Original subtitles

Muldoon, you in here?

Muldoon?

Oh, great acoustics.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lions sleep tonight.

You

loved

doing that, didn't you? Not as much as that.

I saw them. I saw the aliens.

They only have one arm. Took two of them to tie me up.

You saw the aliens? No fair.

How come I never get to see the aliens?

They suck.

Listen to me. We got to get out of here. Now untie me.

Okay. Hold still.

God,

you're beautiful.

John, the aliens are coming. Do you think you could keep it in your pants

five minutes?

I can't help it.

The whole time I was tied up, I was thinking of you.

Maybe we should save the rope.

Yuck! Cut!

What are you doing? The scene wasn't over.

I already have a tongue, thank you.

Sybil, cupcake.

We can't be doing this all day long.

Buddy, butt face.

I am not a cupcake.

Didn't you like the lines that I gave you?

Didn't I write you all that strong, independent chick crap?

Jack, I had to take it when you fired the woman who created this show and

this thing.

And I had to ignore it when you took cheap pot shots at me in front of the

entire crew. But I draw the line at turning a simple romantic kiss into a

culture.

Okay.

I'm an actor.

I'll act the tongue.

Oh!

You are a foul -smelling, disgusting animal.

Great! Let's take it from the kiss.

I'm afraid I need to change our dinner reservations from 8 .30 to 8 .37.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

I'm sorry my husband feels the need to call you every seven minutes, but his

mother was a high priestess in the Church of Anal Retention.

What? Get out of here.

William's finally asleep.

Kevin gave him chocolate, so he was a little wired.

Aw, baby's first cocoa buzz.

Rachel, it is 8 .22.

I'm coming to the farm,

mother.

Aren't they a cute couple?

Don't you just want to go with them?

Marianne, I think you made too much.

Well, you know, Amy's already upset about having her show taken away from

And now that it's becoming popular, she's going to start whining, and we're

going to need enough margarita to hold her head under.

Poor Amy.

I don't know why she insisted on watching this with us.

There she is.

She's going to be all depressed.

So I better get this out of my system now.

I'm on television in my own series.

I got every news.

Hi, Amy.

I can do this.

I don't have to give in to negative emotion.

It's just a television show that I created and sacrificed everything for

then got fired from so that now I have nothing.

Look, Amy Margaritas, dive right in.

That used to be different. It used to be, mm -mm, help me, not mm -mm, nice

rack.

You and Jack were equals. Now he's got all the good stuff to play.

Oh, now they're back on my legs again.

What was wrong with my breath?

They just weren't important to the story.

vine as I live and breathe.

A loom? I met the most adorable salesman today.

Would you like to try?

I would, but I'm a little beat. I spent all day molding beef fat into candles.

Marianne, I need a little advice.

From me?

Oh, good. Come, sit.

Let's chat like girlfriends.

I need to talk to you about my dad's fiancée, Holly.

What do you think of her?

I think Holly is attractive, intelligent, vivacious.

Yeah, I keep trying to like her, but my hatred keeps getting in the way. Me too.

Go on.

I hate what she's doing to my father.

I feel like she's trying to change everything about him. How he looks, what

thinks. I just came from dinner with them and she actually cancelled his

and got him something else. And he just barely picked at it.

Maybe he wasn't hungry.

Maybe, except that after we dropped Holly off, he drove straight to Jack in

Box.

I don't know what to do. It's driving me crazy. I just know if they get married,

she'll make him miserable.

So you wanted to disrupt the wedding.

You know, strategically placed rodents can be highly effective.

I know a man who sells them by the sack.

Well, as much as I'd like to, I really don't think I should sabotage the

wedding. I don't understand, then. Why did you come to me?

Marianne, I'm made of honor.

If I stand up there with them, Dad'll think I'm supporting the marriage.

That's a lie.

What does your mother think?

I can't ask her.

She'll just want to drag everything out in the open and expect everyone to

process their feelings in a healthy, honest way.

Healthy and honest is not going to work here. That's why I came to you.

Why didn't they call Jack in at 5 .30 in the morning?

If he's all tired and puffy, they'll say he looks like Robert Mitchum.

But it's different with women.

If I come in all tired and puffy, they'll say I look like Robert Mitchum.

Come on, girls.

Time's money. Let's get these legs on the road. Two minutes, buddy. I have to

her face and hair.

What for?

Nobody's going to see it. Give me that lipstick.

I'll show you where the close -up's going to be.

We're ready for our close -up, Mr. DeMille.

What's going on here?

Sybil freaked out. We're going to have to hose her off.

Great idea. Make it an episode.

I'm kidnapped by aliens and forced into a wet T -shirt contest.

You're lucky you got a job at all, sugar.

You know something, buddy? I'm sick and tired of you talking to my co -star in

that degrading manner.

Where's all this coming from? I mean, just this morning you were saying...

That's it. You're fired.

What?

What? You can't fire me.

Yeah? One call to the network, pal. Who do you think's more important, you or

me? All right, Jack.

I was hoping that I wasn't going to have to do this.

Please, please don't.

Get off the lot by noon or I call security.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I'm not. It was fun.

Do it yourself now.

Okay, I deserve that.

I fired Amy. I undercut your character. I did everything I could to steal the

show. It's no wonder you don't trust me.

I only hope that in time, Sybil, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yeah, well, it's going to take a little more than giving me everything I want to

get on my good side.

So anyway, this niece of

mine in San Francisco doesn't believe her father should be marrying this new

woman and really doesn't want to be part of the wedding.

You don't have a niece in San Francisco. Okay, fine. It's Zoe.

Will you stop this relentless interrogation?

What's next, thumbscrews?

So, what did you tell her? I told her to talk to you. And, of course, you said,

my mother, that wonderful, compassionate wellspring of wisdom, I must run to her

now.

It's like you were in the room.

Okay, I got your message.

Tell me exactly what Buddy looked like when Jack fired him. Like this.

Oh, wait, that was me.

Amy, I can understand why Jack got you fired. You were a threat, but why would

he fire Buddy?

I mean, those two were thicker than fleas on, well, Buddy.

Something's up, and I'll bet Buddy knows what it is. Think we can get it out of

him? Shouldn't be too hard. There's so little in there.

It's Dom Perignon.

Ooh!

A bottle of the best, because you deserve it. Love, Jack.

And speaking of love, Jack.

I know, you want his autograph.

Autograph, underpants, whatever.

Hey, I've been coming here over six years and not once have you asked for my

underpants.

Why, if it isn't Holly.

And Squiggy.

I told you this makes me look weird.

You don't look weird. You look like Antonio Banderas.

about another thing.

From before.

Ira, I'm glad you're here. I need to talk to you.

All of this doesn't concern me. Anyone else need to use the ladies' room? Amy?

I always do.

Holly?

You want me to go to the ladies' room with you?

I'm in. I'm finally in!

Okay, what's this about?

It's about Zoe.

and I'm not supposed to know about this, so you can't tell her where you heard

it. Oh, don't tell me. I already know.

She's pregnant.

My baby's pregnant?

How could you let this happen? What do you mean, me? Why is Zoe being pregnant

my fault? Oh, Zoe's pregnant.

Oh, my God.

How did you find out?

From you. How did you find out? Oh, for crying out loud. I was always not

pregnant.

Then why did you tell me she is? That's sadistic.

Zoe's having second thoughts about being made of honor.

Really? Why?

You better let her tell you.

And remember, you and I never spoke.

I wonder what the problem is.

I'll talk to her tonight.

What?

I think there's a fly in your hair.

buy you beer?

Why, so you can spit in it?

Come on, Seth, you big wimp.

Let that guy blow right by you.

Buddy, I'm sorry about what happened.

I hope it doesn't let bygones be bygones.

Yeah, it's easy for you to say, girly girl. I got canned and they're treating

you like a queen.

Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?

Any idea why?

Yeah.

Here's what Jack's paying me to keep my mouth shut.

Can you beat that number?

How?

Would it make any difference if I bought you an imported beer?

Oh, let me put this in an imported language.

No way, Jose.

Gee, Jack, 120 million bucks.

What, are we going to have to pass the hat to get you to play a little deed?

Oh, so you're drinking light beer.

Two light beers, please.

Light beer if you want umbrellas in those ladies.

Hey, I don't want to bloat.

He looks kind of rough.

She's a broad.

What are you calling a broad?

Oh, ma 'am, we're not looking for any trouble.

Yeah, what's it to you what I'm drinking anyway?

Touchy.

Yes, he is, but it's because he was fired. Not just because he's an

loser. Yeah.

Hey.

All I'm saying is a real man drinks to avoid his problems.

Lady, he could drink you under the table.

You're on TV, aren't you?

Uh -huh.

Cheryl Ladd, right?

Sure.

I'd be mighty proud to buy you a beer.

Great. Let's just go right over there and light out. I mean...

Shoes

without socks?

when did you start dressing like a Gentile?

Holly likes it, but technically without socks I can't be buried in a Jewish

cemetery.

So, I took apart your hair dryer and found the problem.

It's in pieces all over your coffee table.

It'll never work like this.

Dad,

that's your fifth glass of water.

I'm thirsty.

You're nervous.

You always get dehydrated when you're nervous.

I remember when you told me you and Mom were splitting up, you were drinking

from the sprinkler.

What's wrong?

Okay.

Zoe, I know you're not really into this whole big wedding thing.

I know it makes you uncomfortable.

How did you find out about this?

Never you mind.

The point is, if you don't want to be in the wedding, you don't have to be.

It's not that I don't want to be in your wedding, Dad.

Holly wants everyone in her bridal party to braid their hair or I'll look like

Pippi Longstocking.

No one else is saying anything, so I just felt really awkward complaining

it.

Is that all?

Look, you don't have to be afraid to be honest with Holly.

I'll just tell her straight out.

My mother thinks the braids are great. That'll be the end of it.

Really? Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Come here.

If there's one thing I know, it's men.

I'm sure if you apologize, he'll take you back.

You're right.

I'm going to go call him right now.

Thanks for listening, Cheryl.

The dancing was fun.

about the deal between Jack and Buddy? I know everything.

And as soon as we get home, I'm going to tell you.

And you.

But not you.

My mouth feels like I just swallowed sheep.

I can't believe you put yourself through this much pain for me.

Look at you.

Your eyes are bloodshot.

Your face is puffy.

You look like Robert Mitchum.

So, well, inside my purse is a piece of paper.

Read it to yourself.

They ask people what their favorite things are about your show.

Buddy says the network makes all their decisions based on the answers.

Don't scream.

Listen to this.

What about the show Beth held your interest?

And the answer is, my legs.

Did you hear that, girl?

Why, Jack got Buddy fired and paid him to keep quiet.

He wanted to get on your good side, just in case you found out, because he knew.

There's no show if my legs walk.

Wow.

Is this strange?

I'm finally the star of the show.

But I'm being exploited as a sex object. Of course, at 46 years old, that's

pretty cool.

On the other hand, I'd like to see him make Robert Redford show his cleavage

wear high heels.

Actually, I'd love to see that.

Oh, look!

My breasts ranked first and third with single men under 40.

Don't yell at Marianne.

I'm the one who told your father. Oh, of course. And that is exactly why I

didn't talk to you in the first place. Because I knew you'd tell him, and he'd

come to me, and I'd feel all guilty, and then I'd wind up being in the wedding,

which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.

Temporary blindness.

Zoe, your father made me best man, so I have to be in the wedding, too, and I'm

no fan of Holly. Well, then you're just as big a hypocrite as I am. Now, hold on

one minute, young lady.

Your father's a grown -up and has the right to marry whoever he chooses,

we like her or not.

The taste of burnt penny.

That is such crap. You know as well as I do, Dad always picks women who are

totally wrong for him. And you, you who he listens to more than anyone else in

the world, you're just going to stand back and let him do it. It's not up to

Zoe. And another thing.

If your father had better taste in women, you wouldn't even...

Oh, Jack, I'm so glad you're here.

What's the big emergency?

There's been an accident.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

This can't be happening! How could you do this to me? I can't go back to being

personal trainer.

I've had a taste!

Besides, I dumped all my old friends. Nobody will talk to me.

Oh, my God.

I just bought Madonna's old house!

You know, Sybil, you could have just told me you found out about the audience

research. That would have been so direct and honest, you wouldn't have

understood.

Relax, Jack.

Nobody believes in that research stuff anyway.

Except for everybody.

Okay, okay, Sybil, you got me. So what happens now?

Amy's back on the show.

And my face is back on the screen.

And your tongue is banned from the set.

Anything else?

That's all for me.

Oh,

it's good to be queen.

Well, what do you know? I'm in bed with a couple of movie stars.