Original subtitles

I am thrilled to be in a hit show like Lifeform.

This time last year, America knew me as Muriel, the overnight panty liner lady.

This is way better.

How does it feel to be TV's latest sex goddess?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Could you say it again?

And again.

And again.

And again.

Of course, it's about a lot more than just that to me.

As an actor, playing a character like Dr. Sarah McCullen, Alien Hunter, is so

rewarding.

She's strong, she's complex, she's intelligent.

She's a bitch!

Well, what's your response to this morning's announcement that the network

moving your show to a new time slot opposite 60 Minutes?

I have complete confidence in the network's decision.

I mean, after all, who would you rather see in a tube top?

Me or Morley's safer?

Well, thank you, Sybil Sheridan. No, thank you.

Could someone give me the network on the phone, please?

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

John, it's the mothership.

And look, the keys are still in the ignition.

Let's take it for a spin.

John?

death laser that destroys all life.

I defeat it with my titanium bra.

Boy, that's just not a fresh idea in Hollywood.

Marianne, I need to learn these lines.

Okay, okay. Then an alien approaches and says, Prepare to die, Dr. Sarah

McCullen.

And I say, don't waste your bio -ray, squid boy.

We're on opposite 16 minutes. We're already dead.

Okay, you're changing your lines. I can't work this way.

Oh, Marianne, I watch 60 Minutes.

I'll have to tape my own show.

I'm so depressed.

Oh, darling, do what I do.

Confront the problem head -on, years later.

And I can't even enjoy the holidays. They have me working right up to

Eve. How am I going to finish my shopping?

This is the most suckiest time of the year.

Hey, you know, what you need is a personal shopper.

Someone who has impeccable taste, lots of free time, and it's me.

I appreciate the offer, but I can't afford your taste.

That belt buckle you're wearing is my house payment.

Sybil, don't worry. I can shop on a budget.

Whose? Sweden's.

Hey, I didn't always have unlimited fun.

I put Dr.

Dick through med school, remember?

Working two jobs, living off of macaroni and cheese, just so he and the medical

librarian could make the beast with two backs. Damn you to hell, Richard Thorpe!

May you be trampled to death by crazed soccer fans and some sweltering South

American dictatorship!

Or Germany!

Well, I'm convinced.

And may I ask...

Okay.

You can be my personal shopper, but do me a favor. Have no fear. I'll sneak the

presents into the house. No one will ever know that I'm your Christmas elf.

Thanks, but I was going to say, get therapy.

I'm incredibly late. I was supposed to be there at 5 o 'clock, and I still

haven't learned my lines.

And the phone rings.

I'll let the machine get that.

She hasn't moved since the last time she called me.

Mama, hi.

It's Sybil.

I'm in Los Angeles, on my way to work.

Yes, I did try your ambrosia recipe, but with fresh fruit instead of canned, and

you were right.

I did miss that little taste of tin.

Mama, I'm late for work. I'll see you tomorrow at the airport. I can't wait.

I love you, too.

My parents never come in for the holidays.

which just goes to prove there is a Santa Claus.

Well, I love spending time with my mother. Our time together is precious.

Well, darling, maybe she should move in here so she could be closer to you

always.

Well, then, it would lose that whole precious thing, wouldn't it?

Mother, I bet you never had a limo pick you up from the airport before.

Pretty cool, huh?

Well, simple frankly, I don't think that one should flaunt one's wealth in a

crime -ridden city.

That's why I mailed my jewelry to your house.

Oh! What was that? Was that an earthquake?

It was a pothole, Mama.

Honestly, I don't know how you raise your daughters in a place like this.

Earthquakes, fires, the air isn't fit to breathe.

Meemaw, I learned a new word today.

Emphysema. John, I just spent the last four hours on an airplane.

I need my luckies.

Can we at least roll the window down?

No, dear.

It'll mess up my hair.

Mother, your hair hadn't moved since I was 12.

So civil.

How's my little Rachel?

Oh, she's doing okay. I mean, she's at home waiting for you to fuss all over

her. Oh, and I will.

And Zoe, how are you doing?

Oh, well, I'm looking for a new job, but so far I haven't found one. Have you

caught yourself a man yet?

Yes, I have a big pit in the backyard.

I threw some beer in the TV and it must have half a dozen of them by now.

Well, you have your little joke, child, but you better not wait too long. You'll

end up a spinster like your late Aunt Euphemia.

Her epitaph reads, returned unopened.

For your information, Nemo, When I went to Italy this summer, I got opened.

Well, that's wrong.

I guess I've heard everything now.

Not quite. While we're confessing, remember those mints you found in my

when I was 16?

They were actually birth control pills.

There. I feel so much better. Thanks, Zoe.

Birth control pills?

Well, no wonder everybody looked at me funny when I passed them around at

Reverend Holt's retirement party.

Oh, your William is just

beautiful. And you can tell he's a Sheridan. He has your granddaddy's

distinctively enormous head.

His doctor says he has the head of a six -year -old.

Here's your iced tea, Meemaw.

Oh, could I get a slice of lemon with that, dear?

Okay.

Now, sweetheart, you're looking a little run down.

I know.

William's got this ear infection, and Kevin's not here to help, so I'm up with

him every five minutes, and I give him his medicine, and I rock him back to

sleep, and today he said his first word.

And it was Dada.

Oh.

There, now, let it all out, Dumplin'. Things just aren't getting better with

Kevin, Meemaw.

Well, did you talk to your mom about this? No.

She's just been so busy, I don't want to bother her.

Oh.

No wonder this key didn't work on my house.

This is the key to your house.

Now it all makes sense.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh, sugar, while you're up, could I have a little more ice?

Oh, you know, your William is really a beautiful baby, but you...

We're the most beautiful baby ever born into this family.

That's it. You're off my kidney. Don't her lift, old woman.

Virginia, so nice to see you. How was your flight? Oh, just delightful. Thank

you, Isaac.

Christmas Eve, there was nobody on the plane except me, the crew, and...

Several of your people.

Okay, honey, I know it hurts. You want your mommy, don't you?

Thank you.

Zoe, dear.

Offer your daddy some iced tea, dear.

No, no.

I'll get it myself. I like it a special way.

Meemaw. I know you don't care about your health or my health, so let me put this

to you in terms you can understand.

I'll never catch a man if my hair smells like a chimney.

As your great Yankee Abraham Lincoln once said, a man with no

vices is a man with no virtues.

Tobacco is my vice.

Yours is casting your virginity into the Mediterranean Sea.

Oh, my God.

I reckon this is news to your daddy.

Hey, everybody, I'm ho -ho -home.

Let the holiday cheer begin.

I'll kill him. I'll hop on a plane and I'll kill him.

Can you find out about Italy?

Yep.

Zoe, I asked on the set today, and they need an assistant.

You want the job?

I don't know.

Nobody has to find out we know each other.

Okay.

Hey, Mama.

You know, that's a wonderful idea.

That one day maybe Zoe can be flashing her legs in other particulars on

TV. Just like her mother.

Oh, Mama, you watch the show.

Too dear, my church organized a boycott.

I had to find out what I was writing all those letters about.

Oh, darling.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I just stubbed this thing out. I'll get rid of these ashes.

Did you see that? Her darling Rachel coughs and she

can't put her cigarette out fast enough. I could be sitting here in an iron lung

and she'd use it as an ashtray.

I'll talk to you.

Mother?

Listen, I love having you here, but do you have to be so obvious with Rachel?

I mean, I know she's your favorite, but Zoe's your granddaughter, too.

Couldn't you try and even it out a little?

Me with Rachel?

What about you with Zoe?

The way I look at it, Sybil, I am evening things out.

I can't believe you think I favor Zoe over Rachel.

Well, it's just that you just seem to take a little better care of Zoe's needs

than you do of Rachel.

Rachel lives at my house, Mother. Well, that's not what I mean. I mean... Well,

for instance, when Zoe needs... the job you're right there for. If Rachel's

having trouble with her husband, you just don't have any time.

I always have time for Rachel. And she'll come to me to talk about it when

ready.

If she weren't ready, why would she be talking to me?

Probably because you dragged it out of her.

I don't do that.

Simple.

A lady does not raise her voice.

Mother, this lady does.

And this lady's going to deal with her children her way.

Well, you can say what you want.

I know what I know.

Oh, yeah?

Take a lucky hand, Mother.

What a pleasant dinner.

I've never seen you serve mashed potatoes with your hands before.

Well, my mother really upset me. She completely ruined my appetite.

Was this before or after you sucked the marrow out of that drumstick?

You'll notice I didn't have any dessert.

Hey, personal shopper, am I giving you any of those Belgian chocolates you love

so much?

Yes, but this was the last box and you had to wrestle them away from a child.

Merry Christmas!

So what am I giving everybody else?

Well, a new Gucci briefcase for Ira.

Gucci? That's Italian.

That's not good.

He found out about Zoe?

Yep. Oh, that's why he broke down when I brought out the extra virgin olive oil.

Mmm. Mmm, this is so good. Try one.

Not that one. The one with the coconut. I don't like coconut.

Then pick it off. This was supposed to be for me.

Whoa. What?

Major chocolate rush.

You know what would be great?

Watching Fantasia right now.

Sybil, this is Christmas, not Woodstock.

Let's get these... Let's get these presents downstairs before you run naked

a lake.

Rachel, Zoe, but I already got something for them. Didn't I tell you? Yes, but

you know how you are.

You're right. I love both my daughters exactly the same. Of course you do. And

I'm a great mother. Absolutely. And grandmother.

Hear, hear.

And my show is gonna vary 60 minutes!

That's it. No more chocolate for you.

Hey. Hey.

Merry Christmas.

The Giving Tree?

Oh, signed by Phil Silverstein. I love it.

Remember I used to read it to you when you were just a little virgin?

in person, Dad.

Why didn't you tell me? I'm gonna have to find out the way I did.

Did you tell your mother after your first time?

I'm gonna.

Okay, then how about if I tell you in about 30 years?

You promise?

It's not good to keep these things in.

Come here.

Oh, what were y 'all doing in there?

Just talking about Italy and how Zoe's never going back.

Symphony tickets.

Guest performer Yo -Yo Ma!

From Yo -Ma -Ma!

Why did you get these? They were sold out.

Hey, I'm a big star now. I got connections.

Plus, I got to take a pie in the face at a telephone.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hey, Ma.

Thanks for the box.

It was hand -carved by Maori tribesmen. I thought you could keep your jewelry

and Maori tribe stuff in it.

It's beautiful.

Really.

Oh, look, Rachel. Here's another one from your mother.

Sibyl, all of these presents.

You must really love your girls very much.

And in equal proportions.

Mom, it's beautiful. It's that robe we saw with Marianne at the Asia Pacific

Museum. You must have gone right back to get it, didn't you? That's exactly what

she did.

I can't believe you remembered.

I love it. Thank you. You're welcome, honey.

That was a very thoughtful gift, Sybil.

Makes me feel sorry for what I said before.

Rachel, it's 2 o 'clock in the morning.

I know.

I finally got William down, and now I can't sleep.

Meemaw said exercise will cure insomnia.

That's funny.

Exercise just makes me want to have sex, which Meemaw also has a cure for.

Honey, come over here and sit next to me.

I think it's great that you feel close enough to Meemaw to talk to her about

your problems with Kevin.

I don't feel the least bit left out.

And as I say that, I want to remind you I'm an actress.

Mom, I can tell you're upset that I didn't come to you.

So you're saying I'm a bad actress?

It's just that I already knew what you were going to say.

You were going to tell me to leave my husband.

Why would I tell you to do that?

Oh, because that's what I keep doing.

Go on.

Okay, I know you tried to make things work, but I don't want to give up.

Because I don't want William to go through what I would... You know, what

would go through.

Well, it's about time you said something.

Whenever I used to ask you, you'd always say, Oh, it's okay, Mama, everything's

fine.

Unlike your sister.

You declared her resentment some time ago.

In a letter to the L .A. Times.

But at least you said something.

Well, I gave her the stamp.

Hey, why don't you put your head in my lap like you used to when you were a

little girl and couldn't go to sleep?

You know, I hated it that my job took me away from you so much when you were

little.

Boy, did I miss you.

I felt so bad when I couldn't be there for you.

And when I called you every day, I guess all I really wanted to hear was that

everything was okay with you.

So that's all you ever told me.

So I guess we just got in the habit of doing that.

But honey, we're going to change that right now.

You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything anymore.

I'm here for you and I'm listening.

Hello?

We'll talk about this some more in the morning.

Last call for fried

quail and biscuits.

I forgot just how heavy Meemaw's cooking was.

I didn't think it was possible to deep -fry cantaloupe.

Now save room for sweet potato pie.

You know, Zoe,

I think maybe you're right. I think maybe I should cut back on these.

It won't be easy at my age.

You can do it, Neymar.

How about whenever I feel the craving, I just pick up the phone and call you?

Before you know it, I'll be down to three packs a day.