

I hope not.

Oh, good.

It's Holly.

Watch, she's going to talk to us like we're poodles.

Where are my two favorite rice babes?

There they are. There they are.

I brought treats.

Listen, I want to thank the two of you for helping me.

No, no, no.

These have to be little tiny, tiny things with bows at each end.

This just looks like a big sack of bird seed.

I don't understand why we can't hit you in the face with rice like normal

people.

Oh, silly, silly Rachel.

Nobody throws rice anymore.

The pigeons eat it. It expands in their stomachs and they explode.

I will not have pigeon guts on my wedding gown.

I'm afraid we're just going to have to retie all of these.

Go on.

Oh, come on. You can do it. Yes, you can. You are the best little bridesmaid.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Question, Destiny.

Does it bother you that some people might misinterpret your artistry as the

objectification of your body as opposed to the glorification of womanhood,

which, of course, is what you're trying to communicate here?

I hate when chicks plan these things.

It's belly dancing, a time -honored form of self -expression that's been going

on for thousands of years.

That's good. Keep telling me that.

Okay. Maybe this will help.

You've made me see the error of my ways.

After this job, I will have enough money to go to college, and I will never have

to degrade myself again.

You know, a little tear, my friend.

Listen, here's my card.

When you resolve your inner conflict, call me.

I don't believe you.

the one who ordered the obscene pastries for the party and excuse me but just a

few months ago didn't you talk me into writing a porno movie to provide some

erotica for women remember physician feel thyself

yes but this is for men and they'll just turn it into something

dirty the woman can pit an olive with her navel i want to see that before i

okay

I'll go see if I can catch her right now.

But I'm doing this for you, right?

Absolutely. Just keep telling me that.

Marianne!

Holly!

Listen, I do want to say, I am so glad that you and Sybil are planning Ira's

bachelor party. I mean, that way I know the whole affair will be done without

any questionable elements.

I have a question.

Holly. Destiny.

Destiny. Holly.

Hi. Hi.

Marianne, I think an explanation is in order.

Oh. Forgive me. Of course.

Destiny, Holly is the bride. Good to meet you. And make sure your fiancé

plenty of folding money. I want my g -string to look like I'm wearing a

Marianne, this is completely inappropriate.

Fine. Lose the G -string.

Okay, but that'll be 50 bucks extra.

Marianne, what are you doing?

What do you expect from a bachelor party, a clown?

This is cheap and vulgar, and I cannot believe Sybil would be involved in such

thing.

Marianne, Marianne, the baker just delivered the titty cake.

Babe to Holly, you coward.

Holly's going to be Iris' wife, Zoe's stepmother. I have to keep the peace.

So we will go to the racetrack, drink beer, smoke cigars, but the best part is

the only breath that will be shaking in front of me will be my own.

Man, I can't wait to see this.

Ta -da!

Wow, we're having my bachelor party in an exact replica of Sybil's house.

No, this is...

Time out.

You promised we were going to be pitied by a woman in a cake.

This is not your bachelor party, okay?

Come on, the track will be so much fun.

The roar of the crowd, the smell of the hay, the little men in shiny pants

pouring out of a tiny bus.

That's the circus.

What does it matter? They both reek of manure.

Way to sell it, Marianne.

The track will be fine.

Are you sure? Because I'm your best man.

and you're supposed to have a really good time. It'll be great.

And afterward, we can go for snow cones.

Shut up.

What's this?

Let me be your destiny. Bachelor parties, conventions, courtroom

All right.

I'm sorry, Ira.

I didn't hire destiny.

Oh.

That's okay.

Who needs destiny?

Well, forget about the track and go to one of the strip clubs up by the

Come on.

I don't know if I can support the objectification of women in their blind

I've been to those strip clubs. Do you have any idea what they're like?

Absolutely not. That's why I want to go.

Well, you can't go by yourself.

And I'm Ira's best man, so I should be there.

But I don't want to endorse the blatant exploitation of women. Okay, now listen

to me. Listen to me.

You will go.

Because otherwise, I will be alone.

And Ira will miss you.

But... You will not enjoy yourself, and you will sit self -righteously and judge

everyone who is there.

Okay, just keep telling me that. Hooray!

Okay, y 'all go on ahead. We're going to call the track and tell them the

Woodvine Party has moved to the House of Boobs.

All right. I'll meet you at the first placement naked in the title.

Thanks, Sid. See, this was a problem with my first bachelor party. You were

bride. You should have been the best man.

I'll call the race track.

Wait.

My show is looking to get the children's audience.

The last thing I need is for some tabloid photographer to get a shot of me

some sleazy joint.

Oh, that could be a problem.

Being a star is such a pain.

I've waited my whole life to say that.

You know, this place isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's kind of

Won't see that at Lincoln Center.

Where's Sybil and Mary Ann?

I'm going to go call them.

Bartender, I need change for the phone.

Hey, Mac, wait your turn.

Sorry, buddy.

Did you see the headlights on that one?

Bartender, I said I need change.

Hey, yo, buddy.

Lighten up.

You know what you need?

A good lap dance.

No, thanks. My lap's getting married tomorrow.

Hey, congratulations.

Let me be the first to kiss the group.

Sybil?

Excuse me, aren't you guys at the wrong car?

It's okay. We used to be married.

What are you two doing?

Didn't you know? It's National Cross Dressing Day.

Where's your party from?

Oh, God.

That guy's not Zoe, is he?

We didn't want to miss your party, and I couldn't risk my career coming to a

place like this. I'm really glad you're here.

Even though I find it deeply disturbing, I feel like I'm the X -rated version of

Yentl.

Just don't kiss any of the guys, okay?

Freaking A!

Real.

Not real.

Not real.

So, who does she think she's fooling?

My, my, how very objectifying.

Come on, you can poke an eye out with one of those things.

That's Dr.

Dick's work.

He called it the up, up, and away.

So, uh, Marty, you're dressing to the left or the right tonight?

I thought I'd go to the right.

Then I'll go to the left.

Okay?

Check your package.

med school.

And here's to the little missus who worked the night shift to pay for it.

So I put you through med school, huh? Pretty sweet deal.

I'm not complaining.

I've seen this little movie, pal. Today it's a private dance with a two -bit

stripper. Soon it'll be a three -day pelvic exam with the night nurse.

You got change for 20?

Let's have a big sis -boom -boom -bah for Pom -Pom Peggy.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

There's a woman getting naked on stage, and I'm too depressed to watch. You

figure it out.

Sometimes it helps a guy to get things off his chest.

You want to talk about it?

Who are you?

I'm Ira's agent.

I just met Ira's agent.

His travel agent.

What are you, a cop?

But enough about me. You're the one with the long face.

I know it's hard sometimes to open up to a perfect stranger, but... I lost my

job. I can't find another one, and I'm so broke I had to move my family into my

mother -in -law's place.

Oh, no, not the mother -in -law.

But the worst part is I feel like I've let my wife down.

She must look at me like I'm a broken toy.

Broken toy, huh?

Mm -hmm. You gotta fix that.

You see, that's what we guys do. We fix stuff.

I explained that to my ex -wives, all five of them.

They all said, no, we don't need that.

We need to talk.

We need to share.

We need to be a team.

You don't understand my wife. You know, she married a psychology professor, and

now she's got nothing.

Well, you know that, and I know that, but she doesn't know that.

She thinks who you are right now is enough.

Chicks, huh?

You know, she probably does think that, which is one reason I love her.

Maybe I ought to let her know that right now.

Besides, our little problem will seem insignificant once she finds out her

mother hangs out in strip clubs dressed like a man.

Thanks, Mother Sheridan.

Hey, pal, watch who you're calling mother.

Hey, Zach, you want to go on stage and dance with the strippers?

No, Marty, they throw you out for doing that.

Then I think we should tell Bachelor Number One.

Whoa! Look at Ira go.

He gyrates quite nicely.

This man has the pelvis of a pro.

Why do you think I stayed with him for 17 years?

Hey!

Hey, it's not my fault.

My buddy dared me. I was pushed on stage by a big trucker type.

That would be me.

Hey, McGill, you want a piece of me?

Ira, I've never seen you like that before. You were incredible.

silly racetrack.

You mean we really were going to go to a track?

It was Holly's idea?

Real sensitive, Marianne. You're such a guy.

I'm sorry. The aqua velvet is making me woozy.

Oh, man.

What's the big deal?

So your future wife didn't want you to dance with naked women?

Dames. What is it with them?

This was my bachelor party. How come you're letting her make the decisions?

We're not at the track, are we? Well, how could you even listen to her?

She had nothing to say about this. Nothing.

Just like I had nothing to say about the stupid clown suit she's making me wear

for the wedding.

Ira. Or we're going on our honeymoon or how we're going to redo my house.

Calm down.

You didn't need to listen to her.

I was doing it for you. I was trying to get along with her for your sake. You're

my friend. You should be getting along with me, not her.

And you should be having this fight with her, not me.

Unless you want me to...

I can't.

I can't fight with her.

Because Holly says happy couples don't fight.

Well, we don't fight.

I'm not happy.

Everything's got to be perfect all the time, Sib.

You know how much energy that takes?

You don't have anything left over to have a real relationship.

I thought that would change.

Then I thought I'd get used to it.

Oh, God.

How did I let it go this far?

Ira, you've just got a case of the pre -wedding jitters.

Liar.

Sorry.

This male bonding thing is new to me.

Come on.

I'll shut up and listen till it's my turn.

Then I'll punch you on the arm.

Here I am in a strip club, which Holly wouldn't be caught dead in.

But here you are.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, and I didn't want to come down here either. I

know, but here you are.

I have a better relationship with my ex -wife than I have with my future wife.

Or ever will.

I just can't do this to her.

Ira, don't tell me you're calling off your wedding because of me.

Whoops.

Hey, whatever floats your boat.

No, it isn't because of you. It's because of me.

Now all I have to do is tell her.

At least I know we won't fight about it.

Well, whatever happens, I'll always be your best man.

You know, there's something I've just got to do.

Ow! See?

Beard burn!

Now you know how to feel!

Whoa, am I glad we're home.

I gotta drain the snake, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I gotta pee like a race car.

That's race horse.

Well, that clears up a lot.

My situation at work just got a whole lot better.