Original subtitles

Hello?

The door was left open to the spaceship.

Welcome to the planet.

I brought brownies.

Hope you guys have mouths.

Hey, with some tentacles and a third eye, she'd be a real looker.

Seize this frog face.

Looks like a pump. Kicks alien butt like a sneaker.

Cut. Great, Sybil. Okay, let's set up the next shot.

Well, Sybil, you're finally the star of your own TV show.

After watching you go through 19 painful years of humiliation and rejection, I

must say, I deserve this.

It's funny.

When I was starting out, I only played weak women in cheesy miniskirts.

Now at last, I'm playing a fully realized and empowered woman in a Calvin

miniskirt.

Please tell me you see the difference.

Darling, you bring so much more to the role of Sarah McCullen than just your

legs. Sybil, we need your breasts on the set.

Hey, can I get a moment to rehearse here?

on her dress for Holly and Ira's wedding.

Now, she's feeling a little insecure about the way she looks, so with a

laughter, I think we can put her right over the edge.

Rachel, though he's having a hard enough time being in the wedding, please try

to be nice.

I suggest we react as if we're seeing a new boyfriend naked for the first time.

No matter what it looks like, smile.

And pretend you've never seen one quite like it.

Okay, back to Thanksgiving.

Okay, I'm going to do the turkey. Rachel will do the dressing. How about you,

Marianne? I'll be bringing a lonely mother's pain and heartbreak at her

not coming home for Thanksgiving.

Okay, that just leaves a three -bean salad.

Justin's not coming in again?

Justin's on a mission for Greenpeace. He's protecting our environment,

our beaches, saving our planet.

Really, how long does that take?

Just when I thought I couldn't dislike Ollie anymore.

Ta -da!

Isn't it stunning?

Blinding.

See, the rice! What is that?

That... That ring on the coffee table, Rachel. How many times do I have to tell

you? Use a coaster.

Marianne, could you come to the...

I told Holly how bad you felt because she made me a bridesmaid and not you.

So... Oh, no.

We cannot go back out there until we think of a real good reason to come

back in here.

Thanksgiving will be here in a week. Maybe we should start cooking.

We could defile the turkey.

That's defrost, Marianne.

Don't change your plans for the weekend. I've decided not to go to Buffalo for

my high school reunion after all.

Well, that's your choice, and I respect that.

But I do want to say... I can't do it.

Those people treated me like dirt.

So show up, launch your success, watch them suck up, and come home. You know,

like at Neiman Marcus.

forgotten how exhilarating the cold can be. I wish LA was more like Buffalo.

Oh, no.

The wind has blown in off Lake Erie and frozen your brain until you can only

spot gibberish.

Don't be ridiculous, Baba.

Listen, we don't have to go inside.

Just picture the shapeless blob of a man on a barcalonger and a woman with the

vocal subtlety of a factory lunch whistle yelling, Roy! Roy!

Will you turn the damn TV down?

Well, that untit thousands of dollars worth of therapy.

Let's go before I start chewing my hair.

You're not going anywhere. I want to meet your mom. I want to meet your dad.

I want to see the family tree the acorn ran like hell from.

Besides,

think how excited your mother's going to be.

I don't believe it. The lady from TV.

Do you notice what I'm wearing?

Remember? Christmas last year.

That's not the sweater I sent you.

That sweater was 100 % cashmere.

It was no good.

You wash it once, it shrivels right up.

So I took it back and I got five of these.

You wash it, it doesn't even get wet.

Do you think Madonna is really going to marry that young Spanish boy?

Mother, please. Sybil is my guest. You're embarrassing her.

Oh, be still, Teresa.

Teresa? Who's Teresa?

My daughter.

Your best friend.

What are you, whacked out on those Hollywood drugs?

What do they call it? Smack cocaine?

I hear you can make them pay for it in your contract.

What pass interference?

He was going for the ball.

Roy, the game is on tape.

It was over in 91.

The Bills go for a field goal. It's wide. They lose.

You must really hate me, Marge.

I'm going to put on the 93 Super Bowl. Don't you say a word.

Where is Norman Rockwell when you need him?

You never told me you changed your name.

You didn't tell her?

Oh, it figures that her real name wouldn't be good enough for her big

friends.

Actually, I'm only recently big.

You know, Dibble dear, I bet you'd love to see my old room right now. Of course,

Teresa. I'd love to see Teresa's old room.

Take me there now, won't you, Teresa?

He's open.

He's all gotten!

Oh, this game never gets any better.

Whoa, they've turned my room into a swap meet.

Teresa, Teresa, Bobisa, Banana, Fana, Fofisa, Meemai, Momisa, Teresa.

Do you want to die in Buffalo?

Why didn't you tell me? Fine, marry you. Anne is my middle name.

Teresa was an aunt that I was named after.

She ate wax and had an extra thumb.

What are you reading?

Nothing. That's my yearbook. Give that back.

No, I want to see it. No, I don't want you to look at that. No, I don't.

I bet we would have been friends. Oh, I doubt it.

I was one of those brooding, mysterious girls who walked around the perimeter of

the schoolyard humming Ode to Billy Joe.

Whereas you, no doubt, were blonde, beautiful, confident, and smart.

Get out of my room. I don't like you anymore.

That's exactly how all the girls in high school treated me.

I never even got invited to a slumber party, except for that one where they

rubber cement in my sleeping bag.

For three weeks, I had little dried -up balls of gunk tuck all over me.

They called me Beach Booger Barbie.

That's funny.

The bitches.

Don't tell me a couple of misfits like us wouldn't have been friends.

Well, I wish you had been there.

Would have been bearable if I had somebody to be miserable and bitter

Oh, look.

Peggy Wilson.

She kept breaking open my locker and stuffing funny little things in it, like

me.

I don't think I can face these people, Sybil.

Yes, you can, because you have a new best friend.

A badass best friend who lives on revenge and ain't been fed for a while.

Teresa, come!

Mother, I have a friend over, okay?

Mothers are so weird.

I am, like, never going to be one.

What is the problem, Mother?

Well, I just thought you'd want to be here to surprise him when he came in, is

all. Surprise who?

Mom.

Justin.

But you're in Newfoundland.

In the kitchen?

Maybe some French roast? Let's give them some privacy blend?

Just a decaf for me, honey.

Yeah, I'll have another cold one, legs.

You didn't tell your mother you were staying here.

I'm sorry, Grandma.

Sorry, Grandma?

an apology to skip a generation don't you mean i'm sorry i lied mother i'm not

really in canada i'm hiding from you at my grandparents house and i love what

you've done with your hair do you know this is really uncomfortable and i ought

to know i've been in a shark cage why didn't you tell me you were here theresa

now just calm down how long has he been here one year two years no maybe a month

i spoke to you last week why didn't you say something It was long distance.

Mother, how many times do I have to tell you I can afford it? Oh, quit bragging.

You're embarrassing your father. He has his pride, you know.

Hey, Marge, my sweatpants are caught in the crack of the Parker lounger again.

I can't believe it. I see my son for two minutes and then he just walks out.

Well, there's nothing you can do about it now.

That's Bruce Manning.

Big man on campus.

I asked him out once. He laughed.

He said he needed a permit to transport livestock in his car.

He's a dead man.

And there's Peggy Wilson, the locker stuffer.

Dead and buried.

There's Glenn's turkey. He ditched me at the freshman frolic.

What, is he wearing a hat?

No, that's a toupee.

What is this?

Come as Sam Donaldson night?

Hey, Mom.

Justin.

I think we should talk.

Yes, absolutely.

Fine.

Way to go, Justin.

Meet you later by the water fountain.

Oh, excuse me. Have you forgotten why we're here?

Teresa.

Marianne, this will never work.

Teresa Yukovich?

Holy moly.

Can I get you some punch?

Have a nice chat.

was my math class with the vengeful Sister Francesca.

She had a profound influence on me.

She was the nun beneath my wings.

So, Mom, um, do you want to talk or just kind of talk through the school?

Well, forgive me, Justin, but it's been three years when all I can think of to

say is, who is this man standing in front of me?

The truth is I have been avoiding you.

And I think it's time I told you why.

Fine.

I'll just sit at my old desk here.

All right.

Um, when I left L .A.

Yes. Am I a grandmother?

No.

Thank you.

Go on.

So I said, listen, John John, Miss Carolyn Bessette seems like a nice girl.

Now dry off my back and give her a call.

Teresa, I can't get over how different you look.

You know, you remind me of that TV star.

What's her name?

Sybil Sheridan from Life Forms? No, not her. That other one.

Cheryl Ladd.

Cheryl Ladd, Cheryl Teague, Shelley Hack.

Why can't anybody ever recognize me for who I am? Sybil.

I mean, Marianne.

I mean, Teresa, you got something.

Will the Glee Club report to the stage?

Oh, that's my cue. Well, you'll have to talk about your own lies now.

Okay, you keep talking about me.

So, Father, what are we going to sing tonight?

Our school song, child.

Well, we could sing that, or we could do... Give me some respect

and be flat and keep up with me, boys.

ditch me after the freshman frolic?

Well, all I can say is peek -a -boo!

Hey, aren't you the girl who used to stuff me in my own locker?

It is you, Peggy Wilson.

Congratulations.

When's the baby due?

I'm not pregnant.

go to your grandparent.

Why couldn't you come home?

Because every time I come home, you make way too big a deal out of it.

I mean, you give me money, you give me clothes, real estate.

I do that so that you will come home.

I'm not making myself clear here.

I'm sorry, but the only conversations I've had in the last year have either

with spotted owls or grandma and grandpa.

I'm a little rusty.

Take your time.

I knew how rotten things were between you and Dad.

Yes, I imagine those restraining orders were hard to misinterpret.

But then Dad moved out.

And you were no longer Richard Thorpe's wife.

So you became Justin Thorpe's mother.

I became your entire reason for living.

And, Mom, it scared the hell out of me.

Because I was so afraid I might let you down.

Like Dad did.

I had no idea.

I just wanted you to be happy.

Oh, Justin, you should have said this three years ago.

You're right.

But instead I did exactly what I didn't want to do.

I left you.

Just like that did.

Well then, darling, that means now I'm entitled to 75 % of everything you own.

Come here.

Let's not do this to each other again, okay?

So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Flashed a nun.

Move it!

Teresa Yukovich has left the building.

Okay, I've got everything I need.

Needle, thread, no sense of pride.

Come on, the sooner we get these hems, the sooner we can whip them back into

their cages.

Uh, just a sec. I want to give William some pudding.

Okay, will you?

Throw it on, Mommy.

Come on.

Remember how you ruined that silk blouse of mine?

Let's do that again.

Come on.

Mommy does so much for you. Can't you do this one thing for me?

Ira. I was, um... It's okay.

Just be thankful you don't have to wear this.

I had to get out of my house. I was messing up the reception of my cable.

I guess there's nothing we can do.

We're just going to have to wear these things.

William, what are you doing?

had them Scotchgarded.